Stupid Sexy Cryptids [49-51]

49: Agreements

The waves of Lake Quinault rushed up to meet me with all the hospitality of a concrete wall made of very cold water.

SPLASH.

I hit the surface hard enough to knock the wind out of me, then sank like a stone in my shirt, jeans and boots. The glacial mountain water was approximately three degrees above "instant death" and felt like liquid needles stabbing every exposed bit of skin.

I kicked frantically, breaking the surface with a gasp. "SHADY! WHAT THE F—"

Another splash cut me off as Nexxali came cartwheeling through the air with a shocked yowl. She hit the water about ten feet from me with a spectacular belly flop that would've scored tens from imaginary Olympic judges for sheer commitment to a poor landing.

"I CAN'T SWIM!" she shrieked, thrashing wildly. "I'M A CAT FROM A DESERT PLANET! CATS DON'T DO WATER! THIS IS A WAR CRIME!"

She didn’t sink fully as a couple of functional hexasuit panels ignited, inflating and keeping her afloat. This didn’t stop the serval from her anti-water lamentations. I glanced from the distraught cat towards the shore.

Shady shed her bear costume collection like the world's most disturbing striptease, flinging bear pelts in every direction. She stood on the rocky shore for a moment, seven feet of irritated Wendigo princess, then dove into the lake after us.

Black antlers stuck out of the waves like the notification of an incoming, hungry shark. I considered that watching Jaws with her a few days ago might have been a mistake in hindsight.

She surfaced between Nexxali and me, grabbed us both by our collars, and began vigorously scrubbing us like we were particularly dirty dishes.

"BAD EMPEROR!" She dunked my head underwater. "COLLECTING MANY FEMALES WITHOUT PERMISSION!"

I came up sputtering and shivering. "I didn't—glub—collect—"

Down I went again.

"BAD CAT!" Shady turned her attention to Nexxali, who was trying to climb onto my head to escape the water. "ATTEMPTING EMPEROR THEFT! VERY RUDE!"

"I wasn't stealing him!" Nexxali wailed, clinging to my shoulders like I was a life raft. "I was just—GAH! STOP SCRUBBING MY EARS!"

Shady had produced what looked like lake algae and was using it as an impromptu loofah on the Marshal's head. "SO MANY DIRTY THOUGHTS! MUST CLEAN!"

"Those aren't—!" Nexxali protested as she was lifted by her tail out of the water. "Gah! Staph! You can't wash thoughts out of—ACK! NOT THE TAIL!"

"And YOU!" Shady spun me around, her silver eyes blazing. "BLOOD BONDING WITH OTHER DRAGONS! While Princess does educational, wholesome bear activities! This is BETRAYAL CIRCLE!"

"Legate Ixthia Frontenachii ordered it!" I managed between dunks. “I had to do it to…”

"Legate Ixthia can eat squares!" Shady declared. She grabbed both of us and plunged us underwater simultaneously.

I opened my eyes underwater to see Nexxali's face inches from mine, golden eyes wide with panic, cheeks puffed out like a terrified chipmunk. She was making frantic hand gestures that I interpreted as either "help me" or "I'm going to murder everyone when this is over."

We surfaced together, gasping.

"I'M GOING TO FILE A FORMAL COMPLAINT!" Nexxali shrieked. "THIS IS ASSAULT! BATTERY! ATTEMPTED DROWNING OF A SUPERIOR OFFICER!"

"Superior to who?" Shady scoffed, scrubbing my face with her palm like she was trying to remove it. "You small cat! I big Frontenachii Princess! Also, you smell like… like catnip! Shameful superior officer behaviour!"

"YOU… you smell like dead bears!" Nexxali shot back. “Shameful Princess behavior!”

"TACTICAL BEAR DISGUISE!" Shady countered. "Different from recreational plant consumption!"

She dunked us both again.

When we came up, Nexxali had wrapped herself around my torso like a very upset octopus, crying. "I hate water," she whimpered into my shoulder. "I hate it so much. It's wet and cold and moves wrong and gets in my ears and—"

"Stop cuddling MY Emperor!" Shady pried her off and held her at arm's length. "Confession time! What are intentions with Ashy mine?"

"I'm his hostage! He has blackmail on me! I literally cannot leave!" Nexxali flailed.

