Stupid Sexy Cryptids: [123-125]

123: Rainfall 

I tried to move my legs. They responded, which was a good sign. 

Galateya wiggled on me slightly, gradually releasing me. Her eerie extradimensional wings winked out of existence, leaving only faint, fading rainbows in the air.

She stared up at the branch and flower-dome ceiling, eyes wide and unfocused. "I felt... you. While I was riding you. While you were inside her."

"Entanglement," Sage slurred. "We shared the data stream. High-bandwidth bonking. Efficiency!"

“Insanity, more like it,” Galateya panted and then nuzzled into my embrace. “Ugh. Why did I think that my first time would be normal?”

“Normal’s overrated and boring,” Sage shrugged. She cracked one blue eye open, peering at me. "How you doin’, Emperor? You look like you got put through a blender set to 'puree'."

"I feel like I got torn in half and glued back together," I admitted.

"Technically accurate," Sage grinned. "Side effect of localized reality distortion on a mundane. Your soul got a biiiiiiit stretched. It’ll snap back. Probably."

"Probably?"

"Eh. Fifty-fifty." She reached down, playfully swatting at a pile of pink petals gathering on her toned, wet stomach. "Worth it."

I critically looked down at myself. 

One body. Two hands. Everything seemed to be in the right place, even if my skin felt overly sensitive. An echo of unreality persisted, like an edge of another me. 

“Worth it.” I agreed.

Galateya yawned. A few petals stuck to her damp pink-red crystal-flower-hair. She looked at Sage, then at me, then down at herself and smiled.

"We defeated him," she stated, sounding proud of herself. "We hunted him for six hours. We caught him. We..." She blushed with ruby textures. "We… Had sex."

"Damn right! Teamwork makes the dream work," Sage finger-gunned weakly. “The virgin-ness stat is voided! Broke reality to maximise friction too!”

Galateya opened her mouth to make a comment, then closed it. She looked at the vines, the flowers, the blooming jungle filling the rotting shack. "This place really responds to me. I’ve never been able to bend a place by this much."

"Sagetopia likes you," Sage said. She curled into a ball on the moss. "Entropy likes when Syntropy plays with it. You brought big Syntropy energy, T-bun. You made my dead camp bloom."

I sat up slightly, groaning as my spine popped in three places. The tree-wrapped TVs watched me. Hundreds of fox eyes blinked on the screens.

"So," I said, wiping sweat from my forehead. "Hunt over?"

Sage giggled. "Hunt over. Prey captured. Subdued. Thoroughly licked and bonked."

Galateya nuzzled my shoulder. "Captured. I… captured the Emperor of Humanity." She giggled. 

I wrapped an arm around her. My other hand found Sage, pulling the fox closer until we were a singular pile of warmth.

“We both did,” Sage nodded. 

“At the same time,” Galateya let out. “I still don't understand why…”

“Sagetopia already propped up Ash in the Astral while his mind existed between the Earth and the moon,” Sage said. “So it wasn't too hard for the skulk to split him dimensionally in two again. And as for us…”

She fell silent for a moment.

“I think that we’re the same,” the fox outputted.

“The same… In what way?” Galateya asked. “I’m assuredly not a Skinwalker with fourteen thousand and some souls.”

“I think, and this is a bigly guess by the skulk sniffery, so take it with some salt… I think that we are the same base soul,” Sage stated. “Born in two different dimensions. Two different bodies. Two paths. I’m a child of this world and you’re a bubble-bae. Which is like its own dimension, right?”

“Right,” Galateya nodded. “So, um, how many similar souls are out there then?”

“Oh like an infinite number,” Sage wiggled against me. “Is actually how I got in touch with Omnithornia.”

“How?” I asked, shivering slightly.

“Another me lives there,” Sage said. “My reflection. A reeeeeal smartypants bird. Her name’s Vespera Simmi and she’s a Thunderbird. She assembled an Astral radio for her first year at Skyfall and been tinkering with it, reaching out across infinity. Me and her have been exchanging notes on things for a while now.”

“And there’s other me-s out there too?” I asked.

“Totes.” Sage nodded. 

“That’s kinda weird,” I said.

“Not really.” She shrugged. “The other yous have other bodies, grew up in different Aetheric density, endured other terrible or incredible lives. Sometimes they’re more Syntropic, sometimes more Entropic. Is all good dimensional physics fun. Much variance."

The adrenaline finally bled out of my system. It left behind a weariness in my bones, bruises and a shiver that started at the base of my spine. The moss beneath me was soft, albeit damp, holding the moisture of the valley fog.

"Soooo…. Does Sagetopia have a bathroom? A shower? A towel? Anything civilized?" I wondered.

"Bathroom?" Sage scoffed. "The whole valley is a bathroom, bro. Pick a tree. Any tree. The ferns enjoy the nitrogen."

