RELATIONSHIP REDOX #2: To separate or settle for less than you deserve

Our guest writer for this blog is a member going through a rough 2019.  Her thoughts on relationships I think provides a unique perspective on how we must deal with people in our life who should be powerfully connected to us.  

"I don’t believe that anyone ever goes into a relationship believing that they are settling. As time goes by however, an individual that is moving in a direction of growth and exploration, while the other person in the relationship stays stagnant means that eventually you will be faced with the decision to settle for less than you want and deserve in a relationship. Settling for an unhappy relationship because you’ve already invested a lot in it is like investing in a company that is doomed to fail. Loss is inevitable; it’s just a matter of whether you get out now and lose less or stay invested and risk an even greater loss.

it often happens slowly over time. The relationship develops microcracks inside the structure you can’t see. When it finally reaches a critical mass it eventually shatters. I found that there was an undercurrent of dissatisfaction- I’ve given up too much of myself for others. When I finally realized that it was time for me to focus on myself, and for my partner to do the same, I noticed that our interests were very different. I also noted that people go through physiological and biological “brain upgrades” at certain times in their lives. When you continue to educate yourself and your partner is not receptive to your interests or beliefs it can create chaos and distance. I also discovered that hormonal changes that arise with age can cause significant shifts in sex drive. While I was becoming more interested, his interest began to wane. I tried to talk about our sexual activity and changing needs as he looked on in utter disbelief and blew off my concerns. We allowed ourselves to become complacent. I termed it, we became comfortably numb, until I could no longer be comfortable in a relationship that became more and more distant. Differences in spending habits and financial constraints finally come to a head when he asked me about a charge on the credit card for $1.65! 

I was working full time and had for thirty years, but had allowed him full control over our finances to the point that I did not even know the account passwords. After years of someone micromanaging how I spent money, I realized at this point that I had reached a new low. I had given complete control to someone that had abused my trust love, and friendship. I began to realize as I talked to other friends that you should be about protecting each other in harsh environments and have each other’s back… Gaining weight, exercising religiously without results suggested to him that I was asking for him to look at other women. He failed to realize that working nights, sleeping less than four – five hours during the day and working in a hospital under fluorescent lights had created an environment that made it difficult for me to exhibit change no matter how hard I tried. He suggested that wives that let themselves go are asking for their husbands to cheat. When I looked in the mirror, I began to believe that I may be the problem. I decided to make a decision to create some excitement in my own life. I wanted to excite him with pictures and texts, present him with activities to create new stories and reignite our passion. He was less than interested.

Here is the educational component for those that think they have the right to judge someone having to make this decision to settle or separate… I lived within an environment where my self-worth was judged by my spouse based on my weight, my dress size, and my actions around his friends in question until I could take it no longer. A friend who shall remain anonymous reminded me: No one has the right to judge me, not spouse, not family and certainly not other parents of my children’s friends. For you have not gone all in on your own life, or even perceive enough to know what that truly means. Therefore, your opinion of my choices is not worthy of acknowledging.  

There is a special processing in my mind for people that want to judge. Only some of us are meant to survive. I take solace in knowing that nature will take care of their existence and my survival. Be ready, because I am loading my cannon with fireballs from the sun, and I am prepping my dinner table to feast on your ineptitude and insincerity… your ill intent, stupidity and crap can no longer affect me. I choose me, I will not look back and will not let others opinion of me affect where I am going."