Divine Apostasy Book 8 - Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Ruwen sat in the back row of an empty regional air sled that serviced New Eiru from Midpoint. It was the last one for the night, and while he could have run home faster, he wanted the time to think. Far from the basic sleds he’d imagined, these sleds had a roof, walls, and an enclosed area for the Air Mage that powered it. It would hold sixty people comfortably and twice that if needed.

The conversation with Big D had depressed Ruwen. She had given him much needed advice, but it seemed too late. The problems that existed had grown too large. He had expected the night to go much differently, but none of it had gone to plan.

Ruwen had expected to tell Big D his intention to destroy anyone who disobeyed the order to stand down. It had seemed like a straightforward and simple plan, both things his ideas rarely possessed, and he had been a little proud of himself.

After Big D had shown a huge spotlight on Ruwen’s motivations he had kept the plan to himself. He would visit the north as Uru’s Shadow but would now limit his destruction. He touched his stomach as it roiled. Big D’s advice went counter to his newfound clarity around handling enemies. In many ways, he now viewed the world like Gunder and that bothered him as well.

Ruwen could destroy the country’s troublemakers with no effort at all. He didn’t even need to use Uru’s Shadow. A command from Lir and everyone resisting him would land in the temple’s revival queue. How could that not fix things?

If what Big D said was true though, such an action would backfire on him. The sudden change only adding to the chaos. What he needed to do was go up north and talk, and he hated talking.

Ruwen focused on Rami, who sat nestled behind his right ear. I really liked my plan.

Let’s be real. It wasn’t much of a plan. Killing people until they do what you say only works while you’re there. You need to make them want to stop. Otherwise, you’ll never escape being a tyrant.

Who asked you anyway?

Rami laughed, cooling Ruwen’s head and neck and sending prickles across his skin. The air sled slowed as it arrived at the last settlement before heading directly toward New Eiru. He had asked at Midpoint if the Air Mage was only flying to New Eiru because of him, but the pilot had assured Ruwen he needed to return anyway.

The air sled entered the sled station and stopped in the first of ten bays. The vehicle lowered to the ground with a thud and the pilot jumped out, striding quickly toward the station’s main building. Shakers hanging from poles created a bright oasis and the pilot spoke loudly to someone else, complaining about the lack of bathroom stops.

An Order Class Enforcer approached the air sled. Instead of scale armor, she wore studded leather, probably much easier to walk around in all day. She had a small round shield on her back and a short sword and dagger on her hips. She held her helmet under her arm and walked with the confidence of an experienced fighter.

Three buffs and a debuff appeared in Ruwen’s vision as the Enforcer neared.

Sanctuary: +50 AC, +25% Resist All

Plenty: +10 Health Regen per second, +20 Energy Regen per second

Lucid: +10 Wisdom, +5 Mana Regen per second

Ruwen glanced at the debuff.

Sincerity: -50% Persuasion, -50% Disguise, -40% Haste

The Enforcer stepped onto the sled and nodded a greeting as she glanced around.

Ruwen returned the nod. “Uru’s blessing.”

“Uru’s blessing, Brother” the Enforcer echoed. “How goes your night?”

“Uneventful,” Ruwen responded.

“That is how we like them,” the Enforcer said and smiled. “Are you continuing to the city?”

“Yes.”

“It doesn’t happen often, but in the long dark stretch to the mountains, the sleds are sometimes attacked.” She nodded at the pilot’s seat. “The pilot can fly out of danger, but we lack that option. I can speak with the commander if you’d like and fill some of these seats with Enforcers.” She briefly focused on his left wrist. “You are too valuable to risk.”

Ruwen crossed his arms in an x over his chest. “I appreciate the offer, but the darkness holds no dangers for me. Let your troopers sleep.”

She gave a short bow. “Thank you, Brother. Please take care.”

The Enforcer stepped off the sled and talked with the returning pilot. She made a joke about the size of the Mage’s bladder and they laughed. A few seconds later, they raced toward New Eiru.

This is well organized, Rami said.

Exactly my thoughts. Big D has done an amazing job, and the people care about each other and what they’ve built.

Brianna told me all about her life. The basic infrastructure exists out here, but the schools and libraries are rudimentary.

