A Corrupted Past

Case File Name:

The Typical Five Words.

♤Chapter Eighty-Three♤

Nine Years Ago.

I furrowed my brows as soon as the most annoying sound to grace this earth stirred me from my sleep.

Which was my alarm—specifically the generic iPhone alarm.

Which I turned off as quickly as I could, unlocking my phone to glance through any new notifications.

The usual Snapchat and Instagram notifications captured my attention first—scrolling down through them all until I reached any new messages.

There were some from Sophie and—

I blinked a few times, feeling my heart plummet so far past my stomach that it knocked the air out of me.

Suddenly, I wanted to crawl right back under my covers and never come out.

Not if it meant this was my reality.

Which consisted of the pitied look I knew I would receive from everyone—combined with the typical five words.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My parents were declared deceased just last night and somehow my entire family knew about it this morning.

Even my baba's side in Dubai.

Yet somehow I had completely forgotten.

I woke up and didn't think twice about it.

A deep sigh fell from my lips, feeling my eyes burn with the same tears I had just cried last night.

I had never experienced a pain quite like this.

I had actually never experienced real pain at all...

The worst pain I can remember is scraping my knee while riding my bike a few years ago. 

I remember the alcohol my baba cleaned the cut with stinging in the worst possible way.

Who's supposed to take care of my wounds now?

I shook my head, feeling my throat close up and my vision blur with more tears.

It was enough to suddenly make me rip the covers off of my body and stand from my large bed.

And as I adjusted my sweatshirt and shorts, I purposely avoided looking at the framed pictures on my nightstand—knowing my tears would only grow more uncontrollable.

I let out a heavy sigh, wiping away my tears as I walked out of my room in search of my sister.

At least I still have her.

At least she wasn't with them last night.

When we got the news from a policeman on our doorstep, I knew I could count on her to hold me.

To wipe my tears and tell me it would all be okay.

I slowly stopped at Morana's bedroom door which was cracked open slightly—about to reach up to knock.

Until I heard sniffles and muffled sobs.

They sounded painful and unbearable—muffled by a pillow or Morana's hand.

I drew in a deep breath, glancing down at the floor that looked so blurry from my tears.

Laying in Morana's familiar warm embrace suddenly felt like the last thing on my mind.

So did crying even if my tears didn't want to stop.

But they would have to.

I need to be strong for Morana.

She already has to take care of me and so many other important details regarding their death.

She also has to plan their funeral.

I suddenly glanced up when the doorbell echoed throughout the house.

And as soon as my older sister's muffled crying halted—I quickly backed away from her door so I could head downstairs.

Even if the front door was the last thing I wanted to answer after the news we received on our doorstep last night.

But luckily it was only Zane—a guy my sister had recently started dating.

They had met in one of her economics classes and started off as friends partnered in an assignment given by their professor. 

But somewhere along the way things shifted and now he's always expected to join our family dinners. 

Or what was left of our family dinners. 

"I made muffins and orange juice," Zane said as soon as I glanced down to the bowl and pitcher in his hands, "I can also help with any morning duties you might have."

I forced a smile, "Morana could use some of that help," I said, opening the front door wider for him.

Zane nodded almost hesitantly, at least after analyzing my face for a moment.

"I uh know you probably don't want to hear this but I'm really sorry—"

"You didn't crash into them Zane," I cut him short before he could finish, "So there's nothing to be sorry for," I added, lightening my tone as I sucked in a deep breath with hopes of keeping any tears from growing in my eyes.

Because I wish no one crashed into them in the first place.

I quickly shook my head at my thoughts, "I'm going to take a shower," I quickly said before I could be around Zane's comforting presence any longer.

But just as I made it to the stairs, Morana was coming down them.

"Zane was at the door," I said, gently patting Morana's shoulder as I passed her, "I'm going to shower and get ready for school—but save me a muffin."

My sister furrowed her brows, "School? Are you sure you want—"

"Yeah-yeah, I'm starting to feel a little bit better after crying last night," I cut her short.

And it was a complete lie, but I also knew it'd give her one less thing to worry about.

She already has so much on her plate.

"Really? Because you can always stay home with me and Zane," Morana said as I walked back toward my room.

"Yeah, I have a few tests to take today anyways—and there's a football game tonight," I said, closing my bedroom door before Morana could say anything else.

