Cutting Room Floor: Chapter 6

I thought I'd try somethin a bit different today, instead of the usual "sneak peek".  Word count is a little lower so far as I've been putting effort into the first half of the chapter in preparation for publishing it later this week.  Instead of something in progress in draft form, I thought people might enjoy peeks at some of the stuff that gets cut - material written and then discarded during editing.

(There's a fair bit of this stuff.  I usually keep a "cuts" folder to collate edited material--some of it gets recyled elsewhere in the story, some of it hangs around because I'm weak and can't bring myself to discard it.)

So, here's a short clip from chapter 6:

"The boy grunted, “Yeah, like that,” and his hips twitched, “take it,” he said and grabbed me by the pigtails, “bitch,” and his hands were tight, they hurt, “slut!” and he thrust his hips and forced my open mouth down around his cock.

Too deep; too rough..."

This was part of the second oral scene, where David tells the real story of going down on Jonas.  I wanted to focus on the fact he called it "awful" and make it a horrible experience.  But--it didn't work.  For one, it seemed like too much of a reversal of the boy's character: nice up to that point, it's conceivable that he could suddenly turn nasty, but seems unlikely.  Nevertheless, I was tempted to develop it further.  The fact the bouncer's his roommate could've opened a bit of a side-story with this abusive kid taking advantage of girls like Cindy, where he's got this friend in the club enabling his bad behaviour--and David could've been the guy to set things right--but I didn't want to bring the story in that direction. 

For one, it's not a story needing more subplots!  It's already long as it is.

The other problem is that this night out is presented as transformative: after drugs and drink and hormones tear down his defences, David actually -enjoys- himself -as- Cindy for the first time.  He needs to come out of the night contemplating that actually, being a twenty-year old girl doesn't have to be that bad.  If, on the other hand, he'd been physically abused at the end of the night, it'd be impossible to plausibly present that.

So, ultimately, I cut that thread and rewrote it so that it was just a shitty blowjob.  There's an aftermath to all this - we're going to see a bit more of Jonas before the end of the chapter - and that just wouldn't work if he'd been physically abusive.