Character Interview: Kent

A spotlight shines once again on Nicholas Wiseman, wearing the same sequined gold vest and a top hat cocked at an even jauntier angle. He sits in one of two cushioned chairs on an otherwise empty stage. A microphone is clutched in his hand.

Nick: Hello, hello! Welcome to the second Unity Spotlight. I’m your host, Nicholas Wiseman.

He winks while waiting for the sound of cheering to dissipate. The cheering is obviously a recording from a baseball game, given that the strains of “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” can be heard in its static.

Nick: Today’s interview is with Kent Zarneki, NPO enrollee and only child of Chicago’s own mayor! Can we get a round of applause for Kent?

The same recorded cheer plays again. Kent, however, does not emerge from behind the stage’s curtain.

Nick, clearing his throat: I said, can we get a round of applause for Kent?

The recorded cheer plays again. Kent still doesn’t appear.

Nick stalks off stage with a furrowed brow. Voices can be heard from behind the curtain: Nick’s and Kent’s.

Nick, hissing: That was your cue!

Kent: I never agreed to this interview.

Nick: You were voted in by the readers.

Kent: A vote which I didn’t participate in.

Nick: You’re making me look bad!

Kent: So? I don’t know you.

Nick doesn’t respond, at a loss for words.

Glitch: What if I asked the questions?

Kent: . . .

Glitch: I won’t make you answer any you don’t want to answer.

Kent: . . .

Glitch: Come on. You know me. You love me!

Kent: . . . Ferro. Don’t.

Glitch, blithely: Kent agrees! Nick, I’ll be taking those notecards from you.

Nick lets out a gargle of protest.

Sally: Let go of the question cards, Nicholas. Glitch is taking over.

Nick: But that’s my job!

Sally: Not anymore. Both of you, go!

Kent and Glitch skid out onto the stage, having been pushed by a tiny yet mighty stage manager.

Glitch grins broadly and plops onto one of the chairs. Kent does the same, although with more grace and without the smile.

Glitch: Welcome to my interview with Kent Zarneki! I’m sure you all are eager to hear from my AMO, so let’s begin with the questions!

Kent sighs, resigned.

Glitch: Let’s start out with a few noninvasive easy-hitters. Ellie wants to know how the dogs are doing.

Kent’s sour expression softens slightly, although it’s still obvious that Kent is in no way pleased to be here.

Kent: Annie and Cass are good. Cass has learned to roll over on command.

Glitch: Will wonders never cease! I think that was a full two sentences that Ellie pulled out. A-shifty-looking-cow wonders if Annie and Cass have any favorite places to go on walks.

Kent snorts.

Kent: That’s their username?

Glitch: It is indeed.

Kent snorts again.

Kent: Annie and Cass like the lakefront in the early morning. Having too many people around stresses Cass, although Annie is pretty friendly with strangers. There’s also a husky in our neighborhood, Frost, that they like to play Chuck-it with.

Glitch, gasping theatrically: Three whole sentences! Can we get four next time? Let’s shoot for four. Kent, let’s talk about when you first met Button. Kitkat asks: what compelled you to answer the door wearing nothing but a towel?

Kent: I was just out of the shower.

Glitch, turning to the audience: I swear that Kent isn’t being deliberately obtuse, y’all. This is answer enough for him. Now, Meggers says that the towel was understandable, but why bring the toothbrush with you?

Kent: I wasn’t finished brushing my teeth.

Kent crosses his arms, frustrated with everyone’s obsession over his personal hygiene. Glitch chuckles.

Glitch: And there you have it. Let’s try for a few more easy questions before we send Kent fleeing to the exit. Jeremiah wants to know your opinion on cats.

Kent: Cats are good.

Glitch: A veritable font of eloquence, my best friend! Glen asks, what’s your favorite animal?

Kent: Annie and Cass.

Glitch: That’s not what the question was asking. It even says “not counting your dogs.”

