The old Spoks is going to die, we have to deal with it

I want to clarify that this is not a farewell / suic*** letter, despite what I say here don't worry, I don't plan to leave or end my life, I just want to explain why I disappeared for almost a month and what will happen in the future. I will divide it into sections so that you can read what interests you, being such a diverse audience there will be some topics that may not be of interest to you.

1- Reasons

The short answer would be that I was consumed by the anxiety that I have been dragging for a couple of years, although there have been many reasons: a year and a half of isolation, some people for whom I had a lot of respect have died in a short period of time, I have lost contact with people I appreciated, I have seen people who supposedly supported me and then spoke horrible things about me behind my back, I have been forbidden to publish the things I like, people I trusted to work on a project failed me, my own inability to achieve certain goals and other personal problems which I do not want to delve into. All that cluster of events has affected me more than I would like to admit, although there is one that perhaps surpasses all of those combined.

2- I am tired

I don't know if it is due to the impostor syndrome or if my self-esteem is very low, but I always tell myself that I do not try hard enough, that my work is easy compared to others, that I was lucky to be able to survive and have a comfortable life drawing. After collapsing and reflecting for a month, I have noticed that I have worked a lot, always pushing my body to the limit to finish an illustration, rising from the depths without depending on anyone's fame, drawing even 12 hours in a row without getting up from the chair , working with a fever, working on things that I didn't feel like doing, always giving 100%.

Even reviewing rule34, I have more drawings there than many famous artists who have been on this for over 10 years (and that's not counting oc commissions or private works).

I have worked very hard in these 5 years without taking a single vacation, I think this is the first time in so many years that I have spent a month without drawing and unfortunately it is not for pleasure, this month for the first time I realized that I am tired, mentally and physically speaking.

3- I-Spoks, the monster that almost consumed me

In these 5 years that name has meant a lot to me, I was able to get out of extreme poverty and flee a country in decline, have a normal life, meet very friendly people and ensure a not so dark future. Without realizing it, that name stopped being just a pseudonym and became my alter ego, a formless being that little by little consumed my original self, in exchange for having that name and everything it represents I sacrificed almost every aspect of my personal life, my personal relationships, my physical and mental health, my hygiene. Spoks is a formless being, he does not need to eat, he does not need to sleep, he does not need a voice to communicate, he only needs a PC with internet and a tool to draw, and that I gave him, along with my hours of sleep, along with the breakfast time, I gave him the hours that I could have used to talk with my parents or friends, I gave him my body, my back, my eyes, my hands, he has used all that without worrying, my back has twisted, my eyes they have lost a bit of their light, my hands hurt sometimes, but Spoks feels no pain, he only thinks about finishing his piece and starting the next one, for Spoks it is never enough. without realizing something that was just a name has consumed me Almost completely. Now when I look in the mirror I hardly recognize myself, I only see a dirty man with dull eyes, who is surprised to hear his own name, that must change, and I will take care of it.

4- Half person, half machine: I must stop. 

As I expressed in point 2, I have worked hard, very hard, but the results have not been what I expected, so many years drawing like a madman, so many years managing dozens of social networks, answering comments, reading a lot of emails/DMs, learning another language to be able to communicate better, trying to be the perfect artist, someone positive who never gives up. This month of reflection I have asked myself "what have I obtained with it?". I still don't notice a real evolution in my art, I don't generate as much money as I think, when I see bills, rent, money that I have to send to my family, always juggling to make ends meet, I still use an old desk that I take out trash, always ending up exhausted and out of time, there is no room for error, and every time I stumble I collapse and I must make a statement as if it were a kind of company, my brain does not understand that I am a person, it does not accept the Failure, I just fill my mouth with toxic positivity, "Even if this went wrong, I'll try a lot harder next time", "I'll work really hard to regain your confidence guys", "I'll do more and better things starting today", " sorry for my poor performance, I'll try harder from now on ”, how can I try harder? I am sitting in front of a pc all day, drawing, answering emails, maintaining social networks and forming a community, I am a person, I cannot demand to give more as if I were an anime protagonist receiving a power up, not all humans are the same, some are faster, some are slower, some learn fast, others don't. I can't keep running towards the finish line crashing into the walls until I break them, I need to stop and figure out how to go around or climb the wall efficiently. 

