Ancilla's Dirty Diary: "I'm going to try to figure that out as well." (21/9/21)

Note: Welcome to my journal. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find all the pieces under the tag "Ancilla's Dirty Diary 

21 September 2021

I can't wait for my birthday book to be delivered. Daddy buys me at least one book on my birthday every year and the last few years it has been volumes of the Diary of Anais Nin. I think she was amazing. Complicated, and perhaps even deeply unethical as person, but amazing nonetheless. I know she has in the past decades become a poet and rallying point for submissives but I don't get that from her writing at all. It's not the erotica she wrote that I truly love, it's the style in which she writes it, but her journal is definitely my favourite thing to read. The thing is, it's such a decadent writing project that she undertook, and in reading it, you can really tell that it was the writing she loved doing the most. Her life seems to me like the only one, ever, that I am genuinely envious of. The fraternity and the people she lived and interacted with, like Henry Miller or Salvador Dali, and the way she writes about them, not like icons of art, but like people with flaws and every day lives, feels like a life I would really like to live. I love that she lived on a houseboat for no reason except that it seemed like a good idea to her. I loved that she carried the weight of starving artists on her shoulders, but more than that, I love how she wrote it. It's like a fantasy world. I get lost in it so easily. I feel like I relate to her more than any writer I have ever read before. 

But this year that's not the book he got me. I know! It's a strange and unlikely book that he got, and I don't know where it is being shipped from but it's taking a month to get here (only 9 days left to ho!). The book is called Pimp and it's by a man named Iceberg Slim. I had forgotten about it. It came up many months ago when we were watching Dave Chappelle. I don't know where I stand on his comedy, sometimes I like him, and sometimes I don't, but he was doing a bit about the 'mileage on a ho' in reference to this book, and the story he told was so horrible, so heartbreaking and so interesting (and also weirdly, disgustingly turned me on). I expressed that I would really like to read the book, and then I forgot about it, but he didn't! He put it on my birthday list, along with hundreds of pens. He wanted to get me a fancy pen because I published my first book this year and he thinks I should have something fancy to sign it with. That's not me at all. My favourite pens are so cheap you can actually buy a hundred of them for 1/5th the price of a fancy pen, so I asked him to give me that instead. I have this aversion to fancy pens, and a theory about them, I feel like most people who like fancy pens write very few things by hand. They're for people who sign things. 

That's not me at all. I write by hand all the time. I don't do professional writing by hand but I always do handwritten research notes. I write a journal by hand. I take idea and study notes by hand. I write messages by hand to people, yes, I send people handwritten notes all the time. I even wrote letters. I write notes by hand to the kid. I make study notes for him by hand. I make lists by hand. I get panicky when I don't have access to a pen. I have a million and none of them are the same but they're all generally the same pen. They're the same price, and that price is the exact pen quality I need. I'd have to take care of a fancy pen. Keep track of it. I don't need that, so I got a hundred pens instead.  I am wary of getting sentimental about what I write with. That's what keeps me from buying a typewriter too. I like the idea. The aesthetic pleases me but it's just a sentimental idea to create an era that seems romantic to me. I worry I will write less if I limit myself to writing a particular way in a particular setting. 

Other than that this has been a difficult few days. First I was sick, not Covid, got tested, but it was the flu so very similar. Then my husband got sick, also not Covid, he got tested, just my flu. The kid started it, but he was only sick for two days. Then we had to move from guesthouse to temporary housing (after getting tested), which meant getting the air conditioning installed, the water purifier installed, setting up the washing machine, getting wifi..ugh. I have done this 4 times now in the past 5 years. It is insane. In two months when we move to permanent housing, I get to do it all over again. At least now I feel some semblance of normalcy. Something about my own black sheets and my own black curtains makes all these different corners of the country feel somewhat similar. I slept on my own sheets last night after 40-days and it was the best sleep I had in ages. I had a dream that master was suturing my cunt shut. We were talking about it a couple of days ago, I was telling him that we should do it. He has been wanting to do it for a while but amazingly I was the one who was being reluctant. He did my mouth a while ago, and it was wonderful, especially what came after. He put his dick in my face and I couldn't fucking suck it. It was maddening. 

He suggested soon after that we do my cunt too, I wanted to. Immediately. I don't know what was holding me back. I have no worries about his skill at all, he does sutures almost every day, and I am not worried about the pain, he also hurts me everyday. I suppose I won't know what my reluctance was about until I do it. I look forward to finding out. He said we can do it as soon as my period is over. It came early, which is nuts, but I appreciate that it snuck up on me and there was no PMS at all. I have a theory that when I'm extremely horny, as in not having orgasms (it's been...36 days, and he says we're going six months this time, I am worried), I have a painless period. I don't know how that works exactly, but I'm going to try to figure that out as well.