Kent: Annie and Cass are my final answer.

Glitch: I’m not going to try to budge you, because I know you cannot be budged. Morphine is curious if there’s any animals that you dislike or are afraid of?

Kent: No.

Glitch: Seriously? Not even spiders?

Kent: Spiders are useful.

Glitch, shuddering: Let’s move on. Shallandavar asks: if you were only to read one book for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Kent: . . .

Glitch leans back and begins whistling impatiently.

Kent: I’m thinking. Does this include all published translations of said book?

Glitch: Just pick a book, Kent.

Kent: No.

Glitch: You have to answer the questions. Pick a dang book. Or anthology.

Kent: No. It’s an unnecessary theoretical.

Glitch: By which you mean that you can’t decide. Do you have a favorite book, then?

Kent: No.

Glitch: Yes, you do. It’s the Odyssey.

Kent: But I only like—

Glitch, rolling eyes: Lattimore’s translation. Yeah, I know.

Kent: Fagles is okay.

Glitch, rolling eyes even harder: I’ve heard. Multiple times. Speaking of your interest in the Odyssey, mothermayhem wants to know your take on the Homeric Question. So, who is Homer? Is the Iliad written by the same person?

Kent: I’m not a classicist.

Glitch: You may as well be, given the amount of moldy texts that you read. You’ve read Cato and yet have never even picked up Tolkien. It’s a travesty, Kent. A travesty.

Kent: Homer is the name ascribed to the people who bothered to write down oral traditions. He likely wasn’t a real person.

Glitch, sarcastically: Thank you for that insightful glance into your personality. You really know how to answer questions in a fun way, don’t you?

Kent: No.

Glitch: It was a rhetorical question. This one’s not, though: Songbird wonders if there’s a certain period of history that you gravitate to.

Kent: Fall of the Roman Republic.

Glitch: So basically, the decades preceding Julius Caesar being stabbed by his bestie.

Glitch clasps a hand over their heart and sighs dramatically.

Glitch, gasping as if near death: “Et tu . . . Brute?”

Kent: That’s Shakespeare. Not historical record.

Glitch: Shakespeare makes history better. I will fight you on this.

Kent sighs. This is an argument the two have had many times, and it always ends in a temporary cease-fire.

Glitch: But now isn’t the time for battle. It’s time for more questions! Cinnerman asks, do you have a favorite museum to visit on museum dates?

Kent: The Field Museum.

Glitch: That’s a natural history museum.

Kent doesn’t reply, although he longingly glances towards the exit.

Glitch, prodding: And it’s your favorite because . . .

Kent: It just is.

Glitch gives Kent a deadpan look that says “you can do better than that.” Kent rubs the bridge of his nose as if fending off a migraine.

Kent: My mom used to take me there on weekends when I was a kid. To visit Sue.

Glitch: The T-Rex?

Kent nods and averts his gaze.

Kent: Every single weekend. Before she died.

Glitch: Well, I guess that answers Rachel’s question about what your favorite memory with your mom was.

Again, Kent nods quietly. Glitch clears their throat, trying to maintain a professional façade when it’s clear that they want to comfort their friend. Unable to resist, Glitch gives Kent’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

Glitch: Brit wants to know what your favorite Greek myth is.

Despite Glitch’s attempt to change the subject back to something that Kent is more comfortable discussing, a flicker of pain crosses Kent’s features.

Kent: Orpheus.

Glitch: . . . Wish fulfillment?

Kent nods.

Glitch: I get that. I like to think that we’d be smart enough not to turn around, though.

Neither speak for a moment.

Glitch: Why the interest in Greek myths anyway? Aidan is curious.

Kent, shrugging: I grew up with them.

Glitch: Also, you’re a morbid bastard who likes the idea of humans taking on the gods.

Kent: True.

Glitch: Mura and N. are both curious about your musician side. What instruments do you play?

Kent: Piano. Not well.

Glitch: And would you ever be comfortable letting Button hear you sing?

