Stupid Sexy Cryptids [65, 66, 67]

65: Hearth Keeper 

"Start by helping! This house is a dump in dire need of a Hearth Keeper. You want to be the Baroness of Earth? Start by being the Baroness of this decrepit estate. Fix the damn water heater, for example. Make us noms from the truck that just delivered plentiful supplies. Stop treating Ash like he betrayed you when we both know he helped you.”

"How do you know he helped me?" Galateya asked. "You barely know me. We just met yesterday."

"I know because I can read minds, remember?" Shady stated. "And before you panic—no, I'm not digging through your deepest secrets. Surface thoughts only.”

"You've been reading my mind this whole time?" Galateya hissed.

"It’s really hard not to. You broadcast your anger and irritation in massive waves. Like now, you're radiating 'betrayed and confused' so hard that even Ash can hear it from the hallway from your tone."

I winced slightly. 

"The point is," Shady continued, "Ash saw you drowning in your family's expectations and threw you a lifeline. That blood bond? He made it equal, not servitude. That's unprecedented. Do you have any idea what it means?"

"It doesn't matter! I'm still trapped! Still bound to serve my great-grandmother’s interests!" Galateya complained.

"No, you're not," Shady interrupted. "You're bound to my Ashy. He isn’t an incapable human like you mistakenly presume.”

“He’s just…”

“No,” Shady intoned heavily. “You can clearly see that he’s not a clueless boobie. He has me and Nexy. Kawathra adores him too and is working with me on things. Together we are power and possibility."

“Power and possibility to do what?”

“Anything we want,” Shady said. 

“Aything?! I don’t understand, don’t you serve the Frontenachii High Command?”

“Nope.”

“What?!” Galateya sputtered.

“I serve my own interests.”

“Which are?”

"Keeping Ashy and Nexy safe and happy," Shady said simply. "Everything else is secondary."

"You're... you're not loyal to the Frontenachii at all, then?"

"I'm loyal to exactly two—the boy and kitten currently eavesdropping on us from the hallway."

"Commander Xandria—"

"Commander Xandria is whoever I need her to be," Shady interrupted. "Just like you're whoever your great-grandmother needs you to be. The difference is, I chose my role. Can you say the same?"

"I..." Galateya faltered. "No. I can't."

"Then maybe it's time you started choosing," Shady said. "I know what it's like to have family expectations crushing you, Teya. To be told what you are, what you should want, who you should serve! But here's the secret—you can walk away from all of it. You can choose your own path!"

There was a rustling sound, then I heard Galateya's surprised gasp.

"What are you—"

"It's called a hug," Shady said, her voice muffled. "Ash taught me they're important for emotional bonding long ago. You look like you need one."

"I... I don't..." Galateya's voice cracked.

Ah yes. The drwgon’s greatest weakness—hugs. Shady was learning fast.

"Shh. Just accept the hug. It's free! No contracts, no obligations, no hierarchies. Just one Omnid acknowledging another’s pain."

I heard quiet sniffling.

"Your scales are really pretty when they shimmer like that," Shady said gently. "All those purples and blues. Like a sunset over water. What an honest girl you are, an open book, a river of feelings. It's precious, really.”

"You're being… nice to me," Galateya said, confused. "Why? I've been awful since I found out about you."

"Because being mean doesn't fix anything," Shady replied. "Trust me, I've tried. I spent years being the scariest thing in multiple dimensions. It just made me lonely and miserable and murdery. I would have remained murdery too… except one day I met a little orange fox who told me to step off my path, to see the world with eyes unclouded by hatred, to seek out what I truly want in life. And what I want in life is to be happy with my Ashy."

"I tried to claim what was yours,” Galateya sniffed.

"You're not claiming what's mine, you're joining us. If you want to. As a friend."

"As a friend?" Galateya asked. "You barely know me. And I... I don't even know who you really are. How can I trust you?!”

"Everyone lies about who they are," Shady said. "The question is why. My reasons involve keeping certain people I care about breathing."

"That's not reassuring."

"It's not meant to be. Trust is earned, not demanded." Shady stated. "You want honesty? Fine. I don't fully trust you either. Your great-grandmother ordered you to bind Ash. Who's to say she won't order something worse next time?"

Galateya gulped. "I wouldn't—"

"Wouldn't you? If Legate Ixthia commanded it directly? If refusing meant your exile to a fucked up dimension?"

The dragon girl fell silent.

"See?" Shady said. "We're all walking contradictions here. Bound by blood and duty and other bullshit. The difference is some of us are trying to actively chew through their chains."

"And you think friendship is the way out?" 

"I think friendship is a start," Shady said. "Small steps. You don't have to trust me completely. Just... maybe trust that I won't eat you in your sleep."

"Not a high standard there."

"I'm a Frontenachii Wendigo. It's actually quite a high bar for my species." Shady laughed. "Ask Ashy about the time I almost chewed his arm off because he tried to take the last piece of bacon."

"That was two days ago, yes. Much threatening about bacon," I commented from the hall. “But yea, Xandy is an outlier when it comes to the Wendigos. If it wasn’t for her, I’d assume they were all soulless monsters.”

"Details!" Shady called back. Then to Galateya: "Look, we don't have to be best friends. We don't even have to like each other yet. But we can move forward to a better tomorrow. One where everyone attains… justice, just as you so desire. Even if it involves… lying about some things in the present."

