Stupid Sexy Cryptids [63, 64]

63: Morning Mayhem [18+ Patreon Exclusive]

Sunlight broke through the ragged curtains, painting golden stripes across the tangled sheets. I cracked one eye open to discover a dark skull inches from my face. 

"Morning, Ashy!" Shady announced. I flinched back slightly at the big, silver eyes and rows of large teeth, then relaxed as my mind caught up to reality.

Her massive jaw stretched into a cheeky, winning grin that looked more like a horror movie poster than anything.

Black feathers fluttered up as she shifted, yawning wide. Then, lanky, muscular arms engulfed me in a crushing embrace that smooshed my face directly into her chest. 

She let go of me after a minute of breathless squeezing. Black antlers, dotted with silver sparks, nearly scraped the roof of the gothic four poster bed as Shady stretched in all her alien glory, completely naked and also utterly unconcerned about it.

A yellow and black paw engulfed me from behind. I turned to find Nexxali's smug feline face greeting from the other pillow. 

"What quirky noms are on the breakfast menu today, Emperor of Earth?" she purred, stretching luxuriously.

“Whatever we didn't devour yesterday,” I yawned and reached for my tablet, filled with new notifications. Thousands of resistance messages, reports from around the globe, and thankfully no urgent disasters requiring my immediate attention.

"Shower first," Shady declared, grabbing me with one arm and Nexxali with the other.

“Whaa–” the cat girl let out.

"Efficiency!" Shady added, shoving us into the shower and then getting in herself.

The shower, which was definitely not designed for three people,especially when one was a seven-foot cryptid and the other an almost seven foot cat person, immediately became an exercise of awkward positioning.

Shady immediately turned the knobs all the way to the max.

It was then that we discovered that the hot water heater had already been emptied by the other alien house invaders. 

"Eek! COLD! UNACCEPTABLE WATER TEMPERATURE!” Shady yelped as the spray hit us.

Nexxali shrieked even louder when Shady decided to use the half-awake feline as a shield against the icy water.

"Kitten, sing the water warmer!" Shady commanded.

Nexxali sputtered water out of her mouth. "That's not how it works! Gah why—”

“Gotta get my morning dose of kitten terror,” Shady laughed. "Come on! Use your magic voice powers to warm the watah!"

"My voice doesn't—" Nexxali paused, then shrugged. "Fine." She cleared her throat and began singing to the showerhead: "Ohhhh. Water… Be warm, be hot, heat up a lot?"

The water remained glacial.

"Sing better!" Shady demanded, swinging her antlers overhead.

"Oh water of the chilly shower-mountain, please become a thermal fountain?" Nexxali tried again.

"That's a fail," Shady voiced, grabbed the shampoo and dumped half the bottle on her head. "Ashy, wash my back. There's a spot I can't reach between my shoulder blades.”

"How can you not reach it? Your arms are like three feet long and extra bendy!" I said.

"Almost four feet, actually!” She grinned. “Not the point!”

“She just wants to be attended to,” Nexxali commented.

“Cat wisdom!” Shady agreed. “Also why are you singing to the water? Sing to make us think it's warm, dummy.”

“Uhmmm,” the serval let out. “Right. Sorry, I'm not a morning prad.”

She shuddered under the spray, yawned wide and began singing:

"When the world feels frozen, sharp and cold,
There's a fire that we three can hold,
Not in flames that flicker, fade and die,
But in the warmth behind each other's eyes.

Feel the heat of morning's gentle grace,
In every laugh, in every warm embrace,
The shower's chill cannot compare or reach,
The burning comfort that our hearts can teach."

As her voice wove through the bathroom, something shifted. The water didn't actually get warmer, but I began feeling like I was warm. I allowed the music to take over my perception.

Gradually, my skin started to tingle with phantom heat, my body becoming convinced that we were standing under a tropical waterfall instead of ancient, temperamental plumbing.

The illusion of warmth made the shower much more tolerable and allowed me to notice that Shady's slick breasts were pressing against my back while Nexxali's soapy curves pressed against my front.

"Quality singery, catio," Shady praised Nexxali grabbing the body wash. "Now, let's wash our Ashy!"

Her claws traced soap trails down my spine while Nexxali attacked from the front with a loofah.