"I mean a toilet," I corrected. "And plumbing. Hot water."

"Overrated," Sage dismissed the concept. "We lick ourselves clean like civilized apex predators."

"I am not licking myself clean," I stated.

“You’ve two perfectly good Omnid girlfriends to lick you,” she offered, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Galateya made a mildly concerned noise at that. I sighed.

A drop of water hit my forehead. Then another.

Through the gaping hole in the rotting roof, the sky rumbled with thunder. 

Then, the heavens dumped a deluge upon us. Icy, Pacific Northwest rain pounded through the holes into the interior of the shack, soaking the moss, the TVs, and our naked bodies in seconds.

"Cold!” I gasped as the freezing water hit my skin.

"Ack! Darn inconvenient sudden precipitation. T-bun!" Sage squeaked, scrambling to cover her head with her hands. "Fix it! Do the thermodynamic wobbly-woo!"

Galateya hissed, her scales flashing bright orange. She glared at the incoming deluge. Steam erupted instantly. The air filled with thick, white fog as she boiled the rain mid-air.

The water hitting us shifted from freezing to bathwater-warm in a heartbeat. It poured over us in a humid curtain.

"It is still wet," I wiped hot water from my eyes. 

"You complained about the temperature," Galateya huffed, water streaming down her flushed face. "I fixed the temperature. I cannot make this much incoming water instantly dry, Ash."

My stomach let out a rumble.

Sage’s ears perked up. "Ooh. The hunger growl. The regal beast needs fuel."

She rolled off the moss pile and scrambled toward a teetering stack of CRT monitors in the corner. I stared at her alluring behind as she pulled a rotting cabinet open.

"Wardrobe change!" she announced.

Clothes flew through the air.

A wad of fabric hit Galateya in the face. She peeled it off, inspecting the garment with a frown. It was a neon pink t-shirt with glitter text.

"'Thot Patrol'?" the dragon asked, reading the faded letters.

"It is a rank," Sage stated smoothly. "Very prestigious. Put it on. And these." She tossed a pair of grey sweatpants at the dragon.

She rummaged deeper, pulling out a “FOX U” black tank top for herself and a pair of black pants with white stripes.

"And for the Emperor..." She flashed around the wet, mossy cabin, wrinkling her nose. She pulled out a bundle of grey and black fabric from a corner and threw them at me. "Your original gear. Sorry. I kind of shredded it a little during the capture phase and my stuff def’ won't fit you.”

I accepted my clothes. The grey t-shirt had claw marks down the front. The black workout pants were torn at the knee. Dax’s leather boots were muddy and thankfully intact.

I pulled the damp fabric over my skin. It smelled like sweat and was wet and stained with mud.

"Bleh, wet clothes," I muttered, shuddering as I laced up a boot. 

"Shush. You look rugged." Sage pulled her tight pants up. "Like a survivor of a sexy apocalypse hunt. Which you technically are."

The six hours of hiking and running, the dual-consciousness trick, the broadcasting, however long we had sex—it assuredly burned calories I didn't have. I swayed on my feet slightly.

"Okay," Sage said, appearing at my side instantly. "You are running on fumes. We need calories in you before you pass out and I have to explain to the other me-s why I lost my precious Emperor."

"I can walk," I lied.

"Not fast enough."

She swept my legs out. I yelped as the world tilted. Sage caught me, hoisting me into her arms and over her shoulder.

"T-bun, pointman!" Sage ordered, taking off. "Follow me back to the parkin’ lot! Go, go, go!"

Galateya followed, looking somewhat silly in the tight 'Thot Patrol' shirt. She leaped through the broken door, splashing into the mud.

Rain lashed at my face. The warm steam of the shack gave way to the biting cold of the valley. Sage ran with inhuman speed, her clawed feet tearing up the earth. Trees blurred past—dark, looming shapes in the downpour.

I bounced on Sage, feeling tired, useless and heavy. Even in the rain she smelled absolutely fantastic.

"You are pretty dense for a nerd," she panted, leaping over a fallen log without breaking stride.

"Muscle density," I mumbled, closing my eyes against the rain. “I work out. Sometimes.”

"Sure ya do, bud."

We burst out of the tree line and onto the gravel parking lot. My red jank-ass car sat there, a beacon of mediocrity in the gloom.

Sage deposited me next to the driver's side door. I leaned against the metal, fumbling for my keys in the zipped pants pocket. 

My hands shook. I dropped the keys.

Galateya snatched them from the mud before I could bend down. "You are shaking. I will drive."

“You know how to drive a human car?" I asked.

"I have observed," she said confidently, unlocking the door. "It is just steering and pedals. Simple geometry."

