Dev Journal: Fixing the Real Problem

So, my previous, public dev journal was pretty positive and painted a hopeful picture for the near future. I hoped to have a basic set of mix-and-match animation pieces done and working in the game pretty soon so I could turn around a nice, quick update for a change in between the big, chonky updates focusing on the Interp-Theory Mind. That was the idea.

Then... Life struck. Again. And you know what? I was getting really sick of it.

I feel like I've had to make a lot of journals talking about slowdowns because of this crisis or that crisis. It feels like the last year or two, I spend more time dealing with or recovering from some catastrophe or other than just leading a "normal" life. Time after time, I make myself acutely aware of how dependent I am on my emotional state to get my work done. There are precious few tasks I can get done when I'm not above a certain threshold for "giving it my all," not to a level of quality I'm satisifed with putting in front of others.

So I've finally decided to do something about it. I can't stop crises from happening-- they take countless forms beyond prediction or prevention, but I can do something about the effect they have on me. Things had been going better for me for a while, so though I'd dropped them several years ago, I've gotten back on antidepressants. I've also started seeing a therapist, and I'm doing a lot of work on how to better handle my emotions. While I'm at it, I'm trying to address some of my health issues I've left unattended for too long, and I'm hoping that'll help me feel better in the long run too.

I'm attacking it on a lot of fronts, because it is the real problem. I'd kinda hoped I could make do without, but to tell the truth, it's probably long overdue. I literally might have gotten into therapy about a year sooner, but I couldn't find the motivation to overcome my anxiety at the prospect. So I think it's safe to say I've been pretty well into the depression zone.

But I'm making a big move to get on a better path, and I'm hoping things will start picking up in a lot of respects soon. I had a period where work slowed to a crawl, and it's picking up again gradually. The most recent crisis was... pretty bad, a big, ugly mess with family that I lost a lot of sleep over, but it's mostly eased now.

It's always the most maddening thing that this has to be such a struggle when I work a job that is, itself, enjoyable. I've been thinking a lot about the things that bring me happiness in life, and my work is one of the big ones. It's just that I need to get above a certain point to really get started, so it can take off from there. If nothing else, I know antidepressants have helped keep me from lower lows in the past, so it should make it easier to get up to that point on a regular basis just with that, I think. But yeah, I'm not counting on just that. I intend to be thorough. I'm tired of feeling like I might not deserve your support. I'm tired of slow progress. I want to be so much further into this project than I am, and I have so much more I want to work on.

I should have another batch of previews ready next week. At this point, the tricky part will probably be deciding how much little extra stuff to jam into this update to make it feel "worth the wait." It can be a vicious cycle, but I'd been intending to add a little more than just animations with this one anyway, and it definitely needs them now.

I'm sorry I didn't have better news for you today. But I guess in a way, this was probably the best news I could possibly produce. Fingers crossed, things will be getting better from here. Even if life comes swinging at me again, I'll be better prepared to keep moving. I really appreciate your sticking it out with me.