"Generally… I’m not a big fan of water," Nexxali purred, her tail wrapping around my thigh as she scrubbed my chest. "But this is nice… Mmmm… Extra slippery.”

"Slippery is the best part!" Shady grinned, handing a loofah to me. "Ashy, here, important princess cleaning required!"

I obliged, working shampoo through the silver-starred fuzz between her breasts while she made exaggerated "mmm" sounds that echoed off the tiles.

"You two are getting me all worked up," Nexxali whimpered, grinding against my thigh as the confined space forced us closer. Her purring shifted into breathy gasps. "The… ahh… ahhh… damn it, the water warming song is makin’ me feel things…"

"Good things?" Shady asked innocently, then less innocently slid her soap-slick hand between where Nexxali and I were pressed together.

“Ahh!” The serval let out a moan at being pawed. "VERY good things!"

"What a loud kitty," Shady giggled, using her free hand to rinse my hair while her other hand made Nexxali squirm and moan even louder. "We have houseguests, you know. Although… Everyone already knows we're fucking anyway, I bet.”

Nexxali's claws dug into my shoulders as she rode Shady's fingers, her whole body vibrating with purrs and whimpers. "Can't... help it... never had..." she panted against my neck, "shower fun before!"

"First time for everything!" Shady chirped, turning the water off. "Ooh, Ashy's excited too. Look at how hard he is! Should we take care of it?"

“Yes,” Nexxali rapidly dropped to her knees in the cramped shower, knocking a few bottles off the shelf with her tail.

She took me in her mouth with zero hesitation, her rough tongue making me gasp and grip Shady's arm for support.

“Look at that. Our kitten's soooo eager," Shady observed, reaching down to fondle Nexxali's breasts while she worked. "Making such pretty sounds around Ashy's dick. Very musical!"

The serval moaned louder, the vibrations traveling through me. Her hands gripped my sides, pulling me deeper.

Shady arched herself forward down to my level, licking and kissing my face vigorously.

I reached between her legs, finding her soaked… definitely not from shower water. She bit my shoulder without breaking skin and ground against my hand.

"Fuck," I groaned as Nexxali picked up her pace below.

After a minute, Nexxali pulled back with a wet pop, her golden eyes glazed with need. "Can't... can't take it anymore," she panted, turning around on her hands and knees. Her upper body pushed out of the shower onto the bathroom floor while her ass remained raised.

"He he. Our kitten’s presenting herself!" Shady cackled, swatting Nexxali's wet ass. "Such good manners!"

The serval's tail lashed frantically, spraying water droplets everywhere. "Please, please, please..." she whined, pushing her hips back toward us.

"Ashy, I think she wants the D," Shady stage-whispered with a voice of a breaking news announcer. "Should we give it to her? She did ask so nicely..."

I gripped Nexxali's hips, the wet fur slick under my palms. When I pushed inside her tight heat, she cried out even louder.

"FUCK! Yes! Finally!" Nexxali's claws scraped against the bathroom tiles as I filled her completely.

"Shhhh! Indoor voice, kitty!" Shady giggled, reaching under to play with Nexxali's clit while I thrust. 

The serval couldn't form words anymore, letting out only desperate mewling sounds as I pounded into her. Her whole body shook with each thrust, breasts swaying beneath her.

"Harder!" Shady commanded, pressing against my back. "Make our kitty scream! I wanna see her totally lose it!"

I grabbed Nexxali's tail for leverage, pulling her back onto my shaft. She shrieked and clenched around me.

"Ha, her tail’s sensitive!" Shady observed gleefully. "Pull it again! Harder! Rawr!”

When I did, Nexxali came instantly, her pussy spasming around me as she howled, squirting hard.

"Achievement unlocked: wake the vampires!" Shady announced. 

“Do vampires even sleep?” I chortled.

“Don’t care. If they do, they deffo awake now,” the Wendigo grinned deviously. "Now my turn! Kitty, move your fuzzy butt over."

Nexxali collapsed forward onto the bathroom rug, twitching from her orgasm. Shady immediately took her place, bending over and raising her feathery tail up and then wrapping it around me.

"Rail me, Ashy!" she demanded. "And kitty, get under here and lick me. Yass. Teamwork makes the dream work!"

