Finished Chapter: Second Interlude (1/3)
Added 2023-11-23 06:40:27 +0000 UTCFinished proof-reading the first part of the In
Comments
Never apologize for suggestions, I love hearing them. You're absolutely correct about David's passive reception - it didn't sit right with me as well. I've just posted the edited draft for Interlude 3/3, and there's a bit more internal monologue there to show what's going through his head. Hopefully it rings a bit more true now. The 'boy voice/girl voice' thing worked (I -think-) for this part of the story, but it's gone, for now at least. I don't think it would work as well once the main story returns to 1st person narration.
David Sanders
2023-11-24 15:26:54 +0000 UTCRegarding interlude: Acceptance. Great, awesome. Still... Unfortunately I also have some suggestions. Ignore them please. It's YOUR story. In other case you won't be doing anything, but changing your story all the time. When news about staying as Cindy is delivered to David he doesn't attack. Physically. That I can understand. But the fact that he's also silent being an object of such treachery is something I don't buy at all. At the very least he should have one liner. Like for example: " Maybe you haven't noticed it, but Hamles DIES. Cindy's inner voice works very good in this part. But could make it less dominant in future? Swapping a corset for a girdle in Ivy's story is a positive change. Earlier I had doubts about which century(XIX or XX) she's talking about.
Carmons58
2023-11-24 08:11:48 +0000 UTCGlad you liked it, and that the beginning/end mirroring came through! I've tweaked it slightly to make it more apparent; I wanted to begin and end on the question of "Who is David Saunders?" - as you wrote, I've tried to do a little exploration on the question of identity throughout the Interlude. Hopefully, it'll work for readers!
David Sanders
2023-11-23 21:43:20 +0000 UTCFantastic - and very useful - many thanks for the help! I've made a numebr of these edits already; I think the first part of the Interlude is pretty much ready to go. I'm waffling a bit on the SIN-Di clues--it really is difficult to distance myself enough from the story to determine whether it's really, relaly obvious, or still obscure. Want to give some little hints, but not overdo it. I'll let it sit for a day and try again. I like the idea of a sort of 'nemesis' for Jonathon, I'll have to think on that. I've proofread part 3, but got a little bogged down in part 2, which'll take a bit longer. Dissatisfied with the long (very long - 10K words) discussion between the three, so looking at ways to break it up, slim it down a bit, or both. Anyway, thank you again for the editing assist! No matter how many times I scan over the text, there's always an error or two that slips through....
David Sanders
2023-11-23 21:41:35 +0000 UTCI hadn't noticed the structural similarities between the beginning of the interlude and its end scenes Questions of identity and figures hiding in darkened rooms.... Excellent stuff!
Asklepios
2023-11-23 13:06:02 +0000 UTCGreat read. It's got a nice organic flow and pacing is tight. Reckon it's pretty much ready for publishing as you said but I've been taking notes as I read it this time. Figured a spot of proof reading/notes from a second set of eyes might help, not great at it myself, but I'll do what I can. Feel free to ignore any subjective notes, I won't be offended. I've cut and pasted the relevant passages to make it easier for you to ctrl F when applicable; First scene you have David 'bathed in light' and then silhouetted without moving. K dialog: Weaker, at least physically, than you were, and reliant—desperate—on others. / Should be 'desperately so' ? K dialog: “And so, yes, David, I do like you this, very much so.” / Should be 'like you like this'. K remembering first meeting with David: Eve then, however, certain details hadn’t rung quite true. / Even then K surveillance of David: she followed her ward as he made his was from the residence quarter / residential quarter? although residence quarter still works. / Made his way to replace made his was. Scene Three: A small room, greige walls, sparsely decorated / Might be beige, but perhaps greige is an intentional grey beige portmanteau? Good word even if it's not a real one. Subjective note RE: Longman/Sin Di. Might want to remove or tone down a few of the more neon bright clues if you are hoping to have it come as a surprise a few chapters in that they are the same person. Reads well, but it seems glaringly obvious, although that might just be from regular re-reads of earlier chapters and now redundant interlude drafts. Maybe mention her doing a Longman cover song but remove the speculation/mystery of how she got his permission? Subjective note RE Crystal session: “I suppose you’re far more the target audience for this publication than I am,” / given the early nature of the session it seems out of place for Crystal to use 'you're' as if Cindy is a normal girl. Perhaps she could use 'girls your age' or 'girls like you' to open her tactic of connecting Cindy/David to the Lumen mag? Subjective note RE 'Scooter' : Beginning of scene 4 he is dreaming of glory and fame from his work. But there's an unnamed medical genius from a NeoPharm black site that developed the tech that Scooter is using/back engineering. Might be worth mentioning that in his day dream. I'm sure that Dr Bridges would be brooding over that and obsessing over who they might be. I've read him as a bastard, but an intrinsically honest one, at least intellectually speaking. Knowing that out in the world is someone far ahead of him with all the answers must be eating at him. Scooter and David meeting: Still, the feminised man him had good cause to want to hurt him / should be, feminised man before him So as I said, the typos seem to be few in number, although I could well have missed a handful still. The notes are yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure. Great work.
Julia
2023-11-23 11:04:50 +0000 UTC
