Stupid Sexy Cryptids [68, 69]

68: UwUs

I once again admired the three fantastic, custom gun bodies fabricated by Kawathra. They looked human-ish, with a pitch of surreal, otherworldly quality, hopefully enough to bamboozle the Wendigo High Command into thinking that wizards were real.

Arachnids Man cracked jokes at Professor Doomsday. Baba Yaga hunched with her wooden staff. Her wrinkled face was perhaps the most unsettling. It looked too detailed, too lived-in for someone that had been born today.

“Great job Kawhy,” I commented. “You’re pretty talented when it comes to fabrication. A real artist!”

“Why thank you, Ash,” Kawathra bowed. “I didn’t know I had it in me!”

"Shades," I turned to Shady, who was lounging on the crystalline couch with Nexxali draped across her and my lap. "Why exactly did you invite Sillicia to a date instead of just a casual hangout?"

Shady shrugged, tail swishing lazily. "Wanted to make it sound more fun! If Sillicia actually likes me—or even thinks she does—then maybe I can shake some nice things out of her."

"Nice things like?" 

"Like some of her vampire thrall cubes," she grinned. "She’s got like four hundred worth in storage. Or other useful resources. Who knows? A Commander who thinks you're interested in her romantically is way more... generous than one who just sees you as another crabby superior officer."

"Did not expect this much manipulation outta you this soon,” I commented.

“Das’ how I roll,” Shady shrugged, kneading Nexxali with her claws.

"It’s a good strategy," Nexxali purred as Shady scratched behind her ears. "Good Omnid politics. Every interaction is a potential resource exchange!"

I pursed my lips thinking about potential problems and logistics. "Speaking of used up resources—Nexy, you mentioned us slaughtering forty vampire thralls to the Legate and we kinda spent our vamps on sprays and gun mods. Kawthy, how are we handling that?"

The magpie looked up from her holo-charts. "Already solved that! I spread them as fake data entries—'crystalloid materials used to improve various Corpse Seeker internals.' As long as other Datamancers don't physically inspect Seeker Kappa or Zeta, it shouldn't raise any eyebrows."

"And if they do inspect?"

"They won't," Kawathra said confidently. "Not unless we give them a reason to inspect these two units in person. Datamancers are prone to sitting around and looking at data. I’m only down here because I found a juicy consort I wanted to claim. Standard protocol is: whatever Division uncovers vampires gets to use the harvested materials for self-improvement. The fleet command usually takes a percentage cut in O-bux if a Division uses crystalloid strata for their equipment upgrades, but the actual resource management and inspection process gets done by a single local Datamancer. Which is me.”

“Kawathra is a Slayer-sent helper,” Nexxali agreed. “We'd be much less capable without her.”

“A quality clever birb,” Shady agreed. 

The magpie smiled and puffed up, clearly loving the praise.

I turned my attention back to Shady. "Aight, bigger picture question. What happens when you actually claim Earth publicly to the Admiral? What are the potential repercussions?"

"Depends on how I frame it and who believes what,” she replied.

"Walk me through the scenarios," I said.

"Best case," she began, holding up one dark, clawed finger, "the Fleet Command accepts my claim, Aunt Evely backs off, and Earth becomes my recognized domain under Frontenachii colonial law. I get autonomy to manage it however I want with a Baroness and many assigned or chosen Governesses and Secretaries below me.

"And worst case?"

"Worst case, the Admiral and Legates refuse to back down or the Empress herself gets involved," Shady's silver eyes dimmed slightly. "They decide I'm too young, too inexperienced to manage an entire planet, or too much of a liability. The Admiral strips my claim, assigns Earth to someone more 'reliable,' and I'll probably get dragged back to the Corpse-God Citadel for 'reeducation.'"

"Reeducation?" 

"Magical conditioning," Nexxali supplied grimly. "Personality adjustment. Basically they'd break her mind with their hooks and rebuild her to be more... Proper Frontenachii Princess."

"Yeah, that's not happening," I said firmly.

"No, it's not," Shady agreed. "I'm not leaving my cute kitty, or Ashy, or this planet to be resource-managed by some absolute cunt.”

