Patreon Journal #1: Kujo

Hey guys. As many, if not all of you, might know, my pet hedgehog Kujo passed away on July 14th. It was very sudden. I was crying so hard that I felt like I was going to throw up. It has completely stunted the vast majority of my ability to feel independently creative. For the first time in probably like, the last 6 years, I haven't even thought about drawing Abigail over the span of nearly a week LOL (that's how you know I'm feeling messed up.) A lot of aspects of my life currently are kinda centered around mourning and missing Kujo right now. I think about him for a good portion of the day and any type of art I feel like doing has to be of him. I have not gone a single day yet where I haven't cried for him at least once. Mari gets worried about me sometimes. They cry and tear up over him too, but I am on a whole different level. 

I feel like the moment I went from loving Kujo, to being IN LOVE with Kujo (not in a weird way, I know some of you are jokesters) was when our house flooded. Mari and their mom handled talking to property managers and water removal workers. I was waiting in the car and I had Kujo on my lap inside of his little fabric pouch. It was very hot outside so we made sure he was in the air condition. At one point I was feeling so stressed out from the flood and started crying. Shortly after, I watched Kujo deliberately climb out of his pouch, nudge his way over to me, and he rested his head and paw on me. In the moment, I realized what he was doing. Mari has talked about this for years but not once had I ever been on the receiving end of it until this moment. It was always Mari. He clearly knew I was sad, and he was clearly comforting me. I refuse to believe anything else. It was in that moment I started crying even more. It completely changed the way I perceived Kujo and my love and appreciation blossomed for him. He was more than just a hedgehog. He was our son.

I've been playing a lot of Team Fortress 2 and Far Cry: New Dawn co-op with Mari to keep myself distracted. To try and give my heart time to heal. We also went and visited his breeder that Mari got him from. We got to hold a baby hedgehog and look at a bunch more. Often times, as soon as the distractions stop, my mind immediately races back to Kujo. Which of course it does. Our house is full of hedgehog decor and I have a crazy cool tribute for him in my field of vision whenever I'm looking at my computer monitor. I can just shift my eyes up right now without moving my head, and Kujo is there. I probably should've thought about this before I picked that shelf.. but it's ok. At the same time, his presence brings me a lot of comfort. I am so happy with his tribute. I had a vision and I sought it out. It costed a bit of money. But he deserves nothing less, I feel. 

Ever since I got my keychain with Kujo's ashes in it, I've sat it on my desk at work and whenever I would start getting stressed out or sad, I would lightly pet his keychain with my finger. Sometimes I would boop it, like we would do with his nose. I made myself cry the first time I did it. At work too. :') Is this normal? Am I weird? I guess I don't care. 

Every night, when I go to bed, I think about him and sometimes it sort of feels like I'm suffocating? I have to reposition myself, usually involving lifting my head up higher on the pillow, and take deep breaths. It's like my body is crying on the inside or some shit. Thankfully I usually always fall asleep by a certain time except for maybe the first night of everything happening. Sometimes my mind focuses on things that I didn't do. Things I never got to do with Kujo before he went over the rainbow bridge. Or small mistakes that we may have made in raising him. I genuinely think we did a great job raising him, but there were some things we had to learn along the way. I want to apply that knowledge towards making sure other hedgehogs live even happier, healthier lives. 

Kujo awoke something in me. I used to think wolves or chinchillas were my favorite animal, but I was clearly wrong. Hedgehogs are. As someone who grew up as a kid being a hardcore Sonic fan who had Sonic OCs and basically made Sonic their own life, I feel like that answer was right infront of me the whole time. I definitely think I want to own hedgehogs for the rest of my life. Especially while I have Mari by my side through it all. 

I am realizing that I was very emotionally reliant on this hedgehog and I never realized it. I am getting better. The reality has set in on me and I've fully accepted that Kujo is gone. But Kujo will always be the first. The most impactful. Kujo will always be the hedgehog that made me fall in love with hedgehogs. Mari and I have dreams of opening our own hedgehog sanctuary. A foster home of sorts. With a big Kujo tribute. We've also had ideas of moving to Europe and start a sanctuary for wild hedgehogs, as they are constantly at threat to their population. It fucking sucks.

Anyway uh.... I wanted to post *something* here. No idea if I will commit to making more of these types of posts. It's just I have no exclusive art to share. I haven't been doing much besides putting my time and energy towards work, Kujo-related things, or distracting myself with media. His Stream Avatar. His tribute shelf - which involves his urn, certificate of aquamation, digital photo frame, his two favorite toys the Banana and the Pig, his most recent food bowl. Did you know I have to manually modify every single Kujo picture so that it displays decently on the frame? It's worth it. I also put the flower painting I got from a happy customer there, because it gives me good vibes, and I want Kujo have them. Leave it to Kujo to make me feel extremely fucking spiritual because I long so badly for that ease of mind. To feel like he is still with us. And it genuinely, truly helps.

I still have some things that I want to do. Kujo is getting a touched-up framed photograph and I'm just waiting for it to be complete so we can pick it up. A real one, not digital. Not sure how I will fit it on his shelf, but I'll figure it out. And there's also the Kujo Memorial Stream. Which is going to take some organization to make happen, but I am committed. We are going to use Kujo avatars. We are going to play a Sonic game or two. And we are going to celebrate Kujo's life in video form. And I can't wait. Give me like... 2-3 weeks. 

If you made it to the end, you're a real one and I appreciate you.

I want to say "Will go back to regular Abbyposting eventually." But maybe probably not until after the Kujo stream. Also, I said Kujo 28 times while writing this. Anyway. Have a good one. 

I miss you. I love you lil man. Thank you for everything. Rest in peace. 8/12/2017- 7/14/2022