Panting loudly, Nexxali eagerly wiggled herself under Shady's bent form. Bending up to Shady's dripping pussy, her long tongue quickly found the Wendigo's swollen clit.

"Holy fuck!" Shady yelped, her feathered tail tightening around my waist. "Unexpected feline texture upgrade!"

I gripped Shady's hips and pushed into her slick heat. Her inner walls clenching around me as Nexxali worked below.

"Ashy! Yes! Split me like firewood!" Shady moaned, pushing back against me. 

Nexxali's muffled purring vibrated against Shady's pussy. The dual stimulation made Shady's legs shake.

"Gonna... gonna..." Shady panted, her claws scraping the shower wall. "Fuck, I'm already close! Ahhh! This is embarrassing! My speedrun reputation!"

"What speedrun?" I asked, swatting her behind. “Pretty sure there’s no sex speedrun achievement.”

"No. Ahh!” She bubbled. “I'm supposed to last... oh shit... at least five minutes before... FUCK!"

Shady came hard, her pussy clamping down on me as she squirted all over Nexxali's face. Both of us finished at the same time then.

The serval kept licking, drawing out the Wendigo's orgasm.

"Ahhh! Emperor dick supreme... cat tongue too OP, please nerf..." Shady bubbled.

I kept thrusting through her climax, making her whimper and twitch. 

Reality gradually wobbled sideways, water drops freezing in the air. 

Again, I felt like I was falling across a million dimensions. In another moment that felt like it lasted forever, the sensation of weightlessness and being swallowed up by the dark abyss was gone.

“Phew,” Nexxali emerged from beneath, her face drenched in Shady's juices. “Ain’t ever gonna get used to Wendigo orgasm biz! So fun!”

Shady turned the water on again, rapidly rinsing us.

“Brrrr,” Nexxali let out after a minute. “My song’s powah is waning. Let's dry off!”

The serval stumbled out of the shower on wobbly legs as the Omnid grabbed towels from the rack.

"Ka-pow! Towel attack!" Shady announced, smooshing me in a fluffy blue towel. "Emperor captured! Initiate aggressive drying sequence!"

Four hands descended on me immediately. Nexxali worked on my chest and arms and Shady vigorously scrubbed my black hair through the towel, making it stick up in every direction.

"Surrender!" Shady laughed as I squirmed. "This is for your own good!"

"Death by terry cloth!" I gasped between laughs. "What a way to go!"

"Hold still, you're all pruney," Nexxali laughed, feline tongue darting out to lick a water droplet from my collarbone. "Mmm, you taste like fake fruit and good decisions."

"That's my shampoo," I agreed. "Premium dollar store quality! Also, I'll have you know it's cucumber melon scented."

Nexxali pulled me into a gentle kiss, purring through both our chests. Behind me, Shady was being extremely thorough.

"Someone’s having fun," I eyed her.

"Multitasking!" Shady giggled. "Groping AND drying. Peak efficiency!"

I grabbed another towel and started working on Nexxali's fur, which immediately fluffed up dramatically.

"Adorable wet cat!" Shady cooed, abandoning my thoroughly-dried self to nuzzle Nexxali's fuzzy cheek. "Soooo fluffy! Must snuggle immediately!"

I laughed as Shady peppered Nexxali's face with little kisses and licks, making the serval purr louder. I got pulled into their embrace with Shady making happy humming noises, Nexxali's purr rumbling through both of us.

"Never thought I'd have this," Nexxali whispered into the hug, burrowing into my side. 

“This?” I asked.

"Happy, simple moments. Family. Acceptance. On Desolada, everything was survival. On the fleet everything was improving metrics and obedience. This… this... this is me finally living."

"Aww, kitty's getting sentimental!" Shady squeezed us tighter. "Quick, someone make a joke before we all have a cry!"

"Why did the Wendigo cross the road?" I offered.

"To terrorize chickens?" Nexxali guessed.

"To throw someone in a lake on the other side." I corrected.

Shady gasped in mock offense. "I've only thrown you in one lake! ONE! That's barely a pattern!"

"Yet," Nexxali said. We all burst out laughing and headed back into my bedroom.

64: Unexpected Delivery

"Hexasuits time!" Shady announced, grabbing her hexagon.

She slapped it against her chest and black material unfolded, flowing over her body. Nexxali's suit spread across her curves next, the smart fabric adapting perfectly.