How was her library? Did she have any good books?

Surprisingly, yes. The books these people had in their storage are ten thousand years old. Almost everything I encounter is new.

Is that what you were doing while I talked with Big D? Flying around stealing people’s books.

I wouldn’t call it stealing, since I never physically take anything.

Right. Well, as soon as we stop this approaching disaster, let’s figure out a way to make the libraries and schools better. These kids shouldn’t suffer from the nonsense us adults cause.

You’re an adult now? I pegged you for twelve.

Very funny. I wonder sometimes what my Deepwell classmates are doing. I imagine them dancing at concerts, drinking, and basically avoiding any kind of responsibility.

Maybe before, but it sounds like the north isn’t a fun place right now. For all we know, they are being conscripted for war.

True. No matter how I try and avoid it, the conversation always circles back to my impending disaster.

Sorry.

No, Big D was right. I’m looking for ways to distract myself.

The front of the air sled had a line of shakers, and they lit an area a hundred feet in front of the sled. The darkness hid the rest of the landscape from normal vision, but to Ruwen’s Diamond eyesight it looked like pre-dawn grey. Fields full of crops covered the rolling hills, and the air smelled like newly plowed soil. The wind rushing over the air sled would make talking out loud difficult to hear.

I didn’t realize what I was doing to myself, Ruwen said to Rami.

You need to be more specific than that.

I’m taking the blame and guilt for both results. Even I can see how unhealthy and wrong that is.

The bodyless head of Prythus rose unbidden in Ruwen’s thoughts. It stared at him with dead and accusing eyes.

Ruwen moaned and bent forward, resting his head on the seat in front of him.

I can stop that, Rami said gently.

No! Ruwen said quickly and a little too harshly. Sorry, Rami. I know you want to help.

You are punishing yourself with these memories.

I know, but doing anything else feels like a dishonor.

A few seconds later, just like every other time, his sorrow turned into a mixture of immense guilt, anger, and a desperate need to destroy danger.

Big D’s words, fresh in Ruwen’s mind, did little to stop the tidal wave of emotions that the memories of that glade produced. When he felt like this, he knew with one hundred percent certainty that killing your enemies was the right thing to do. It felt so right, he couldn’t fathom any other solution.

Eventually the intense mixture of anger and guilt subsided enough for Ruwen to regain his ability to think rationally.

I hate it when you do that, Rami said.

I know, and I’m sorry. I’m not sure where it comes from. How long this time?

One hundred eighty-three seconds.

That’s the first time it’s decreased.

Yeah. Big D’s talk had an impact. You should meditate on that conversation.

I will.

Ruwen glimpsed a distant scarecrow standing in a field of corn. In a blink it had disappeared behind them. Seeing the scarecrow surfaced memories of the Aspects and he struggled to stay out of the hurricane of emotions in his mind.

“It’s my fault,” Ruwen whispered to the roiling wind passing the air sled.

A young woman, maybe twenty, appeared in the seat in front of Ruwen. Her dark hair hung past her shoulders and her black eyes contained swirling flecks of silver and gold. A dusting of freckles covered her face and her mouth turned down in sadness. She wore a white sleeveless dress and she leaned against the wall of the sled, pulling her bare feet up onto the chair.

“Yes,” Rami said. “You bear some fault.”

“I can’t let it ever happen again.”

Rami placed a hand on Ruwen’s arm, and warmth soaked into his skin. “One of the lessons Big D tried to teach you is that you can’t control that. You struggle to control everything, but that is not the nature of the Universe. And even if you could, you shouldn’t.”

Ruwen pulled his arm away from Rami’s touch. “How can you say that?” His voice rose as he continued. “Did you see their bodies!”

Rami’s eyes glistened in the light of the sled’s shakers. “I did.”

Anger filled Ruwen and he stared at the fields again.

Rami spoke, her voice only audible because of Ruwen’s Diamond hearing. “I never felt as alive as I did in Malth’s library. Dashing from level to level, so many books I’d never encountered. The guests with secrets scribbled in notes they thought safely hidden in their pockets. I felt drunk.”