“Incomplete verbiage! Confess feelings!”

“I like him! I like him a lot because he's not scared of me!” the serval yelled. “Is this what you want to hear?! Stop drowning me already!”

"Emperor explain or receive more aggressive washing!" Shady turned to me.

"She accidentally revealed space state secrets while high on catnip," I said quickly, treading water. "So now she has to help us or face consequences. She likes me… I honestly don’t know why. I didn’t do anything romantic.”

“HEARTS Collar,” Shady pointed out, clearly using her brain hooks to fish memories out of the panicked cat. “Ran her over then spared her. Making her eggs. Fighting… a dragon together. Dragon who claimed you!”

“That’s Galateya,” I tried to clarify. “We’re just friends!”

"Blood bonded friends?! Unlicensed courtship!" Shady barked, silver eyes narrowing dangerously. "Running over other prad females with vehicles! Submission, chase ritual!"

"It wasn't courtship!" I protested through chattering teeth. "It was self-defense! She was trying to kill me!"

"Foreplay," Shady growled. “She thinks of it as foreplay! Best date ever!” She dunked Nexxali who let out a yelp.

When the Marshal resurfaced, she was making sounds like an angry tea kettle. 

Shady grabbed my face with her large dark hand, squishing my cheeks. "Emperor explains dragon bond NOW. Full details. No square omissions!"

I tried to speak but it came out as "Mmmph gmmph fmmph" through my compressed face.

She released me slightly. "Speak!"

"Galateya Frontenachii’s great-grandmother Legate Ixthia ordered Galateya to bind me as her kobold," I explained rapidly. "A vvverry tighr deadline, backed by death threats. The usual Frontenachii hospitality package!"

"And you just... agreed?!" Shady's voice detonated across the lake, making us both wince.

"I modified the blood contract," I said. "Made it an equal partnership with an open circle clause."

Shady went very still. Silver eyes blinked at me. "Open. Circle. Clause?"

"For you!" I clarified. "Same as our bond! So you could re-join! We need more people, Omnids and prads to join our circle. Stronger together… as friends! Not just you and me, Shades… we need others if we’re to stand up to your planet-collecting family!”

She stared at me for a long moment, processing this. Then she smiled.

"Clever Emperor," she stated, pulling me closer. "Very clever. But also VERY STUPID! Should have waited for Princess! Should have called… on phone, consulted! Not nice! Made me worry!”

She dunked me again, this time holding me under while she apparently explained something to Nexxali, whose muffled protests I could hear even underwater.

I surfaced to find Nexxali nodding frantically. "Yes, Princess! I understand! No touching without permission! Hostage status! Full obedience! Please don't drown me anymore!"

"Good kitty," Shady patted Nexxali's head. "Now we discuss terms."

"Terms?" I wheezed.

"Yes! Princess joins dragon circle! Properly! With ceremonial dress and... and flowers! Not in stupid, wet, cold lake!"

“You’re the one who threw us into the damn lake,” I pointed out, teeth chattering.

“Surprise refreshment!” Shady grabbed both of us and plowed back out of the lake onto the shore. Nexxali let out a dying cat mewl as she was unceremoniously dropped onto the dry ground.

“You thought of a solution, yes, cat?” Bone-white teeth snapped in front of the serval’s exhausted face.

“P… prima,” Nexxali let out, trembling and cowering. “You can have Prima status in family order! Galateya… Hearth Keeper. That's the general Omnid tradition, what your Elders gave up, yes? Me… I’ll… I’ll be your most devoted Knight!”

“Hrmmm. You desire more.” Shady growled. “Do not deceive me!”

“Knight… with benefits!” Nexxai declared. “If… if you permit it, my Lady! Only out of devotion! I’m tired… so sick and tired of working for your Elders, tired of cleaning their messes, tired of having no life, of being shuttled from Earth to Earth, of telling everyone that everything is fine when it’s not… but I cannot simply escape my blood contract. I just want… I just want to be loved! Cared for! I just want a warm hearth to curl up near and enjoy nice wheeled pasta and tasty grass! Please!!!”

“Ffffffine,” Shady let out. “You will sleep on floor as kobold mine, cat. Probation circle! No screwing around! Betrayal circle instant death! Prove devotion circle!”

