Rape Pill: friends & support

I don’t want to make anyone feel sorry about me. I’m strong enough to get up from mental knees again. I can’t turn back time and change my past, but I can try to change the future for others, at least. I’m writing this chapter not only for victims, but mainly for friends of victims. When you’ll have close person harmed this way – please, just be for them, especially in the very beginning.

I won’t write how it is in such cases, because everyone is different and everyone feels different. Each experience is different, even if it has the same components. I will write about my feelings, my thoughts. Maybe some of harmed persons will read here her or his parts of life.

My very first thoughts, right after the flawed evening, were that I’m worse than everyone else. That I’m dirty. That now, no one will behave normal to me. Because I’m... I don't know, like broken egg. That everyone will reject me, when they will find out this truth. I felt like leper. That all of these were my fault. That’s why it is extremely important to speak right away about what happened. To not hide it in ourselves. To not let it rot inside. But... there can be problem. Very big problem because you’ll never know how you’ll be read. Luckily I’ve had few good Souls, who have known about everything from the very beginning. They have supported me in decisions. They have never judged me. They have always believed in me. And they have reminded me that they exist and they still remember about me. By simple good words, which are more important than everything else in such moment. Simple saying “Hi!”. “You’re great”. “You’re strong”. “I believe in you”. “You’re good”. "You're beautiful". Maybe it sounds silly but such things really helps. When you feel like the worst shit in the world and you want to hide with yourself in the darkest corner with dust, such words bring sparkle. Sparkle to get up. To smile. To catch the beauty of the day. To build yourself again. Or to try at least.

But rejection... it destroys. Even the smallest sign of it. Especially rejection by people who know what happened and people you care about. And I felt such rejection. When I needed simple small talk to feel that I still can be ok in society, few people from this awful meeting, said that they don’t have time for this, they have to make step backward in our “friendship”, they have “trauma” and they have to figure all out in their head. I don’t judge them. I know it’s horrible and difficult situation for all, but for a victim such words make the world collapses... For me during first days it was like an extra solid kick in the stomach when I was on my knees. I started to search for help and understanding somewhere else. I contacted with one feminist non-profit foundation. They listened my story and... rejected me. They had more important stuff to work on. Next days after the talk, I was feeling worse than before this phone-call. Even though formal machine was turned on, I was thinking about retreat. To hide myself. To pretend that it didn’t happen at all... To vanish deep in my own safe reality.

What helped me not to vanish completely in depressed abyss, were duties and my empathic Family. And art! As Vincent van Gogh said “Art is to console those who are broken by life”. And those few Spirits who haven’t rejected me and remembered about me. They’d reminded me how powerful can be my imagination. How strong is my spirit, which creates pictures, inspiring others in the world. That’s why I jumped, even more than ever, into creative reality, in which I treat myself mainly as a tool. To let out enormous amount of emotions, to understand them and put them into right places again.

After some time, I decided to contact with another feminist organization and it was very good step! I regret a bit that it wasn’t my first choice but who could have known... Maja Staśko – amazing kind woman from “Forgetmenot” gave me huge mental, therapeutic and also legal support. Gave me energy to fight on, in moment of deep doubt. I can recommend them with pure heart.

So, as a good friends – please, be for victims. Listen to them. Even when they're quiet. And remind them about values they think they've lost. Especially when they don't ask about help. Opening self and asking about help is extremely difficult.

photo: my great friend and wonderful photographer Magda Russocka