𝗚𝗶𝗳𝘁 𝗦𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗲𝗻

𝗚𝗶𝗳𝘁 𝗦𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗲𝗻:
Safe

❅𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗦𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗲𝗻❅

Sitting through three movies after what happened in that bathroom with Mazin had to be the hardest fucking thing I've done.

And it seemed to be for Mazin too given she would subtly glance behind her to our row anytime she turned her head to talk to Tahir or Dove.

It was brief but her eyes would immediately lock with mine, saying things her mouth couldn't at this given moment.

At some point throughout the movie, I officially decided to have a conversation with Dani.

I needed to end whatever this was.

No more backing out.

I think I'll be much more at ease once I do this anyway.

It's just the idea of doing it scares me.

But I don't think the same thing from the past will happen.

Not over something as small as ending this.

I mean, Dani respected my actions when I purposely kept my hands in my lap—not trying to grab my hand to hold in hers.

I think she'll respect my decision with this too.

She would have to.

"I think Elf was the best movie," Dani said as we walked out of the theater with everyone.

And I couldn't help but stare forward at her blonde hair.

She was only a few feet in front of us with Lena, Tazmin, Dove, Alena, and Tahir.

Omara seemed to be by Nadia's side with their arms looped together—and then Ronan was with Nelli who was still rubbing that racing game in his face.

And then there were the twins going back and forth over Vic stealing all of Mav's popcorn while Marie and Jada seemed to laugh.

It was a happy chatter.

One that sounded so echoey even if it was close.

I just really hope this goes well.

Then I won't feel so far away anymore.

"Did you want me to take you back to your place?" Dani asked as she threw away the empty popcorn container filled with the trash from our snacks.

I shook my head as I grabbed my phone to text my driver, "No..." I suddenly trailed off, realizing that would be a good time to talk to her.

I can tell her once we get to my place and then I'll just get out of the car.

"Actually that would work," I determined, glancing away from my phone.

"Okay," Dani said with her usual smile as we walked past everyone who lingered in the lobby.

So I made an effort to leave Dani for a moment to hug Nadia and Omara goodbye—walking over to Tazmin and Lena as well.

"You're leaving?" Lena asked, clearly not the happiest by my departure.

I nodded, "I'm calling it a night," I said, briefly hugging her goodbye.

"With Dani?" Tazmin asked, not bothering to hide her judgment.

I pursed my lips into a smile, "Yes..." I said almost awkwardly, unsure of what to say.

They both seem disappointed in my choice.

"Well, we're happy you could make it," Lena said, subtly nudging Tazmin.

Who nodded almost reluctantly, "Yeah, hopefully, you had a good time," she said, pulling me into a brief hug.

Which I reciprocated before walking off to tell everyone else goodbye.

I headed over to the twins next—who stood with Marie and Jada, trying to rush a little bit with Dani waiting at the door.

At least until she said something about starting the car for us—knowing it would be a more lengthy goodbye with Nelli who stood with Ronan, Tahir, Alena, and Mazin.

"Ugh, you're leaving?" Nelli asked with a dramatic frown, opening her arms when I leaned in for a hug.

"I am," I said as we briefly hugged.

"We were about to grab food after this," Tahir said, which naturally made me tilt my head.

"At almost twelve in the morning?" I asked in amusement, pulling away from Nelli to briefly hug Tahir as well.

"They rented out a restaurant nearby," Tahir said almost nonchalantly as we pulled back from the hug.

"Sounds about right," I murmured, shaking my head as I briefly hugged Alena too—and then fist-bumped Ronan when he lifted his hand up.

That left me with Mazin, who suddenly made me feel nervous again—especially with her stare pinpointed on me.

She had never seemed to glance away from me.

"I'll see you," I awkwardly said, unsure of what else to say to her.

Even if our lips had been pressed together just a few hours ago.

"You'll see me?" she emphasized, almost amused by my awkwardness.

I felt my lips twitch up slightly, "Yes, Mazin," I said, my tone unconsciously growing playful with her.

"Okay, Virelai," she mocked back to me, taking a step forward to gently grab my hand—

And pull me into a hug.

A deep sigh naturally fell from my lips as her arms settled around my waist—wrapping my arms back around her torso for a brief hug.

But it was far from brief, given neither of us took a step back from each other.

"Let go first," Mazin said, her voice barely audible in my ear that her warm breath fell on—sending shivers rolling down my spine.

"Why me?" I whispered back to her, completely surrounded by her warmth and familiar cologne.

"Because I don't want to," Mazin said honestly, her voice still so close to my ear, "Not if it means you're leaving with her."

I shook my head, "It's the last time," I tried to assure her, knowing what talk I was about to have with Dani.

"I'd rather no time at all," Mazin countered, her arms instinctively tightening around my waist.

I let out a deep sigh, "Mazin," I whispered, feeling my shoulders relax, "We have to let go," I said, knowing everyone was probably looking at us now.

Which made it harder to pull away even more.

I just wanted to stay here, shielded away from everything.

"I don't have to let go," Mazin pointed out, naturally making my lips twitch up.