"Nu," Sage interjected. "I'll drive.”

She scrambled into the driver seat.

I wobbled aimlessly for a minute and then was pulled by Galateya into the back seat with her.

The seat was cold. The interior smelled like stale fries and old pine air freshener. Galateya looked at me for a few seconds and then wrapped herself around me. Her body ignited with heat, rapidly drying me off. I closed my eyes, leaning into her embrace.

The engine coughed, sputtered, and roared to life.

"To the food!" Sage declared.

She peeled out of the gravel lot, tires spinning.

The drive to Cascade was a blur of windshield wipers slapping against glass.

"Hi," Teya said. Her scales felt fantastically smooth against my arm, feeling like warm, mossy stones baked in the sun. “You’re still shivering? Do you need more heat? Because I can adjust my body to…”

"Nah, you’re pretty warm and cozy already. I'm already dry. Just the adrenaline crash," I yawned. "The hunt catching up to me.”

“So you’re comfortable?”

“Very.”

We both fell silent for a minute. Windshield wipers slapped against the glass, a rhythmic metronome counting down our departure from the spooky wonders of Sagetopia.

"I… earned an answer," Galateya murmured against my shoulder. "One… extra-truthful answer.”

"You earned more than one," I said. "You and Sage won all the questions, Teya. Ask whatever your Fractal Engine heart desires. I’m done hiding things from you."

"Why did you really bond with me?" she asked softly. "Not the political reason. Not the survival reason. Why did you ask me to do the blood pact in the kitchen that day?"

I opened my eyes, watching the rain smear the headlights of passing cars into long streaks of red and yellow.

"Because you looked lonely," I said. "You stood there in your hexasuit, terrified of your great-grandmother, terrified of this world, trying so hard to be the perfect knight. I saw someone who was just as lost as I was when I came back to this empty house."

“You were… lost?”

“Very,” I said. “Before Shady crashed back into my life… I was extra lost. No girlfriend, no IRL friends to hang out with, just a massive mansion to renovate with money I didn’t have. I had a degree I did not care that much about, a legacy I did not understand, and a house full of ghosts. I was waiting for something to happen. Anything." I turned my head to look at her. Violet eyes watched me in the dark interior. "Then a monster crawled out from under my bed. Then a vampire gave me her phone number in a shop. Then a cat with a gun fell from the sky. Then a dragon knocked on my door. You were part of the madness, yes, but it was a good kind of madness.”

"Ah."

"You made me feel needed," I admitted. "Not just as a tool or an Emperor. As a person. You needed a guide. I needed someone to guide."

Galateya made a small, vibrating sound in her chest. “You didn’t guide me that much.”

“I tried to,” I said. “I’m working on it now.”

“We both are,” Sage stated. “Let us be yo’ Earth-guides. Show you the world on our magic carpet n’ shit.”

“You have a magic carpet?” Galateya asked.

“Pfff. No, it’s an Alladin ref,” Sage stated. She began humming the “Let me show you world” theme music from Alladin.

"Another question," Galateya whispered with a soft smile.

"Go ahead," I replied.

"Are you... afraid of us? Like… of Sage with her mind-bending. Me with the ice."

"Yes," I said.

She stiffened.

"A pitch of rational fear is reasonable," I continued. "You're both terrifying in specific ways. You could kill me by accident. You could break my mind or freeze my blood or eat my soul. However, such feelings also make me feel alive. It is better than the gray numbness I felt for years. I would rather be a little scared and loved than safe and empty. Anyways, Shades’ is the scary one. You’re pretty chill in comparison. On the scale of chill-ness I’d put you first, then Nexy, then Sage, then Shades."

"Loved," she repeated the word, testing it.

"Yeah. Loved."

"I think..." She paused, her breath hot on my skin. "I think I can do that. I can do the love thing."

"Good. Because I am going to need a lot of it to survive the future. I only took out one ship, the rest are still out there.”

The car tires crunched over gravel as Sage pulled into the lot behind Books and Nooks. The Victorian house loomed dark against the rainy sky, a warm, yellow glow spilling from the kitchen windows.

"Here we are," Sage announced, killing the engine. "One nommage place with bathroomage.”

124: Family Rule

Rain hammered the metal roof of the car. The back door popped open and Galateya spilled out into the deluge. She straightened, water instantly plastering the neon pink "Thot Patrol" shirt to her skin. She shivered, scales rippling to shed the moisture, and stomped toward the café entrance.

I reached for the door handle.

My hand never made contact.

The driver's seat became empty in a blur of motion.

Sage appeared at the rear door before my brain processed her movement. Rain slicked her hair down instantly. 

"Yoink," she said.

Hands strong as hydraulic clamps gripped me. She hauled me out of the leather interior like a sack of potatoes. I let out an undignified yelp as the world tilted. Rain lashed my face for a split second before Sage tucked me against her chest, carrying me bridal style.