“Kawthy, what's the most likely outcome?” I asked the Datamancer.

Kawathra bobbed her head. "From a data perspective, this Earth is rapidly becoming a net negative for resource extraction. The false positive rate on vampire scans alone is going to cause massive drain and personnel dependency. Unfortunately, from what I read, the Admiral is already super set on Pleasure World plans and the Legates are in agreement. They will not back down just because the Princess has a prior domain claim… Not unless you crush them your incredible psychic powers, Emperor.”

“I don't want to reveal my psychic powers to Fleet Command,” I shrugged. “I wish to understand them and beat them slowly with human cleverness, acting as a mere mundane. Their defeat will be so much sweeter if I make them bow to me without resorting to omnipotence.”

“You are a truly noble being, my Emperor,” Kawathra nodded, offering me a bow. “I am quite glad that you, the Marshal and our Princess care for each other so much. Without such I'd fear for what you would do to the Frontenachii and their pradavarian kobolds. Thank you for offering us a chance to show you that we are not all human-splicing monsters. Thank you for letting me claim a local consort. Thank you for not exterminating us all.”

Yep. Kawthy was extra-set on thinking of me as the all-mighty Emperor of Earth.

Shady chortled. “Ashy is too sweet to exterminate us.” She drew me into her embrace, smooshing me all over and making cooing noises as if I was a particularly adorable puppy.

“Hey gals,” I arrived at another question when Shady released me from her grabby paws, “what do you all eat when you're not raiding a planet with pubs and shops?"

Kawathra's eyes lit up. "Oh! Would you like a demonstration?"

"Sure." I agreed, thinking that she was going to 3D print a rare steak or something.

The magpie hopped over to one of Kappa's crystalline walls and tapped a sequence. A section of the wall rippled and opened, revealing a hexagonal, glowing orange vent connected to a black-hexagon bone organ that glowed with mind-melting colors deep within the Corpse Seeker's structure.

"This vent directly connects to the main dragonheart reactor core," Kawathra explained. "The venting system... well, you'll see them in a few seconds."

She manipulated the interface again, and I heard a strange chittering sound from within the vent.

"What is that?" I asked, feeling somewhat alarmed as Shady and Nexy's ears rotated towards the sound, eyes igniting.

"UwUs!" Kawathra announced cheerfully.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked.

"UwUs! Capital U, little w, capital U. Modded organisms that live in the reactor core. They feed on residual magrad dragonheart emissions. Perfectly safe, very nutritious, and—"

The vent rumbled and colorful creatures began spilling out of it like fruit cornucopia.

They were... bizarre. Spherical bodies about the size of softballs, covered in iridescent fuzz that shifted between pink, violet and blue. Each one had three, spider-like spindly legs, and two large, squinty eyes and cat-like nose that gave them a cute appearance. They made a sound like "uwu uwu uwu" as they skittered across the floor.

"What the shit!" I lifted my feet up as the creatures scattered in all directions.

The reaction from the girls was instantaneous and… primal.

Shady's eyes went wide, silver, glowing pupils dilating. "Yums!"

Nexxali's tail stood upright. Her body tensed like a coiled spring, then she leapt off us like a wild cat, serval instincts taking over completely.

Shady launched herself off the couch, landing on all fours as she pounced on a cluster of UwUs. Her massive jaws snapped shut around three of them at once, and I heard a satisfying crunch as she chewed enthusiastically, spraying violet-rainbow juices across her face and the floor.

Nexxali began rolling about, batting at UwUs with her claws, playing with them briefly before killing them with hard bites to their spherical bodies. Her purr rumbled through the entire Seeker.

Kawathra's head tilted sharply, tracking the movement of the creatures, tail and head feathers fluttering out like crowns. The magpie abandoned all pretense of professionalism and dignity and hopped after the nearest UwU talons extended, spearing it and lifting it to her beak to devour it mercilessly.

I stared at the primal-feast in front of me with a wide open mouth. My girlfriends, and our Datamancer demolished the UwU population with the kind of dramatic intensity that befitted angry lions at a gladiatorial combat colosseum.