And before I could process it, specifically, the tears begging to grow in my eyes—

I ran to my bathroom and tugged the clothes off of my body.

First my sweatshirt and then my shorts.

I was left entirely bare—and under the cold water of the shower, I later turned on.

It was the only idea I could think of when it came to distracting myself from crying.

And it definitely worked considering all I could focus on was my chattering teeth and shivering body.

What was supposed to be a ten-minute shower turned into almost twenty minutes—mostly because I refused to step out until the urge to cry faded.

But as soon as I was out of the shower, I nearly rushed to get ready considering I had to catch the bus for the first time in my life.

I opted for a grey off-the-shoulder top and jeans, wearing my dark hair down with my usual mascara and lipstick.

"These look really good," I told Zane as I quickly grabbed a muffin, heading toward the door to grab my Jansport book bag.

"Thanks, I added extra blueberries this time around," Zane said as he sipped on his orange juice, sitting beside my sister at the kitchen island.

Who was currently eyeing every inch of my face.

Until a sudden look of realization crossed her features, "Oh shoot, baba drives you to school doesn't he?" Morana said, suddenly standing from her chair.

I quickly shook my head as I opened the front door, "No-no I think I want to take the bus today," I quickly said, not wanting to trouble her at all, "You guys just enjoy breakfast."

Morana pursed her lips, "It's fine really, you could also drive half of the way for more pract—"

"That's the bus," I gently cut my sister short, "I think I'll be all good today on a ride, but I appreciate the offer," I said, flashing my sister a grateful smile.

"Okay... but text me when you get there," Morana said as I backed out of the house through the open doorway, "I love you," she said, walking over to me.

"I love you too..." I trailed off when Morana pulled me into a hug, nearly squeezing me for dear life.

I hesitantly hugged her back—mostly because I knew if we hugged for too long, I would instantly break down right here in front of her.

And that's the last thing I knew I should do.

"I'll text you," I said, slowly pulling back from her after kissing her cheek goodbye.

Which earned a firm nod from my sister, "As soon as you make it there," she clarified as I walked backward down the sidewalk.

And after nodding in confirmation, I turned around, nearly jogging down my driveway just as the bus pulled up.

Which was something I had never taken in my entire life.

But I needed to suck it up for today and possibly a few more weeks until I get my license.

It really wasn't even that bad, just a little bit of a bumpy ride filled with constant chatter.

And since my best friend wasn't on my bus route, I was forced to sit quietly by myself.

But luckily Soph was by her locker wearing her usual cheer uniform for game day with her silky brown hair down.

And the sight of her alone seemed to soothe the tightness in my chest.

"I am so sorry Meli," Soph said as soon as I approached her.

And before I knew it—her arms were wrapped around me and her familiar strawberry perfume clouded my senses.

"My mom told me everything this morning and I just..." Soph trailed off, hugging me even tighter as she rested her head on my shoulder, "I'm here for you always—whatever you need."

I nodded a few times, clenching my jaw when my vision blurred with tears.

Until I quickly blinked them away—and pulled back from Soph's usual comforting embrace.

"I appreciate that," I said, forcing my voice to remain strong, "Now how bad do you think algebra's going to be today?" I said with a forced smile growing on my lips.

Soph furrowed her brows, her dark eyes analyzing my face for a moment.

And I knew she was confused by my lack of tears considering I would cry over the smallest thing—like forgetting my snack at home or scuffing my shoes.

What happened to my parents last night should have me in constant tears right now.

But it can't.

If I'm normal and consistent it'll ease the pressure on my sister.

"Are you sure you're goo—"

Soph quickly cut herself short when the bell rang over the loud chatter of the packed hallways.

"We can't be late," I told her, gently grabbing her hand as she quickly closed her locker.

And after weaving through the crowd that mostly consisted of people I had known since elementary school—we made it to Mrs. Samson's class for algebra.

Which luckily wasn't too bad, just the normal warm-up sheet to start out and then our review of last night's homework.

The only downside was that we had to take turns going up to the board to answer each question.

But I never struggled with math, so when it was my turn, I didn't mind standing up from my seat beside Soph to write the answer.

"Question fifteen please," Mrs. Samson told me as she handed me the marker.

I nodded, taking the marker from her grasp to answer the specific question that I remembered like the back of my hand.

I had just filled it out after school yesterday so it wasn't hard to remember the equation. 

Plus my baba gave me a tactic to remember—

"Lena?" Mrs. Samson's voice suddenly echoed in my ears.