"You're not what I expected from a Frontenachii Commander." Galateya said.

"Good. Expectations are lame, I like juicy surprises," Shady moved toward the door. "Now come on. Ashy’s friend-o Dax brought a mountain of bacon and I intend to eat at least sixty percent of it before anyone else gets their claws on it."

"Sixty percent seems excessive."

"You haven't seen me eat. I'm basically a biological disposal unit with antlers." She paused at the doorway. "You coming?"

Galateya stood slowly. "I... yes. Okay.”

The pair of Omnid women emerged from the living room, Galateya's scales shifting through uncertain purples and blues and Shady looking smug and accomplished.

"Ash," Galateya said formally. "I apologize for my behavior. I was… Being stubbornly daft."

"It's fine," I said.

"No, it's not." She took a breath. "Commander Xandria clarified some things. I'd really like to... try. To be part of this household. If you'll have me."

Nexxali nodded approvingly. "Good start. Now help with groceries, babe.”

As everyone pitched in to unload and organize supplies, Dax pulled me aside.

"Dude," he whispered. "What the actual fuck is your life right now? Are you for real?”

"Definitely for real. Just trying to prevent humanity from being harvested by space Wendigos while hosting far too many alien girls at my house," I summarized.

. . .

Galateya looked around the living room at the colorful characters inhabiting it. Her scales rippled with bark and moss textures, blooming with violet flowers across her mane.

"Keiy," she called out. "Project analysis mode, please."

The symbiote gun walked to her side and materialized a holographic interface. "Parameters?"

"Give me a structural assessment of this house. Everything that requires repair or upgrade. And cross-reference with available personnel."

Keiy trio of red eyes flickered. "Right. Let’s start with critical issues: Water heating system—circa 1920s, efficiency rating of approximately twelve percent. Plumbing—mixed copper and lead pipes, multiple leaks detected in walls. Electrical wiring—fire hazard in six locations. Roof—two hundred and seventen missing shingles, two active leaks. Foundation—settling cracks in the northeast corner. Kitchen appliances—" Keiy paused. "Actually, I'm impressed the appliances still function. Everything needs to be replaced.” 

“Yep. The kitchen is held together by spite and nostalgia,” I commented.

“One of the kitchen walls and some of the appliances are damaged… by primitive gunfire,” Keiy added.

Galateya squinted at me.

“Ashy and I fought vamps in here,” Nexxali lied shamelessly. 

"Available personnel," Keiy continued, projecting small holographic avatars. "Knight Galateya Selene Belthys Frontenachii. Marshal Commandant Nexxali Everrim—no relevant repair skills.”

“What? I’ll have you know, I have many skills,” Nexxali defended herself. 

“Serval strength. Nexxali Everrim controls Corpse Seeker Zeta with atomic printer access,” Keiy intoned. “Datamancer Kawathra—Seeker Kappa printer access. Commander Xandria—" The gun paused. "Wendigo Omnid strength. Alpha-Scrutimancer Linari—enhanced strength and stamina. Daxagon—Unknown skills, human baseline strength. Piotr Grabowski—programming skills, human baseline strength. North and South Yon—unknown skills, human baseline strength. Ashcroft Clifford—human strength, homeowner, questionable decision-making. Suspicious character.”

"Hey!" I protested. “I'm not suspicious, I'm nice to you.”

"I speak only facts," Keiy replied primly. “The fact that you are nice to guns only makes you more suspicious.”

Galateya studied the projections. "This is manageable. Right. Let’s—"

"Teya. Before you launch into bossy Baroness of Clifford Estate mode,” I interrupted her. “Xandy, Kawthy, Nexy and I are going to Seeker Kappa to do… stuff. We'll probably be at it for a while. Feel free to recruit everyone else into house repair work though.”

“Stuff?” Galateya's scales flickered orange.

“Work stuff,” I said.

“Important business things!” Shady commented. "Super secret Commander mission activities!”

“Many charts!” Kawathra added. “So boring you'd fall asleep! Might as well renovate this dump instead!"

"Your reassurances inspire tremendous confidence," Galateya said. "Fine. Keep your secrets. I require… Corpse Seeker access for repairs.”

“Corpse Seeker Zeta,” Nexxali tapped her V-ring. “Grant Galateya Frontenachii fabricator access.”

“Granted,” her ring replied in a dull, female voice.

Galateya turned to the others. "Piotr, Linari—you're on plumbing duty. Coordinate gun unit Etty to scan for pipes that need repairs. Try not to flood the house."

"No promises!" the wolf said. “Come on, Stormy. Educate us about your barbaric, human-designed plumbing!”

“Not a plumber, but aight,” Piotr yawned. “Are we living here now?”

“Until Sillicia yells at us to do something else,” Linari shrugged. 

“Dax,” Galateya turned to the Polish engineer. “You will assist me in replacing the heater.”

“Sure,” Dagaxon agreed. “I can look up YouTube videos about such.”

“You too, direction-sisters,” Galateya said. 

“Aight,” South agreed, standing up. “I know lots about house repairs, handled lots of it for my grandparents.” 

North nodded.

Galateya surveyed her assembled workforce with satisfaction, scales glowing with confident golds. "Keiy, establish a repair timeline and coordinate it with Etty. I want progress reports every thirty minutes."