The three gun-persons also curiously watched the brawl.

"Uh," Arachnids Man voiced. "Should we... help?"

"DOOM does not engage in such undignified behavior," Professor Doomsday declared.

Baba Yaga cackled. "Let them enjoy the glory of the hunt! Is natural, da? Predator and prey dance, the eternal circle of life!"

"Kawthy," I called out as a few more UwUs fell out of the vent. "How many of these damn things do you usually release?

"About fifty!" she chirped between kills, hopping across the Seeker interior with fluttering feathers. "Standard meal portion for three personnel!"

Shady looked up from her feast, face covered in glowing, shimmering ichor. "Ashyyyy! Try one! They're delicious!"

"I'm... I'm good, thanks."

Nexxali pounced on a particularly fast UwU that had tried to escape up the wall. "Your loss! They taste like crystallized stars, happiness and victory!"

"That doesn’t sound like a real flavor." I commented.

"Nu-huh! It totally is!" she declared, chomping down hard.

Within five minutes, the UwU population had been almost entirely decimated. The girls sat in a rough circle, licking ichor from their claws and looking extremely satisfied.

"That's fleet food, huh," I commented. "Cute… reactor parasites?"

"Yep!" Kawathra looked pleased with herself. "Very sustainable. They reproduce rapidly in the heart-core, feed on waste energy, and provide excellent nutrition. Plus, the hunting is good enrichment."

"You look... very enriched," I agreed, staring at their rainbow blood-splattered bodies.

"We're predators, Ashy." Shady licked her claws and then Nexxali's face. "We need to hunt. Otherwise we get antsy and start chewing on furniture or each other."

"Yep,” Nexxali added, licking Shady. "Prads get… irate without the daily hunt.”

Baba Yaga speared a stray UwU with her cane. "Perhaps one, for tasting. To understand the prey of my dark Lady Empress."

“Gross, dude,” Arachnids Man let out.

"Little creature," the gun-witch murmured, examining it. "You have three legs for three fates. Past, present, future. All ending in stomach, da?"

She bit down. The UwU made one final sad "uwu" before being consumed.

"Mm. Tastes of deep sorrow," Baba Yaga declared. "Is good."

I eyed Kawathra.

“The gun bodies can eat, as you requested,” the bird clarified.

Shady moved over to where I sat, nuzzling against my side. Then, her eyes locked onto a particularly plump UwU that survived the initial massacre, skittering from under the organic-crystal couch.

"Ashy needs to try!" Shady declared, pouncing on it.

"I really don't—"

She snatched the creature mid-scuttle, holding it up triumphantly. The UwU continued its soft chirping, looking unconcerned about its imminent fate.

"Shady, I'm not eating a—"

With one smooth motion, Shady extended a single claw and bisected the UwU lengthwise. The creature didn't even struggle, splitting cleanly in half with a wet squelch. Violet-tinted, ringed flesh glistened inside the iridescent shell like the innards of a spider cut in half.

I felt my stomach turn. "Nope. Absolutely not."

"Can't eat it raw, hum?" Shady mused, as if that was my primary concern. 

"He is a delicate human. Set it on fire for him for a bit!” Nexxali suggested with a giggle.

Shady carried the sliced creature over to the thermal vent hole. The orange glow from a panel intensified as she held the UwU segment over it. The violet flesh began to sizzle and brown, releasing a smell that was... Kind of like grilled meat.

"There!" Shady presented the cooked UwU half to me with pride, snipping off and crunching on the charred legs. "Proper human food preparation! Warmed it up for ya! Praise my cooking skills!”

"Uhhhhh...." I stared at the charred half-sphere. The violet color darkened to something closer to well-done beef.

69: Life Cycle

"I can't believe I'm considering eating this," I muttered.

"Just try a small bite!" Nexxali encouraged. "It won't kill you. They are made for all species to enjoy, modded by an egghead Thunderbird!"

"Not reassuring."

"DOOM supports this experiment," Professor Doomsday intoned.

I glanced at the gun villain.

"DOOM will wait to see if you survive this first," he commented.