But my ears felt plugged, my vision was blurred yet again by tears, and suddenly I couldn't catch my breath.

"Lena—"

I flinched when a gentle hand barely grazed my shoulder.

And as soon as I met Ms. Samson's blurry blue eyes, I immediately glanced down to the floor.

I also began walking.

I don't know where I was planning to go but I couldn't be in that classroom, standing in front of an algebra problem I had solved with my baba just yesterday.

Because he was okay yesterday.

They were both okay yesterday.

Ummi had even called me in the car last night to ask if I wanted any ice cream and I rushed off the phone to finish my homework.

"I'm so stupid," I forced out, pacing the bathroom as I desperately tried to keep my tears in.

Because I really don't want to be known as the girl who lost both of her parents just yet.

The news will probably spread fully by the end of the week but I have today.

I need today.

"Meli," I heard Soph's familiar voice from behind me.

Which easily made my wall quickly crumble down beyond repair.

But I can't do this—I can't break down here.

I can't break down ever.

Because once I start, I'm not sure if I'll be able to stop and Morana needs me.

I suddenly turned around to face my best friend, not even thinking my impulsive idea through as I gently grabbed her waist—

And kissed her lips.

Which was something I had contemplated for the past two years.

Yet somehow today it worked perfectly as a distraction, even if it would ruin our friendship as I previously feared.

But maybe distance is better for us anyway.

Maybe I'm better off being alone right now until I can get my annoying emotions under control.

"Meli," Soph said, gently pressing her hands against my stomach.

Which immediately made me pull back, "I know it was too much, I'll just leave—"

"It's not too much," Soph quickly cut me short, gently running her hands past my waist, "I just don't think the timing is right..." she trailed off, staring between my light eyes.

I quickly shook my head, suddenly feeling a warmth burn in my lower stomach.

It was completely unfamiliar, yet I found myself basking in the sudden needy ache.

Which felt so much better than focusing on the heaviness in my chest.

"Can you be here for me?" I whispered, glancing away from her dark eyes to trace her body outlined by the cheer uniform.

Which emphasized her frame so perfectly, nearly clinging to her tanned thighs.

Soph shook her head as soon as I leaned halfway in, "You're not in the right mindset right now—"

"But I've always thought about you like this," I gently cut her short, glancing down to her lips smeared in lip gloss as I waited for her to meet me halfway, "I've always wanted you Soph," I whispered.

Soph briefly glanced down at my lips—until she suddenly shook her head again, "I don't want you to regret this—I don't want to take advantage of you," she admitted.

I raised a brow, "Who said you would be the one taking advantage of me?" I countered, falling deeper into the needy warmth growing around me.

I quite literally couldn't think about anything else except for the softness that I knew would await me between her thighs.

It was something I had never done before, but I knew I would figure it out with her.

"I want to take advantage of you," I whispered, leaning down to press a soft kiss to the edge of her sharpened jawline.

And then even more deep kisses down the side of her neck.

I hummed as soon as she tilted her head back further for my touch—and when she began guiding us toward one of the stalls, I knew I would finally get my way with my best friend.

Which was something I had dreamt of for the past two years.

♤

That evening, I was greeted by the fresh smell of grass, a loud student body section, and the cheerleaders chanting the football players on.

And one of those cheerleaders, I specifically avoided the rest of the day after we had stolen each other's firsts in a bathroom stall.

But it was mostly because I didn't want to discuss what would become of what we just did.

I mean, the last thing I wanted to do was dissect my feelings when that's the exact thing I'm trying to avoid at this current moment.

But avoiding Soph is beginning to grow hard, considering my best friend won't stop staring at me from the sidelines.

But I had my eye on something else.

Specifically, someone else.

She was in the stands of the other team, yet somehow we kept locking eyes.

And I keep feeling that familiar warmth in my lower stomach return.

Which is probably one of the best feelings of my life.

So I did what anyone would do when a cute girl looks at you like that.

I motioned my head away from the stands, holding the random girl's stare as she nodded in confirmation.

And I didn't even have to think it through.

I was out of the student section to meet her by the concession stands in the blink of an eye.

Her name was Eliana and luckily she wanted the exact same thing as me.

So we snuck away to the locker rooms where I lost a different kind of first compared to when Soph used her mouth on me.

Eliana used her fingers and gave me every possible distraction I could ever need.