"You're making this harder than it needs to be," I determined, shaking my head at her, "I should've never hugged you."

Mazin hummed, "You didn't," she emphasized, "I hugged you."

"Mazin," I groaned in annoyance, now pushing her away.

Which made her chuckle a few times, pulling me back in even closer for a brief hug—squeezing her arms around my waist before she let me go entirely.

I pursed my lips at the coldness I suddenly felt from the loss of contact, hating that I had to turn around and walk out of this building to Dani.

Dinner would've been nice with everyone.

But I have to have this conversation with her.

And in private.

There's no need to cause a possible public scene.

"This is exactly why I didn't want to let go first," Mazin pointed out, openly eying my face, "You look disappointed."

I shook my head, "I'm fine," I assured her, even if my stomach naturally tied in knots when I took a step back from her, "I should go," I said, briefly glancing over to Nelli and Ronan who still stood off to the side with Tahir and Alena.

And I couldn't miss the subtle look Nelli gave me.

Along with Tahir.

I just know Omara and Nadia are looking at us right now.

Tazmin and Lena probably are too.

Which naturally made me feel shy, hating any form of a public spectacle.

And right now, I'm definitely one.

"You still have my number," Mazin said, snapping my focus back to her, "Text me when you get home safe."

I nodded almost hesitantly, mostly because her words were genuine and her eyes held concern.

It's almost like no time passed between us at all.

"Virelai," Mazin suddenly said, which immediately made me nod again.

"Okay, I'll text you," I said, knowing that a nod wasn't enough for her—she wanted a verbal confirmation.

Just as she always needed even years ago.

I suddenly let out a deep sigh, forcing myself to back away from her completely and turn around.

I don't know how I managed to get sucked into a five-minute conversation with Mazin.

I awkwardly stared forward as I walked through the lobby, feeling like everyone was either staring at me or Mazin.

Who I knew was watching me walk away.

The night air was chilled against my face, pressing the door open to walk out toward Dani's running car.

Thank god she wasn't inside.

I'm unsure what she would've done had she witnessed me and Mazin hugging... like that.

"Sorry, goodbyes can get you sucked into conversations," I jokingly said, deciding to leave out the lengthy hug part.

"You're good," Dani said as she sat her phone down in the cup holder, "Are you hungry or anything?"

I quickly shook my head as I buckled my seatbelt, "Not at all," I lied, knowing I would definitely be eating those leftovers I had from her mom, "I'm just tired honestly," I added, wanting to just go straight home so we could have this talk.

"Your place it is then," Dani said with her usual smile, putting the car in drive.

I nodded in response, relaxing back in my seat as she slowly guided the car away from the curb.

And as we sat in the car together, Dani turned on soft Christmas music—making the car ride much less awkward between us.

It was only when we approached my familiar apartment building minutes later that I started to grow anxious.

But I can do this.

I need to do this.

I have to do better at speaking up for myself.

"Do you mind if I come up?" Dani asked as she put the car in park, "I drank so much fucking water and I hate public restrooms."

I nodded before I could think it through, "Sure," I whispered, blinking a few times as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

And since we were parked in the front, we had to go through the main entrance—where I had to put my code in.

Along with the elevator, given it won't go up without your authorization.

It was quiet between us—all I could hear were our footsteps and my heart pounding in my ears.

I didn't like the idea of Dani in my space.

In my comfort zone.

But it felt too late now given we were already standing at the door to my apartment that I unlocked.

"The half bath is over to the left," I told her, motioning over as we walked into my apartment.

Dani nodded, "Okay thank you," she said, glancing around my apartment, "Your place is cute."

I forced a smile, "Thank you," I said, setting my keys down as she walked off to the nearby bathroom.

It really only took her a couple of minutes, but I swear time moved slower for me.

Especially with my heart slowly beginning to race in my chest.

Maybe I just shouldn't talk to her about this yet.

Maybe I should—

No, no, I said I would.

I can't keep putting this off.

"Are you good?" Dani asked as she approached me by the kitchen island, walking out of the bathroom, "You look a little on edge."

I immediately nodded, "Yeah—yes, I just," I went to speak, letting out a deep breath, "I wanted to talk to you."

Dani immediately nodded, "Of course, what is it?" she asked, her dark eyes holding mine.

Which somehow made my anxiety triple.

Fuck.

"I just, I want to take a step back from this," I quickly said before I could think it through, "Like for good," I clarified better, naturally playing with my hands to center myself.

Because Dani is silent right now.

And almost unreadable.

She's just looking at me.

"Okay..." Dani suddenly trailed off, nearly making my shoulders relax in relief, "I'm assuming this has to do with you and Mazin in that bathroom?"

I shook my head, "No—"

"I know you lied about her not being in there," Dani cut me short before I could say anything, easily making me draw in a deep breath.

Which I hoped would steady me. 

But it didn't. 

"It was brief and I didn't want to make it a big deal," I quickly lied, glancing away from her stare.

I just need to breathe.

Focus on breathing.

"You're lying," Dani said, taking a step toward me.

Which naturally made me take one back, the counter pressing into my spine.