Nexxali nodded vigorously. Shady petted her wet ginger mane. The serval reached out with trembling hands and Shady hugged her. “Mine cat now. Mine and Ashy’s kobold forever. Understood?”

“Understood, my Princess,” Nexxali agreed, eyes filling with tears, hugging Shady fiercely. “Yours forever. Just give me purpose, give me a family! Give me a home! Please?”

Shady considered this, then grabbed both of us by our soaked collars and dragged us toward the Corpse Seeker like a mother cat relocating particularly troublesome kittens.

"Wet circles need warm hexagons!" She produced the most geometrically absurd statement about temperature regulation.

Kawathra, who had been watching the entire aquatic discipline session with the fascination of a bird observing an elk drowning a kitten, immediately began tapping her talons against crystalline panels. "Understood, my Lady! Initiating interior thermal regulation!"

The Seeker's interior transformed, the couch folding away to make a nest-like space for Shady to inhabit. Steam hissed from between hexagonal panels, projected by bioluminescent organelles pulsing with warm orange light.

Shady immediately claimed the nest-space, pulling us both against her like damp teddy bears. "Mine circles now. No escape. Only warm."

Nexxali gave up on maintaining any dignity and simply curled into Shady's side with a pathetic mewl. "Everything hurts. Water is evil. Lakes are canceled. Oceans are banned from my vicinity. Rain is on probation. I'm never leaving this warm spot."

Shady's clawed hand began gently stroking through Nexxali's wet mane. "Poor wet kitty. Princess pet."

"Yes pet is nice," Nexxali mumbled into Shady's fur. "Pet your Marshal Commandant."

"Wet cat commandant," Shady commented. Her other arm tightened around me, pulling me closer into her warmth. "And soggy Emperor. Both need Princess snuggle protocol."

I let myself sink into her embrace. After the freezing lake, Shady's body heat and the steam blasting from below felt like salvation. "Thanks for the impromptu lake bath. We have problems to solve, Shades."

"Problems wait. Warming first." She adjusted her position, wrapping her tail around all three of us like a fuzzy seatbelt. "Cat, you purr now."

"Oi, I don't just purr on command," Nexxali protested weakly, then immediately began purring as Shady found the perfect spot behind her ears.

"See? Better." Shady looked pleased with herself, copying the purring. "Ashy. Explain dragon problem as Princess circle warm service."

I explained about Galateya being back at the house, how she couldn't know our real identities because her great-grandmother would eventually interrogate her and how the dragon girl was awful at deception due to her Omnid xenotype.

Throughout my explanation, Shady kept us both firmly tucked against her. Her and Nexxali seemed to be in a purring competition.

"So Princess… needs another disguise," she concluded. "Like… bear suit?"

"Maybe, we could introduce you to Galateya as… another Wendigo commander," I suggested. "Someone who just happened to show up."

Kawathra, who had been politely pretending not to document what she probably considered 'inter-species bonding behavior,' pulled up more charts. "A clever plan! I'll search the database for similar-looking, misplaced commanders..."

"Got one! Commander Xandria Frontenachii from the 2nd Fleet," she announced after a moment. "Reported missing three years ago!"

"Missing where?" Nexxali asked from the depths of Shady's embrace.

"Missing as in dead?" I asked.

"Missing as in 'probably got lost in a dimensional dungeon full of angry geometry and is too embarrassed to ask for directions,'" Kawathra clarified. "The 2nd Fleet Arch-Datamancer hasn't officially declared her deceased to avoid paperwork in case she ever shows up. Dimensional dungeons tend to spit out the adventurers lost in them into random places at random times."

"Perfect. We will give Shady a makeover then." I said as the magpie summoned a photo of the Wendigo Commander Xandria.

"MAKEOVER CIRCLE!" Shady declared excitedly. "Princess gets new identity! Like witness protection but fancy!"

“Nexxali is too easy to read by a Wendigo too,” I contemplated. “Shades, think you can split her mind like you did with me?”

“Maybe,” Shady replied. “Later. Still learning how to Wendigo. Wouldn't want to break new soft circle cat.”

“Yes, please do not break your precious Commandant,” Nexxali voiced, sounding half asleep.