I took the UwU half gingerly, trying not to think about its three legs or its eyes or the sounds it had been making a minute ago. It was warm in my hand, the exterior crispy from the heat.

"Come on," Shady encouraged, prodding me with a claw.

"Fine. One bite."

I bit into the UwU.

The texture was... Ordinary and easy to chew. Like a cross between steak and something starchier. I chewed slowly, waiting for some horrible alien flavor to assault my taste buds.

Instead, I tasted... perfectly seasoned ribeye. And potatoes. Inexplicably, one after the other.

"What the hell?" I said, taking another bite. "This tastes like steak and potatoes. How does it taste like two separate foods?"

"Ah! That's the psycho-mimetic properties!" Kawathra fluttered.

"The what now?"

"UwUs have evolved and were further modified to taste like whatever the consumer's mind expects or desires most," the magpie explained. "It's an adaptive survival strategy for their species. Well, survival in the sense of perpetuating their life cycle, not individual survival."

I paused mid-chew. "What?"

"UwUs want to be eaten," Kawathra clarified. "Their entire reproductive cycle depends on it. When consumed, the microscopic egg-cores embedded in their flesh survive digestion. They pass through the digestive tract and—"

"Please don't say what I think you're about to say."

"—get flushed down the waste disposal system!" Kawathra continued, oblivious to my escalating discomfort. "The eggs then make their way through the Seeker’s recycling channels and into the dragonheart reactor core, where the thermal energy and Aetheric radiation cause them to bloom into new UwUs. It's a beautifully efficient symbiotic relationship!"

I stared at the half-eaten UwU in my hand.

"So you're telling me," I stated slowly, "that these damn things evolved to be eaten?"

"Exactly!" Kawathra bobbed enthusiastically. "The Frontenachii Empire has been cultivating UwUs as a baseline food for a long time. They are a perfect sustainable fleet food source! Self-replenishing, adaptable flavor profile, and they serve a secondary function in reactor temperature regulation. Cheaper and more fun than printing food!"

"TMI," I said flatly. 

Shady grinned. Nexxali snickered. "What, you don't want to think about the complete life cycle of your dinner?"

"No. No, I do not."

“Seems like you’re judging our food more than I’m judging your picked eggs and bowtie pasta, Ashy,” the serval laughed. 

“Mmmm.” Shady munched on her own UwU half. "Adorable human squeamishness."

"There is nothing natural about psychic flavor-changing toilet parasites," I protested, taking another bite. The damned UwU tasted unnecessarily delicious—now with a hint of garlic butter that definitely wasn't there a moment ago.

I licked the UwU again. Now I could swear it tasted slightly like my grandmother's pot roast.

"This is so weird."

"Weird but delicious!" Shady pointed out. "See? I take good care of my Ashy. Making sure he's fed properly."

I made a sour face. “Gee, thanks.”

Arachnids Man piped up: "With great nutrition comes great... uh... digestive responsibility?"

I rolled my eyes at his ridiculous quip and I finished the remainder of UwU half. Even the fuzzy shell was delicious, tasting like freshly baked bread.

"What’s with the face?" Shady grinned. "It's very consensual."

"I don't think consent applies to organisms that exist solely to be consumed and born through waste systems."

"DOOM finds your squeamishness... amusing," Professor Doomsday observed. "Surely the Emperor of Earth has witnessed stranger cycles of life?"

"Haven’t left this planet yet,” I said. “Earth biology is weird, but it's not 'please eat me so I can be reborn in a magic reactor via your toilet' weird."

Baba Yaga cackled. "Every creature serves purpose, da? UwU serves by being delicious. A noble calling!"

"It's a parasitic life cycle dependent on spacefaring predators," I said.

"Symbiotic," Kawathra insisted. "They provide nutrition, we provide transportation and incubation facilities. Everyone wins!"

"Except the individual UwUs that get eaten."

"They love getting eaten! It's basically, isekai reincarnation with extra steps and a brief toilet intermission." Shady laughed, swatting me with her tail. 

“I’m so done with this conversation,” I rubbed my face.