"What about me?" I complained, still wrapped in my towel.

"You get regular clothes, mundane boy!" Shady teased. "No heart core, no fancy unfoldin' suit. Those are the sadge rules."

"Discrimination against the magically impaired," I grumbled good-naturedly, pulling on boxers and jeans.

"We'll make it up to you," Nexxali promised, helping me with my shirt.

"So much unnecessary pawage," I observed.

"Necessary for morale! My morale that is," Shady insisted. "Also, you must look presentable. Very important diplomatic breakfast ahead."

"It's just breakfast with our… many alien housemates." I shrugged.

"Every meal is diplomatic with so many species at the table," Nexxali pointed out. "Also, I'm extra-starving."

"Food Quest is on!" Shady declared. 

“Hrmm,” I examined her face. “Almost all of your Xandy make-up came off.”

“Ah, too much phase-shifting lewd fun time,” she huffed. “Gotta bug the local birb to fix me up again.”

I nodded.

“Cat Maid! Initiate temporary Shady concealment protocol!” Shady ordered. 

Nexxali flashed into the bathroom and grabbed several towels and rapidly wrapped them around Shady’s head and antlers.

"Onward to sustenance!" Shady pulled us toward the door, her tail swishing excitedly and intermittently swatting me, then Nexxali.

We headed downstairs where we spotted the rest of my house guests. 

Piotr was slumped at the kitchen table, head in his hands, while Kawathra and Linari sat on opposite sides of him, both looking equally tired but glaring at each other with the intensity of territorial cats.

"Morning," Piotr mumbled without looking up. "Kill me."

"What happened to you?" I asked, starting the coffee maker.

"Time zone change plus these two," he groaned. "They spent half the night arguing about riding arrangements."

"Ohhhh! Riding arrangements?" Nexxali's fluffy, dark-fur tipped ears perked up with interest. “Tell me more.”

"Yes," Linari yawned with a wide wolf jaw. "I won, obviously."

"You did not win!" Kawathra's feathers ruffled indignantly. "The schedule clearly stated—"

"The schedule you pulled outta your ass—"

"Ladies," Piotr interrupted weakly. "Please. Not before coffee."

He looked at me with bloodshot eyes as Nexxali pulled me onto her lap and Shady wrapped herself around both of us heartily, nuzzling our faces.”

"How are you even standing?" Piotr asked me, eyeing Shady who was bigger than either of his girlfriends.

I shrugged in reply.

Nexxali grinned wickedly. "Oh, his suffering was mostly in his dreams. The physical pawage had no scheduling drama issues. Somehow we click together. Not really sure how or why.”

“Just my amazing kobold management talents,” Shady took the credit. “See, Stormy-o, you’ve no dragon manager, only two bossy prads.”

“I see,” Piotr said. 

“The Commandant finally got herself a boyfriend, eh?” Linari asked Nexxali.

“Damn right, I do,” Nexxali agreed. Then she paused, her eyes going wide. "Eeeeeee! I have a boyfriend. I actually have a real boyfriend!" She made a small squeeing sound, whispering to herself. "...and a girlfriend! Eeeee!"

"Congrats on your emotional breakthrough," Kawathra said dryly. "Meanwhile, some of us are trying to establish proper time-sharing protocols that someone keeps violating—"

"Your protocol is stupid," Linari interjected.

"You're stupid," Kawathra shot back.

"Children, please," I said, getting off of Nexali's lap to pour coffee for everyone. "Kawthy, can you help… Xandy with her morning makeup? She needs to look more… intimidating."

The magpie brightened at having a job. "Of course! I'm ready to assist my Lady!"

She led Shady out of the house and into Corpse Seeker Kappa.

Ten minutes later, Shady emerged towel-less, looking like the battle-scarred Commander Xandria once again.

We'd just settled down for breakfast of eggs, toast, and whatever else I could scrounge from Nexxali's shopping spree, when the sound of a large vehicle pulling up made me freeze.

Through the window, I saw an army surplus truck grinding to a halt in my driveway. 

“If this is another vampire party out to murder me, I’m gonna ask… Xandy eat them all,” I commented.

The two guns flashed red rays out of the windows.

“No vampires detected,” Keiy commented. “One human. Male. In his twenties. Truck packed with... food.”

