The Stupidest Attack (TLDP Chap 29)

Game

Thoughts

“Talking”

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“...Well, I think that’s it,” Sirzechs nodded, a satisfied smile on his face.

“Yup! Now, let’s just get everyone's signature, and it’ll be official!” Serafall cheered, grabbing the paper that had been floating next to her while a magical pen wrote down the official treaty.

“You guys do stuff with paper?” Naruto raised an eyebrow, “There’s no like… magic pact? Blood pact? None of that?”

“Of course not, Naru-chan,” Serafaff puffed her cheeks out at him, “That’s just a stereotype!”

“Yeah, we quit doing blood pacts long ago, Naruto-chan,” Sirzechs chuckled, taking the paper from Serafall and signing his name on it.

Well, that’s kind of disappointing.

The official peace treaty, aptly named the ‘Treaty of the Four Factions,’ was about to be finalized. Not by a magic spell, or a blood pact, or by sacrificing someone's firstborn - instead, each faction leader was simply going to write their name on it.

“Yes, we’re much more modern than that, Naruto-chan,” Azazel chuckled, signing his own name on the paper, “We could even do this electronically if we wanted!”

Well, I guess it is kind of messed up of me to assume they still did that stuff. They live pretty similarly to humans, especially now that they can’t live in the underworld anymore.

“Hah, my bad,” Naruto chuckled, “Just because you guys did that stuff thousands of years ago doesn’t mean I should assume you still do it!”

“Yeah! I haven’t made a blood pact in like…” Serafall squinted her face cutely, “At least a week!”

Naruto facefaulted.

A week?!

“Actually, you made one two days ago,” Sirzechs corrected with a wise nod, closing his eyes as he remembered the incident, “Remember? I was there to negotiate it - you made it with Great Red, giving him a constant supply of Naruto-chan’s autographed manga in return for him giving you ‘great luck’ to make sure Naruto-chan agreed to marry you!”

“You did what?” Naruto deadpanned. 

“Oh, right! We were supposed to keep that secret, Serafall!” Sirzechs looked away innocently, “You shouldn’t just reveal your blood pact so easily! You need to be more careful who you tell about it.”

She needs to be more careful? You’re the one who just told everyone about it!

“Oh, my bad!” Serafall nodded apologetically at Naruto, “I’ll keep it more hush-hush next time!”

You didn’t even say anything- and why are you apologizing to me?!

“...Great Red does not have blood… he’s a mass of power…” Ophis supplied helpfully, looking over at Serafall with a bland expression.

“H-He doesn’t?! Did I get scammed?” Serafall leaned toward the Ouroborous Dragon - not that she had to lean far. After settling that she was indeed going to marry Naruto, both her and Sona had moved to his bed to sit beside him.

She was being so professional too! 

Serafall’s professional demeanour had come crashing down, the woman claiming that ‘all the important stuff was done!’ part way through the meeting and climbing into Naruto’s bed. Notably, she had said that only roughly a third of the way into the meeting - there was a lot more important stuff that had been discussed with the Maou pressing her breasts into Naruto’s side.

“He can’t control luck either…” Ophis broke the bad news, causing Serafall to become even more panicked.

“H-He can’t?! I need to go take back the blood pact!” 

“...Great Red won’t accept that. I let him move into the dimension gap, and then when I tried to kick him out he said ‘no taksies backsies,’” Ophis shook her head, looking slightly somber as she recalled the event. 

“Damn it! He’s totally right too!” Serafall groaned, flopping her face down into Naruto’s lap, “There are no taksies backsies!”

…They’re both insane.

“Tell him he can come back to my autograph signings if he cancels the pact,” Naruto sighed, and Serafall lit up. 

“Really?! Thanks, Naru-chan!” Serafall cheered, getting over her bout of sadness far too quickly for someone who was locked into a blood pact. She leaned forward to hug him, unintentionally shoving her large breasts into Ophis’s face as she did - causing the dragon to look up at her ‘balloons’ distastefully. 

Though, now I’ll have to deal with him again.

The reason Great Red needed suppliers for autograph manga in the first place was because he had gotten himself banned from Naruto’s meet and greets. 

The burly dragon-shapeshifted-into-a-man was rather rough in pushing his way to the front of the line, and had accidentally bumped into a devil with a cup of coffee. Said coffee had launched across the room, spilling onto Yasaka’s favorite dress, and as a result Great Red was banished from all of Kyoto.

“But, you can deal with that another time,” Naruto turned back to the matter at hand. He grabbed the floating stack of papers from Micheal, pressing the pen down as he signed his own name, then handed it to Serafall.

“It’s just you,” Naruto said, referring to the fact that Serafall was the last one who needed to sign the treaty - despite the fact that she had been the first one with the papers.

“Right! Let’s make this official!” Serafall nodded sagely. She leaned down, pressing the pen into the paper to sign her name, and… ripped a hole in it.

“Oops,” She muttered, staring at the pen-sized hole in the treaty as she pressed down with too much force.