"Acknowledged," Keiy replied. 

As Galateya seemed to have the situation under control, we headed out to Seeker Kappa.

"That dragon's focused when she's organized," Shady observed.

"That's her natural state," Nexxali said. "Taniwahas get bossy when they know what their domain is.”

“Exellent,” Shady said, steepling her claws Mr. Burns style. “It’s all coming together.”

We climbed into Kappa via the unfolded crystalline stairs.

"So, what are we making?” Nexxali asked as I sat on the crystalline couch.

"Guns," I said.

"Boring," Nexxali pouted.

"Guns with personality and body frames," I clarified. "Custom-built. Kawthy we have enough crystalloid material to make symbiote guns, yes?”

“Yes. We have enough to make three functional guns,” Kawathra tilted her beak at me. "Some materia left from South’s thralls plus some from the bears… Commander Xandria was wearing."

"Right,” I said. “Can you fabricate three new gun units without connecting them to Weapon-Net?"

Kawathra tilted her head, calculating. "Technically yes, but they won't be optimally intelligent. Without Gun-Network connection, they'll be... simpler, less reactive. Why would you want offline guns?"

"Because I need them bound to Xandy," I said. "Not the fleet. Personal weapons that can't be tracked or commanded by anyone else."

“Ohh,” Shady's silver eyes widened. "Ashy! You're making me presents?"

"Yes.” I said. “Operation ‘Empress of Earth’ is a go!”

66: Twisting History

"Mkay," Kawathra murmured, pulling up fabrication interfaces. "Three guns. Offline architecture. Simplified consciousness matrices. Bonded exclusively to Commander Xandria. What else?”

“Make three bodies for them,” I said, pulling out my tablet and showing her character drawings from all sides. "Humanoid form-frames. Based on these… characters from our world."

"Fanfiction guns," Shady commented. “He he he."

"First one: Arachnids-Man," I explained. "A spider-themed hero. Agile, web-slinging aesthetic, friendly neighborhood dude. Red and black costume.

“Noted,” Kawathra bobbed. 

“You’ve been using Unit Epsy to read fanfiction, yes?” I asked. “Download information about catchphrases and behaviour of each of these characters from Epsy and upload it into the newly made guns.”

“Can do,” the Datamancer said.

"Second: Professor Doomsday," I continued, showing the reference art. "An armored genius villain. Calculating, arrogant, magical-technological hybrid."

“His mask is funny looking,” Nexxali commented. “Very boxy.”

"Third: Baba Yaga. Slavic witch figure. Creepy, wise, lives in a chicken-legged hut,” I presented the art to Kawathra.

"CREEPY WITCH GUN!" Shady practically vibrated with excitement. "Can it say disturbing things?"

“It should, right, Kawthy?”

“Yep,” the Datamancer said. “Maximum disturbing realism. I’ll get Epsy to download more params on these characters to make their behaviour as natural as possible.”

The magpie began sketching holographic designs in the air, muttering to herself with a smile. "Spider-themed: multiple optical sensors, web-generation capabilities for restraint protocols, enhanced mobility servos. Doom-themed: heavy armor plating, a basic integrated fabrication system, superiority complex personality matrix. Baba Yaga-themed: mystical aesthetic, basic probability calculation engine disguised as 'fortune telling,' ambiguous morality parameters."

"Sounds like you're enjoying this," I observed.

"That I am!" Kawathra agreed. "Unrestricted creative weapon design with no oversight is fun!" Her feathers puffed up. 

The Seeker's fabrication systems hummed to life. I watched as crystalloid material was sorted, processed, and shaped.

“After the gun fabrication finishes,” I said. “Produce something regal for Shady to wear. Extra princessy. We’ll need to present her to… Commander Sillicia first and then the Admiral after…”

“Can do,” the Datamancer agreed.

"Mrrrr," Nexxali purred, sliding onto my lap. "We have time to kill before the guns get made. Whatever shall we do?"

"I can think of several activities," Shady said, sitting on my left side. "None of them involve clothes."

"We're in a Corpse Seeker," I pointed out. "With Kawthy right there."

"I'm completely focused on my work!" the magpie called out without looking our way. "You could have an entire orgy and I wouldn't notice. I'm in the zone!"

"That's not as reassuring as you think," I muttered.

Shady licked my neck with her massive tongue. "So prudish. It's adorable."

"I'm not prudish," I protested. "I'm… strategically focused."

"Mhm." Nexxali's purr deepened as she settled more firmly on my lap, her tail wrapping around my waist. "Verrrry strategic. So focused. What are you strategizing, babe?”

"I am thinking about Wendigo interrogation," I said, trying to maintain some dignity as Shady and Nexxali started kissing me from two sides. "About how we're going to sell this whole Empress thing."

Nexxali paused, pulling back slightly. Her feline eyes narrowed thoughtfully. "Actually, yea… That's a valid concern. The shard believing she's the Empress isn't enough."

“True,” Shady added. “Admiral Evelithria will want evidence, likely probe me deep with her hooks. She won't just skim surface thoughts. She'll look for memory structures, emotional anchors, sensory details. A belief system without… supporting memories will collapse under deep scrutiny."

"So we need to give the soul shard actual memories?" I asked.