The truck door opened and out jumped—

"Dax?" I uttered.

My best friend stood there in cargo pants and a t-shirt that read "I Survived the Moon Chunk!" He waved enthusiastically at the house.

I opened the front door. "Dax… What are you doing in USA?"

"Food delivery as requested!" he announced proudly, waving back at the truck. "Got enough supplies to feed an army, or one big doggo…" He paused, looking past me at the aliens inhabiting my living room. "What the fuck. Ash, are you aware that your house is full of hot alien babes?”

“I have eyes, yes,” I commented.

"He has hands too," Nexxali purred, draping herself around me possessively. "Very skilled, multi-purpose hands. Great for… petting cats." She licked my neck, making it abundantly clear we were more than just housemates.

Dax stared at Nexali and then at me. "Ash. Buddy. Pal. My dude. Why is there a cat woman claiming you have functioning appendages?"

"Dax, meet Marshal Commandant Nexxali,” I stated. “Nexxali, this is Dax, my best friend from… college."

“And the others…?” Dax looked past me at the living room.

"They're... exchange students," I joked. “From space!”

"Exchange students from space," he nodded sagely. "Got it. Very normal. Very cool. They ain’t gonna read my mind, right?”

“Nah,” I said. “They’re mostly house trained.”

“I got a collar, see?” Nexxali tapped her pink heart collar. “This states that I’m house trained, yes, babe?”

“Hrmmm,” Shady appeared silently on my other side like a shadowy apparition. “Ashy, where’s my collar?”

“We’ll buy you one later, babe,” Nexxali stretched languidly, making sure Dax or maybe Shady and I got a full view of her hexasuit-wrapped curves. "Best friend, hum? Are you one of the humans that's been messaging my Ashy at all hours?”

"Your… Ashy?" Dax's eyebrows climbed toward his blonde hairline. "Since when does Ash have a—" He paused, looking between me, Nexxali, and Shady. "Wait. Wait wait wait. Are you in a... Is this a... Did you collect a harem while I was offline?"

"It's not a harem," I protested mildly.

"It's a circle!" Shady corrected. "Very important geometric distinction! Also, technically I collected him years ago, not the other way around."

"Collected?" Dax repeated, his brain clearly short-circuiting. "Ash, my dude, what alternate dimension did I just drive into?"

"The fun one!" Shady grinned, showing far too many teeth. "Come on, let's get the food before it spoils. I can smell the bacon from here."

As we headed toward the truck, Shady sidled up to Dax with predatory grace, sniffing his face. "So, Daxy-boy, you're Ashy's best friend?"

"Uh, yeah?" Dax glanced at me nervously.

"Interesting." Her silver eyes flashed as she leaned in close, examining his features like a very curious dog. "Your thoughts smell like... ooh, that's fascinating. You're thinking about—"

"Shades, stop terrorizing him," I interrupted. 

Dax's eyes widened. "Wait… Shades? As in...?" He looked between us, then whispered, "The Wendingo girl who was ranting about circles—"

"Am better now," Shady cut him off with a cheerful grin. "Much less brain-scattered. Got myself a cat to help organize my thoughts." She gestured at Nexxali, who was preoccupied with inspecting the truck's contents.

"A cat," Dax repeated. "To organize thoughts. Sure. Why not."

"Relax," I told him quietly as we started unloading boxes. "It's still Shady, just... more coherent."

"Oh good," Dax muttered. "The alien cryptid princess who was ranting about circles is now fully coherent. That's soooo much better."

Shady laughed, sounding like creepy wind chimes made of bones. "I like him! His mind tastes like secret conspiracies and energy drinks."

"Please don't taste my mind," Dax requested, hauling a box of canned goods.

"Too late!" She piled several large boxes into her hands. "Already know about your collection of vintage… anime body pillows. Ke ke ke.”

“What?” Dax sputtered. “I don’t have a…”

Shady grinned at Dax. I chortled.

“I seriously don’t collect body pillows!” Dax huffed. “She’s trolling me!”

Shady cackled, making us all laugh heartily at my slightly flustered looking best friend.

. . .

Back inside, I managed more introductions.

"Everyone, this is Dax. Dax, you've met Nexxali and... Commander Xandy. The magpie over in the corner surrounded by holo-charts is Kawathra, she's a data specialist. The wolf is Linari, an Alpha-Scrutimancer.” 