50: Interrogation

I turned to North strapped to her chair, jaw hanging at an unnatural angle. Her eyes tracked me with pure despair and anger sprinkled with obvious pain. The sight made my stomach twist as I definitely hadn't meant for Shady to hurt her this badly.

"Jesus, North," I said softly, escaping out of Shady’s embrace and crouching beside her chair. "That looks awful. Does it hurt as much as it looks?"

She blinked at me. Once. Twice. Each blink conveyed both agony and the promise of future retribution.

"Right, stupid question." I gently touched her shoulder, and she flinched. "I'm sorry about this. Shady gets... protective."

North's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

I stood and turned to Kawathra. "Does this Seeker have a 3D printer or fabrication capabilities?"

"Of course!" The magpie bobbed. "Every Corpse Seeker contains a full set of crystalline-organic assembly units. What do you require?"

"First, something for North's pain. Then I need to look the part for an interrogation. Can you make me a fancy golden skull mask that modulates my voice? And maybe a cape and a hexasuit that makes me look less lanky? Something properly... imperial."

Kawathra's eyes lit up. "Calculating design parameters!"

A crystalline arm slid out of the ceiling, scanning me.

Then, a wall beside us rippled, crystalline matter flowing and reshaping. In a few minutes, a compartment opened, revealing a small injector alongside items that looked straight out of a supervillain's wardrobe: a golden skull mask with intricate geometric patterns, a flowing red cape, and a sleek black hexasuit.

"The injector contains a crystalloid-compatible analgesic," Kawathra explained. "The mask contains voice modulation similar to what you had earlier. The cape has slight light-bending properties for dramatic effect. Hexasuit won't work for you fully, but it'll look nice, reshaping your figure."

I took the injector first, returning to North. "This should help with the pain. I'm going to inject it in your neck, okay?"

North's eyes darted between me and the injector. After a moment, she gave the tiniest nod.

The injection hissed against her neck. Almost immediately, her rigid posture relaxed slightly, and her eyes lost some of their murder-gleam.

"Better?" I asked.

She managed another nod, then gestured with her eyes toward her sister with an expression that implied 'hurry up and get on with it.'

"Right." I quickly stripped off all of my wet clothes and pulled on the hexasuit while the girls stared at me unnervingly. It felt warm and conforming to my body. The cape attached at the shoulders with magnetic-like clasps. Finally, I lifted the skull mask.

I slipped it on and it clicked closed.

When I spoke next, my voice came out as a deep, resonant boom that made even Nexxali's ears perk up.

"Perfect." I turned to face South suspended in the crystalline wall. "Kawathra, free her head only so she can speak."

The crystal around South's head liquified and pulled back, leaving her gasping.

“Whaaaaaa…” The vampire let out. Her eyes blinked, refocusing and then she stared at me. “Who the fuck are…”

“Greetings South. I’m the Emperor of Mankind,” I said.

Her teenage face twisted into a sneer. "Yeah, right. And I'm the Queen of fucking England. Nice Halloween costume, human dipshit. What is this, some kind of new, stupid Frontenachii interrogation technique?" 

Her eyes told a different story. She was scared… but perhaps not scared enough to be fully cooperative.

I gestured toward Shady. "May I present Princess Aquillianne Quantivia Frontenachii, my loyal consort."

Shady tilted her antlered head, silver eyes flaring. "Emperor mine speaks truth, vampire vegetable! Bow to superiority circles or face violence consequence squares!"

South's sneer faltered. "That's... no. Holy shit. The Frontenachii Princess. Fuuuuck."

I nodded.

"Don’t think that you’ll get away with this! My sister will—" she then began.

I pointed at North tied to the chair who looked at South with a distraught expression.

"Your sister attempted to kidnap me," I said simply. "My Princess consort took exception to that. Now, shall we discuss your family's operations on my planet, or do I need to be more persuasive?"

"Fuck you," South spat. "I'm not telling you shit!"

I sighed behind the mask. "Kawathra, increase the temperature of the wall surrounding our guest. Let's say... ten degrees per second. Say, what’s the reset point of a Crystalloid?"

"Acknowledged!" The magpie's talons danced across her interfaces. “Crystalloid reset point is 2200 degrees Celsius. After such, internal cohesion is lost and the network is reset, clearing all memory!”

The wall around South began to glow faintly orange. Within seconds, silver sweat beaded on her forehead.