“...That’s what happens when you try to write while in a bed,” Naruto deadpanned. Serafall had laid the paper against the soft and mailable bed beneath them, meaning that she didn’t have a hard surface to press down on - and as a result tore through the paper.

“...Oopsies,” Serafall simply said again, then snapped her fingers. Another floating paper appeared from a magical circle, and the pen started to write again, “This’ll take a bit. Sorry!”

“...We have to wait for it to rewrite the entire treaty?” Naruto deadpanned, as the treaty itself was a stack of nearly twenty papers long, “You can’t make it go faster? Or just repair the hole in the last one?”

“I use ice magic, Naru-chan,” Serafall deadpanned back, “You’re lucky I can even do this much.”

…

“Fair enough,” Naruto sighed, slumping in the bed as he realized the meeting would go on for at least another hour. It had already been over seven hours since he was awoken by the start of the meeting, as while the faction leaders weren’t actually discussing that many specifics they teneded to get sidetracked a lot.

“Y-Yasaka-sama! Naruto-sama! There are intruders!” The door to his bedroom burst open, and a handmaiden stumbled in. She was out of breath, looking panicked as she glanced around the room frantically.

“...Intruders?” Naruto asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

“Y-Yes! A group of mages just appeared in the middle of Kyoto, sir!” The handmaiden explained hurriedly, “They completely bypassed the protective barriers! We think they’re targeting the meeting!”

“...targetting the meeting? No way,” Naruto shook his head, “They probably didn’t realize the meeting was happening, and just chose a bad day to attack. Who would be stupid enough to attack a meeting between leaders of the four strongest factions?”

It wasn’t unusual to have intruders attacking Kyoto - with how famous Naruto was, there were many strong supernatural beings that wanted to challenge him to a fight, and an equal amount that wanted to kidnap him.

“I’ve come to take what is rightfully mine, you fake bitch!”

Suddenly, the entire roof of Naruto’s bedroom was blown off. It was as if a bomb had exploded on it - debris flying around as the evening sky above was revealed.

“Katerea?” Naruto deadpanned, looking up at the woman. She was floating above the bedroom, her large wand pointing down towards the faction leaders threateningly. Around her, hundreds of masked magicians floated in the air, ready to attack at a moment's notice.

“N-Naruto-sama?” Katerea stuttered, blushing lightly as he looked at her, “W-What are you doing here?!”

“...This is my bedroom,” Naruto said blandly, “You’re the one attacking the meeting? The one stupid enough to attack a gathering between five powerful faction leaders and me?”

“W-Well, if I knew you were here, I would’ve taken a different course of action,” Katerea replied stiffly, not meeting his gaze.

“...You knew this meeting was in Kyoto, right?” Naruto asked.

“Yes…”

“And… you know Kyoto is where I live, right?”

“Y-Yes!”

“And… you know what my house looks like,” Naruto continued, “In fact, you even know that my bedroom is on the top floor. You practically live here! You’re here every night!”

“Y-Yes, I knew that the meeting would be in your bedroom, Naruto-sama, but…” Katerea cut herself off, seemingly realizing that she was about to say something very stupid.

“You thought that I wouldn’t be here? At the meeting between the Four Factions - one of which is the Youkai Faction, which I am the leader of - which is taking place not just in my house, but in my literal bedroom?” Naruto asked blandly.

“...W-When you say it like that, it sounds stupid…”

“Because it is stupid!” Naruto groaned, “Why are you even attacking the meeting?”

“T-To kill the fake bitch!” Katerea answered as if that explained everything.

“The fake bitch?” Naruto muttered confusedly.

“Don’t call me fake just because my tits are bigger than yours, Kat-chan!” Serafall shouted, pointing up at Katerea, “Mine are all natural, unlike yours!”

“W-What?! My tits are natural!” Katerea argued back.

“Nuh-uh! I know you make them bigger with magic!” Serafall shouted back dramatically, “You used to be way flatter!”

“Some of us take longer to grow than others! We can’t all grow up with our brain cells leaking into our chests!” Katerea huffed back, crossing her arms under her chest, “I just developed a bit late!”

“No one’s chest grows that much after 500 years old!” Serafall countered, leaving Katerea stuttering.

“What are they talking about?” Naruto asked Yasaka, though he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer.

“Well, Serafall is saying that her breasts are natural while Katerea’s are magically enhanced, while Katerea is arguing that Serafall’s are actually fake, while her’s are the real-”

“I get that!” Naruto cut her off with a blush, “I mean, why are they arguing in the first place? Katerea said she’s here to kill her?”

“Oh, right!” Yasaka nodded sagely, “Serafall used to be the Sitri Heiress, but she took over the Levithan Maou position after the devil Civil War. Katerea is the actual descendant of the previous Levithan, so she thinks Serafall is a fake and wants to kill her to take her position. You don’t need to worry about it, Naruto-chan. It’s just girl drama!”

Naruto stared at her blankly.

This is ‘just girl drama?!’

“Look, just take all your little minions and leave. I’ll pretend this never happened-” Naruto shouted up, trying to end the argument. 