Ruwen kept his gaze outside and Rami continued. “You warned me to slow down and be careful. Caution, you advised. You begged me to wait for you. But I didn’t.” Rami paused for five seconds, took a deep shuttering breath. “Then I triggered the Ink Lord’s trap, and I saw my death.”

They sat together, the silence heavy between them. Ruwen’s anger still burned at Rami’s comment, but she had drawn him into her memories. She had never talked about that night with him until now.

“But of course I didn’t die,” Rami whispered. “You saved me. Like you try and save everyone. Trapped with only my thoughts, all I could think about was how my irresponsibility killed you.” Silence filled the air sled for twenty seconds, before Rami finally got out her next words. “I felt so guilty. I wished I’d died before you had the chance to save me.”

Ruwen turned to look at Rami. Her wet cheeks glistened in the shaker’s harsh light.

“Don’t say that,” Ruwen said. “How could you wish that?”

“Said the wagon to the cart,” Rami replied.

Ruwen sighed, reached over the seat, and grabbed Rami’s hand.

“No one died from your mistake, though,” Ruwen whispered.

“It didn’t feel like that for a long time, but that isn’t the point I’m trying to make.” With her free hand she wiped her cheeks dry. “It wasn’t until later that I suspected a truth, a truth I resisted because of my guilt. Then, when you returned, I could no longer deny it.”

“What was it?”

“All the guilt I shouldered, all the terrible thoughts I had, the hopelessness I felt—in hindsight were ridiculous. Because without the full picture, I had no idea if what had happened was good or bad.”

Ruwen clenched his jaw. “Nymthus told me the same thing as she stood covered in our friends’ blood.”

“I know. That is why I’m telling you this now. To reinforce a critical fact.”

“What?”

“Our ignorance,” Rami said.

Ruwen pushed away his anger at Rami’s comment. She only wanted to tell him something important.

“What I realized when you returned,” Rami said, “was that if I hadn’t triggered that trap in Malth, you would with certainty, be dead.”

Rami turned and kneeled on the seat, facing Ruwen directly.

“And not just because of the seventh step, but surviving Lalquinrial’s mental attacks in the Infernal Realm, and then the knowledge Kholy passed on to you so you could survive the sixth rune. And how many other times has your survival, or your friends’ survival hinged on the mental world made possible by that trap.” Rami leaned forward and whispered. “It goes back to Overlord. Would you have kept your sanity in the great darkness without him? How has Sivart’s guidance benefited you?” Rami leaned back and gave a short laugh. “Did I make a mistake by triggering that trap. Absolutely. Should I have felt guilty. Maybe. Probably. But from my current perspective, it is an event worth celebrating.”

Ruwen clenched his jaw to keep himself from breaking down. “I can’t celebrate what happened.”

Rami leaned forward, her face serious. “Of course not, but you are missing the point. By the same logic, you should not feel such guilt and anger. Big D exposed the double standard you have created for yourself, and Nymthus and I have tried to give you perspective. I hope you can come to grips with one or both before you tear yourself apart.”

A dozen heartbeats appeared three thousand feet ahead.

“Thank you,” Ruwen said as he leaned forward and hugged Rami. “I promise to think about it.”

Ruwen glanced up to find the pilot looking back, confusion at seeing someone with Ruwen. Rami disappeared and the confusion turned into disbelief.

Ruwen focused on Rami as she flew back to his ear. The pilot’s heart rate had steadily increased this entire trip. I think he contacted someone at the station and he’s flying me into an ambush.

Just like on the night Ruwen had met Gunder on the north wall, the lesson of Savage Island screamed at him to act. To strike at this threat to his safety.

Ruwen forced his heart rate lower, took a deep breath, and remained in his seat. The desire to kill the pilot felt urgent. A voice inside him, his voice, screamed that he hadn’t learned anything from Rung Fours’ deaths. Was he just going to sit and do nothing?

Waving, Ruwen smiled at the pilot.

Rami, can you please check his thoughts for anything relevant.

Rami’s evolutions as a Perception wyrm had come with many benefits. She could retrieve short and long term memories, place new ones, or create mass hallucinations.

Ruwen wondered how they’d recognized him. He’d find out shortly.