On the year so far- relationships

2017

I gotta say it's been amazing so far!

I've started the year with a new round of therapy. My approach to these sessions are more honest, far more blunt. Where my previous psychological visits have been riddled with feeling dishonest; I would slip into my "everything is fine" persona. This time round I chose to speak to my new therapist about this concern of mine. We're exploring my tendancy to bottle things up to not burden others; I'm learning to share my troubles with certain significant individuals. I'm about four sessions into a ten session program, and while ten sessions seems like far too little for my messed up head, I've already noticed positive changes. 

I've been feeling more secure in streaming and becoming an illustrator; something I've always been anxious about persuing. With the support from my regulars, and the enjoyment of listeners responding to our podcast. I feel like I'm laying the ground-work for a rewarding career. I am finally feeling confident about the future. 

With the start of this new year I've had some internal conflict. I started 2017 as a lesbian, so sure in fact, that I didn't expect the direction my heart led me. 

A brief history on my sexuality:

When I was eighteen, I started accepting that I wasn't straight. I was very much my fathers daughter at that point. He was, and still is, incredibly homophobic. Spending the majority of my formative years under his roof, in a small, backwards country town, when I fell for a girl at the age of sixteen, I fought those feelings away. I wound up hurting her and myself. After not seeing her for a year, I couldn't shake the feelings I had for her. I was confused. I spoke to my friends at the time, admitting that I thought I was bi. They laughed, then interpreted my sexuality at the time as an excuse to not have sex. I became the butt of many jokes, often being referred to as "frigid" or "a prude". 

I started exploring my sexuality for myself, dating guys who showed me any interest. I was forcing myself to feel anything- but I just couldn't. With women it felt easier, more natural. I was around twenty when I begun identifying myself as a lesbian. I felt more free! I had the occasional tryst with women, but when I started taking anti-depressants, I felt a huge dip in my sex drive. 

The occasional hookups had me feeling numb; I couldn't feel sex in the same way. 

When I met my current partner, I had given up on enjoying sex. I was in a major depressive spiral, I felt numb. But when I started talking to a guy I had met gaming online, I felt an immediate attraction. This was a feelling so strong; I had never felt this before. I admitted my attraction to them and they reciprocated the feelings. I was highly conflicted. Lesbians who get into relationships with guys are often immediately shunned. I felt like I didn't fit amongst my peers any more. I spoke to my partner, I spoke to my housemate. As for a title, I identify as queer. 

Having a relationship with a man doesn't suddenly erase my identity. I've always retained fluidity with my sexuality; I'm always going to be attracted to women. But this man is an anomaly. I feel comfortable with him, more comfortable than I've felt with women. 

This is my first relationship. I've never commited myself to someone, but I happily devote myself to my partner. I am so happy. Even if we are half a world apart.