Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlcock (Chapter 2)

Beta Read by: https://www.scribblehub.com/profile/65093/kristalmoonhand/ 

Her life was officially over. She’d have to sell all her things and escape to a forest somewhere to live out the rest of her days in seclusion. Bound to a life of solitude and shame. Nothing but the woodland critters and the weight of her failures to keep her company.

Cindy stood frozen in fear at the fact that she had just outright said, “I'm gay” to her crush. In front of the entire non-fiction section, in front of Todd, in front of her salad. There was nothing left for her to do except try to find some way out of the sphere of fuckery she’d created and move towns, change her name, maybe take up knitting and crochet sweaters for the local raccoons.

“I’ll leave you alone forever now.” Cindy muttered as she continued to internally plot out her new life.

Eva giggled once more, “No, I’m glad you’re here. What did you think of Any Other Name? We just got it donated and I’ve been dying to talk to somebody about it!”

Cindy began to suspect that maybe there had been a tear in the space time continuum. Was there by some chance that there was an inflation theorist nearby? Because she must have slipped into a pocket dimension when she entered the building. Eva had always been super friendly and sweet, but to be excited to talk to her? The Matrix truly was glitched.

“Um, yeah! I’m only part of the way through. It’s been a busy week but I’m really liking it so far! I think the MC def has a case of gender going on.” Cindy had somehow managed to form a coherent sentence despite the panic building inside of her.

“Ooh yes! I’m so glad you picked up on that. I think lots of people have a case of gender going on. You just gotta look for the signs. Anyways, I was just coming back to grab my notebook. I gotta go help a friend out, but um–would you maybe wanna grab coffee sometime? We can talk about the book and stuff.”

The look in the librarian's eyes made it seem as though she were nervous about asking such a question. But there was no way someone like Eva could ever be nervous, right?

Cindy was dumbfounded, perplexed, perplounded even. In what universe would Eva ask her out? Short answer? This one, apparently.

“I–uh–yeah! Really?” Cindy couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “I mean, don’t you have like, spells to cast or rituals to complete?” Cindy couldn't believe what she was saying.

Eva pulled out her pocket watch and checked the time. “Not til four.”

The smirk the librarian was making was well deserved but the joke was completely lost on the short circuiting girl in front of her.

“Yes! I’d love to get coffee. I know a place not far from here. When do you wanna meet up? I was actually here to ask you a question anyways. But it can wait until then.” The poor girl's chest was somewhere between the geology section, and the chemistry section.

“Splendid! Here…” Eva walked over to Todd and grabbed her notebook from the desk, then proceeded to scribble something down. She tore off a corner of the page and handed it to Cindy. “This is my number. Shoot me a text with the address. Let’s say, six-ish?”

All Cindy could muster was a nod of affirmation with slight whimpers of “mhm hmm.”

“It’s a date! See you then.” The gothess winked and very nonchalantly made her way out of the building.

It’s a date then. The words rang out in Cindy’s mind the entire walk home. Surely she didn’t mean it was a date date. Right? Eva must have just been being friendly. Cindy was sure this was a common occurrence for her. After all, if Excel could confuse things as a date, then certainly she could. It had to have just been a friendly chat about the book. Nothing else. Not even, at all.

She replayed the entire conversation back in her head, over and over again like a stenographer trying to parse the word ‘bussy’ in a parking violation hearing. There’s nothing you could say or do to provide context or an explanation at that point. Cindy was just going to have to play things cool. And if there was one thing she was good at, it was staying cool and collected under any circumstances.

"Listen, I'm not saying that I'm gonna actively seek out some clussy. But like, if the opportunity for a clown girl to ream me with a balloon strapon, that bursts against my prostate causing me to violently orgasm, arises. Then I'm not gonna say no." Christine proclaimed firmly as Cindy opened the door to the apartment.

“Will I ever come home to a normal fucking conversation?” Cindy groaned as she yote her bag onto the nearest surface.

Both Christine and Olivia stared at her from the couch, before simultaneously shrugging.

“How was yoga?” Olivia asked.

