I wrote this on January 1st 2021

It’s January 1, 2021.

I’ve been having a bit of a tough time recently but not in the same way as the rest of the world. I’m not talking about the global pandemic that’s raging, spending time in lockdown (currently province wide) or the loneliness/depression/anxiety/uncertainty/loss of hope that people are feeling after the year we’ve had.

My tough spot lies within me.
I’m off.

I’m off all over the place, things that are normally easy and viewed as throw away tasks in my mind are taking hours. Last month I had to step away from work completely for 2 weeks. I was emotionally burnt out, I hit a point and I just had nothing left.

This happened after I read a really triggering article about how one of my favourite artists FKA Twigs was suing her ex partner Shia LaBouf re: their abusive relationship. The article I read spoke about multiple abusive scenarios in their past relationship which made me angry. It also spoke to the fact that FKA felt her privilege in life added to her being ABLE to get out. She had her own money and enough of it. Even though the couple lived together she owned her own property in another country. When she left, she easily afforded a plane ticket. This is not the situation that most women are in. Knowing this is the absolute truth made me feel sad and a loss of hope. The article went on to say that she filed the suit without having called the police and reporting most the abuse previously. She had witnesses, and another past partner’s of LaBouf’s who joined the suit as well but no past legal records. This made me feel seen but troubled.

I felt all these things that are linked to an incident in my not so distant past. Something that I thought I had done a lot of healing from. I did an entire year of therapy and then was “fired” by my therapist because I was doing so well and she wanted to make room to help someone else.

But there it all was again, staring me in the face.

I tried to do what I always do - give it limited time and throw myself into work to cope. This wasn’t the best idea this time though because I was working as an online sex worker. I had started an OnlyFans account earlier in the year when I lost my job due to COVID. I had been a self portrait artist who mainly took emotional self portraits for over 15 years. I already saw this as a side hustle as I brought in a little extra income by showcasing my work on an artist website called Patreon. The transition to OnlyFans was very easy for me given that and the fact that I already had a small following.

Throwing myself into work for me meant being faced with sexual and sexually demanding comments and messages from men all day everyday. Even the ones that weren’t inherently sexual were wanting. That’s the nature of the beast - the wanting never stops. There is never enough of you, there are never enough photos, enough videos, enough replies, enough emotional labour or enough of your sexuality to satisfy it. At that moment, I found this both disgusting and overwhelming so I retreated.

I took over a week off and then things went into Christmas. I went through the motions. I smiled, I cooked, I drank, I gave and opened gifts. On boxing day, I cleaned it all but, shoving Christmas back into boxes and I felt nothing at all.

Back to everything I had been feeling before. The nothingness. I did the only thing I could and sat in it.

I had enough. I threw myself into my world, my job only to retreated again almost instantly.

I tried to write about everything I was feeling - the nothingness….

Until I gave up. I waved the white flag last night and accepted that my to do list wasn’t getting done and that I was going to enter the New Year filled with uncertainty and not knowing what step to take next.

I turned off the lights, I brushed my teeth and I tucked myself into bed with my headphones on. I was being talked to sleep by Matthew McCaunghey as he read is book Green Lights.

One of the last things I heard before putting my phone onto the charger was this:

It’s not about if we win or lose.

It’s about accepting the challenge.

That, was something I thought. Unlike a lot of the book that hit me. Half sleep I tweeted “It’s not about if we win or lose. It’s about accepting the challenge. Let’s go 2021!” and tried to drift off to sleep.

Sleep was hard to find. I rolled around - this side, that side. My body and mind were troubled. I woke up at my regular 8:30am, went to the bathroom but felt terrible. Knowing I didn’t have anything to do today I climbed back into bed and went back to sleep. I awoke again at 11am and I knew.

I laid in my bed, reading the couple of Happy New Year texts my friends sent. Scrolling through New Year messages and posts on Instagram. Watching my peers seemingly know where they had been this past year, where they ended up and looking forward to everything ahead as if they had a plan. All I knew was that I didn’t have that.

