May Interview: Glitch Parker

A spotlight shines on Glitch Parker, who wears an immaculately tailored formal suit . . . in a tropical print of neon blue, green, and yellow. They wave enthusiastically at the audience, then take a running leap onto the nearby chair, landing bridal-style with their legs thrown own the arm rest.

Glitch taps the microphone attached to their lapel.

Glitch: ‘It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base—'

Sally stomps out onto the stage.

Sally: For the last time, Parker, this is an interview. You are not performing a theatrical reenactment of The Empire Strikes Back.

Glitch: ‘There is a great disturbance in the force.’

Sally: I mean it, Glitch!

Glitch: ‘So certain, are you? Always with you, it cannot be done.’

Sally: Glitch, please. This show is important to me.

Glitch takes in Sally’s beseeching expression and her puppy-dog eyes. They sigh, defeated.

Glitch: Fine. But when you said that Nick was on vacation in Cabo, I thought you wanted me to fill in as the host.

Sally: You’re our interviewee of the month.

Glitch: Who’s interviewing me then?

Sally, grimly: The only person you’d take seriously.

As she returns to behind the curtain, her voice drifts through to the stage.

Sally: Kim, you’re up.

Glitch’s legs quickly whip off the armrest into almost-but-not-quite proper seating position.

“Rosy” Kim strides onto the stage and takes the seat across from Glitch.

Glitch, shouting out to Sally: I’d have listened to Kenzie!

Sally, shouting back: No, you wouldn’t!

Kim: If you’re finished whining, Parker, I’d appreciate getting this over with as quickly as possible.

Glitch: Rosy! I’m offended. I thought you enjoyed my company.

Kim’s dead-eyed stare is all the response that Glitch receives, but it speaks volumes.

Glitch: Alright, then. Time for Q&A. Chop, chop, Rosy, time’s a-wasting.

Kim heaves a long-suffering sigh.

Kim: We’ll start with questions regarding your literary pursuits.

Glitch: Figures that you’d lead with books.

Kim: Do you believe that Shakespeare wrote all his own plays?

Glitch: Yes.

Kim: Truly? But Edward de Vere—

Glitch: Yes. In fact, I think the reason that people doubt that Will wrote everything is elitism.

Kim: There’s no documented evidence that Shakespeare wrote—

Glitch: Yeah, you disagree, I know. We’ve had this debate. But ever since the question was first raised in, what, the 1800’s? I think it was the 1800’s. Ever since the question was first raised, the main argument has been that Will wasn’t educated enough and didn’t travel enough to have this great insight into the human condition. Basically, that he was too middle-class to write these extremely intelligent works.

Kim: That’s a gross oversimplification. ‘Shakespeare’s’ works were politically provocative; it makes sense for—

Glitch: Snob.

Kim: I’m only stating that it’s unlikely that the knowledge displayed within Shakespeare’s collected works was possessed by the son of a glovemaker from Stratford-upon-Avon.

Glitch: Snob.

Kim: You’re being childish.

Glitch, singing: Snobby-snob. Snobbity-snobbish snob.

Kim, in resignation: Do you agree with Tolstoy that Shakespeare (if really the author) was a poor writer?

Glitch: I agree with Chekov, who thought Tolstoy was intimidated by Shakespeare’s genius.

Kim: An interesting take.

Kim frowns slightly. Kim isn’t carrying notecards, having memorized the questions, but they seem to just now be realizing something.

Kim: There’s quite a few questions about Shakespeare. Almost as if the audience thinks you’re an expert.

Glitch: We should invite them to join our book club!

Kim: There is no book club. Between the two, do you prefer Molière or Shakespeare?

Glitch: Shakespeare, but that may just be because I don’t speak French. Poetry is never going to be as good translated as it is in its original language. Also, what do you call our lunches with Kenzie if not book club meetings?

Kim: NPO Assessment Sessions . . . where literature is occasionally discussed. Are there any contemporary poets whom you enjoy?

Glitch: Hmmm. I’m not sure whether she still counts as ‘contemporary’ but lately I’ve been reading Gwendolyn Brooks. She was from Chicago, and I feel like she’s kind of been my guide to the city’s history since I moved here for Aeon.

Kim: As poetry is one of your passions, which sonnet do you feel best describes you?

Glitch: Sonnets 64 and 65, which were definitely written by one William Shakespeare.

Kim: That’s two.

Glitch: I’m a complex creature. But those sonnets were meant as to be read together.

Kim: And are those sonnets your favorite poem?