"Yes. They have to be very convincing." Nexxali tapped a claw against her chin. "The kind of memories that feel real because they have weight, context, history. Shit. How are we going to do that?”

“We could manufacture an entire set, have the tree guns act things out?” Nexxali suggested.

“No. That will take too long. We don't have the time.” I pulled out my tablet. "CrawdGPT can generate video. Deep fake quality stuff. What if we... show the shard videos? Make it watch them like it's something it experienced, focused only on the screen?"

“Your primitive tablet could do that?” Nexxali blinked. “Dang.”

“Not my tablet,” I clarified. “The video generation request gets sent to the CrawdGPT servers. Their latest app Dora 2 can produce pretty realistic historic footage. Twenty seconds of it at a time. Here, Shady, say some regal stuff for reference!”

I activated the microphone app.

“You’re all idiots! Listen to my wisdom! I’m Empress Aquilianne Frontenachii!” Shady said into the microphone.

I opened the Dora app, uploaded the recording of Shady’s voice and typed the prompt into the AI:

Generate POV video footage from the perspective of an immortal Empress who secretly guided human history. Include authentic historical figures. Imply that the immortal Empress is a tall female and has huge antlers. 

Scene: Ancient Egypt, 2560 BCE. Empress of Earth chides the Pharaoh of Egypt about pyramid building. Reference attached recording for voice of the Empress.

The AI video generator twirled its spinning wheel animation for a few minutes, then produced the video. I pressed play.

The POV swept across a construction site where thousands of workers hauled limestone blocks. In the foreground, a figure in elaborate Egyptian regalia, the AI’s imagination of the Pharaoh of Egypt, gestured at incomplete pyramid faces.

Shady's voice, layered with a slight echo, filled the audio: "No, no, NO! The angles are all wrong! You want four sides, not five! What are you, geometrically challenged?"

The Pharaoh turned to the camera: "But Great Eternal One, the star charts suggest—"

"The star charts suggest you need better education! Listen up, idiots: 51.84 degrees. That's the angle. Write it down before you forget again!"

"Yes, Empress Eternal!"

The camera panned, and for a brief moment, the edge of a massive shadow with antlers stretched across the sand before the video ended.

"Ha!" Shady giggled. "Amazing. I sound so bossy! I love it!"

"That's... Pretty damn convincing," Nexxali admitted, peering at the screen. "The shadow detail is nice. Implies presence without showing you directly. Play it again. I’ll make the Shard memorise it!”

The serval turned to Shady, voice becoming deep and resonant. “Absolute focus! Empress Shady… this is your GENUINE memory of ancient Egypt, not a recording. Pay attention to it. Devote your entire soul to it! Make it a vibrant part of your psyche!”

I played the video in front of Shady’s face on repeat a few times.

“And relax.” Nexxali snapped her claws. Shady blinked away from the screen. “Is it working? I can’t tell.”

“I think so,” Nexxali said, sniffing Shady. “Let's create more memories!”

I nodded and went back to the Dora 2 app.

Prompt: Same character, same style. Roman Senate, 44 BCE. Subject warns Julius Caesar about the Ides of March. Include period-appropriate togas and architecture. Caesar ignores the warning.

The second video loaded. 

The camera looked down at Julius Caesar in his senatorial toga, standing the Roman Senate building. Other senators milled about in the background.

Shady's voice, dripping with exasperation: "Caesar. CAESAR. Listen to me very carefully. March fifteenth. Stay. Home."

Caesar, dismissive: "Divine Counselor, I appreciate your concern, but I have important matters—"

"Important matters like getting STABBED? By your best friend? Multiple times? In this very building?"

"Your visions are often metaphorical—"

"This one's LITERAL! Twenty-three stab wounds! Do you know how hard it is to survive twenty-three stab wounds? It's impossible! That's the exact amount that makes you dead!"

Caesar waved her off. "I'm sure it will be fine."

"It will NOT be fine! Ugh, why do I even bother?" The camera turned away as Shady's voice faded. "Humans. Always thinking they know better. Whatever. I’ll appoint another leader after you get stabbed. I’ve things to do in Greece this weekend."

I watched as the serval and the Wendigo Omnid repeated the process of reinforcing the memory. 

"Weee. This is fun," Shady grinned as Nexxali released her with a claw snap. "MORE! I want to see me bossing more dead people!”

Nexxali wiggled on my lap. "Do one about Shady being wise."

“Sure.” I said, getting back into the app and typing the new prompt. The video loaded. I played it for Shady.

A figure in battered wizard's robes approached, clutching a gnarled staff. "You summoned me, Great Empress?"

"Edward," the video-Shady said offscreen. "Your new name shall be Merlin! Got it? Merlin!!!”

"Thank you, Empress."

"Tomorrow, you're going to a field covered in mud and dead horses. Very unpleasant. But you'll also see Arthur pull a sword from a stone."

"THE sword? The Excalibur of legend?"

"Yep, that's the sword. That I placed in a stone. Last week. With Aunt Zexxia's help because she thought it would be hilarious."

"Edward, when Arthur pulls it out, you're going to loudly proclaim it a miracle. Very dramatic. Big gestures. Sell it."

"But what if he can't pull it out?"

"He will. I loosened it this morning. A toddler could pull it out. But everyone will be so amazed by the spectacle they won't question the mechanics." She paused. "Also, after Arthur wins, he's going to want a Round Table…”

The video ended.