“I can…” I began.

"Noppers," she commented to the storm. "My prize needs express transport."

She kicked the car door shut with a wet thud and bolted.

We cleared the distance to the porch in two strides. Sage clicked at the door, her earrings flashing and the door lock snapped open, the door opening by itself.

Galateya and Sage carrying me went in.

Sage kicked the stained glass door shut with a mud-caked boot heel, sealing us inside the dry, coffee and book scented sanctuary of Books and Nooks.

Rain drummed a frantic rhythm against the glass panes.

"Home sweet lair," Sage sighed. Her face and body rapidly foxed up, red fur blooming all over including the arms holding me.

Galateya looked at Sage, then at me dangling in the fox’s arms.

"Hey, uhm, where’s the bathroom?" the dragon asked. "I’d like to make myself presentable. I fear this shirt is..." She looked down at the glittery text. "...a fashion crime."

"Upstairs, the door on the third floor with foxes on it." Sage chortled. “Bathroom has a poster on it of a fox in a bath.”

“Thanks.” Galateya vanished up the stairs.

Sage looked down at me. Her snout wrinkled, black nose twitching as she took in my scent.

"You look comfy," she yipped. A low, thrumming purr started in her chest, vibrating against my ribs. "Could just carry you upstairs. Put you in my nest. Keep you there… forever."

"First, I would like to eat food that isn't moss or questionable berries," I said, head lolling against her shoulder. "Put me down, Cujo."

"No." She licked my nose. "I caught you. Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Skinwalker law says if I carry you over the threshold, I own your ass. Also, it’s romantic. It’s the trope! Let me enjoy boyfriend benefits damn it!”

I rolled my eyes at her. 

The kitchen door swung open.

Marya stood there. She wore jeans and a flannel shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a messy bun, but a few strands of brown escaped to frame a face.

She stared at us. Her nose twitched.

She inhaled. Once. Twice.

Her eyes narrowed, shifting from brown to shimmering amber.

"Ugh," she groaned. "You two reek."

"We smell like victory!" Sage barked, tail swishing wildly. "And rain! And nature!"

"You smell like sex and swamp water," Marya corrected flatly. She walked around the counter. "And you tracked mud on my floor."

"Mud is an irrelevant point! I acquired a boyfriend!" Sage lifted me slightly, presenting me like a sacrifice or a particularly large fish. "Behold! A man!"

“Hi Marya,” I said.

Marya stopped in front of us. She leaned in, invading my personal space. She sniffed my neck, then grabbed my chin with her free hand, turning my head side to side. 

"Dilated pupils," she noted clinically. "Heart rate elevated. Smell of fox musk all over him." She glared at her sister. "Sage. Did you Charmchain him into a vegetable? Is he enthralled?"

"No!" Sage’s ears flattened. "He likes me! It was a consensual hunt! A romantic kidnapping! You were there!”

"He looks lobotomized," Marya accused. "If you broke his brain, I am not cleaning up the drool."

"My brain is fine," I managed to say. "Just tired."

Marya ignored me, focused on her sister. "He's human, Sage. You blast a human with full-bore Charmchain during... activities... and they turn into love-sick zombies. Look at him. He's letting you carry him like a bride."

"He likes it!" Sage insisted.

"I am too tired to fight gravity," I corrected. “I’m not enthralled, just too tired to resist.”

Marya paused. She looked at me. “You’re sure? You smell pretty devoted.”

“Only the front of my mind,” I said. “The back mind is perfectly capable of… stuff.”

“Prove it.” The older Skinwalker demanded.

"Your sister," I yawned, "has an obsession with garbage televisions and calls it an aesthetic. She has a rotting shack in a forest where she forces guests to wear clothes that insult their intelligence."

"Hey!" Sage looked mildly offended. "Sagetopia is horror-vibes rustic chic! And the Thot Patrol shirt is vintage!”

Marya blinked. The amber faded from her eyes. A corner of her mouth twitched upward.

"You are lucid," she decided, releasing my chin. “I think. Hrm. It’s the damndest thing. You’re mentally completely broken, yet you’re insulting her. Very odd. I’ll have to do more tests later, I suppose.”

“We don't need no tests!” Sage insisted. “I'm not a kid damn it! Quit parent-coptering me! I'm not even a virgin anymore!”

"Uh-huh, good job, Sanguine,” Marya said. “You didn't break him. You’re improving. Remember what mom said…”

“His unbreakable-ness got nothing to do with me, sis,” Sage stated. “Also no.”

“What do you mean no?”

“I’m keeping him forever, is what,” Sage stated. “Forevah. One million years dungeon! He’s my precious!”