Glitch: No. My favorite poem changes on a daily basis with my mood. It’s currently Frozen Dream by Shel Silverstein.

Kim: You write poetry as well. What inspires you?

Glitch: People. Birds. The stars. Car commercials. Anything and everything and sometimes nothing.

Kim rolls their eyes, having no use for poetic vagueness.

Kim: Have you ever considered becoming a professional poet?

Glitch: Nope! I already get paid to do something I love. Poetry is my retreat from work, not work itself. Speaking of getting paid, is there ever going to be a bonus for being in the NPO Program?

Kim: No. However, the NPO Program is our next topic.

Glitch: You learned about this interview, what, yesterday? Yet you already planned it all out.

Kim: I’m organized.

Glitch lets loose a dismissive ‘pffffbbbbt’ that cannot be accurately conveyed via written transcript.

Kim: What made you decide to apply for Aeon?

Glitch: Okay, that’s actually a funny story. I did it on a dare from my cousin Jayla.

Kim: I see. Next question . . .

Glitch, interrupting: I mentioned being interested in working for Unity to Jayla at one of our family shindigs, and she pointed out that life was too short not to at least try. Then she said that she’d let me drive her car if I took the acceptance test, and she drives this sweet little . . .

Kim: Limit yourself to the pertinent points.

Glitch: . . . sweet little Mazda 3X, and I needed wheels when I was down visiting my mom. So, I signed up to take the ASE.

Kim: How did you feel about being invited into the NPO Program?

Glitch: Honestly, if I’d been accepted the “normal” way, I don’t know whether I would’ve even agreed to join Aeon. I’ve always had problems with how MIVs seemed do most the work yet got none of the credit.

Kim: Your psych eval indicated as much.

Glitch: Sheesh, Rosy, could you get anymore Big Brother? Anyway, the NPO Program was a chance for me to work with another Lo-Po to prove that being a Ment isn’t synonymous with being effective.

Kim: Slightly tangential, but it is a common audience question. Just to confirm, you’re not a Ment.

Glitch: Of course not.

Kim: Now, in regards to—

Glitch: Although, if I were a Ment, I’d probably claim to not be one during this interview. I mean, if I’m hiding my “real” Pollard Score then it’s probably for good reason.

Kim: Moving on—

Glitch: I’m not, however. Hiding my real Pollard Score. Or lying about not being a Ment.

Glitch gives the camera an over-exaggerated wink.

Kim, with a glare that dares Glitch to interrupt again: How did you first feel about Zarneki as your partner?

Glitch: Kenzie is the best. It took a while to crack ‘em, but I managed.

Kim: When did the two of you become friends?

Glitch: Look, I’m not naïve. I know that Kenzie was chosen for the NPO Program because of Mayor Z’s political clout, and that I was chosen because my personality test indicated that I’d be a good match.

Kim: Along with your expressed ideals and talent for invention.

Glitch: Rosy, was that a compliment? Compliment adjacent? I’d hug you if I weren’t certain that you’d immediately choke me in a sleeper hold.

Kim: Good call.

Glitch: My point is that Kenzie and I had complimentary personalities and similar beliefs from day one. It would’ve been more shocking if we hadn’t become friends.

Kim: What was your first impression of Zarneki?

Glitch: That they were good starting material. Nox is athletic, intelligent, and determined as hell to prove themself. I knew that together we’d be the best team at Aeon, Pollard Scores be damned.

Kim: As I recall, you weren’t thrilled by my supervision of the program.

Glitch: Rosy, no one is ever thrilled by your supervision—just ask Nick Wiseman. You’re an unpleasant hard-ass.

Kim smirks, looking oddly proud of the insult.

Glitch: After a couple of weeks, I realized that you were part of the NPO Program for a reason. You believe in the cause as much as Kenzie and I do.

Kim: It’s not a “cause.” It’s a more efficient way . . .

Glitch: “. . . to optimize Unity’s teams by expanding the perimeters by which AMOs are qualified.” Yeah, yeah, I know the spiel.

Kim: It’s not a “spiel.”

Glitch: Don’t worry. It’s a good spiel.

Kim: Do you ever feel like it’s taxing to have a job where you’re required to keep so many secrets? Potentially even from people you care about?

Glitch: Not really. Truth isn’t something that people automatically deserve, especially if withholding it is necessary to protect others. Also, it can be kinda fun to dance around topics like Kenzie’s “empathy” while also trying not lie outright.

Kim, arching a brow: You object to lying? I admit to finding that a surprise.