"This... it has nothing to do with her," I said, unconsciously stumbling over my words, "I just want to take a step back from this. That's all."

She shook her head, scoffing to herself, "It's always something with her—it always has been," she said, and I could sense her irritation.

The same irritation I recalled years ago.

I battled between the idea of staying silent like I would've back in high school, or speaking up.

I knew I needed to speak up better.

That I need to do more for myself.

"Why even talk to me again if you knew there's always been something with her?" I decided to ask her, hoping she could see that this wasn't my issue.

It was hers.

I think I was clear when I tried to take a step back that night we went ice skating.

Or when I try to avoid her touch.

It feels like she chooses to ignore it.

"Because I thought it was fucking different," Dani said, her voice easily growing louder with me, "But you're still the same whore everyone remembers you as."

I clenched my jaw at her harsh words, feeling my hands begin to tremble uncontrollably.

It was her tone, how she looked at me—it made me want to cry. 

"You need to leave," I suddenly said, remembering that this is my apartment and not hers.

I can make her leave whenever I want her to.

"We're not finished with this conversation," Dani said, taking another step toward me.

Which easily made my strong wall slowly start to crumble.

Especially at her suffocating presence. 

"I'm asking you to leave," I tried again, keeping my voice as steady and as strong as possible.

"I want to know what happened in that bathroom first," Dani insisted, not backing down even at my clear demands.

"It was nothing—just leave, Dani," I said, deciding that telling her about that kiss would only worsen this situation.

I just need to get her out.

I quickly leaned to the right when she reached for my shoulder, gasping at the swiftness of it all.

"Tell me what fucking happened," Dani said as I naturally ducked around her, backing myself toward the living room that she followed me into.

"I already did," I emphasized, unconsciously raising my hands up in my own defense, "Just leave—I'm telling you to leave."

This was such a mistake—all of this was a mistake.

I should've never let her come up here.

I should've said no.

What is wrong with me?

"Tell me and I'll leave," Dani still insisted—and as she neared me, I slowly felt my heart racing out of my chest, feeling trapped with the glass wall behind me.

I only had a second, if that, to think about my next move.

My next words.

I just really want her to leave.

"We kissed," I suddenly whispered.

Dani’s hand flew up before I could brace myself, the back of it colliding with my face. 

I breathless whine burned in my throat as the sound echoed in my ears, reaching for my burning cheek as tears swelled in my eyes.

The room slowly spun around me as my vision quickly grew blurry from my tears.  

But with Dani nearing me, I had no time to think.

Not if I wanted to protect myself.

"Stop," I forced out, the word buried under the thick lump in my throat.

But I heard it—it echoed around us. 

But Dani didn't stop. 

She only lifted her hand again. 

I quickly reached up to push her away from me—as hard as I possibly could, kicking my foot against her knee to help.

Dani stumbled back at the impact, "Fuck," she said, tripping over her feet as she tried to gain stability on her knee.

But the edge of the rug only made her trip backward, twisting around to catch her footing.

I gasped slightly when she stumbled again, falling face-first into my glass coffee table as her head roughly bounced back from the impact against the exposed marble floor to the side of the rug.

It all replayed over in my head in slow motion, breathing heavily as I stood still for a moment—processing her limp body lying across my floor.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I... I didn't mean to do that.

I didn't want to hurt her.

I blinked a few times, feeling a stinging sensation run down my cheeks—which I quickly realized were tears.

My breathing grew rapid.

My trembling hands grew worse.

And my heart—my entire chest, it hurts.

I buried my face in my hands, breaking down entirely as a frustrated sob burned in the back of my throat.

Especially with Dani not moving—I'm unsure if she's even breathing.

I hope I didn't kill her.

I really hope I didn't kill her.

Please.

I drew in a few rapid breaths, wiping my tears as I hesitantly walked past her limp body to grab my phone.

I can't believe I did that.

I pushed her.

She could be dead.

What if she's dead?

What if I killed her?

"Vee?" I heard his familiar voice through the heaviness of my breathing.

And I swear I could only cry harder as I stumbled down to the floor, pulling my knees to my chest.

"Vee," he said again with more firmness, concern prominent in his tone, "Hold on guys," I heard him suddenly say, causing me to process the faint chatter in the background.

He's at dinner.

They're at dinner.

And I just—

"Vee what's going on?" he said again, the lingering chatter now nonexistent, "Give me one word."

I shook my head, desperately trying to breathe so I could speak.

But I can't.

My chest burns and my vision is blurry.

It feels tunneled almost.

I don't feel like I'm here right now.

"I-I," I tried to force out, burying my face in my knees, "I killed her—I think I..." I trailed off, breathing deeply through my stomach which expanded with each deep breath.

"I'm on the way," Tahir didn't hesitate to say, "Don't move," he added, promptly ending the call.

I felt my eyes burn worse with tears, rocking myself back and forth as I tried to stay grounded.

Trying not to replay what just happened.

Or what I did.

I'm really not cut out for this.

For any of this.

I really shouldn't have come back.

I should've stayed in Korea.

I would've been safe.

I just want to feel safe.