Final Draft: Interlude (2/3)
Added 2023-12-22 00:09:02 +0000 UTCHere it is - the final version of the second pa
Comments
Thank you very much for this - absolutely invaluable having another set of eyes on this. Bit embarrassing having so many typos slip through after so many passes!
David Sanders
2023-12-24 07:42:25 +0000 UTCWonderful. I've read it twice now and it flows beautifully. It is long but not detrimentally so. There is a fair bit happening in the story even though it's really mostly conversation. Your fear about the middle bit is unfounded. In reality it is functioning as a bit of an exposition dump but it's well camouflaged. For one thing the trio telling each other things the reader needs to know makes it a lot more readable than if it was a one way dialog with one character unloading the info to a character being a proxy for the reader. For another thing much of that exposition is still firmly centered on the forced fem trope that much of the readership will be here for. Scooter and Crystals 'dry' medical takes are spiced up nicely with Jon's lurid fixations and Crystal's introspection on the effect his forced fem life is having. Almost as titillating as the Dan scene's as told by Cindy/David. All in all this part moves the tale along nicely giving us deeper insight into the motivations of the Asklepios crew while still saving a lot of mystery, and it has also given a lot of explanation about just how David is processing it all. The Sci Fi stuff from Jon regarding the regenerative properties on Davids neural development are great. It's highly believable 'techno babble' that allows us to see that David is becoming Cindy internally against his will, while still thinking he is in control of his own inner self. Normally that kind of thing in these stories becomes a tired old hypnosis trope, but here it's something much more complex and engaging. Chad has been fleshed out nicely and comes across as a likable bit player with a functional role, not just filler. Same to a lesser extent with Jasmine. I'm looking forward to seeing the final draft of 3/3 and I'm so very much looking forward to David's return home to Cindy's life at work, with Dan and with Julia. As promised I took notes and here are the typos I found. mostly just missing letters, missing spaces and a few transposed words. I cut and pasted them to make it easier for you to find them with; —you’ve got a war criminal, locked up downstair? He arm around my waist and suddenly I felt so… small, but the first thing I noticed as I’m eying this guy’s meat up close, His nob loomed large before me, bobbing jus a bit, he’s actually, at some level, becomingher.” he has to out of fear of ending of like our specimen downstairs. “Because you’ve don’t good work,” he said. “Hey, like I said—you didn’t great.” A day’s surgery and we’d be sending back within the week with a brand new pussy.” Crystal face flushed red, as she slid into their booth—theirbooth. left me with a real fear of letting other take charge.
Julia
2023-12-23 04:32:21 +0000 UTC