"Stop!" she yelped. "That's—fuck, that hurts!"

"Then talk," I said. "Start with your family structure. Who survived the compound destruction?"

South glared at me, but as the heat increased, her resistance crumbled. "Just us! Me and North! Everyone else got fucking torched!"

"But their consciousness patterns are preserved in you both, yes?" I pressed. 

Her eyes widened slightly. "How do you—"

"I know many things. I simply wish to confirm what I already know.”

South gulped.

“I do wonder. How much of 'you' is actually you, and how much is your grandfather speaking through you?"

The temperature continued rising. South squirmed in the crystal prison. "It's—shit, turn it down! It's complicated, okay? I'm like... eighty percent converted. North's only fifty. That's why she drinks like a fucking…"

"Her drinking problem is related to her conversion rate?"

"Yes. She obviously drinks to shut them up!" South burst out. "The family voices. When you're not fully converted, they're just barely-coherent noise in your head. Whispers. But when you drink..." She grimaced as more sweat rolled down her face. "Alcohol disrupts the non-crystalline parts. Makes them quiet, dilutes the incessant demands."

I glanced at North, who was watching with pained eyes.

"And you?" I asked South. "Do you hear them clearly?"

"Crystal fucking clear," she said bitterly. "Grandfather's been screaming at me since the compound blew. Demanding I bring him back, find a quality host body, rebuild the family."

"Is that what you want? Or what he wants?"

"Does it matter?” South growled. “I can't tell where he ends and I begin anymore. Our individuality is just an illusion. We are a tree."

"So you're what, a philosophical zombie?" I mused. "A meat puppet for your grandfather's consciousness? An expression of your family’s desires?"

"Fuck you!" South snarled with extreme vehemence. "I'm still me! I still remember being sixteen, dying in that shitty ass hospital. I remember choosing this, choosing to live, choosing to stop the pain, even if it meant..." She trailed off.

"Even if it meant gradually losing yourself to the collective," I finished.

"We were supposed to stay somewhat as individuals," South let out. "That's what father promised me! Individual nodes in a greater network. But the longer we exist, the more the boundaries blur."

"When was North turned?" I asked.

"2002. She was eighteen, just out of high school. Born in '84. Grandfather picked her because she had latent magical potential, possibly enough to get North back," South laughed bitterly. "Joke's on him. That body's conversion rate is obviously shit. Fifty percent after twenty-plus years? That's pathetic."

"Or fortunate, depending on the perspective," I said. "She gets to remain longer as her human self."

"Yeah, well, that 'self' is a drunk goth who cries at sad movies and gives too much shit about humans," South sneered. "Real fucking useful."

The temperature was clearly becoming unbearable. South's face was flushed, her breathing rapid.

"Please,” she let out. “I’ll tell you whatever you want to know… just don’t erase me! It… it hurts.”

"Kawathra, reduce the temperature back to normal," I ordered.

The orange glow faded from the crystalline wall, and South sagged with relief, panting.

"Thank you," she gasped. "Fuck. That was... unpleasant."

"Now then," I said, settling onto a crystalline throne Kawathra produced beside me facing the vampire. "Let's have a civilized conversation. Tell me about your family's operations in Cascade. How long have you been here?"

"Since 1922," South replied, catching her breath. "Grandfather fled here from another Earth after the Frontenachii found us. We've been hiding in this valley ever since."

“Because it’s more magical, yes?”

“Yes. He clung to this damned town because it’s more magical.”

“What was your plan to move forward after you saw that the Frontenachii atomized your family’s hideout?”

“To head south.”

“Where south, specifically?”

“Roraima, Brazil.”

“Why?” 

“There might or might not be another fault there.” South shrugged. “Either way, there’s nothing left here for us.”

“How many people have your family killed since 1922?”

South bit her lip. Shady stared at her, eyes flashing. 

“Thousands,” Shady said in South’s voice.

“G-get out of my head, Wendigo!” South barked.

North’s eyes went wide.

“What for?” I demanded.

“Artifacts take human souls to create and to power up. It took a lot of death to set up the ward, a lot good it did us against a fuckin’ Corpse Seeker shot from orbit,” South scowled. 

“So,” I said. “Human souls are real then.”

South didn’t answer.

