Episode 1: Why The Hell Do You Like Rape Play?

Hello! 

I've started a new public audio-series called: "Why The Hell Do You Like That?" 

It's a series where in each episode I take a fetish and discuss it from various perspectives — why does one like it, how to practise it, where does it come from, its relation to the socio-sexual narrative, how to realistically deal with it, the risk profile, personal experiences, what you could be missing about it, why does it work, how to approach it if you just do not understand— and do as thorough an analysis of it as possible. My opinions are not to be taken as fact, please, but all information is ethically and honestly presented. Take a listen to the first episode (details posted ahead). 

Episode 1: Why The Hell Do You Like Rape Play?

Cliff-notes

The very first time you have a rape fantasy or get aroused to the idea of being forced, several questions arise almost immediately: 

*"Do I have rape fantasies because I was raped? Or do I want to be raped? Are rape fantasies a sign of mental illness? What the hell is wrong with me?"*

Rape fantasies are much more common than you realise. A study found that over 60% of women, over 50% of men and 60% of non-binary people have had fantasies of forced sex. Most studies have not been able to establish a statistical correlation between being a victim of sexual assault and having fantasies of rape, however some studies, particularly those that had a large sample size spread over a vast age-range have been able to establish a marginal connect, but it's nowhere near definitive. It's important to remember that most studies conducted on this subject have a small and often geographically limited sample. Also, casually fantasizing about something once or twice does not make a fetish. This doesn't mean rape fantasies are not common, in my experience, a lot of people have them, the studied about them have just been conducted with an inadequate sample. 

So why do you have fantasies of rape?

There are reasons, both personal and societal. 

While fetishism can be very personal, it does not develop entirely in a vacuum. The social context has a lot to do with what we, as a people, are aroused by. I have a theory that rape fantasies are a lot more common in countries that have a more prevalent rape culture, but I don't know how to test it. 

Pop culture enables a lot of this. Men are often taught, for instance, that resistance is an invitation but the messaging is much deeper than that. There is romance to being forced. I once read a romance novel about a girl who was forced to marry a lord who then raped her, which she enjoyed, then she got pregnant and lived happily ever after with her predator. There were 30000 others like that, that I didn't read. How exactly has this narrative of rape as romance been created over the years? 

This narrative makes it seem to me that it's only natural that people would develop rape fantasies because the socio-sexual narrative surrounding consent, still teaches us to romanticise that in little ways. 

Does that mean you are wrong for having those fantasies? If anything, your response is perfectly natural, whether the social environment is natural though, is a different, and harder question. Besides social reasons there are personal reasons, often the individual's life experience such as redefining or rewriting an experience of rape. It could be part of a larger fetish of a lack of control. Regardless, whatever causes your rape fantasies, they are no more abnormal than any other fantasies. 

So why do rape fantasies scare us? Even in fetishistic circles "rape play" ia considered extreme. Why is that? 

Some of it, I believe, is an anxious reaction. You don't want to talk about dying because that feels like tempting fate, and fantasizing about being rape may feel the same way. 

Sometimes rape fantasies make you confront your own morality. 

There is some danger to admitting these things. Women have been exploited and forced because of their admission of fantasies of forced. Earlier this year, a woman was accused by a court in our country of lying about rape allegations because she had admitted to fantasies of being forced in different communication found on her phone. That is terrifying. 

So, should you practice these fantasies? 

The broad answer is, you can practice them and remain fairly unscathed. 

But. 

You have to know it's not quite like dabbling in pottery, it's more like dabbling in bare-knuckle boxing, and you should expect to get at least a little bit hurt. You may not, but expect it. 

First of all we have to discuss them from both perspectives. We often discuss rape fantasies from only the POV of the recipient. However say you desire rape play, and you have identified that your desire to engage has to do with an experience of rape you have had and are trying to recreate. How do you feel about the possibility that the person perpetrating the fake-rape has the desire to play-rape because of actual desires or rape they have felt? That side of the conversation is a lot scarier, and a lot more explicit about what you might be doing. Understand the motivations of everyone involved, and what you feel about those motivations. They may not be as clean and sanitized as you may want them to be. They can be, but they may not. 

Discuss safety protocols. See if you can test your desire by incorporating some other form or force into your interaction with the other person before you go all in. Test the waters. If you feel fear, let it inform you of what your misgivings are. If you feel anxiety, think about whether you need to do this at all. 

Romanticize the desire, not the process. 

The end.

Listen to the full episode, there's a lot more information in there. 

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