Divine Apostasy Book 7 - Chapter 61

Chapter 61

Ruwen had spent immense effort balancing his external body, and no time at all focusing on anything he would consider internal balance. But as he thought it through, internal balance, with the Founders’ talk of responsibility and burdens, likely didn’t mean balancing his inner self by doing some sort of inward workout. No, it likely meant finding true balance required the inner and outer self to reach an equilibrium. In hindsight, this trial was obviously necessary.

Thorn’s comment, “you are deeply out of balance, Adept,” made sense now. He could sense how fragile his inner self had become as his life tumbled from disaster to disaster.

Uru help me, Ruwen said, although without a voice no one heard. With this new insight, so many more comments from the Founders made sense, and he understood what burdens they meant.

The Founders had brought up burdens over and over. In fact, had Ruwen listened carefully, and understood the conversation where Thorn had become so upset with him better, he would have realized Thorn and Mist had literally given him a warning.

Mist had told Ruwen, “Responsibility for others is a heavy burden.” Then Thorn had immediately added, “A burden that is crushing you.” Before ending with, “You are deeply out of balance, Adept.”

They had tried one last time at the door by bringing up that exact conversation, probably hoping to nudge his thoughts there. They had brought up the impending judgement, hoping he would see that risking the seventh trial was pointless. Instead, it had reminded Ruwen of Sift, and that had quickly derailed all his thoughts.

Trying to salvage Ruwen’s life, Thorn had begged him to not take the seventh trial. When he didn’t waver, Dusk had left him with some final advice.

The burdens Ruwen had carried up Mount Sorrow he knew came from soul bound items, oaths, and connections he had with beings like Rami and Fractal. But he had misunderstood where their weight come from.

Mist had told Ruwen, in plain words, where the source of the weight originated. She had told him, “Responsibility for others is a heavy burden.”

The burdens Ruwen carried stemmed from the responsibilities he’d attached to his soul.

And now, finally, far too late, he agreed with Thorn. He was hopelessly lost.

Ruwen’s external world contained so many responsibilities, it made balancing it with his internal self impossible. As the Fourth Secret, he held responsibility for the Universe. For putting it back, ironically, into balance. How in Uru’s name could he balance an obligation like that?

As Ruwen once again experienced despair, his mind continued to piece together this mystery. The externally focused Bamboo and Viper Steps must mean the Shadow Steps represented the internal state.

The very name, Shadow, implied a source of light, and Tarot had explained to Ruwen that the creatures in the Shadow Realm interpreted the shadows cast by the soul. He also had a guess at what the seventh step actually did.

The first six trials had concentrated on the external Bamboo and Viper Steps, so he felt confident that the seventh trial, the final step, would be a step inward, toward the soul.

A soul which Ruwen couldn’t see. But with his new understanding, he could finally visualize what it might look like. Everyone’s soul acted like the pivot of a scale which had two plates connected to it. One plate held the weight of his outer self, the other his inner.

Sift, who had almost no responsibilities attached to his soul, likely stood on what Ruwen imaged looked like a flat plain inside this trial. Sift’s two plates were even, and his soul blazed like a sun above him. Because of this balanced state, he could step in any direction, and it signified the importance of the balance between internal and external forces.

Ruwen could not take a step. His obligations pulled him outward, and instead of standing on a flat surface, his external plate had tipped the scale all the way to one side. He stood at the bottom of a deep hole, his dark soul somewhere high above him and out of reach.

For a time, Ruwen floated numbly, unable to come to terms with his failure. His mother had scolded him often for hearing, but not listening. Even with the knowledge of an unknown seventh trial, he had brimmed with confidence that he could manage it.

Eventually, Ruwen again got bored with his self-loathing and despair, one small advantage of his short attention span. He wondered if he could figure out where his soul floated in relation to his direction, even in this darkness.

The darkness reminded Ruwen of his first moments in the silent emptiness of the far Universe. It had even felt like this. Weightless, with nothing to gain any bearing. He had solved that by creating a Shed and gravity sphere. He couldn’t cast those here, but forces acted on him, and that meant he could gather more information.

For instance, Ruwen knew he skewed massively toward his external side, which meant moving that direction should offer less resistance than trying to reach the internal plate far above. In fact, moving from his current location to the internal plate would feel like climbing a mountain. Exactly what he’d experienced in the first Bamboo Viper test.