"We should do this again sometime," Eliana said, briefly kissing the side of my neck as I buttoned my jeans back up.

I forced a smile, "But you're our school rival..." I trailed off jokingly, even if I was being partially serious.

This can only ever be a one-time thing—logically, there's a smaller chance of getting attached that way.

Eliana only slipped her hands under my shirt, "We don't feel like rivals right now," she determined, tilting her head at me.

But the last thing I would be doing is committing to anyone right now.

I mean, why does dating even matter in the long run?

Like you eventually lose that person—if not by breaking up then by a terrible fate that the universe holds in store for you.

I'm officially done with the possibility of a loss or even how uncontrollable it all feels.

I want to be in control... I deserve to be.    

"Meli?" her familiar voice suddenly snapped me from my thoughts.

And almost immediately, I glanced past Eliana to my best friend.

Who looked visibly hurt by the sight of Eliana standing between my legs with me pressed back against the wall.

"Oh I didn't realize you have a girlfrien—"

"I don't," I quickly cut Eliana short.

Yet she still took a respectful step back from me anyway.

"I should go..." Eliana hesitantly trailed off as she backed out of the dim locker room.

And before I could say anything, Soph nodded, "That's a perfect idea," she sarcastically said to Eliana, who quickly walked past her.

And honestly, it felt like Soph just saved me the time of awkwardly shutting down any future possibilities with Eliana.

The only issue is—I would have to do that with my own best friend now.

"You've been avoiding me," Soph suddenly said, walking over to me, "If this is too much—"

"It is too much," I quickly lied, deciding to use that as an excuse to end this entirely.

Even if the last thing I wanted to lose was my best friend.

But at least I have control over the end of it.

"It is?" Soph suddenly whispered, clearly concerned as she stopped in front of me, "Then maybe we could talk about it... maybe we can go back to being friends."

I let out a deep sigh, "I don't want to talk about it," I said, walking past her before the tears had a chance to grow in my eyes.

Because I knew what I planned to say next.

And it physically hurt me.

But it's going to come eventually—I'll lose her regardless of if I end this right now.

It's just how life works. 

"I don't want to be friends anymore," I forced out, keeping my voice as strong as possible, "It's better that way for me."

I heard Soph's footsteps quickly patter behind me, "But we've been friends since elementary school..." she trailed off, her voice so broken over my harsh words, "I know this is about your parents and I'm really trying to be here for you—"

"Can you be here for me by leaving me alone?" I suddenly snapped, walking even faster through the locker room before the regret could settle in.

Because once it does, I know I'll be a crying mess in Soph's arms, unable to fathom why I'm ruining everything good left in my life.

"I love you," Soph quickly said, which somehow halted me dead in place, "Yes, in a romantic way, like how beautiful you are or how your laugh makes me smile—but I also love you in a friend way and I want to be here for you, Lena."

I remained silent for a moment, glancing down to the blurry floor when tears burned in my eyes.

It felt like my heart had been physically ripped out of my chest—leaving me with shallow breaths and the urge to throw up everything I'd eaten.

"Meli," Soph whispered as soon as I took one step forward.

But I never said one word or even addressed her confession to me.

I only walked out of the locker room—leaving her alone with my damage that she now carried with her too.

That night in the stands, I fell in closer with my peers filling the student section, deciding to be more involved in everything.

It was yet another distraction—aside from school and hook-ups, I would have parties and games to attend.

With numerous friends instead of just one.

I let out a deep sigh as I climbed into my bed, wearing fresh pajamas with my wet hair down. 

It was silent throughout the house—I no longer heard Morana's sniffles and cries that she tried to muffle for me.

When she told me she began funeral planning, I found my own ride home from the football game to save her any trouble.

But aside from that, I felt completely useless—like I couldn't truly do anything besides be strong for her.

I briefly closed my eyes, trying to find a way to be tired, but all I could see was Soph's faded face in my head—wondering what she was doing right now.

I also recalled the exact words I said to her, hating how badly I had hurt her tonight. 

Which immediately made me lay up from my bed, pulling open my nightstand drawer to grab my melatonin gummies.

The normal dosage was one, but I took two for extra assurance.

Which was something I never predicted I would be doing every night for the rest of high school.

But at least it blocked Soph out of my head.

And my parents.

I could finally sleep in peace, which was something I hoped my baba and ummi were doing.