I hadn’t been posting. Yesterday I spend hours trying to make posts exactly like this but I couldn’t, the nothingness in my way.

And within the stillness, just like Glennon says, it hit me. Write. Start the blog.

I’m not sure how to explain this idea other than this which I don’t think does it justice:

3 years ago, I was friends with someone who told me that I should be a coach. At the time I didn’t really know what he was talking about REALLY. I had heard the term life coach thrown around but I didn’t really know who these people were, how they actually became coaches or what they actually coached. He explained it all to me being someone who invested in multiple of them to help him in both his life and in business. I took it in but honestly, didn’t think much of it.

I ended up working with him and simply through knowing him and the media he took in, seeing his business coach in the office and being put through a productivity workshop by one of his favourite coaches I got pretty familiar. However, I wasn’t sold on it being for me. I mean, I wasn’t an expert in anything.

A year later I was back in Canada still working with his company in a couple ways when the pandemic hit and I was let go. I quickly pivoted, looked at what I had and what I could use to make money. What I had was content and social media management training - so I threw myself into OnlyFans quickly and went to work growing it in hopes to make enough to pay my bills until the world sorted itself out.

In doing so, I was doing research on digital marketing - strategies to grow audiences online etc and found my way to Vanessa Las’s YouTube page. I liked her. I watched a ton of her videos over a couple months and got the bright idea that I could also become a coach but I could teach people how to build a successful OnlyFans account from content, to business strategy, to growing audiences online. I decided to jump into Vanessa Lau’s online coaching program even though I didn’t have the money for it and jumped in.

One of the first videos I watched was about choosing a niche. Something that you were going to coach on. I wrote mine down on my notes but under it and a little to the right I wrote “happiness”. I was talking to a couple people about what I was doing, what I was learning and what my plan was. To teach other models how to do this successfully and earn enough money to pay their bills with it. I chose to move forward with my first idea because I could see the steps to doing that laid out in front of me. I just had to do the work - easy.

But “Happiness” never left me.

Probably because over the last two years, since my attack I had been on a happiness mission of sorts. I knew I needed therapy after being raped so I got it. But during my first session with Sarah I stressed that I had been to therapy before but because I’m high functioning most therapists feels they can’t help me and send me on my way. I wasn’t sure if it was because of how I spoke or because I didn’t cry all over the place every session but I had been dismissed in the past and I wanted her to know above all else that I needed and wanted help.

I remember over the first two months that I was with Sarah she said some key things to me. She would make a point to tell me how self aware I was. How good I was doing navigating and dealing with the traumas that I had gone through in my life and to give myself credit for that. She was baffled by the fact that I didn’t see that. Each time I responded with something like…

“I don’t know? But how would I? I don’t know what other people say when they come to therapy.”

“I guess I don’t realize it because I don’t have anything or anyone to compare to. I wasn’t given any type of measurement system so I have no idea how well or not well I’m doing on the grand scheme of mental health.”

But one thing that she got from the beginning was that I needed and wanted MORE. She got it because she could see a bit of herself in me. So while we worked on things she often threw in other “bigger picture” things. We had conversation about hope, faith, self, how everything in the universe is connected. She gave me books to buy that she thought I’d be interested in and by the time I was “fired” I was on my way to being the happiest I had ever been.

She gave me a new perspective. One that changed my life.

I have always wanted to share that. I want to talk about that and things related to it every day of my life with like minded people. I want deep discussions and to be surrounded by people who are always striving to be better, enjoy more, be grateful and live now. And I want to teach others the things that I’ve learned that have made me better, made life easier and shown me happiness.

Because I’ve known that the new year was looming for awhile I’ve been kicking around the thought of starting a happiness blog or youtube channel or both. But I don’t quite know how to do it which has been holding me back. I don’t know what the next step is but, like so many other things I think I just needed to do it.

When I woke up this morning I knew that was my next step. I wrote this, which is my first step in doing it.

I sincerely hope it becomes something.

First Day.

New Year.

Challenge accepted.