"He is temporary,” Marya insisted. “You know the rules, Sanguine. Mom made them for a reason. You play house for a month. Maybe two. Then the hunger gets too loud. Then the affection turns into appetite. Then you start wondering what his soul tastes like."

"I would never!" Sage gasped, clutching me defensively.

“Sup guys, what are we arguing about?” Fennel descended into the dining area. Sage’s brother looked human, wearing a vintage cardigan and holding a half-eaten bagel.

“Sage,” I commented. “I would prefer to stand on my own two feet while we discuss my devouring slash expiration date."

Sage huffed. A sharp exhalation of air ruffled my damp hair. "Fine. Use your leg muscles. Reject my amazingly sexy chivalry."

She slowly released her grip.

My borrowed boots hit the wooden floorboards with a heavy thud. My knees buckled, turned to jelly. I grabbed the edge of the table to keep from face-planting into the linoleum.

"See?" Sage hovered, hands ready to snatch me back up. "Wobbly newborn deer. You need me."

"I am fine," I gritted out, forcing my spine straight. The world spun once, then settled. I flipped over the nearest chair and sat down. “Just a little tired after all the running.”

Sage grabbed the chair opposite me. 

“Guess what, Finn! I got a boyfriend! Told you he wasn’t married!” The fox waved a hand at me.

“Hum?” Sage’s brother stared from me to the fox.

“He’s the dude I told you about a year ago! The nerd-bro from Emerald City comicon! He didn’t write to me cus I was too hot, the friggin’ nerdlet!”

“Don’t blame me. You had too many butt pics online,” I said. 

"It is called marketing!" Sage slammed her hand on the table, rattling the salt shaker. "And it is art! My glutes are sculptures! Do you know how many squats I do? Hundreds. I have an ass of steel."

“What, you actually work out?” I wondered. “Doesn’t your ass self-adjust itself to observer expectations? Hrm. Do fat Skinwalkers even exist?”

“Mom’s getting kinda round.” Sage shrugged, which earned her a glare from her siblings.

“She’d be a sphere if she was a human. Always snacking on her own cakes,” she added. “Doctors hate this one weird trick: be a monster. But for realsies, working out totally helps get stronger. Even if you are a Skinwalker and can already bench press a train.”

“Do you bench press trains?” I wondered. “Are your gym weights made from dark matter?”

“Nah bro,” she said. “I run real fast. Like to Alaska and back in an afternoon. Then, after I’m really mega tired I do squats!”

"I’m not kidding around, Sanguine," Marya stated. "You think this is a game. You think it ends well. It doesn’t."

"It ends with me getting a boyfriend," Sage insisted, crossing her arms. "And maybe a bigger flatscreen TV for Getflix and chill time with my expanded skulk."

"It ends with a funeral," the older sister corrected. She looked at me. "I almost ate my previous boyfriend. The longer you’re with someone, the worse the urge gets.”

I stared at her.

“We are monsters, Ash,” Marya sighed. “We consume. We mimic. We pretend. But the damned hunger always wins. Always. You smell like sweat and adrenaline now. Novelty. Excitement. Give it a month. You will smell like food. Just food. A walking sack of protein waiting to be unzipped.”

“One day she won’t be able to fight it and… crunch,” Fin pantomimed. “Nom nom nom.”

“Ash is different,” Sage insisted. “He has… three other girlfriends! Two Omnids and one prad!”

“What?” Fin chortled. He sniffed me. “Hrm. True. You’ve got some kind of harem going, dude?”

“Sorta… I guess.” I shrugged. “Haven’t gotten eaten thus far. I probably taste terrible. High cholesterol. Microplastics."

"He jokes," Marya observed, shaking her head. "He stares into the mouth of the wolf and makes quips."

Fennel took a bite of his bagel. "Let the boy breathe, Mare. If Sage eats him, we just hide the bones in the septic tank like the last one."

"There was no last one!" Sage yelped. "Stop ruining my date! Shoo! Wait, no. No shoo. Please make noms, we’re starved from the forest bonkage."

Footsteps thudded down the stairs. 

Galateya descended. She looked dry and presentable, once again wearing the pink frilly dress designed by Kawathra.

“Awww, you’ve forsaken the funny shirt,” Sage complained.

“It seemed like too much for hanging out with your family,” Galateya stated. “Also, hello. It’s good to see you all again. I, urm… Sorry I froze your restaurant earlier today.”

“S’fine,” Fin said. “Glad you’re feeling better and that the forest hunt worked out.”

Sage got off her chair, grabbed a third chair and pushed Galateya onto it. Then she got into the dragon's personal space and nuzzled against her. “Hugses?”

Galateya wrapped her hands around the Skinwalker, blooming with green moss all over.

“T-bun, you’ll protek me from anyone, right?” Sage whispered. “BFFs forever?”