“You’re going to be shaking a lot of ass to pay for this roof, Katerea!” Yasaka cut him off, glaring up at Katerea, “And you won’t be getting any dick! Naruto-chan is off limits to you for the whole next week!”

“A-A whole week?!” Katerea whined, her magicians still floating awkwardly behind her as they watched her crumble, forgetting about her argument with Serafall as a more pressing matter appeared, “W-Wait! Four days! I can’t go a whole week!”

“Six days,” Yasaka shot back, “That roof was expensive!”

“F-Five! Five days!” Katerea spit out, looking pleadingly at Naruto, who merely shrugged. He left the harem-managing stuff up to Yasaka.

“Five days, and you’ll have to watch Naruto fuck Serafall-chan right in front of you!” Yasaka smirked, causing Katerea to pale.

“T-The fake bitch?! Why is she going to be there?!”

“I’m Naru-chan's new fiance!” Serafall answered smugly, causing Katerea to look at her in horror.

“No… I’ll have to share a bed with the fake bitch?!” Katerea said dramatically.

“Now, Katerea!” Naruto yanked his hand up abruptly, a sonic boom ringing in his ears as Vali’s fist suddenly slammed into his palm.

“Vali?” Azazel blinked as Vali burst past him, literally tearing Naruto’s bed in half as he lunged at him.

I liked my bed…

“I’ll take the Youkai God, Katerea!” Vali grinned, his body shaking in excitement as he stared down Naruto, “You just kill the rest of the faction leaders!”

“U-Um, Vali…” Katerea pointed at the figure in Naruto’s lap, who Vali’s fist had barely missed as it soared above her.

“What? I’ll keep him occupied, so do your job!” Vali grinned, flinging another fist at Naruto as his wings appeared on his back. Naruto easily caught his punch again.

“T-That’s… Ophis,” Katerea said dryly. 

Vali blinked, stopping his attack as he looked down at the petite girl.

…

“I’ll take the Youkai God and Ophis, so you kill the rest of the faction lead-”

“Who does he think he is?” Naruto deadpanned as Ophis reached up, grabbing Vali’s arm and flinging him upward. He shot into the sky so fast that Naruto could barely keep track of him, disappearing into the night sky with a twinkle.

He really needs a reality check. I kicked his ass without even touching him last time, and he thinks he can take on me and Ophis?

…

The room fell into an awkward silence as Vali was launched away and Katerea floated above them.

“...Well, I guess we’re heading back, guys,” Katerea shrugged, turning to the floating magicians behind her, “Pack it up, we’re heading back to base.”

“W-What?! But we’ve been preparing so long for this!” One female magician whined, sounding childish.

“Yeah! And to teleport around the barrier, we had to sacrifice ten of us! We can’t just quit now!” Another one whined.

“You guys can die if you want, but I’m not risking my ban getting extended! Five days without Naruto-sama’s hard, meaty, rock-hard rod-”

“Please just leave already!” Naruto cut her off, his face flushing.

“R-Right! If you guys want to die, go ahead! I’m heading back!” A magic circle appeared under her, and she disappeared in a flash. All that was left was the collection of mages, all of whom were floating there awkwardly. They looked around, unsure what to do now that their leader had left.

“...You guys wanna get go get some pizza?” One muttered, and slowly a chorus of agreement sounded.

“Y-Yeah, pizza always cheers me up!”

“I could go for some pizza…”

Slowly, all the magicians teleported away, leaving just Naruto’s roofless and bedless bedroom. 

“...Well, I’d consider this a successful meeting,” Azazel hummed, standing up, “Let’s go have some pizza to celebrate!”

“Yay! I love pizza!” Serafall cheered, and Sirzechs, Yasaka, and Micheal all nodded in agreement.

…What the hell is going on?

“Good thing this meeting is sponsored by… Pizza of the Youkai God! The best pizza shop in Kyoto!” Yasaka shouted, pulling a box of pizza out of her shirt - yes, the entire box had been hiding within her massive breasts, “Approved by the Youkai God himself!”

It’s been in there for seven hours?!

Despite being shoved into Yasaka’s breasts for the entire day, there was still steam rising off the pizza - confirming that it was hot.

“...Why are you advertising a pizza shop in the middle of the meeting?” Naruto deadpanned.

“Well, they paid good money to sponsor us, so I have to!” Yasaka answered as if it was obvious. All the other leaders nodded, none of them seeing a problem with the most historically significant meeting in all of history - a meeting that created a peace that would save hundreds of millions of lives - being sponsored by a pizza shop.

What the fuck?

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Naruto Uzumaki:

[Youkai God]

Lvl: 705

STR: 920

DEX: 900

CON: 650

INT: 320

WIS: 900

CHA: 999

LUK: 0 [x[Anicent Youkai King’s 999 multiplier!] 

Skills: [Chess Mastery]

Perks: [Martial Arts], [You’re a Wizard, Naruto], [Ladies Man], [God’s Luck]

Debuffs: [Confusion], [Bad Timing]

Naruto Uzumaki is a Hero from another world, who has been reborn with the power of the Gamer system! 

Thank you for reading! 

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