𝗚𝗶𝗳𝘁 𝗧𝘄𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘆-𝗙𝗶𝘃𝗲

𝗚𝗶𝗳𝘁 𝗧𝘄𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘆-𝗙𝗶𝘃𝗲:

Hard Talks

❅𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗧𝘄𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘆-𝗙𝗶𝘃𝗲❅

My focus felt almost tunneled, especially during the car ride to the Chun hotel.

I willingly thought about my dad and what he had done—how he had killed a child and traumatized so many people.

My mind was racing with different thoughts and emotions—but this was a better alternative than thinking about what just happened.

Whether that was Dani, someone who was always too far gone.

She's always been this abusive person, even in high school.

Only now, she purposely used her abuse and manipulation for the gain of this new gang.

But she's always been an abuser, and I'm not quite sure why I always tried fighting the image of her like that.

Maybe it's because it's harder to come to terms with?

It's harder to imagine that I let someone treat me like that.

Then there's Mazin, someone I felt so bad for leaving behind like that.

It felt like high school, but so much worse.

Especially because she genuinely thought I might leave again.

And then we had made progress.

More than we ever had, and now I'm scared we won't get that back.

That it's all been ruined at the hands of Dani.

And my dad's actions.

And even my actions.

I pushed her away when this was something beyond her control.

And I understand she respected my dad's wishes, but it also doesn't soften the burn of being left in the dark.

And that's where I struggle.

I struggle with the fact that she and Tahir both knew about this for years.

But then I also struggle with the other fact that I wasn't here to begin with.

That I just got back from Korea.

This is all just so messy—everything feels tangled.

I let out a deep breath, stepping off of the elevator and walking down the familiar hallway.

My heart raced in my chest, squeezing my hands together as I approached the door.

Which was left unlocked for me.

I had specified that I wanted to speak with my dad, so I'm not surprised that he was already waiting for me—standing over by the kitchen.

"Vee," he said with his usual smile, probably assuming this involved business.

That maybe I need his help or something.

My dad's smile slowly faded, noticing how I didn't walk closer to him.

I wanted space between us.

"What's going on?" he asked, rounding the kitchen island to walk over to me.

"You killed an unborn child," I bluntly said, crossing my arms over my chest.

And I swear I've never seen his face fall so fucking quickly.

I had genuinely caught him off guard.

"And I assume their aunt's suicide was because of you? Because of your actions?" I said, recalling how open Tazmin was about her sister's suicide.

She never tried to keep it from any of us—once they hit a certain age and Tahir kept asking about the blonde woman in the photos, they had to sit down with them and explain what had happened.

"I promise I regret it, Virelai—I think about it every day," my dad suddenly spoke, standing across from me with so much space between us.

"I can't believe this—I can't believe you're capable of something like this," I whispered as tears unconsciously burned in my eyes.

My dad drew in a deep breath, "It was one of the worst things I've done, and I've done a lot of bad things," he whispered, glancing away from me, "But your grandparents were very strict about who was involved in our family, and whether we had married first before having a child—"

"So you kill the child?" I cut him short, quickly wiping my tears away.

My dad let out a deep sigh, finally meeting my stare again, "I was young and I always listened to them—I wanted to take over the Chun empire, and disobeying them meant I wouldn't get anything," he tried to explain, suddenly shaking his head, "And it's not an excuse—what I did isn't okay. I'm just saying I would never do something like that now, Virelai," he said, whispering the last part when his eyes subtly grew glassy with tears.

Which only seemed to make me more upset.

I've only seen him cry on a few occasions—my graduations or then when my mom moved to Korea and he had to adjust to her absence.

But I've never seen him cry like this.

"Your actions have ruined everything," I whispered as more tears fell from my eyes, just wanting my dad to hold me for once and tell me this would all be okay.

But he did this.

He caused this.

"I can't even look at Mazin because of the lie you made her keep—the lie you made them all keep," I said, watching as he glanced up to the high ceilings above us—wiping his tears away.