"The gentleman suffering from jet-lag at the kitchen table is Piotr," I continued. "He's helping with... Uhh… cultural exchange."

Piotr weakly raised a hand in greeting.

"And these are North and South," I gestured to the vampire sisters on the couch. "They're from Cascade. Their house... exploded, so they’re staying at my place.”

"Exploded?" Dax looked from North at me.

"Aliens accidentally blew it up," South said. "Very... tragic."

“I'm… sorry to hear that,” Dax let out.

"And this," I said, as Galateya descended the stairs with a romance book in tow, "is Galateya, my... consort."

The word hung in the air like a dropped grenade.

"Consort," Dax said slowly. "You have a consort. And a girlfriend. And another girlfriend.”

“Things… happened while you were offline,” I shrugged.

“I put my phone on airplane mode and took a nap while I got to the USA from Europe and you drop this on me?” Dax asked. “The hell, dude?”

"It's been a very eventful… day," I admitted.

Galateya's scales and hair flashed orange-red as she glared at me from the stairs. "Eventful. That's what you call lying to me about your relationship status?"

Before I could respond, Shady was already moving. She crossed the room in three quick strides and grabbed Galateya's wrist. "Dragon. Living room. Conversation. Now."

"Excuse me?" Galateya tried to pull away, but Shady's unwieldy grip was like cold steel.

"We need to have a girl talk," Shady said firmly, dragging the protesting dragon into the living room. "About circles and hierarchies and not being a whiny square."

I stared at the Wendigo and the dragon.

"Let them sort it out,” Nexxali commented. “Shady needs to establish dominance properly now that her brain works. We can sit close by so her connection to me doesn't drop.”

“Uh-huh. Also gotta make sure a third catfight doesn’t break out in my living room,” I commented.

“Third catfight?” Dax chortled.

“They get rowdy,” I shrugged.

“I am pretty rawd,” Nexxali agreed, swatting me with her tail. "Mrawr."

Nexxali, Dax and I occupied the bench just outside the living room in the hallway.

From the living room, I could hear Shady's voice, clear and authoritative.

"Sit," Shady commanded.

"I don't take orders from—"

"SIT."

There was a pause, then the sound of Galateya sitting heavily on the couch.

"Good dragon," Shady's tone softened. "Now, let's discuss things. You blood-bonded with Ash, yes? Against his will, under threat from your great-grandmother?"

"I was tricked. I didn’t know that you—"

"Irrelevant. You did it. He coordinated it. Modified it, actually, which was very clever and nice of him. But here's what you must accept: I claimed him thirteen years ago. Before you existed in his life. Before this idiotic invasion. Before any of this shit."

"Commander Xandria, I understand you two have history and—"

"No, you don't understand." Shady's voice dropped lower. "I've been in his mind since we were both kids. I've seen his dreams. I know every crack in his psyche, every fear, every hope. I trust Ashy with my life, my very soul. Can you say the same?"

Silence.

"I accept that you're… bound to him now," Shady continued. "The blood contract is what it is. But if you want a place in this circle—a real place, not just some preordained obligation—you need to understand the hierarchy."

"What hierarchy?" Galateya let out.

"I'm Prima. First. Always. Ash is mine, I am his, we are the center. Nexxali earned her place through absolute devotion, and by literally fixing my broken mind. See? I’m much more clear, more together now mentally. She's proven herself."

"And me?"

"You… could be our Hearth-Keeper. The one who maintains the home, keeps the peace, manages the practical things while we handle the dangerous outside business. The Keeper is an honored position in Omnid culture."

"I know what a Hearth-Keeper is," Galateya said quietly.

"Good. Then know this—you have to earn it," Shady's tone hardened. "Not through blood contracts or family obligations. Through actual devotion. To our circle. Can you do that? Can you put aside your pride and dedicate your shiny scales to it?"

There was a long pause. 

"I... I've never had a real family," Galateya finally admitted. "Just expectations and… disappointment."

"Neither have I," Shady said. "Neither has Nexxali. Neither has Ash, really. That's why we're building one. A family of Wendigo, serval and human that shouldn't really exist… but does."

"How... do I prove myself?" Galateya asked.