Glitch: Oh, I don’t object to lying one bit. I just think it’s more fun to keep things truth-adjacent. Plus, plausible deniability and all that.

Kim: You left halfway through your college engineering program to join the NPO Program. What type of engineering were you studying?

Glitch: This is one of the reasons that I left, actually. I started in Computer Engineering, but then wanted to switch to Biochemical. Then I found out about this Mechatronic Engineering program, and . . .

Kim: You were a dabbler.

Glitch: A jack of all trades. Master of all trades as well, because, yes, I am that good. But my school wasn’t keen on letting me graduate with five different undergrad degrees for the price of one.

Kim: Are there any engineering projects of which you’re particularly proud?

Glitch: My very first creation is probably the one which I’m most proud . . . although it was also my greatest disaster.

Kim glances at their wristwatch, obviously eager to escape yet cognizant of their duty to remain until the interview’s end.

Kim, reluctantly: That sounds like a story.

Glitch: I was terrified of lightening storms as a kid. My window at night would light up, illuminating shadows throughout my bedroom that I was convinced were monsters. There’d be this ominous crack of thunder—the monster’s roar—and by the end of the night, I was cowering so much that it took a carjack to extract me from my blankets come morning.

Kim: You came up with a solution?

Glitch: I did. I was nine years old, when I realized that the shadows only happened because my bedroom was dark at night. If the room was lit, then the “monsters” couldn’t get me. A nightlight wasn’t bright enough, so I rigged up a pretty simple switch that measured electrical charge in the air. When it sensed a nearby lightning strike about to occur, it turned on the lights in my bedroom, even if I was asleep. Add in a pair of earplugs, and my nighttime monsters were defeated.

Kim: You also claimed this was your greatest invention disaster. Why?

Glitch: Turns out, constantly flicking lights on and off during a thunderstorm can cause the breaker to go. I ended up grounded for a week for unsafely messing up our house’s wiring, and then enrolled in science camp that summer.

Kim: Then your intertest in hacking and technology has been a lifelong affair.

Glitch: I always wanted to know how and why things worked, especially technology. My mom hadn’t a clue about anything even math-adjacent, so it was on me to take things apart and figure it out.

Kim: Couldn’t you have just researched your questions online?

Glitch: Taking things apart was more fun. Oh! I thought of another invention disaster.

Kim, wincing: Let me guess. Your smart fingertips?

Glitch: In my defense, the idea itself was genius. Microscopic implants embedded beneath the nail beds, capable of transmitting information via the smallest of finger wiggles. AMOs wouldn’t have needed telepaths to communicate on missions—their hands would do the talking. I got the idea from how Lo-Po Military Units coordinate in field.

Kim: Zarneki almost lost a hand!

Glitch, shrugging: I mean, it’s experimental tech. We removed the implants before they did any permanent nerve damage. But I’m telling you: technology, not telepathy, is the way of the future.

Kim: Unless that technology puts an end to the idea of Unity having Lo-Po Agents before you two damn idiots even graduate the NPO Program.

Glitch: You swear because you care.

Kim, with a frigid smile that almost causes the camera lens to ice over: Our last batch of questions are randomly selected.

Glitch: Ooh, you mean they don’t all follow a theme? That must kill you.

Kim: Have you had a lot of relationships?

Kim’s eyelids close, and movement beneath indicate their eyes are being rolled. Asking this type of question is not what they signed up for when they agreed to be hired by Unity.

Glitch: Here and there. Most my loves have been quick-burning and ultimately uninteresting. A lot of people get boring after a week or so. It’s not their fault, it just takes a special sort of someone to keep me interested.

Kim: You admit to being a philanderer?

Glitch: I resent that! I’d never lead on anyone to think that I was serious about them unless I genuinely was serious. But when you finally meet the right person . . .

Glitch’s expression takes on a dreamy cast, and they shrug helplessly.

Glitch: I’m a firm believer of the idiom “when you know, you know.” Life’s too short to dawdle when it comes to love.

Kim: An idealistic and irrational viewpoint, although it’s true that inaction serves no one. One final question: what’s the hardest life lesson that you’ve had to learn thus far?

Glitch: Life isn’t fair. Although, I feel like part of me has always known that—or at least, I’ve known it since my dad died. Some people get upset about being dealt a raw hand, which I get.

Kim: I’m hearing a ‘but.’

Glitch: But I’d rather change things than complain about them. Words have the power to change our perspective on life: it’s why I love poetry. But innovation and technology . . . they can change the very cards we’ve been dealt. And that’s why I’m an MIV instead of a poet.