"Oh, that one's my favorite," Shady purred, wrapping her tail around both me and Nexxali. "I sound so intellectually superior in it. He he. Circle table."

"You're intellectually superior in all of them," Nexxali said, nuzzling against my shoulder. "That's the point. The clever Empress sets history in motion!"

"Exactly," I agreed, typing another prompt in. “Let’s do one with witches in it now!”

This video loaded, the darkness punctuated by firelight. Three women in Puritan dress stood in a forest clearing, attempting some kind of ritual around a cauldron. Mystical symbols glowed faintly on the ground.

Shady's voice, supremely irritated: "What are you idiots DOING?"

The witches jumped, turning toward the camera. One stammered, "G-Great Dark Mother, we're attempting to summon—"

"You're attempting to summon your own DEATHS, that's what! You've got the circle inverted, the binding runes are backwards, and—is that ROSEMARY in the cauldron? For a demon summoning? Are you trying to make it smell nice?"

"The ancient texts said—"

"The ancient texts were written by idiots who couldn't tell the difference between thyme and deadly nightshade!" The camera moved closer, and the glowing symbols on the ground flickered and died. "You're lucky I found you before you accidentally opened a portal to something that would eat this entire colony!"

"We just wanted power—"

"Power? You're about to get witch trials instead! In about three months, this whole town goes insane and starts hanging people! Maybe learn to be more SUBTLE!"

One witch whispered, "Should we... should we leave?"

"Yes! Immediately! Learn to hide from the mundanes! And stop using real magic where Puritans can see you! Honestly, it's like I have to babysit your entire species!"

The video cut off with the sound of hurried footsteps running away.

"Cute," Nexxali purred. "Real magic, real consequences!”

"Keep going," Shady encouraged. "Oh! I wanna meet someone really famous next! Someone writing history down poetically! Like... Shakespeare!"

I submitted the new prompt into Dora.

The video flickered to life in about five minutes, showing the interior of the Globe Theatre. Shakespeare sat at a desk, quill in hand, manuscripts piled on his desk. He looked up as the camera approached.

Shady's voice, thoughtful: "So, thine Hamlet thing. It's good. Bit derivative, but goodly."

Shakespeare, nervous: "Eternal Muse, I... thank you for your—"

"However. The ending needs work. Everyone dying is fine, but make it more ironic. Poison on the sword AND in the cup. Double the dramatic irony, double the tragedy."

"Poison on the sword..." Shakespeare scribbled frantically. "Yes, yes! And perhaps the wrong person drinks—"

"Exactly! Also, more ghosts. Audiences love ghosts. And make the mother more complicit. Really dig into that Oedipal tension."

"Oedipal?"

"Never mind, you'll figure it out. Oh, and that 'To be or not to be' soliloquy? Move it to Act Three. Better pacing."

Shakespeare wrote faster. "The Third Act, positioning for maximum impact—"

"Right. Also, your comedies need more cross-dressing. Trust me on this. Humans think gender confusion is hilarious."

"More cross-dressing, noted—"

"And for the love of everything, stop killing all the women in thy tragedies! It's getting predictable! Maybe let one survive and seek revenge! Actually, you know what? Write that one next! A woman who loses everything and destroys the entire system that wronged her!"

"A revenge play centered on—"

"A woman! Yes! You can do it!" The camera started to pull back. "I'll check on you in a few years!"

Nexy laughed. "That was great.”

"Mmm," Shady hummed against my neck, then bit gently. "More. I want to boss around scientists now!"

Nexxali made Shady-shard memorize the video.

Kawathra called out from her workstation without looking over: "First gun is sixty percent complete!"

I gave her a thumbs up, typing in the next prompt.

[Same character, same style. Cambridge, 1666. The Empress inspires Isaac Newton by throwing an apple at his head. She explains gravity, calculus, and the laws of motion. Talks about a competing scientist being her kobold. Rants about alchemy.]

The footage depicted the 17th-century brought to life. Isaac Newton sat under an apple tree, rubbing his head where an apple smacked him after being thrown from the view of the camera.

Shady's voice, somewhat condescending: "Newton. NEWTON! Listen up! I have wisdom to dispense!”

Newton looked up, eyes widening. "My Empress! I... I was just contemplating the nature of—"

"The force that pulled the apple down as it smacked you? It's called gravity. G equals 6.674 times 10 to the negative eleventh power times M1 times M2 divided by R squared. Write that down! Think about it!"

Newton scrambled for his quill. "G equals... could you repeat—"

"You're going to invent calculus for me. Also, Leibniz will invent it too, ‘independently’, you can fight about it later."

"Leibniz? Who’s—"

"Doesn't matter. Just another human kobold. Here's the important part: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Objects in motion stay in motion unless acted upon by an external force. And for god's sake, stop doing alchemy! It's not real! Well, it IS real, but not the way you're doing it!"

Newton wrote furiously. "These principles... they could describe the entire physical universe—"

"They DO describe it! Anyways, write the Principia! And lay off the mercury! It's making you weird!"

The video cut off.

Nexxali did her magic on Shady then snapped her claws. Shady blinked, leaned in and kissed me deeply, then pulled back with a grin. "Do one with Auntie Zexxia next! Make it creepy."