Kent: . . . Possibly.

Glitch recoils, feigning wounded shock.

Glitch: This, after refusing to talk for me an entire day after I heard him singing to Antigone and Cassandra.

Kent: Button is different.

Glitch, grumbling: Whatever. WorldofPyre wants to know if you can dance.

Kent: Yes.

Glitch waits for Kent to elaborate. Kent doesn’t. Glitch sighs.

Glitch: New topic it is, then. Date night! Megan asks: cook in or dine out?

Kent: Order takeout. Cooking can be tedious.

Glitch: Only if you don’t have someone to cook with! Speaking of romance—

Kent: When did we start speaking of romance?

Glitch: Speaking of romance, what are your thoughts on visiting a tropical area with a friend? M! suggests Bali.

Kent: Why Bali?

Glitch: Why not?

Kent: Uncrowded beaches are better. And only if the dogs can come.

Glitch: So you’d want Annie and Cass to attend a Bali wedding that bree claims is most definitely happening?

Kent: Wedding?

Glitch: That’s what Bree claims.

Kent: Who’s getting married?

Glitch: Dunno.

Offstage, Nick and Sally can be heard laughing uproariously at their confusion.

Glitch: Alright, we still have a lot of questions left. Most make more sense than that last one, thankfully! Fish wants to know: Did you feel guilty that Button was angry at you for ‘being a Ment’?

Kent: I’m not a Ment.

Glitch: Well, yeah, they know that now. But they didn’t. So, any guilt?

Kent: Why would I feel guilty?

Glitch: Because Button was upset.

Kent: I’m not responsible for their emotions.

Glitch: True, if insensitively worded. But it’s not like you’re to blame. Button didn’t tell you about their Zero either.

Kent: Exactly.

Glitch: Although you could’ve been more transparent.

Kent: And gotten us both expelled?

Glitch: Point. Bi-stander wonders if it’s been difficult to deceive you Ment classmates and coworkers.

Kent: No. People blindly believe things once it’s in print.

Glitch: And ain’t that the truth. Has anyone come close to discovering your ruse?

Kent: No. Again, people see what they expect to see.

Glitch: Indifilm asks which was more embarrassing: admitting to Button that you’re not a Ment, or being sprayed in the eyes with hot sauce.

Kent: Why would either be embarrassing?

Glitch: It’s true, folks. Kent is 90% embarrass-proof. Trust me, I’ve tried.

Kent: Repetitively. Obnoxiously.

Glitch: Frequently enough to know that it’s not easy to make you blush. Kae wonders if you’d be okay with a significant other who cheers you on while you work out.

Kent: That sounds distracting.

Glitch: So, no?

Kent: They can stay with me. But I prefer to listen to music when working out.

Glitch: Stephanie Beth is curious about what type of music you listen to when you need cheering up.

Kent mutters something inaudible.

Glitch: Elvis. It’s Elvis. And he sings along when he thinks no one is listening.

Kent scowls at Glitch.

Glitch, grinning unrepentantly: FlamingFlyingV wants to know what drew you towards the Mustang? Did you restore it?

Kent: That’s two questions.

Glitch: Thanks, I can count.

Kent: Answer to the first one is “it’s personal.” Answer to the second one is “yes.”

Glitch: And that’s all you have to say about that?

Kent: It is.

Glitch: Fine. Be that way. Jerk.

Kent doesn’t respond. Glitch sighs, then lights up as they read the last question.

Glitch: Ooh, looks like I’ve saved the best for last! Here’s a question about yours truly. Rivering asks: What attracted you to become best friends with Glitch?

Kent: I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter.

Glitch: It’s true. He really didn’t.

Kent: I was forced.

Glitch: Coerced.

Kent: Strongarmed.

Glitch: Blackmailed. And there you have it, everyone! This is Taliaferro Parker, forced best friend of Kent Zarneki, saying goodnight and sleep tight!