Ruwen hyper focused on his useless senses and willed himself in different directions. He imagined a sphere, since he didn’t know if he stood on his external plate or rested on it, and methodically visualized himself traveling in different directions.

Time passed, Ruwen would have given up long before, but he had nothing else to do. So he repeated the process, and then again. On the fifth attempt, he thought he felt a slight easing, but figured his imagination had started creating sensations for his brain. He concentrated on the feeling, anyway.

Over and over, Ruwen willed himself toward the location, imagining himself in different orientations. He convinced himself he’d found the external direction, but didn’t understand why it remained so difficult to go that way.

After a few minutes of thought, Ruwen decided his external burdens had pulled his outer plate so far downward that he’d reached the maximum bottom and could go no further. Not only did he stand at the bottom of a metaphorical mountain, but he’d tied himself to the ground.

Thorn’s words, “You are deeply out of balance, Adept,” now seemed like an understatement.

If the tiny difference in resistance Ruwen sensed represented the edge of the plate closest to the outer world, then if he turned around, which he did, he should now face the direction of his internal plate and his soul which acted as the fulcrum between these plates.

Ruwen allowed himself a moment of pride for this accomplishment. If his soul could shine, it would look like a star above him. He had the knowledge now to break his soul prison, but even if he wanted to risk all the gods showing up, he didn’t know how to increase his knowledge enough to make a difference.

That made Ruwen think of his last conversation with the Founders. Thorn had asked him not to enter the seventh trial and said, “The burdens you carry are too heavy.”

Ruwen had asked Dusk if Thorn spoke the truth, and Dusk had responded. “Perhaps. But the shadow you hide hints at hope. No one knows the weight of a word, or a poem, or a life realized. May the shadow guide you, Child.”

What had Dusk seen in Ruwen’s shadow that gave her hope that he might succeed? The words she’d chosen he had dismissed as philosophical, but perhaps, once again, he had heard, but failed to listen.

Dusk had specifically mentioned the shadow Ruwen hid, and he recalled the description for the gift he’d received from her when receiving his orange belt.

Name: Symbol of Lesser Command Shadow

Restriction: Bamboo Viper Clan Adept

Restriction: Rank Orange

Restriction: Shadow Realm interaction impossible when stored.

Description: Dismiss your shadow at will, storing it in your mark. Not all shadows fear the light.

Ruwen repeated the last line of the description again: Not all shadows fear the light.

Shadows always pointed away from the light, so what did it mean when a shadow didn’t fear the light? Could a shadow point toward a light?

None of that made any sense to Ruwen, and he didn’t know how it helped. More time passed as the fear of spending the rest of his life trapped here smothered him.

In a desperate attempt to remain sane, Ruwen focused again on the odd parting words from Dusk: “The shadow you hide hints at hope. No one knows the weight of a word, or a poem, or a life realized. May the shadow guide you, Child.”

Ruwen had assumed Dusk meant a shadow existed in here to guide him. But what if she wanted him to know she had seen something in his shadow that made her hopeful, and the reference to the weight of a word, a poem, or a life realized referenced his mental world? When she said, may the shadow guide you, maybe she meant not an actual shadow, but whatever she’d seen in the shadow he hid. May the shadow guide you. Dusk had been telling him to use his mental world.

Ruwen’s thoughts raced. If knowledge increased the size of the soul, could it also help to balance the responsibilities and obligations of the external world? Could it somehow add weight to his internal plate? His mind went blank as full understanding arrived, like the fist of a god.

“What is the most important Step?” Dusk had asked.

Knowledge, combined with mediation, experience, and wisdom, created the very thing Dusk had wanted him to see from the beginning.

Enlightenment.

Ruwen finally understood. Enlightenment balanced his responsibilities, and Dusk had seen the weight of a word in his shadow.

The pressure against Ruwen’s back had decreased a fraction, as if his newfound enlightenment had weighed down the internal plate above, and raised the external one he stood trapped on. He felt less resistance at his back, because he had risen off the bottom, and now a tiny space existed for him to fall.

Ruwen rejoiced as it confirmed his conclusion about enlightenment, and since the pressure had decreased at his back, he knew his soul, and the internal plate, existed above his current direction.

It also meant Ruwen’s mental world lived somewhere up there, too.

Looking up into the darkness, Ruwen spoke a single name, hoping this time, facing the right direction, they would hear it.

Sivart?

Yes, Sivart replied.