. . .

-=[Aquillianne Quantivia Frontenachii]=-

Princess Aquillianne Quantivia Frontenachii, or Shady as her family and friends dubbed her, sat in Corpse Seeker Kappa's command chamber, watching the sun paint the Pacific forest in shades of dying gold.

Her thoughts moved like water trying to remember the shape of ice, wiggled and tumbled in unexpected directions, escaping her grasp into everywhere and nowhere.

Focus. Stay focused. What was I thinking about?

She reached out with her mental hooks, finding the serval’s consciousness. Her Knight Maid’s mind was structured, organized, solid in ways Shady's fractured psyche could not manage alone. Through their connection, Shady borrowed that structure, used it to anchor herself to rigidity, clarify and understanding.

Without Nexxali, Shady's thoughts scattered like dandelion seeds in wind. Circle thoughts. Square thoughts. Beep thoughts. They spiraled away from her, fragmenting into nonsense unless she actively pulled them all through the connection to her kitten's organized mind.

Am I myself? she wondered, not for the first time today. Or am I an extension of Nexxali? Or perhaps is she an extension of me?

The question didn't frighten her as much as it should have. A Wendigo Princess, taught from birth to be independent, supreme, filled with power from thousands of blood-bound kobolds—reduced to relying on a single serval's mind just to think in straight lines.

Those kobolds were gone now. Severed, leaving her... diminished. Hollowed out.

And so, so hungry.

Not for food. Not for UwUs or any physical sustenance. She was hungry for magic. For the fear that powered her abilities, the terror that should flow from her kobolds to her fractal engine heart in an endless stream.

This Earth's low, linear Aetheric density made everything worse. Like trying to breathe in a room with barely any air. Every psychic ability required ten times the effort it should, every hook she extended felt like pushing through mud.

She suppressed the urge to terrorize everyone around her. 

She wanted more. Wanted to stalk, corner each person, threaten, break them all, watch their eyes widen with primal fear as her true nature manifested—

No, she told herself firmly, filtering herself again through Nexxali's thought patterns. Bad Princess. Ashy doesn't like that. Nexy doesn't like that. Kawthy wouldn't like that. We're being good. We're being kind. Sweet. I can do this. I must do this.

I must adapt! Dr. Greyfield taught me at Skyfall that every Omnid can adapt themselves to any world, it only takes persistent dedication and focus. Focus! I have to focus!

"My Lady?" Kawathra's voice pulled Shady's focus out of her wobbly mind into the present. "Commander Sillicia's glider is approaching."

Shady rose smoothly. Large, printed diamond-chains jingled across her antlers, neck and wrists. She looked every inch the royal heir she was supposed to be.

Except I'm broken, she thought. So very broken and barely functional. Held together by cat thoughts and love.

Through the Seeker's transparent sections and screens, she watched a personal glider descend to the roadside coordinates they'd provided. A figure dismounted—Commander Sillicia Frontenachii, black fur and antlers distinctive even from this distance.

Sillicia sent the glider back with a gesture, then stood waiting, looking around the road, posture radiating nervous anticipation.

Shady felt Nexxali's consciousness shift in her mind, helping organize her thoughts for the performance ahead. Remember the script. Stay in character. You're the brilliant Empress who's been guiding Earth for millennia. Confident. Powerful. In control!

In control. Brilliant. Confident. Empress. Shady repeated mentally, clinging to the concept like a lifeline, pushing the barely cooperative soul-shard to the forefront of her mind like a shield held upright with Nexxali’s aid.

Kappa surged forward, crystalline body flying out of the forest and making Sillicia flinch. The Corpse Seeker came to rest in front of the Wendigo Commander, and stairs unfolded from its side.

Shady positioned herself at the top of the stairs, diamondust catching the dying sunlight, creating a rainbow halo around her. She extended her mental hooks carefully, gently probing the Commander's surface thoughts as Sillicia began to climb.

Sillicia looked up at her, and Shady nearly gasped at what she saw.

Sillicia's mind was... open. Vulnerably, desperately open. No defensive layers, no careful guards. Just raw, burning hope radiating forward.