“What am I protecting you from?” Galateya wondered.

“These two meanies,” Sage huffed in the direction of her siblings.

“Sage…” Marya began. “I’m not being mean. I’m just clarifying things for you. Skinwalkers and humans can’t have long term relationships. This is a simple fact of life. Humans have no soul defenses like Omnids. Even if Galateya and his other girlfriends watch him twenty four seven you’re going to snap one day and…”

“Chew his face off,” Fin added. "He's already looking like he lost a box match with ten kangaroos."

I scratched an aching bruise on my chest.

"Right now, he smells like sweat and rain. Pheromones. It registers as attractive. Exciting." Marya’s nostrils flared. "But give it time. The novelty fades. The biological imperative kicks in. The sweat stops smelling like sex and starts smelling like marinade."

Fennel nodded. "Like bacon frying in the next room when you haven't eaten in three days. You start salivating when they walk in. You start staring at their arteries instead of their eyes."

"I have amazing self-control!" Sage protested, burrowing deeper into Galateya's side. “The cafe has consistent customers, you ain’t eating them!”

“We don’t sleep with our customers,” Fin clarified. “The fluid exchange begins the process, sex entwines souls.”

Sage gritted her teeth. I drummed my fingers on the table. 

"You're wrong," I said.

Marya scoffed. "Oh, the human kobold explains our biology to us. Please, professor. Educate me."

"You eat souls because you're starving for connection," I stated. "Same principle as the Wendigos. They feed on fear because it's a high-octane emotion that bridges the gap between their astral nature and the physical world. You guys? You feed on intimacy. Souls are just... the dense, final nugget of intimacy. The whole package wrapped in skin."

The older sister stared at me.

"You eat the whole cake because you don't know how to just eat a slice," I continued, leaning forward. "You binge. You purge. You kill the host. It's inefficient. Sustainable harvesting doesn't mean eating the livestock. It means milking the cow, keeping the cow alive.”

"Did he just call himself a cow?" Fennel asked Sage.

"A very sexy cow," Sage muffled into Galateya's hand.

“We don’t eat anyone,” Marya stated coldly. “We break up with humans as soon as the urge begins. We don’t let it grow.”

“Do you know how to keep a detached soul alive inside you?” I asked.

“Not possible,” Marya said.

“Yeah,” Fin agreed. “That's simply not how Skinwalkers work.”

I glanced at Sage. She melted deeper into Galateya and then seemed to build up her courage. “I can keep a soul alive in me without dissolving it.”

Marya looked like someone had just told her that gravity was optional and she’d been walking on the floor like a sucker for seventy years. “You… what?” 

125: Tower room

“I keep them,” Sage said. “In the Skulk. In my forest domain. They just… hang out. Run around. Watch TV.”

“Imposs…” Fin began.

Sage unclipped her collar. Reality around her wobbled with flickers of eyes. Fennel choked and then dropped his bagel, then caught it before it hit the floor, hand blurring in the air.

“Jesus Christ. H-how many souls are you keeping alive in there?” Marya asked, trembling and taking a step back from Sage.

“Over nine thousand,” Sage stated.

“Abyss! You have a legion of the dead inside you? Sis, that’s like… digestion constipation on a metaphysical scale!” Fin stated.

“It’s not constipation!” Sage pulled away from the dragon, indignation overcoming her sibling-shyness. “It’s a community! A collective! My CPU!”

“It’s loud,” Marya breathed, rubbing her temples, blinking at the shimmering sea of fox eyes above Sage. “God, it’s so loud. Like a stadium full of screaming fans. How do you… how do you think? How do you function without your brain melting out of your ears?”

Sage shrugged. “Got used to it. It’s white noise. Fox noise. Took many years, since I kept my very first fox intact.”

“Well sheeet,” Fin said. “I’m… convinced. Mom’s gonna throw a fit if she finds out.”

“You gonna tell her?” Sage asked.

“Hell naw,” Fin said. “I ain't dealing with that fallout. You can tell her yourself whenevs you introduce your new ‘ships to her and stuff.”

Marya nodded.

My stomach growled again. Sage snapped her collar back on. Marya glanced at me. “Right then. You’re clearly hungry. What would you three like for dinner? We’ve got plenty of stuff in the back. Steaks, croissants, salads.”

"A balanced diet of champions," Sage chirped. “We’ll take steakses and breadses.”

Marya moved. She blurred.

One moment she stood by our table. The next, she was in the kitchen and four massive ribeyes hit the butcher block with a wet, heavy slap. A knife appeared in her hand. It moved with ninja speed, trimming fat.

Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

"Want them cooked, how?" She glanced at us, the knife point hovering over the red meat.