"It's not her fault—it's none of their faults," my dad quickly said, letting out another deep breath, "This is on me. I should've told you sooner, but I didn't want to change your perspective of me."

I remained silent for a moment, sniffling as I wiped more of my tears.

And processed the conversation we're currently having.

How can Lena and Tazmin even be around him?

Be around me?

They should hate the sight of us both.

They should've said no when Mazin asked for our first play date so long ago.

They shouldn't have even let my dad enroll me at Claremont with their children.

I swear I wouldn't have blamed them knowing all of this.

"I shot Dani," I suddenly said, glancing back over to my dad, "And I watched her die—I wanted her to die," I clarified.

My dad's expression immediately grew concerned at my straightforward words, "What happened? Are you okay?" he asked.

I shrugged, "She hit me, a couple of times actually—in high school, and then she did it again recently," I said, which made my dad's concern quickly escalate to something else.

To anger instead.

"She was abusive, Virelai?" My dad asked me, suddenly taking a protective step toward me.

I only took one back, "It's not so nice when it's your own daughter is it?" I purposely ask him, circling back to the point I'm trying to make.

"It's not," he didn't hesitate to say, "I know it's not and I'm aware that what I did—"

"And what if somebody crashed into me? What if they killed your unborn grandchild?" I asked him, taking a step closer to him, "Would it feel differently now that you have a child? Now that you have a daughter?"

And this time he's silent.

Painfully silent almost.

And the fact that he can't even look at me makes this all worse.

"Your actions make me sick to my stomach," I say, my tone calm for once and my tears finally dried and gone, "What you have done is disgusting and you'll never be able to wash your hands of that."

My dad nodded a few times, "I know," he whispered, wiping under his eyes as he glanced up to meet my stare, "And I'm sorry—I'm really sorry for keeping this from you."

I shook my head, realizing that I wouldn't be able to forgive him.

At least not right now.

I'm not sure if I'll be spending Christmas with him, or even my birthday in January.

And that hurts a lot. 

"I just need time," I suddenly whispered, especially when tears burned in my eyes again.

And as soon as my hands began trembling, I felt every heavy emotion all over again.

Only tenfold.

"I understand," my dad said, his voice barely audible among the quiet air.

And suddenly I felt like my mom, leaving him here all alone.

Especially during the holidays.

But he did this.

These are his actions.

"I-I love you," my dad said as soon as I backed away to the door.

And his words alone managed to make my heart sink, wanting to just walk back over to him and hug him.

But I just can't right now.

"I love you too," I quickly whispered, turning away from him and walking toward the door.

It was a feeling I had never experienced before, the heaviness in my chest was unexplainable.

And my tears just wouldn't stop.

I had to keep my head down as I walked quickly through the hotel and out to the waiting SUV.

The same one I rode in from the warehouse I left Tahir and Mazin at.

Which somehow only made me more upset.

I knew once I got home, I would be burying myself under covers and trying to forget this awful day.

From Dani showing up in my classroom, then hours later seeing her chained up and having to hear the worst news about my own dad—and then leaving Mazin like that.

Leaving my dad like that after having such a hard conversation with him.

Today might've genuinely traumatized me.

And now I can spend Friday and my entire weekend in bed isolating myself.

❅

So apparently, I couldn't fully isolate myself, given Nelli showed up the next morning.

Ronan had mentioned something happened, but given he didn't know the exact details, that's really all he could tell her.

Something tells me Mazin told him to tell her.

But I didn't want to think about that.

I didn't want to think about her or I would cry again.

Nelli spent all day in bed with me, not asking any questions until I was ready to finally confide in her.

But it was just so much.

How Dani started being abusive and manipulative again, then her being in that cell, and then what my dad did.

And even Tahir and Mazin who knew about it all.

But after spending all day in bed, sleeping it off or distracting myself with Netflix—I was finally ready to tell Nelli.

I took a shower and she grabbed us Wingstop, which would be the first thing on my stomach today.

Once I had my black pajamas on and my wet hair brushed out, I was officially ready to eat and spill everything to Nelli.