Please let her be from Omnithornia. Please let her follow the proper Omnid traditions. Please let this be real.

The longing was so intense it made Shady's hooks ache. Sillicia hoped—no, prayed—that Shady would be a child of Omnithornia who believed in the old ways. In Omnids sharing a husband, cooperating as Prima and Hearth Seeker instead of the cruel hierarchies the Empress and her children cultivated over the planetary conquest campaigns.

"Commander Sillicia," Shady said, keeping her voice warm and welcoming as the Wendigo reached the top of the stairs. "How wonderful to see you.”

Sillicia bowed and smiled. "Princess Aquillianne. The honor is... I can't express—"

"No need for formalities tonight, darling," Shady interrupted, gesturing to the Seeker's interior. "This will be a fun evening, not a tedious military briefing. Please, come in!"

As Sillicia stepped inside, Shady's hooks automatically scanned the Commander more deeply. The Wendigo’s thoughts remained startlingly accessible.

Inside Kappa's chamber, Ash stood in his Emperor regalia. Behind him, the three ‘minions’ waited, ready for the show.

"Commander," Ash's modulated voice rumbled. "Welcome!”

Shady saw that Sillicia's hooks immediately raked across Ash's mind. Within, Sillicia found… A fortress. A citadel, with Ash sitting upon a golden throne, staring down at her.

“Sup, xenos?” The Emperor of Humanity asked.

Sillicia pulled back, turning her skull-face at Shady. “Your Highness, your kobold Administrator is magnificent! The first human on this entire planet with such refined mental facilities!"

"Yass. My Emperor is quite something, isn't he?" Shady said with pride, moving to stand beside Ash, tail possessively wrapping around the human. "I taught him myself."

Shady gestured to the gun-persons. "You've met my retinue already. The leaders of Earth's hidden magical communities."

Sillicia's hooks swept across Arachnids Man, Professor Doomsday, and Baba Yaga in quick succession. Her confusion deepened with each scan.

Nothing. There's nothing there. Empty shells. But they speak, they move, they seem alive. How—

"The magical leaders know how to fully conceal their presence and thoughts," Shady explained, reading Sillicia's bewilderment. "I taught them myself, guided the development of beings like them over millions of years of evolution. Complete psychic invisibility is the first defense against hostile entities!"

"Millions of years?" Sillicia repeated. "How?! Unless I’m wrong you’re only twenty-two, my Lady?”

“That I am,” Shady agreed.

“Time travel?!” Sillicia asked. “What about Zero? The Archangel—"

Shady pulled up a real memory—one that still made her fractal engine heart ache.

The memory crystallized in the space between them, projected with the full emotional weight of lived experience.

An Omnid laboratory, deep in the Corpse-God Citadel. Aunt Zexxia.

The Elder Wendigo's eyes gleaming with malevolent intelligence. “Let me show you something special, spawnling. My greatest treasure. My key to every door.”

She gestured, and a suitcase sitting on a table became transparent. Inside was something alive, wrong, inverted, its geometry twisted into itself dimensionally. The thing radiated absolute, pure madness, pain, existed in eternal, silent agony. It wasn’t human nor pradavarian. It was…

"Meet my naughty boy, Mr. Koppernacht," Zexxia introduced lovingly, as if presenting a pet. "With enough torture, eons of experimental, conceptual inversion, a Mothman can open gates to worlds that should never be reached. Past the boundary of the Wormwood Star, past the ever-watchful gaze of Absolute Agents of Syntropy, past every impassable barrier the Numbers have erected."

Young Shady stared.

"Do you know what this means, my spawnling?" Zexxia whispered. "It means I can give you a gift no other Wendigo has ever received. Your own, delicious kobolds on a non-doomed world! An Earth packed with humans! As many meals as you can eat! On a... subscribed world, deep within the innards of Eureka megastructure."

The memory faded, leaving Sillicia staring at Shady in horror.

"Abyss! Your aunt..." Sillicia whispered, mouth open wide, "she gave you access to time travel? To a world outside the finite curve? The power to gradually guide the entire life cycle of a species?”