How Sexual "Enlightenment" Alienates People.

Some time ago I wrote something about being a sex worker. To be specific, what I wrote was about one particular client but it also detailed my personal experience of being a sex worker. Now I became a sex worker because that is what I wanted to do with my life then and it felt like something I had to do in my life, it wasn't something I did because it was my only recourse for an income or because I was forced in some way. I did it because I wanted it but I'd be lying if I said the entire experience was fun and games. 

Many stereotypical and clichéd ideas that I had and one might have about the industry of sex are actually true: there absolutely are men exploiting women, underage girls, jaded and strange clients, a sense of being commoditized, sometimes feelings of unsafety, sometimes you feel like you're not actually a person but just a fantasy. All of this was true. 

However upon reading my post I was contacted by someone who wanted to let me know she did not approve of my cliché projection of sex workers or the stereotypes that she thought I was confirming. For that moment I let it go but since then I've been thinking about it quite a bit and I've come to realize that sometimes sexual enlightenment makes us somewhat jaded and in that we actually refuse to look at reality anymore. It's the "if I can do it everyone should" principle. 

Do I wish sex was a sanitized industry where every worker (of any gender) felt they retained their dignity, had access to safety, opportunity and brought creativity to their work? Absolutely. I want nothing more. But I realize that's not reality right now. I may have been a sex worker but even as that I had certain privileges: 

I'm educated enough that I know my rights. I walked in and out voluntarily and I had the freedom to that. I have an existence where I am able to put enough distance between myself and society to be able to do whatever I want (this may sound easy but being reclusive and private implies that you have the means necessary you pay for that space and, in my country, it means you had the social upbringing that allows such a decision too). I had access to information about sexual safety and good gynaecologists. In a nutshell, I am saying I was a privileged sex worker. 

And the woman who contacted me, not that I can presume to check her privilege for her, but she was also privileged from where I am standing (based on everything I read about her on her profile). She was educated, enlightened, free (not just in thought but in actual life). The truth is I would have liked her if she hadn't sent me that message. Yet she could not understand that the experience of a freelance sex worker of choice in the United States of America would be different from on who voluntarily worked for a service in India from one who felt financial pressure to be tied to a pimp on the side of the street. All these versions of prostitutes exist. 

She also failed to take into consideration how mother fucking hot she was. No seriously. It's an industry of flesh, flesh matters. Why pretend it doesn't? I feel your experience as a sex worker differs based not only on your own socio-economic (here, in this country, it varies based on your first language) but also your physical attributes (which are more than your just body but never preclude your body: what you wear, how you do your nails, whether you know what winged eyeliner is. I exaggerate. Maybe.)

But sometimes when we get to that "intellectual" plane of things, the one where we are taking a stand with our actions and choices, we forget to cater to the people who haven't had that privilege. When we accept nothing except that standard we have set for ourselves and look down on everyone else we're saying we're better and we're saying their experiences don't matter because yours are more "right". They're just sanitized. Not right. There's a right answer to the question: How do you make chai? There is no right answer to: Why are you a sex worker?

But what she did. And probably not out of malicious intent. I realized a little while ago, I do that. Not in the same way but I do. In some ways, there's no denying it, I'm sexually jaded (that's what I'm calling sexual enlightenment from now onwards because I think enlightenment puts too positive a spin on things. It doesn't always go well). And I fill my life with other people who are jaded in the same ways so it all seems normal. 

But once in a while we ask someone to join us in the fold. (Is it clear I'm talking about creative threeways (that's what I am calling group play now because I don't like that term either. I'm not bringing play doh and neither should you. There's a bracket inside the bracket,  surely that's too much bracketing)?) 

And every time. 

They say something that makes me take a step back and wonder if I'm too jaded to cater to the experience (or lack of) of another person to see that my ways aren't their ways. Their life isn't mine. Their story isn't the exact same as mine. I do this. I may have even accidentally taught people to do it. I forget that not everyone gets d/s or kinky sex. Or everyone understands every scenario I present to them. I forget not everyone is up for everything and I may put pressure on them by presenting my ideas with the belief that they obviously are up for it. I forget not everyone wants to get intimately and intensely involved in life changing experiences. I forget not everyone has done that their whole life 

I am jaded and I'm okay with it but I'm not okay with being judgemental because of it. I have been. Not deliberately and not so much but I have. At least, I am sure I have made people feel judged. It's not always intention that matters. 

Imma stop. 

