Not Today Faye

Today hasn’t been my day. A lot of days lately haven’t been my day and even if I am accomplishing some things I’m not being as successful as I’d like big picture and this really bothers me. 

I feel useless. I feel unsuccessful. I feel unaccomplished. I feel lost. I feel like I’m not doing enough. What I am doing isn’t right. I feel like I have NO IDEA what I’m doing and that makes it hard for me to make decisions and push forward. 

All of those things feel terrible.

I made the decision to try to do Patreon/OnlyFans full time since I lost my day job during Covid a couple weeks ago. I’m just out of my second month on OnlyFans and I’ve done really well with growth thus far however, I’ll need more monthly income in the future to make it sustainable.

This incites a ton of fear. I doubt that I’m hot enough (compared to all these “video vixen” looking “baddies” who make REAL MONEY on OF), I get insecure about not doing full porn because I think that’s what most people ultimately want, and I get really frustrated because I’m constantly at odds with myself regarding content. I look at people like Corwin Prescott who ONLY posts AMAZING photographs. And while I’m not saying that I’m on his level (I doubt I ever will be), I can make some pretty nice things. Right now though, I feel like I’m caught with the pressure to post daily on OF I don’t have time to make things of that caliber consistently. I look back and I HATE so much of what I posted even though my followers like it. They like that things aren’t as professional and polished there, that I post a ton of cell phone selfies and videos because it feels like the things that a real life girlfriend would send to them. I get it! I’m just not super comfortable with it. 

And then there’s the other side of all of this - the business side. 

It’s no secret that the bigger your social media following is the more fans and income you have. In regards to Social Media I feel so BEHIND. I feel as though I use it but I don’t understand how to fully utilize it to my benefit re: business and everything I do know about how to make it work for me involves investing money. Money which right now I don’t have because I’m barely making it. 

I think that I “hit” something in the old days of Tumblr. I feel like that was when I was doing well or taking off and when I should have doubled down and tried to maximize exposure and turn whatever I had into something bigger I walked away. I’ve always had day jobs and I’ve deleted multiple platforms with tons of followers (tons so me) in order to keep jobs that I lost eventually anyways. 

The guy I’m seeing was like - if you know and talk to these girls….Tess Holliday, Gabi Fresh etc why aren’t you as big as them. You obviously have that potential so what are they doing that you’re not? 

**This isn’t ENTIRELY TRUE. Both of the examples I gave at some point were on TV series in the US which gave them a TON of viewers/followers and both quit whatever else they were doing to be influencers. At this point they both have entire teams behind them. Not just to make them look good, but to do their marketing, to be their managers which get them gigs and press etc.** 

What I’m saying is, I’m fearful that I missed that “moment” when I should have thrown myself into this stuff. The internet, our social platforms and a ton of other things have changed since then. Now we have to deal with algorithms. Now Facebook owns SO MUCH SHIT IT’S INSANE and you have to pay them to be big and gain views etc. The days of “organic growth” are over. You have to pay to play now. 

It’s hard to feel that you can be successful in this without having the money to buy your way to the top. Because it is all for sale. You have to buy views. Buy audiences. Buy attention. 

And as much as I know about digital marketing etc….I still feel like for one small town girls all this shit is impossible.