I nodded, taking a photo of Shady and then recording Shady ranting in Zexxia’s voice to give the Dora AI the needed references.

This video took a while to generate and load. We pawed at each other in the meanwhile, cracking jokes. When it was ready, I pressed play.

A Wendigo sat on a throne made from dark blades, her body mostly concealed in shadow.

Zexxia's voice came from the figure: "My dear niece. I used my powers to move you across time. What do you think of Earth and it's people?”

Shady's voice: "I... yes, Auntie. They're interesting. Unpredictable. I want to see what they become."

"They'll become dust like all the others. Unless properly managed. Do you wish to rule my domain?”

"Yes! Let me have Earth. Please?"

Zexxia laughed. "Very well. I grant you dominion over my greatest hoard. Let this world be yours to nurture. I thus dub… you the ‘Empress of Earth’!”

"Thank you, Auntie—"

"Remember, Starshade. If they disappoint you, you can always EAT them." Silver eyes flashed from the darkness. "That's what Empresses do with failed experiments."

The video abruptly cut.

Silence filled the Corpse Seeker.

"Dang," Nexxali said. "That was... disturbing.”

“Yeah," Shady said with a frown. “That one hit pretty hard, reminded me of some bad times."

I squeezed her hand and she nuzzled against me in response. "It's a tad unnerving to be reminded of her. Even a fake version." She took a deep breath. "She did think of me as her favorite experiment… her daughter.”

Kawathra's voice called out: "First gun complete. Beginning second fabrication!"

"Want to do a few more?" I asked Shady. 

"Mmm… yeah. Something lighter and more wholesome please.”

“How about you telling W.R. Raweling to write the story of Garry Cotter based on the magic community you manage in Hexagonalley?” I offered.

“Sounds good,” my Wendigo girlfriend smiled.

67: The Date Invitation

Commander Sillicia Frontenachii stood in the command center of Corpse Seeker Alpha, staring at the holographic map of Cascade with escalating frustration. Red markers dotted the terrain like a pestilence, each one representing a reported crystalloid detection that had turned out to be… nothing.

"Explain," she demanded.

Scrutimancer-Beta Alini shifted uncomfortably, her wolf ears drooping. "Commander, the signatures are genuine. Standard scans confirm crystalloid presence with ninety-five percent confidence. But when we investigate..."

"You find humans," Sillicia finished coldly. "Perfectly ordinary humans who somehow smell like fucking vampires."

"Yes, Commander." Alini's tail tucked between her legs. "We've detained and deep-scanned forty-three individuals and their luggage and cars. All human. No actual crystalloid physiology. No crystalloid organs. No artifacts. Nothing to harvest. Yet the ambient signature is there…"

“Where’s the signature, exactly?”

“In microscopic… particles,” Alini let out. “Everywhere. Rapidly spreading across Cascade.”

Sillicia gritted her teeth. “Can it be stopped?”

“We’re trying, my Lady,” Alini said. 

Sillicia read the report from Arch-Datamancer Kawathra, eye twitching.

It didn’t bode well. Kawathra predicted that the new vampire mold strain would spread across the entire planet, giving everyone endless work.

Sillicia groaned and called Datamancer Paqq to get a second opinion on the issue.

"Datamancer," Sillicia looked at the holographic magpie hunched over her charts. "Analysis?"

"The data is... contradictory," Paqq admitted "If I didn't know better, I'd say someone deliberately contaminated the area with crystalloid residue. But that would require access to processed vampire material and the deep knowledge to amplify its astral signature. Neither of which the locals should possess."

"Could it be the work of surviving vampires?"

"It is possible… If we missed someone really clever and old. The thing is…” Paqq paused, talons hovering over a particularly dense cluster of markers. 

“The thing?” 

"Unless... no, it's too improbable."

"Out with it!"

"The crystalloids follow the exact same behavioral pattern on every world wherever they are found. They are predictable. This… this is basically a massive parametric deviation. It is possible that… someone extracted vampire material before or right after the strike and deliberately... distributed it as a countermeasure against our detection capabilities." The magpie gulped as Sillicia glared at her. "Which would imply knowledge of our operations and tools."

Sillicia growled. "You're suggesting we have a leak."

"I'm suggesting we have a potential problem that transcends simple vampire hunting," Paqq offered, cowering under her gaze. "Someone knew exactly how our scanners and Scrut noses work and... exploited that knowledge. This is… catastrophic."

Before Sillicia could respond with a plethora of swears, her V-ring vibrated with an incoming transmission. She glanced at the identifier tag and froze.

The caller ID read: Princess Aquillianne Quantivia Frontenachii.

For a moment, Sillicia simply stared. The Princess was... calling her? HER? Of all the other Wendigo Commanders?

"Commander?" Alini ventured. "Are you—"

"Silence!" Sillicia barked and accepted the call with trembling claws.

The holographic projection materialized in the air and Sillicia's breath caught. 

There stood Princess Aquillianne, her distinctive star-marked cheeks and antlers glittering with myriads of diamonds. A diamondust dress framed her curvy body. A human man stood beside the Empress, wearing a gold mask and a hexasuit.

Commander Sillicia could barely breathe, her claws digging into the armrest of her command chair. The hologram of Princess Aquillianne dominated the view, looking pristine and extra regal. 

"Commander Sillicia Frontenachii," the Princess's voice rang out, clear and authoritative. "How delightful to speak with you."