And by the time I recited everything back to her, we had long finished dinner—sitting at the kitchen island as she intently listened to everything I said.

"It's just hard to process because it happened so quickly, and then I don't want to be upset at Mazin because it's not technically her fault..." I trailed off, furrowing my brows in confusion at my own thoughts, "But it's hard to separate my emotions right now, especially when I've been lied to."

Nelli immediately nodded, "I think it's fair to feel that way, Vee," she said, gently grabbing my hand and squeezing it in reassurance, "And I'm happy you're seeing her perspective and not blaming it all directly on her," she added, and I knew what she was referring to.

It was when I blamed Mazin that night when Dani had first hit me at that frat party.

I knew it wasn't Mazin's fault but I chose to blame her.

It felt easier to blame her after she had hurt me in a way Dani couldn't.

And Dani had hurt me really bad, physically and emotionally. 

"I also think the way you handled this all with your dad was really mature," Nelli said, her dark eyes holding mine, "Like you didn't try to brush it under the rug and you had a really hard talk with him."

I nodded a few times, drawing in a deep breath when tears burned in my eyes, "I just feel really bad because I left him there alone and it's the holidays—"

"But that's his fault, he did this and the holidays don't excuse how hurt this makes you feel," Nelli quickly cut me short, pursing her lips into a frown as she watched me quickly wipe my tears away.

"I know, I just..." I trailed off, letting out another deep sigh as I blinked more of my annoying tears away.

"You're just a caring person, and that's never a bad thing," Nelli said, gently squeezing my hand again, "But this needs time or it will never fully heal."

I nodded silently, sniffling a few times as I used my free hand to wipe more of my tears away.

"I want to circle back to Maz," Nelli determined, her dark eyes still on me, "Because I know you're upset, but I also know it's more with the situation than it is her."

Just like that, more tears weighed down my eyes—silently agreeing with my best friend as she squeezed my hand yet again, letting me know that she was here beside me.

"You know I'm always here for you, Vee, but we also both know it's different with her," Nelli said, softly whispering the last part, "Of course, I'll stay the night months at a time if that's what it takes to help you through this—but we both know she supports you differently than I ever can."

I nodded at her honest words, knowing she only wanted the best for me.

And everything aside, I do wish it was Mazin right here beside me.

I love Nelli so much, but she's right, it is different with Mazin.

The hugs are different, the support is different.

And I... I miss her more than I should in the span of over twenty-four hours.

"I want her to be here for me," I finally whispered, wiping more of my tears away.

"If that's what you want then you should let her be here for you right now," Nelli whispered to me, letting go of my hand to pull me in a hug.

And I immediately wrapped my arms back around her, hugging her so tightly.

"Worst case scenario, you decide that you can't move past it and you need more time," Nelli told me, hugging me tighter to her body, "Which would be okay, she would understand and I'll still be here."

I nodded a few times, truly determining that I do want Mazin to be here for me.

And maybe I could be there for her—it was her aunt that my dad had traumatized.

I suddenly glanced over to the clock on the stove, which read 1:23 am.

"I should wait to text her until the morning," I suddenly said, knowing it was the middle of the night and I didn't want to bother her.

"Girl I bet she's up right now," Nelli said, smiling slightly as we pulled away from the hug.

I pursed my lips into a small smile, "But wouldn't it be a little insane to go right now?" I asked, imagining she's actually asleep and then here I am randomly knocking on her door.

"I think it would be the good kind of insane," Nelli said, shrugging as she stood from her chair, "But you can wait until tomorrow and I'll stay the night."

I quickly shook my head, "No, I think I will go tonight," I suddenly decided, pushing past my own overthinking thoughts.

Mazin probably is up.

And I think she might like seeing me I think?

I know I would really like to see her.

"I can drive you if you want?" Nelli offered, but I immediately shook my head, knowing she'd already been here since early this morning.

She's done plenty for me.

"I'll drive myself, you go home and get some sleep," I told her, now standing from my chair.

And I didn't care if I was in pajamas, I only slid on a pair of slippers and grabbed my keys—leaving my apartment with Nelli by my side.