"Cooked," I said. "Please apply heat. Fire is good. I am not a cryptid. Medium-rare.”

"Medium-rare," Galateya requested politely.

"Bloody as hell," Sage bobbed. "Just show it the fire and threaten it."

"Make that two bloody as hell," Fennel added.

“On it.” Marya grabbed a huge cast-iron skillet. She slammed it onto the gas range. Blue flames roared up, licking the black metal. Butter hit the pan, sizzling and foaming instantly. The steaks followed.

The sound was aggressive. A violent hiss of searing meat filled the kitchen. Smoke billowed up, thick and smelling of iron, rendered fat, and rosemary.

She tossed croissants onto a baking sheet and shoved them into the salamander oven. Greens flew into a bowl. Vinaigrette splashed down in a golden arc.

"So," Fennel leaned back, chewing on his bagel remnant. "You collect girlfriends."

“Yep.”

“Where you working at to afford to feed them all? Specially Sagie?”

"Got a degree in electrical engineering," I said. "Systems architecture. Now I... freelance."

"Freelance," Fennel rolled the word around. "Right. Freelance harem protagonist. Does it pay well?"

"The benefits are in high cardio," Sage answered for me.

"It pays in survival," I added.

Marya flipped the steaks. Grease spit into the air. She didn't flinch. She grabbed the hot croissants with her bare hand, seemingly immune to the heat, and dumped them into a basket.

Plates slid across the table. Heavy ceramic discs spinning to a halt in front of us.

The raw steaks landed with heavy thuds first. It oozed red juices into the white porcelain. A pile of arugula landed next to it, glistening with oil. Then the croissants and salads arrived.

Sage and her brother dug into the steaks. Galateya and I began on the croissants and Cesar salads.

Then our steaks came too. It wasn't just food. It was life support.

The meat was charred on the outside, cool and red in the middle. The iron tang of blood mixed with the rich, salty fat exploded on my tongue. I didn't chew so much as inhale.

Galateya ate with more dignity, sending me cute, happy glances.

"So," Marya leaned against the counter, watching us feed. She hadn't made a plate for herself. "You keep thousands of fox souls. Inside you."

"Yup," Sage muffled around a mouthful of beef.

"And this human," she pointed a spatula at me. "Is okay with it."

Sage swallowed a massive chunk of meat without chewing. "He is an enabler. The best kind!"

"Aight buds," Fennel stood up with a yawn. "I'm going to bed. If you eat him, clean the sheets. I just did laundry."

"I am not eating him!"

Fennel winked at me with a smile and vanished up the stairs.

We finished in silence, the only sounds the scrape of cutlery and the wet tearing of meat. I cleared my plate. Then I ate the second croissant. Then I considered licking the ceramic.

"Done?" Marya asked.

"Yes. Thank you. That was... excellent."

"Aight," she said, grabbing my plate. "Off you go then. Good night. Do not howl."

"No promises on the howling," Sage winked. She grabbed my hand and dragged me toward the stairs. Galateya followed, looking slightly sleepy and satisfied.

We climbed.

Sage stopped at a door at the end of the tower stairwell. It was plastered with stickers. Intel Inside. Warning: Biohazard. A faded poster of a fox sitting in a teacup. A crude drawing of a stick figure with fox ears eating a ghost. Fox-shaped runes carved across the entire door and doorframe.

"Behold," she announced, kicking the door open. "The command center!"

We walked in.

It was a disaster. A beautiful, curated, disaster.

The room spanned the entire attic. The ceiling sloped sharply, creating dark, triangular alcoves.

Monitors dominated the space. Dozens of them. Some were mounted on the walls. Some sat on milk crates. Some dangled from the rafters on chains. Cables snaked across the floor like black vipers, tangled in random knots that would make an IT professional weep.

The walls were covered in colorful postcards featuring foxes with gold runes drawn atop.

Piles of clothes formed distinct geological layers on the floor. A large beanbag chair sat in the corner. A plethora of sex toys were scattered about. A violin sat on a shelf. A strip club pole stood in the middle, supporting the ceiling.

A mattress sat directly on the floor, surrounded by a fortress of pillows and fox plushies and sketchbooks. Dreamcatchers hung everywhere. 

So many dreamcatchers, covered in gemstones, twinkling in the dark connected by silver strands like spider webs.

"It is... cozy," Galateya said, stepping carefully over a bundle of ethernet cables.

"It is a fire trap," I corrected.

“Naw. The ward runes prevent fires.” Sage beamed. She flopped onto the mattress. Dust motes danced in the air upon impact. "Shoes off. Pants banned. Napping mandatory."

I kicked off my boots. My feet throbbed with relief. I peeled off the damp socks. I kicked the offending fabric balls into a corner already occupied by a mountain of dirty laundry that looked like a definite fire hazard waiting for a spark.