Cindy stopped in her tracks. Olivia had been asking about yoga a lot recently. She’d even known about difficult poses. If there was ever a time to come clean about what she’d really been up to, it was this exact moment. Maybe they’d understand? After all, the apartment was fully occupied by complete disasters of human beings. She just had to explain.

“It was good. I aced the sexy one. Downward facing doggystyle. I’m getting a good grade in yoga. Something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve.” Cindy responded before heading directly to her room.

Why did she lie? Why did she continue this poor facade that literally benefitted no one? Maybe it was because, deep down she wanted people to think she was cool. Maybe she had gotten so used to lying about things in fear of judgment that it was her hardest habit to break. Maybe, she valued the opinions of her roommates more than she realized, and wanted them to look up to her like the big sister she wished she’d had. Maybe she was just a fucking asshole. The truth of the matter was, Cindy couldn’t even explain to herself what her reason was.

One long hot shower later, a lie in bed staring at the ceiling contemplating her life choices, and an almost meltdown about what she would wear, Cindy was ready for her not-date with Eva. She’d texted her the address and knew that this would be the pinnacle moment of how things would forever go between the two of them. If nothing else, she could at the very least gain a friend to share memes with.

Deciding that her existential thoughts would have to wait til later, Cindy opened her door and went to find her bag. Searching the living room to no avail. She was confused. She had specifically haphazardly thrown it in that general direction. It should have been in the random stuff zone.

“Hey.” Christine said flatly as she stood in the opening to the kitchen holding Cindy's bag.

“Hey…” Cindy was taken back a bit. She’d never seen Christine look so stern before. “What’s going on?”

“Listen, I know Saturdays are your thing. And you have your own stuff going on. But Olli’s been trying really hard to reach out. She doesn’t really have a whole lot of girlfriends and she’s always looked up to you. She’s been trying to work up asking if she can come with you to Yoga. But to be honest you’ve been a bit cagey lately and she misses hanging out with you. I miss hanging out with you too, but, it kind of seems like ever since we came out you’ve been a bit more distant. And it might be nothing, I might just be jumping to conclusions, we’ve been working on our own shit too. Either way, you and I both know that whatever it is that you're doing every weekend, it’s not yoga. Just…get your shit together Cindy.” Christine handed her the bag and went back to her room.

Is there a word for when someone takes your heart, puts it in a box and drop-kicks it into another dimension? Because that’s exactly what Cindy felt like had just happened. She’d never seen Christine so dead serious before. She was hurting her friends. They thought that she was treating them differently because they were trans? She was. She’d been trying to give them space and privacy to do their stuff. But, maybe it was too much. She never really communicated that either. Then again, she never had to before. There was a lot that was going to have to be done. Like reapplying her mascara in the car since the tears running down her face were most certainly ruining all of her work.

Would it be better to cancel? To stay and talk things out, possibly ruin what she had been dreaming about for the longest time?

A knock at the door snapped her out of thought. Cindy quickly wiped her eyes and answered.

“Hi there! We have a DoorHash delivery for Olivia.” A guy holding a tablet nervously said.

The other person in the hallway who was holding a small locked rolling cooler just idly scrolled their phone. Cindy had seen them before briefly, but didn’t know their name. She just knew that they had a strong case of gender.

“Uh, yeah. She’s my roommate. One sec.” Cindy turned back and called out, “Olivia! Weed’s here!”

“Coming!” a muffled reply came from the back of the apartment.

“Sooo, how are you doing today?” The guy asked.

Cindy checked her phone and saw the time. “Uhhhh, late if I don’t go right now.”

She pushed past the delivery drivers and made her way down the hall to the elevator. Hearing only slight bits of the conversation behind her as she did. Something about “a new partner”, “Justin”, and “a special on Indicouch” something or another.

It would be easier to talk to Olivia later anyways. She needed to really think about what she was going to say, and how to handle the giant mess she’d created. If only they had like, some type of service to talk through your problems with a third party, and get advice on how to handle your emotions and social faux pas. They’d make so much money off her. Or even something to just help ease the bodily tension she felt. Where you could just stretch things out, in a calm environment, no distractions. Just getting to be able to relax and clear your mind while you work on clearing your body of all the stress you carry. Too bad nothing like that existed.