Is the point. 

Because I'm sorry. Some time ago I wrote something about being a sex worker. To be specific, what I wrote was about one particular client but it also detailed my personal experience of being a sex worker. Now I became a sex worker because that is what I wanted to do with my life then and it felt like something I had to do in my life, it wasn't something I did because it was my only recourse for an income or because I was forced in some way. I did it because I wanted it but I'd be lying if I said the entire experience was fun and games.

Many stereotypical and clichéd ideas that I had and one might have about the industry of sex are actually true: there absolutely are men exploiting women, underage girls, jaded and strange clients, a sense of being commoditized, sometimes feelings of unsafety, sometimes you feel like you're not actually a person but just a fantasy. All of this was true.

However upon reading my post I was contacted by someone who wanted to let me know she did not approve of my cliché projection of sex workers or the stereotypes that she thought I was confirming. For that moment I let it go but since then I've been thinking about it quite a bit and I've come to realize that sometimes sexual enlightenment makes us somewhat jaded and in that we actually refuse to look at reality anymore. It's the "if I can do it everyone should" principle.

Do I wish sex was a sanitized industry where every worker (of any gender) felt they retained their dignity, had access to safety, opportunity and brought creativity to their work? Absolutely. I want nothing more. But I realize that's not reality right now. I may have been a sex worker but even as that I had certain privileges:

I'm educated enough that I know my rights. I walked in and out voluntarily and I had the freedom to that. I have an existence where I am able to put enough distance between myself and society to be able to do whatever I want (this may sound easy but being reclusive and private implies that you have the means necessary you pay for that space and, in my country, it means you had the social upbringing that allows such a decision too). I had access to information about sexual safety and good gynaecologists. In a nutshell, I am saying I was a privileged sex worker.

And the woman who contacted me, not that I can presume to check her privilege for her, but she was also privileged from where I am standing (based on everything I read about her on her profile). She was educated, enlightened, free (not just in thought but in actual life). The truth is I would have liked her if she hadn't sent me that message. Yet she could not understand that the experience of a freelance sex worker of choice in the United States of America would be different from on who voluntarily worked for a service in India from one who felt financial pressure to be tied to a pimp on the side of the street. All these versions of prostitutes exist.

She also failed to take into consideration how mother fucking hot she was. No seriously. It's an industry of flesh, flesh matters. Why pretend it doesn't? I feel your experience as a sex worker differs based not only on your own socio-economic (here, in this country, it varies based on your first language) but also your physical attributes (which are more than your just body but never preclude your body: what you wear, how you do your nails, whether you know what winged eyeliner is. I exaggerate. Maybe.)

But sometimes when we get to that "intellectual" plane of things, the one where we are taking a stand with our actions and choices, we forget to cater to the people who haven't had that privilege. When we accept nothing except that standard we have set for ourselves and look down on everyone else we're saying we're better and we're saying their experiences don't matter because yours are more "right". They're just sanitized. Not right. There's a right answer to the question: How do you make chai? There is no right answer to: Why are you a sex worker?

But what she did. And probably not out of malicious intent. I realized a little while ago, I do that. Not in the same way but I do. In some ways, there's no denying it, I'm sexually jaded (that's what I'm calling sexual enlightenment from now onwards because I think enlightenment puts too positive a spin on things. It doesn't always go well). And I fill my life with other people who are jaded in the same ways so it all seems normal.

But once in a while we ask someone to join us in the fold. (Is it clear I'm talking about creative threeways (that's what I am calling group play now because I don't like that term either. I'm not bringing play doh and neither should you. There's a bracket inside the bracket,  surely that's too much bracketing)?)

And every time.

They say something that makes me take a step back and wonder if I'm too jaded to cater to the experience (or lack of) of another person to see that my ways aren't their ways. Their life isn't mine. Their story isn't the exact same as mine. I do this. I may have even accidentally taught people to do it. I forget that not everyone gets d/s or kinky sex. Or everyone understands every scenario I present to them. I forget not everyone is up for everything and I may put pressure on them by presenting my ideas with the belief that they obviously are up for it. I forget not everyone wants to get intimately and intensely involved in life changing experiences. I forget not everyone has done that their whole life

I am jaded and I'm okay with it but I'm not okay with being judgemental because of it. I have been. Not deliberately and not so much but I have. At least, I am sure I have made people feel judged. It's not always intention that matters.

Imma stop.

Is the point.

Because I'm sorry.