Ramblings: On Keeping Motivated

I've been meaning to write about this for a while but held off because I'm worried it'll come off as a little whingey, like I’m having a moan. And I’m not, or at least I don’t think I am, though it’ll probably come off that way at times. But today feels like a good day to write about keeping motivated, because it’s been a great day for writing, a full 2000 words, and it really feels like the current chapter of Constant is humming along nicely. So I hope you’ll indulge me in a little bit of a ramble as I try and work through my thoughts on keeping motivated.

(It turned out longer than expected, but maybe you’ll still enjoy the read.)

So, writing’s a fairly lonely experience. What I’ve read on the craft of writing tends to emphasise this. After all, to produce anything of length, the writer’s got to lock themselves away and, well… write. Stephen King recommends not showing anyone what you’ve written until you’ve completed the first draft; I suspect other writers are a little less militant than that.

Writing TG fiction isolates it even further. Once upon a time, I harboured dreams of professional writing. (Those dreams aren’t dead, but with a milestone birthday approaching, those dreams are growing increasingly impatient.) Took some writing classes, wrote some fanfiction way back in the day. Every now and then it comes up in discussions with family and friends, though with an increasingly teasing tone: you writing anything? And I’d love to be able to answer: yes! A novel’s worth of writing, more even! But of course, I’m writing under a pseudonym in a genre that might not go down especially well with family and friends, and so it remains secret. They might wonder, with some justification, why I keep writing about men being transformed against their will into beautiful young women.

So sharing work with people I know in “real life” isn’t really possible, and that can be slightly discouraging at times. On the other hand, my current approach of sharing sneak peeks and the like via Patreon, seems to work. It’s a necessary adaptation to how the system works: why should anyone sign up to support the writing if there’s no evidence of writing happening? Previously, I’d only share once a chapter was completed, and though that worked well it also led to me eventually abandoning writing altogether for about a decade.

This also happened a little over a year ago, in between chapter 5 and the interlude. It’s hard to pin down exactly why, though a combination of pandemic, work and real-world pressures all played their part. And even though many of those real-world pressures (especially the work ones) remain, I don’t feel anywhere close to abandoning my writing this time around.

Quite the opposite, in fact. My writing is one of the parts of the day I look forward to the most. It’s been a welcome distraction through some recent rough patches.

And yet, it’s hard to not get discouraged at times. For example: I had a blast writing Silk and Shadows. I’d wanted to try my hand at writing Fantasy for ages, and that was the perfect excuse. What came out of that first month of writing in 2024 is, I think, pretty good. And yet by the few metrics available for judging the success of a piece of work, it appears to have been a bit of a failure. In terms of read count, part two on FM has only recently limped past the 1000 mark. To put that in perspective, the two stories on either side of it released that day, Lawyer2Maid and The Visit, have enjoyed 8000+ and nearly 5000 views, respectively.

(The read count is worse on Big Closet, and better on Tgstorytime, though there you can’t distinguish between individual chapters.)

Based on those numbers alone, it’s hard not to feel a little discouraged, you know? There’s a similar story with Constant. The final part of the Interlude sits at around 1500; the story immediately before it, Emily’s Summer Job has around 8800.

And I know it’s not just about read count. Reviews also matter, and I have to admit I’ve been very lucky there. Constant especially has drawn out a wonderful quantity of reviews over the years. It’s a pity more readers don’t appreciate how—encouraging?—a comment can be; it’s often the main currency for a writer.

So that balance of read count and reviews begs a number of questions: is my writing any good? Am I writing what people want to read? What is it that keeps some readers away? What am I doing—or not doing—that draws or repels readers?

The other currency for a writer is, of course, actual currency: money. I didn’t start writing Constant with any intention of profiting off of it, but then when I started writing it 17(!) years ago or so, monetisation options were pretty limited. (One of the pay-for sites did offer me money for the story back in the day, but I declined.)

Patreon changes things, I think. I honestly don’t think I’d still be writing Constant without it. It’s not the money. It’s a wonderful bonus, but this is quite a small Patreon, and the income from it is correspondingly small as well. However, it does bring a—pressure? Or sense of responsibility?—with it. Knowing people are willing to pay for it bring me back to the keyboard. It why, when I disappeared for those months a year ago, I tried to make reparations as best I could.

Of course, the other bonus from the Patreon is the ability to share the work in progress. I think it makes a big difference as well, and it’s another motivation to keep writing. The comments and responses really are encouraging—and often, helpful.

Do I wish my Patreon was bigger? Of course, how could I not? I recently had a little poke around for the first time, curious what other writers were offering. I was stunned by some of the success stories out there, like Foxface, with 700 paying members – that’s probably a near-liveable income – or Melissa N – pulling down over £4000/month, definitely a liveable income. Absolutely stunning! I’m very happy for them (and jealous, obviously) and again it begs the question: what are they offering that’s proved so successful? Consistency? A certain kind of fiction?

Which also begs another question: would I do this full-time, if I could? I honestly don’t know. Write professionally? In a second. To wake up and actually look forward to the day’s work? I can barely imagine how wonderful that must feel. But to do it writing in a genre I might not be able to share with friends and family? I don’t even know how that would work.

Nevertheless, it’d be nice to grow the Patreon a little more, draw in a few more readers. Someday, I suppose, I should really put some effort and time into the design and the contributor levels. I set those up quickly, back when I first started, without really knowing what I was doing. They probably deserve another look.

Anyway, I started this rambling exploration as I’d been thinking about keeping motivated recently, especially in the face of some discouraging moments, such as the smaller readership for Silk and Shadows. Fortunately, as I said at the start, I’m writing this at a time when I feel more motivated than ever. I think there’s a couple of reasons for the high spirits.

The first reason is also the dullest: routine. I’ve managed to establish a pretty good and solid routine, and on the days when I stick with it, motivated or not, I find the words come much easier. They’re not always the greatest words, but it’s something, even on days when I’m eyeing the word count and counting down to 500. (Which hasn’t happened much recently, these past few weeks I’ve been hitting 1000+/day pretty easily.)

Two, I enjoy writing. This is very cheesy to say, but I still find myself marvelling at times at the magic of imaginative writing. The way ideas form, coalesce in some unconscious soup and emerge onto the page is—magical, wonderful. Yes, that magic is frustrating and hard and exhausting at times, and the words used to manifest the characters and events I’m thinking often painfully elusive. But just as often, it just seems to happen and the next thing I know I’ve got two characters flirting playfully with each other against the backdrop of a moonlit sky and it’s hard not to feel good about that.

And finally—well, I think the stuff I’m writing is pretty good.

I mean, I also think it’s terrible, often, and yeah, I wonder what I’m doing writing this stuff about a thirty-five year old man forced to live a young girl’s life, and whether it’s just a massive waste of my time, and other peoples’ time.

But then I’ll also think about the characters, and underlying motivations, and the intricacies of background and plot, or indulge in a spot of world-building, and see how it comes alive on the page and think—I’m writing something pretty good, here. I look forward to the plot twists I’ve planned for, and to the plot twists and characters I never anticipated in my planning. There’s a joy in writing a character and finding them acting in ways you never anticipated. And even when my talent doesn’t quite match up with my aspirations, the attempt often feels rewarding and worth the effort. I thinkI’ve gotten better at writing over the past two years—and decade!—though I suppose that’s not really for me to decide.

Ultimately, I think I offer something—if not unique, at least uncommon—a slightly more literary erotica with TG flavouring. And whilst that might not be terribly popular, I think it’s still worth writing. And hopefully, you and others will find it worth reading.