Pretending To Be Gay 18

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Chapter 18: Johnny

When Johnny handed me his journal, I shoved it in my bag, hugged him goodbye, and told him I’d read it later. It wasn’t until I was on the plane, with Miles asleep on my shoulder, that I finally cracked it open. The cover was plain, just a spiral notebook, not even a real journal. But inside was Johnny’s handwriting, messy but sort of urgent, like he had to get the words out before they slipped away. I didn't even know he kept a journal before he gave me this, but I guess there was something in it for me to read. There were a lot of pages ripped out, kept just for himself I guess. What was left was a series of notes that were apparently scribbled down in emotional moments.

The first page started:

"I don’t know why I’m writing this, but maybe one day someone will read it. My brother is acting weird around me lately. He probably has no idea how much he means to me. He’s the closest thing to a role model that I have, even when I act like he annoys the shit out of me. Every time he lets me hang around, even just dumb jokes at dinner, I feel like I belong. I honestly look up to him more than anyone."

Later on in another entry:

"I think he has a boyfriend. His friend Miles has been around all weekend, and they can't keep their hands off each other. I always thought he might be gay, since when girls flirt with him at school he usually brushes them off and acts annoyed. This one girl Brittany has been badgering the shit out of him lately. If it were me I'd let her ride my dick. Why not? I think he's gay. Gay for Miles."

The next day:

"Yup. I caught them naked together out in the jacuzzi. Well, I didn't catch them, but I saw them. He was giving Miles a handjob. I know I already had a feeling they were gay, but it was crazy seeing that shit through the window. I'll keep his secret though. I hope he doesn't have trouble coming out to me. I already know what to do. Just tell him that I don't care and that it's cool with me."

Later that same day:

"I let him know, in my own way, that I knew he was gay and that it was cool with me. I could tell he got what I meant. I think it's all gonna be ok."

A few pages in, he wrote:

"Sometimes I hear what he and Miles are doing through the wall. Part of me is grossed out, since it's my brother, but also I’m jealous. Maybe not jealous, but like, I want to have someone like that. Maybe it would be easier if I were gay, like you can have all the sex you want if you’re into guys. Guys just wanna pump out cum all day, but that shit does not interest me at all. At least I think. ChatGPT says being gay is partially genetic, so maybe I have a gay gene too, even if pussy and titties are the only thing that get me going. I don't think I'm gay, but I would try it I guess. I just know I want that connection. And talking to girls is hard. I'll stick to my hand and the instagram thots for now."

Then I hit the vignette that stopped me cold:

"The night my brother was working late downstairs with Mom, Miles came by to pick something up. He passed my room and stopped to say hi. We ended up in my room talking. We sat on my bed and I showed him the youtube video I was watching. He saw on my ipad in the watch history that I had watched some streamer thots with the stupid bunny ears and stuff like that. I could tell he liked it. I guess he's bi or whatever. We talked about them and which streamers we liked best, and I told him we had to stop cuz I was getting a boner. He said he was hard too and said it looked like I was packing. I said his dick looked big too. I know he was my brother's boyfriend, but assumed it wouldn't hurt to compare dicks, maybe see if I was gay after all. I asked if he’d ever compared before. He froze, but said yeah, a million times with friends. He smiled and asked if I wanted to do it too. We both pulled our dicks out. He had the biggest dick I'd ever seen, maybe even bigger than guys in porn. He was way bigger than me. We both laughed when we pulled them out, and I instinctively put on some porn and said we should compare hard. Honestly I was just curious to see how big it would get.”

I had to stop reading here and adjust my throbbing boner in my pants. Miles and I had a blanket over us thankfully, and most of the plane was asleep and the lights were dimmed, so I took a risk and started rubbing myself over my pants. I felt powerless to stop myself. The story he wrote was so good. Taboo, bizarre, and it included Miles during an event that I wasn’t in. Miles woke up next to me and felt what I was doing. He smirked, and his hand traveled under the blanket. He couldn't see what I was reading from his angle, but he helpfully started jerking me off under the blanket as I kept reading.

“We started jerking off watching leaked vids of my fav onlyfans girl. It actually wasn’t weird, since he said he liked her too, and even showed me more of her leaked videos I didn't even know about. When he was fully hard, I was shocked. It looked inhuman and it was surreal that he was so thick and meaty. It was honestly a super fun night. It was just jerking off with a friend who has a common interest in porn girls. I came fast, but Miles just kept going. He said I came a lot, and that it was a good thing. I stayed hard, maybe just from the adrenaline of everything going on, and I started jerking again while he polished his knob. I was having so much fun, but confirmed while we were doing it that I wasn't gay. I only got off to the female body on the screen, but it was a really cool experience and I would do it again. Miles and I jizzed together into a shirt off my floor, then he tucked it in and gave me a fist bump before heading downstairs."

Miles finished me off at that part, letting me pulse into some napkins while I held my moans in. Then he thoughtfully tucked my dick away in my pants for me and fell back asleep as I read on.

"It was a really cool experience. My feelings about it were overall very positive. It was like I was part of their world for a second."

Later entries swung back and forth:

"Sometimes I’m jealous of how close they are. I want to be part of something like that. I feel a bit left out when they close the door to do their gay things. I want to be closer to my brother. Or maybe I'm just bored. I do have plenty of friends. We just have nothing to do together except watch shit online. Maybe I should join sports. But that's a lot of running. Maybe water polo. Meh I don't want to wear a speedo. I know I’m just the little brother, but it would be cool if he saw me as more of a friend."

The last page was a letter to me:

"If you’re reading this, it means I finally gave it to you. A lot of this was stuff I couldn’t say face to face. You mean more to me than you know, and it hit me when you said you were moving across the country for college that I was going to miss the shit out of you. I’m proud of you too. You're a role model to me. Watching you graduate made me realize how much I’ll "feel your absence". This journal was the best gift I could think of, to show you how much you’ve mattered to me. I just wanted you to know it."

I closed the journal and stared out the window, clouds stretching out forever below us. Miles stirred next to me, and asked if I was okay. I just nodded and slipped the notebook back into my bag. I knew I’d never look at Johnny the same way again. Maybe that was the point. He wasn’t just a side character in the story of my life, he’d been there all along, watching, caring, and finding his own way to connect with me. I couldn’t wait to land and call him.