5- A new path, perhaps something brighter 

As I expressed in point 2, I have worked a lot without obtaining many results, "why if I have published more drawings than other artists in less time, my style does not evolve?"  

That is something that I have been reflecting on all this month without drawing, I know that I said that not all humans are the same, so it is normal to evolve at different rates, but the truth is that I have not invested my effort in the correct way, I am like That guy who kills himself in the gym, damaging his joints by overexertion and who in the end does not get the result he expects, what do I mean by this? It's easy, many of those great artists who apparently have drawn less than me, have really invested their time in polishing their technique, they have studied human anatomy, color theory, they have polished their stroke, they have stopped to think and find solutions. simple, that makes them better and faster. Instead I am drawing instinctively trying to fix a sketch for hours due to my lack of knowledge about the human body or perspective, drawing quickly so as not to lose relevance. 

From now on I will learn from the great artists, I will take my time studying anatomy, sketching, failing and thinking about how to improve, no matter how long it takes, I want to stop overexerting myself to finish a drawing, instead I want have enough knowledge to be able to draw analytically quickly and knowing the human body and everything related to its shapes and angles. I no longer want to say "I just have to try harder to fix this" now I want to say "I understand what I'm doing, I can finish it without trying so hard", if I achieve that I am sure that I can reduce the physical and mental load that I need to finish a drawing , I have even draw more complex and better things.

6- What will happen to Patreon from now on?

Honestly, I am still not very clear, in these 3 years using Patreon I have made many mistakes, you have been very kind to me and have ignored them, I am very grateful, and perhaps because of that I made many more mistakes, promising things every time more ambitious, overloading myself with a lot of things to do, I wanted to repay that trust they have in me by giving 200%.

When I had an anxiety attack my first thought was always to close Patreon and disappear from the internet, but that would be selfish, the money I earn is not just for me, I have parents that I must support and refuse to receive passive income because of my pride it would be a mistake, it would also be selfish not to let you choose, since I know that there are many people here who support me for me and what I can become in the future, not for the rewards and that really makes me happy.

I think the healthiest thing would be to reset patreon, erase the most fanciful goals and rewards and let you choose whether or not you want to continue supporting me, whatever decision you make will be the correct one, since you have invested money that you earned by working hard in someone like me having so many talented artists there really made me happy, thank you so much again for believing in me.

7- Conclusion

I think it did me very good to be a month away from everything, now my mind is very clear, life is short and even if I had the security of living 100 years, I could die tomorrow one way or another (like El Rincon de Usagi, young artist that I respect a lot, who died due to Covid-19 or the great Kentaro Miura, who died without completing his greatest work)

So from now on I will take more care of my body and my mind, I will focus on improving my calmly sketching technique and a lot of theoretical study, even if it ruins my career, I will be happy doing the things that I like and I will live fully. I was about to betray myself and become a trend hunter, but that does not make me happy , I can't be like other artists and jump on top of every trend that pops up to get attention (I'm not criticizing it, it's something respectable, but it's not for me) so don't expect to see me drawing the Samsung girl or anything viral, just I draw to please myself and the people who share my tastes, now I have it clearer. Nor do you expect more illustrations like the ones I have done so far, at least for a while I will dedicate myself to sketching, so if you expect full color illustrations, alts and things like that, you will not get it with me, not for now at least.

As for the animation that I have pending, I will finish it, and I will continue to make more animations in the future, the pokemon animation I made was a refuge for me, animating makes me happy, but I must be less ambitious, I will do simpler things to myself pace, the animation tier is really only to pay for VA's, BGM, SFX and BG artists, so it's up to you if you want to continue supporting me in that tier, none of that money was going to me anyway, you can downgrade or stay there, I will be very grateful anyway.

That's all I have to say, I'm sorry I couldn't express this earlier, I really didn't mean to worry anyone, I just collapsed and had to disappear.

Now I will take care of myself more and I will try to pursue that brilliant path that I wish in a more rational way, I thank all those who have accompanied me until now, and those who plan to continue accompanying me despite the changes that will take place, you are very kind people and I glad that there are people like you in the world, even if you stop supporting me, keep supporting the people you admire and appreciate, rest when you need it and live the life you want to live, that is what I will do from now on. A human can't choose when is going to die, but can choose how to live, take good care of yourselves and appreciate your lives, this opportunity to step on this planet is unrepeatable, seek happiness, best regards to all.