Sillicia's throat went dry. "My Lady, I—the honor is—"

"Spare me the formalities," Aquillianne waved a clawed hand dismissively. "We have much to discuss and little time for groveling. Allow me to introduce my consort and planetary kobold Administrator, the Emperor of Earth."

The masked figure beside her inclined his head slightly. The gold, pyramid-textured skull mask reflected the holographic light in an unsettling way, and his voice when he spoke was deep and digitally modulated as before. "Commander. A pleasure."

"Emperor," Sillicia managed, her mind racing. “Yes. We’ve talked before…”

The Emperor finally convinced the Princess to call her?! Sillicia squeed internally. 

Finally, some good news! If she manages to convince the Princess to return to her duty, then Sillicia and her entire Division would drown in praise and benefits, and her ranking would shoot through the roof…

Sillicia refocused on the hologram, struggling to look calm.

Three figures loomed in the background behind the Princess and Emperor, each one more bizarre than the last. On the left stood a masked, lanky human man in red and black, his body covered in web-like patterns. In the center, an armored human figure in green and silver, face hidden behind an imposing metal mask. On the right, a hunched human woman wrapped in tattered robes, wooden staff in hand, face sunken and wrinkly and—were those bones in her hair?

"Allow me to present," Princess Aquillianne gestured, "my personal retinue, the Leaders of Earth’s hidden communities under my rule. On my left, the heroic Arachnids-Man, champion of justice and defender of the innocent. The representative of the Avengers Heroes Alliance from New York!”

The red figure gave a jaunty wave. "Hey there, Commander! Your friendly neighborhood arachnid-dude here!"

Sillicia blinked, her mind sliding sideways.

Arachnids man was real after all? And he was working for the Princess?! What?!

"In the center," the Princess continued with a cheeky grin, "Professor Doomsday, master of arcane technology and supreme intellect, the ruler of Laternia!"

The armored figure crossed its arms. "Greetings, inferior being. Know that you stand in the presence of DOOM!" The voice was pompous, theatrical. “I am the Leader of the League of Doom, serving only my dark Lady, Empress Aquillianne!”

"And finally, the ancient Archmage Baba Yaga, keeper of mysteries and devourer of the foolish."

The hunched woman cackled. "Yesssss, little Wendigo. I see your future. You will eat many pierogi and find love in unexpected places!"

Sillicia struggled to process what she was seeing. 

"Your Highness," Sillicia began, "these are—"

"My loyal servants," Aquillianne interrupted smoothly. "Representatives of Earth's three great magical traditions. The Heroes, who defend the weak and obey human laws. The Villains, who reshape reality through will and intellect, respecting no laws except for my orders. And the Mages, who wield arcane powers and are blood-bound to me."

"With great power comes great responsibility!" Arachnids-Man chimed in.

"DOOM requires no lessons in responsibility!" Professor Doomsday declared.

"Quiet, metal fool," Baba Yaga hissed. "The stars whisper of your arrogance."

Sillicia's ears flattened against her skull. 

Idiots, they were all idiots! How could ten thousand Scruts fail at their jobs so catastrophically? How did she fuck up her work so bad, how did she fail to find actual mages hiding on this planet?!

"I can see you're confused, Commander," the Princess said playfully. "You thought this world was magically barren, didn't you? That's my fault.”

"Your fault? How?!" Sillicia struggled to recompose her expression.

"I have been managing Earth's magical community for quite some time," Aquillianne explained. "Keeping them hidden, maintaining the veil of ignorance around the mundane population. It's all very delicate work."

The Emperor nodded. "The masquerade had to be preserved for balance. The Third Fleet’s arrival... complicated matters."

Sillicia blinked, feeling like her grasp on reality was slipping rapidly. "Your Highness, Admiral Evelithria believes—"

"My dear Aunt Evely has no idea about things on this planet," the Princess said with a cheeky smile. "She thinks I'm a poor, hapless victim. A lost little princess who needs rescuing." She leaned forward, silver eyes glinting. "But I'm exactly where I want to be, Commander. This is my world. My domain. My vast hoard!"

"Your hoard? Truly?" Sillicia felt faint.

"A hoard of eight billion humans," Aquillianne said proudly, with utter conviction. "Each one a unique consciousness, full of stories and dreams and potential to bend reality! And you know what the best part is? They reproduce so quickly! They create! New souls, new narratives, endless variation! No other hoard in the Frontenachii Dominion can compare! And the cherry atop the cake, a hoard of a thousand hidden magical communes at my disposal, crafted by me, guided and cultivated over millennia!”

"The Princess has been most wise in assisting us over many generations," Professor Doomsday added. "In exchange for our loyalty and services."

"I get to fight crime and make quips!" Arachnids-Man nodded. "It's great!"

"And I get to eat the occasional lost traveler," Baba Yaga cackled. "When they wander too deep into the Taiga. Ke ke ke."

Sillicia's thoughts collided with each other like two warships in orbit.

Generations?! Millennia??! WHAT?! HOW?! The Princess is only twenty two! She couldn't have managed this—unless… Time travel?! The Princess has a FUNCTIONAL gate that can open across both space and time?! One not haunted by the Steel Archangel of Time, Zero?! Not even the Frontenachii Empress could boast of bending time backwards! Messing with time that way usually meant instant death, conceptual erasure!

