Day 125 -- Strength in Differences
Added 2018-06-08 12:07:17 +0000 UTC
Comments
Very nice lesson, and beautifully shared <3 I have learned this (for the most part) over my 15 years in a relationship...but I don't know that HE has yet :P His default is to be critical. His default is also depression, so he's not just critical of me, but of himself and of pretty much everything. I feel a lot of frustration in discussing things with him, because he will HEAR the critical. When I'm just saying "I don't think this approach is working, can we try something else," he hears "You're terrible at this, and everything would be better if you just kept out of it in the future." So I have to be very neutral in nearly everything, effusive in my praise, and bide my time until he's in a receptive frame of mind. In the meantime, he is constantly on me about maintaining the house BUT also exercising BUT also taking the time to be with him BUT also getting to bed on time BUT... I have learned to translate, and I know that between the lines are "I need a tidy house for my mental health" and "I'm worried about your health" and "I miss you". But this is a man who can't even say "I love you" in any way other than to try to figure out ways we can spend our money on things for US instead of just for HIM. (And in the meantime, I say "I love you" but am not always that great at SHOWING it in ways which are meaningful for him :P) I'm going to add this to the long list of videos I am hoping to watch with him :P But after all these years, we have learned effective ways to communicate, even if they're not...the most productive or the one which always brings us happiness. We have also changed a LOT as people, and me getting my diagnosis and on medication means another change, and another adjustment. And the one thing I am certain of is that we compliment each other very well, and have strengths the other depends on. (and not just in opening jars, and my husband believes :P)
LadyGrndr(Lacey S)
2018-06-12 19:49:07 +0000 UTCI didn’t mean to say it was the ONLY difference. Just maybe some of the difference.
Jo
2018-06-09 16:31:42 +0000 UTCI've tried to find an AP but feel "needy" asking NT pals, so have hinted around the ADHD groups, had two different gals respond. The first one and I are "FB pals" and kinda check in each day and we're trying to develop a structure, but she has her family and is not "into" anything of your "How To" teachings, so we "chit chat" mostly and it's something but it's weak. The other gal was wide-open wonderful for a day or two--then disappeared for a few weeks (totally disturbing) and hasn't spoken to me since (but I did verify that she didn't die/got to jail. All this online. I do have a sister who will be an AP for an upcoming project, but she has her own issues with other letters attached. Our worlds are quite a bit different, so it will be interesting and I think we're mature enough to make it work. Was going to work with Jeff Copper, but his stuff got so old and dated, it got boring without me having the cash to pay for more interaction. This first person I sent money to is you. I thought this would be a good place to get started and it's not like I've established my income yet, I just have a year set up to do such, with a tiny base salary. From selling acreage.
Wade Patton
2018-06-09 14:56:46 +0000 UTCHi! So, YES, you're a new couple, but you don't (in my opinion) fit into the less experienced category. I've been married 14 years, definitely a lot of experience there... with this particular person. Kinda makes your younger relationship interesting with a lot of pre-existing experience and beginning to see this new thing you have grow, kinda happily shining early morning sun kinda thing, but with foundation and support from your past. Morning!
Pete
2018-06-09 14:43:30 +0000 UTCYeah America could use some couples therapy right now 😂
How to ADHD
2018-06-09 13:30:27 +0000 UTCOof yeah that’s a tough situation. ADHDers tend to mature & find their stride later than NTs, Edward and I didn’t even start dating each other til our 30s at which point he was between jobs & I was waiting tables. (& we were both a bit of a mess ;)) I know the feeling of having trouble getting your stuff together on your own...do you have a therapist or coach or accountability partner of any type?
How to ADHD
2018-06-09 13:27:30 +0000 UTCHmm, I think of course we have differences as humans, but I don’t think that accounts for all of it. Our symptoms are very different in ways that I don’t think can be accounted for by skill differences alone.
How to ADHD
2018-06-09 13:22:48 +0000 UTCAnother person, of any brain type would/could be SUCH the wonderful thing to help me get my stuff together, but the struggle is here SOLO struggling each day to keep myself on task enough to get myself into a presentable enough human being to actually start dating again. I function much better with a partner but no one wants to mess with an "apparent loser" of this age. I find it quite wonderful that you and Edward have each other, and hope that folks learn MUCH from you.
Wade Patton
2018-06-08 16:32:27 +0000 UTCNo, not enough people know that is a thing. Couples and American society as a whole are invalidating each other entirely too much right now. You and Edward recognizing what is happening and developing strategies for handling it is a beautiful and inspiring thing. Thank you very much for sharing!
Lisa Williams
2018-06-08 12:45:54 +0000 UTCPerhaps the difference in our ADHD come from our differences as humans ... we each have different things that interest and motivate us and since interest is a driving force in holding our attention, maybe that accounts for the skills you've developed vs those that Edward has developed.
Jo
2018-06-08 12:36:49 +0000 UTC
