Life Update September 2023

Hello! 

How are you? 

I know, I've been quiet. A couple of you have sent me DMs about it so I thought I would put together a bit of an update that will explain everything. 

I am "transitioning".

That's now what I'm calling it. It's been happening for awhile, and in all honesty, I thought I would have things figured out more by now, but I don't, so I'm putting my hands up and simply saying, I have NO idea. 

Currently, I am slow, quiet, and somewhat hiding? I'm doing a TON of self-assessment and trying to figure out what I want, what makes me happy, and how to get it.

This *could* be because I'm turning 40 next week, but I think it's more of a reaction to OnlyFans and the aftermath of COVID, which was working 24/7 until complete burnout.

I've been here less lately because of the OnlyFans thing, and I apologize. I find it hard to explain, so I tend not to talk about it. I think mainly because OF wasn't that bad. It got me through the pandemic, I was more successful than a lot of people that I know or have spoken with, and for the most part, the people who were there with me were kind and respectful. I didn't hate making the content, but I made A LOT of content, and in the end, everything just wore me down.

The content had to be more specific, more sexual, and less arty. So no matter what, I had to have so many of these shots, so many of those shots, make sure to show this, show that....and that took a lot of freedom and creativity out of it for me. I also got to a point where I very much resented being seen as a sexual being. I think it was harder for me to separate because I'm demisexual.

I just....needed to stop, so I did, but I don't think that it was soon enough. Since I was already in complete burnout. I made myself very sick by overworking, and I'm still healing and trying to find my balance.

For a long time now I haven't wanted to be seen or heard. I haven't wanted to share. I've simply wanted to be quiet, still and try to create a place of peace for myself. I'm very much still coming out of burnout. 

I do still work, but, I work from home. I get up half an hour before I'm supposed to log in. I wear comfies every single day. I don't do my hair, I don't wear make-up, and I don't go into town unless I have to. I do still take walks and sometimes go to the beach, but I'm a bit of a shut in because that's what's comfortable for me currently.

I also, haven't been shooting. I've been trying to find balance within my work, I've been nesting HARD into my apartment since I don't need to consistently change it for shooting. I've put more effort into making it a place I want to be in every day that is comfortable and welcoming. I've been thinking a lot about what actually makes me happy and have been leaning into those things. I started an at home apothecary, and I'm really enjoying researching, trying different recipes, and making different scents. 

Currently....even though I try not to complain, I hate work. I don't think it's necessarily my job, I think it's simply that I need some time. 

Which, next week, I get. I have an entire week off work, and we are going to the cottage. I'm excited. I'm excited to not have my phone, to be away from emails, and to just wake up and do whatever the hell makes me happy that day. I will be swimming in the lake, walking around without shoes, having campfires, reading on the dock, playing board games, and watching the sunset with my favorite person. 

We will also be shooting. Which I'm semi excited for. I don't want to "push" anything, but I'm hoping to be able to step back into it and rediscover my passion.

That's all for now! 

xo

Faye