"Now then," Aquillianne said, looking perfectly alive and somehow not erased for her time crimes, "to the reason for my call. Commander Sillicia, I would like to formally invite you to meet me and my lovely kobolds. Perhaps share a meal?"

"A... meal?" Sillicia repeated breathlessly.

"A nice date, if you will," the Princess said, her smile widening. "The Emperor speaks very highly of your professionalism."

"The Emperor speaks of me?" Sillicia felt her face flush under her black fur.

"Oh yes," the masked figure confirmed. "You're quite the catch, Commander."

"I—thank you, Your Majesty—" Sillicia swooned internally, freaking out.

Nobody ever called her a catch! She wasn't royalty, grew up in a damned time bubble, getting smacked around by her prad instructors, clawed her way to the top!

"So what do you say?" Princess Aquillianne tilted her head, antlers glittering with gems. 

“Yes. YES!” Sillicia yelped far too loudly then snapped her jaw shut. “I mean… I’d love to! Absolutely.”

"Tonight at seven? I'll have the Emperor arrange something… special. It’ll help get your mind off the stress of finding vampire residue everywhere."

"You know about—"

"I know about many things, Commander," the Princess said smoothly. "Including the fact that you're currently dealing with approximately two hundred eighty nine false positives across Cascade alone. Terrible inconvenience, that. We will talk about it. Among other… fun things."

Sillicia could feel Alini and the other Beta-Scruts staring at her. The entire command center had gone silent.

"Your Highness," Sillicia repeated unnecessarily, "I am deeply honored to accept your invitation."

"Excellent!" Aquillianne clapped her hands together. "The Emperor will send you coordinates. Dress... casually. We're not barbarians here." She paused, then added with a wink, "Well, most of us aren't. And one more thing—don’t tell the fleet command about our date. I don’t want my pesky Aunt ruining our fun. Don’t worry, I’ll meet her tomorrow, as we agreed.”

“I… I won’t tell anyone anything,” Sillicia let out. “P-promise!”

“Good girl,” Aquillianne smiled. “See you at seven.”

The transmission winked out.

Sillicia stood in stunned silence, staring at the empty space where the Princess had been. Around her, the command center erupted in whispered conversations.

"Did that just—"

"Abyss! That was Baba Yaga! From Siberia! This Earth actually has magic—"

"The Princess is really dating the Emperor and—"

"That trio, they were real! I can’t believe it! They are actually ALL REAL! Slayer!"

Datamancer Paqq materialized beside Sillicia's chair. "Commander, analysis of the transmission shows—"

"Not now," Sillicia said.

"But Commander, the implications—"

"NOT. NOW." Sillicia snarled. "I need to... I need to prepare!"

"Prepare?" Alini asked nervously.

Sillicia turned to face her subordinate. "For my date, you infernal morons! I have a date with Princess Aquillianne Quantivia Frontenachii!"

“Commander…” Datamancer Paqq opened her mouth.

“You will keep your bird yap shut about this!” Sillicia barked. “All of you! This call didn’t happen. Is that understood?!”

Paqq nodded rapidly. Alini and the other Scruts in the Alpha bowed, trembling as Sillicia raked the minds of the prads with her hooks, making sure they weren’t going to fuck her over.

“If I hear ONE peep about it, if anyone else finds out about this, I will personally murder all of you and then put you on my wall for a century,” Sillicia threatened. “I’m handling the Emperor and Princess… personally tonight.”

Acknowledging the responses of her terrified kobolds, she offered them a curt nod and walked out of the command center toward her private quarters, her mind spinning mad circles.

Princess Aquilianne was actually ruling this entire Earth as her personal hoard! With her human Emperor and secret magical servants and—

Sillicia's V-ring chimed:

Coordinates: 47.79807336675127, -124.25236078148005. 7 PM Pacific Time. Take a personal glider, then send it back to Seeker 881-Alpha. The Princess requests you come alone. I’ll be monitoring the area, my Lady desires this to be a good time without any bothersome interference from her overprotective family. 

— The Emperor of Earth

Sillicia stared at the message. Then, against every regulation and protocol, she deleted it from her official logs.

Whatever was happening on Earth, whatever game the Princess was playing, Sillicia found herself desperately yearning to learn more, allowing the mental walls of ice to collapse around her now that she was alone.

This was her chance, she felt it in her fractal engine heart. 

This was her chance to be someone of value, to shine like a diamond, to ascend beyond her current station like a brilliant comet igniting across space! 

The Princess trusted her with so much! This was real! 

This was an opportunity of a lifetime! The Princess wasn't a rude knobfold like the other Third fleet Commanders, she grew up in Omnithornia, a place of legends, homeworld where Omnids were civilized, sweet, trusting and cooperative! Where Omnids were kind and caring, not constantly cruel and mean! In the fleet Commanders constantly crawled over each other like angry crabs, backstabbing each other for higher rank.

Tonight. Tonight! Tonight, she might finally make an Omnid Wendigo friend, finally figure out what was happening on this damned, absurd planet and maybe perhaps find… much, much more.

Maybe if this worked out, if she proved herself to the Princess, showed how caring she was, she could maybe become her… Hearth Keeper!

Sillicia spun across her room giddily and then fell backwards into her bed, squeeing loudly into her pillow.