My bare feet slapped against the shag carpet, navigating the treacherous snake-pit of ethernet cables. 

I shoved the bathroom door open. The bathroom was fairly basic, featuring a toilet, sink and a shower. I gripped the porcelain edges of the sink, staring into the cracked mirror.

The reflection showed bloodshot eyes sunk deep into dark sockets. Forest detritus caked into my hairline. A large bruise blossomed purple and yellow along my jawline. More scratches and bruises everywhere. 

I looked like I’d gone ten rounds with a cement mixer.

I relieved myself.

Then I scrubbed my hands with a bottle of orange pumice soap. I splashed water on my face, gasping as the cold liquid hit hot skin.

Better. Marginally.

I opened the door, intending to find a towel or a flat surface to die on.

A wall of steam hit me.

The attic had transformed in time I spent in the bathroom. Thick, humid fog obscured the monitors, turning the glowing screens into hazy lighthouses in a digital sea. 

Lit candles framed a massive heart-shaped jacuzzi tub in a corner framed with broken mirror shards shaped like dancing foxes. I hadn't noticed it before, probably because it had been covered by a tarp. Now, the tarp was gone, pushed aside.

A wet hand shot out of the mist.

Sage materialized from the steam. Naked. Wet. Heartstoppingly beautiful, about eighty percent human and twenty percent fox, freckles shaped like falling raindrops. She pulled me into the jacuzzi with a mind-melting smile.

“This seems even more of a safety hazard,” I stated. “Cables and a Jacuzzi tub?”

“Is fine,” Sage stated. “The wards make sure nothing sparks or breaks. It’s a tight ship yo.”

“Nice to have magic, I guess.” I commented.

"T-Bun!" Sage yelled, the sound echoing off the sloped ceiling rafters. "Get your scaled ass in the stew! This broth needs rainbow seasoning!"

Galateya's naked form shifted through the mist. The Taniwha stepped up to the edge of the heart-shaped humongous tub. I had no idea how Sage got it up here. The round stained glass windows and door definitely didn't allow for such.

Teya cautiously dipped one clawed toe into the bubbling water. 

"Sit. Join,” Sage encouraged. “Be the broth base."

I slumped against the acrylic side of the tub. The jets pummeled my aching back muscles. Heat seeped into my bones, melting the residual chill of the rain. I closed my eyes, letting my head loll back against the rim.

Galateya shyly stepped in.

The water level rose, some of it escaping to spill over the edge onto the tangle of high-voltage cables and extension cords. As marketed by Sage no sparks had occurred. Instead, fox-shaped runes nearby flickered and the water simply vanished from existence, not reaching the electric disaster.

Galateya settled opposite me, tail curling around her ankles underwater like a protective reef. Her scales flushed a deep, embarrassed crimson before settling into a contented, warm orange-gold.

"Soap time!" Sage announced.

A sponge slapped against my chest.

Sage went to work with the energy of a car wash attendant on a deadline. She scrubbed my arms, my chest, my neck. The sponge was rough. Her claws scraped pleasantly against my skin through the foam. She washed away the mud, the forest debris, the sweat, the lingering scent of fear and adrenaline.

"Lift," she ordered.

I lifted an arm. She scrubbed the pit.

"Other one."

I complied. 

"Turn."

I turned. She attacked my back, digging into the knots along my spine with the sponge and her knuckles. It hurt. It felt amazing. Serenity pounded from her like a hammer of liquid love.

"Your turn, T-bun," Sage tossed the sponge across the water.

Galateya caught it with a wet smack. She hesitated, looking at me.

"Wash him," Sage encouraged, sinking down until only her nose and eyes remained above the bubbles. "Claim him with suds."

Galateya moved closer. Her legs brushed against mine beneath the churning water. Hard scales against soft skin.

Where Sage was efficient and rough, Galateya was reverent. She traced the muscles of my chest with the sponge, squeezing warm water over my shoulders. Her claws retracted, leaving only soft fingertips to massage the soap into my skin. She focused on the bruise along my jawline, cleaning it with tender, cautious strokes.

"You are... very damaged," she whispered, tracing a scratch on my collarbone. “I… can’t help but feel responsible for some of these bruises.”

“S’fine,” I mumbled, eyes half-open. The steam made everything hazy, dreamlike. Sage wiggled her big, fluffy fox ears above the water, leering at us.

"I will be gentler next time," Teya promised.

“Next time,” I agreed, yawning. “Next time… somebody else can get chased and shot with paintballs… maybe Nexy and Shady.”

“Yessss,” Teya grinned wide with dragon chompers. “I like the sound of that… Mmmm… Justice.”

"Justice!" Sage whispered conspiratorially, gliding through the water towards us like a foxy shark with lewd intentions.