I Want To Show You My Pussy.

"Please look at me," I beg him as the chains around my wrists rattle against the headboard, "I beg you, please look at how wet my pussy is, master."

It doesn't make as much sense as it should, I can't even really see him look but I can feel his gaze and it feels like he is touching me. I feel like his fingers are lightly and gently dipping inside the wetness and grazing the swollen bits between my legs. I want him to watch for hours, I want him to open the doors to world and let everyone in so they can watch too. I don't want anyone to touch, that's a different thing, I just want to them to look. Look at my pussy.

It may seem like exhibitionism and maybe in some ways it is. I mean, it does turn me on to show this part of my body to people, but I've always associated exhibitionism with something more positive than this, it always seems like exhibitionists are proud of what they show and enjoy the admiring attention, maybe it's different for different people though, I don't know enough about that world. To me, this doesn't feel like exhibitionism. It's something else. Many years ago I used to send pictures of my pussy to strangers on the internet and beg them to shame it, and me for showing it to them (but I didn't do this without their permission, of course, don't use me to justify your unsolicited dick pics). I could have shown it to the people I was having sex with but that wasn't the purpose, the people who were fucking it had already displayed desire for it, and I didn't want to be shown any desire. I wanted to show it to people  who whose contempt would be believable and whose ridicule of my insides would sting more because they wouldn't desire me for showing them my body. I showed it to them when it was at its most... pathetic.

Let me clarify.

I do not hate my pussy. I don't even think it's ugly. I have no complaints whatsoever when it comes to its appearance, abilities or anything else, I actually think it's a very nice looking pussy. It's not even a misogyny thing which is not to say I don't resent my womanhood a little, I do, but that's because of the social experience of womanhood and I am not about to be so reductive and idiotic about it that I'm going to target my pussy for it. It's not that. I just love humiliation, and that it's often targeted towards my *femaleness* is just incidental and a little bit because I dated a lot of misogynists early in life and they groomed me for it. I got rid of the assholes, but I kept the things they taught me to find hot. I don't think of myself as smaller, lower and dirtier because I am a woman, I think of myself as smaller, dirtier and lower *and* I am a woman. The two are unrelated. I could have just as easily been a woman with a dick, and if I were, I would probably want to show that to people as well. It's really just because this is the equipment I am carrying, it has little to do with gender.

So when I say that I liked to show it to people when it's "pathetic" I don't mean it is inherently pathetic. I mean, I am. I like to show it to people when it's at its most needy: desperate, swollen, beaten, leaking, denied, ungroomed, just kinda messy. Every picture I send needs to be accompanied by a thousand words just for there to be an adequate explanation. I don't know who is sending the pictures that are worth a thousand words but it's beyond my skill-set to take those pictures. I like to show it to people when it's carrying a dirty, shameful story. I have no problem with being turned on, but I am, on some level, deeply ashamed of being wet. It's not because some guy said something awful to me when I was younger (but that does happen to many people), I think it's because of my long-standing martyr thing. Everything sexual, I don't want to do, I want to *endure*. Everything must be suffering, or what is the point? The wetness is evidence that I like it, and I don't like that. I don't like it rubbed in my face (except, you know, I literally want it rubbed in my face).

I'm never more ashamed than when caught truly enjoying something, that's half the reason why I don't like it when people watch me eat, and so it's only rational to me that I would take something I enjoy (being wet) and turn it into an exercise in shame.

But it was easier with the strangers.

When I showed it to strangers and begged them to look it was the type of vulnerability it's thrilling to display, but terrible to remember displaying when you wake up next to the person who saw it. It's also easier to bear the contempt of people who don't know you well enough to know you're not just the dirty pussy on their screen, it's easier with strangers because they don't know you, and so it's okay go just be one thing to them. One dirty, shameful, wet thing. It's harder with the people you love. Or, at least, it's more painful. It's almost uncomfortable because after they untie you from the bed and you shut your legs, you still have to have dinner together, and it's uncomfortable to know just how much of you you have shown. I have a very open and healthy relationship with my partner, and he would never make me feel judged for the things I like (also because, he fucking likes them too) but even in that situation, sometimes, it's hard to meet his gaze. It's hard to look him in the eye after I've begged him to look at my pussy. After I've begged him to let me show it to him. After I've pleaded with him to say terrible things about it. It's hard to escape my own humiliation that I begged for with so many explicit and unnecessary words.

But it's impossible not to beg.

It's impossible when he has spent days and weeks teasing and reducing me to nothing but a dull throb and a head full of filth. It's impossible when I believe I look as pathetic as I feel. I want to show it to him and everyone else I can beg enough to look at it, just to hear them tell me I am pathetic.

Is that exhibitionism? Or is there another term for that?