“They are,” Shady said in South’s voice, helpfully prying the secrets out of the vamp’s head. “A basic artifact such as the Philosopher’s Stone can be created by simply grinding thousands of people together, fusing their souls into an artifact.”

North let out a horrified noise.

“Why is your sister so surprised?” I asked.

“Not converted enough,” Shady said in South’s voice. “Grandfather was going to share the truth with North once her conversion reached sixty percent, take her to the lower levels of the compound catacombs. She would remember it herself in time. All the things she did. Who she is.”

"So the humans you've been harvesting to power up your ward and artifacts? Where did you get them from?"

"Criminals, drifters, people who wouldn't be missed. Hobos hiding the rails. Never locals." Shady said in South’s voice.

“Get out of my head, you fuck!” South spat.

“She’ll get out of your head if you confess these things faster,” I said. “So a single human is useless, but thousands of people ground up into paste and compressed are… magical artifact fuel?”

“Yes. It takes a lot of sacrifice to make a vamp too because of how thick the local Aether is,” South ground out. 

“How many would you have to kill to set up a new base in Roraima?” I asked.

South bit her lip.

“Fifty thousand people.” Shady answered for her. “Drug lords and human traffickers are useful for that sorta thing.”

North's expression became aghast. She made muffled sounds through her dislocated jaw, silver tears streaming down her face.

"Your sister didn't know about the mass murder plans then?" I asked South, though the answer was obvious.

"She's still too human to understand the necessity," South saud. “Too soft. Not herself enough.”

"How did a sixteen-year-old dying of leukemia get selected?"

South's teenage face twisted. "I practically begged for it. I was dying anyway. Father took pity on me, said I reminded him of his daughter. The leukemia actually helped… my compromised immune system couldn't fight off the crystalloid infection as hard."

“Not herself?” I wondered. “What does that even mean exactly? Who are you?”

“A long, long time ago,” South began. “There was a family of arch-mages. Thirty three humans. The Lords of Nox, servants of the Empress of the Void. Due to a revolt of the White Magi and the death of their Empress, they had to flee their citadel. In fear of getting their throats slit by their former comrades… they bound their souls to themselves, to their husbands, wives and children.”

North stared.

“They were all caught by Seer-hunters and executed. But their children were spared. I was spared. South Yon Noxxag, my name,” South sighed, silver eyes flashing at the other vampire. “North Yon Noxxagam, my older sister. Plus our cousins. The magnanimous White mages spared the children. It was a mistake. As North and I aged and also didn’t age… our bodies crystallized. We… remembered things. Remembered the secret knowledge of our parents and grandparents. Remembered the ritual that split thirty three souls across thirty three bodies. Grandfather and others spoke to us in our dreams, demanding we bring them all back.”

North choked, swallowing tears.

"So North doesn't remember being North Yon Noxxagam?" 

North shook her head.

“She will eventually,” South said. “The process is inescapable, inevitable. It is simply slower on this Earth.”

51: Biomass

"And you've been body-hopping for how long?" I asked.

“Millenia,” South sighed. “It took a lot of deaths to bring back all thirty three of us. We had to flee our original world to escape the wrath of the White Magi.”

“You didn’t get to all thirty three here, right?” I said.

“We would in time,” South said. “We do not age. This world’s shoddy Aether made the full tree manifestation… complicated, slower.”

“The other crystalloid colonies in other worlds,” I contemplated. “Are they your copies? The same cursed, undying family tree blooming on different worlds? What happens after you get all thirty three branches back? Do you spread further? Create… extra branches or something?”

South's eyes darted between me and her sister and Shady who would inevitably pull the truth out of her regardless. "We... yes. Once all thirty-three are restored, we can create new, similar branches. They’re pretty much copies of a particular soul out of the original thirty three.”

“Is there divergence?” I wondered. “Would two copies of your grandfather fight each other? Like if the Frontenachii orbital strike missed your grandfather and then you also made a copy of your grandfather in my body, which one would tell the family what to do?”

“The older grandfather would rule,” South said. “The younger would be treated as a younger… brother. They would rarely disagree. There would be some divergence, sure, but it would be minor and it would vanish as the younger body would fully crystallize. There would be no infighting if that’s what you’re wondering about. Copies of the same branch, the same soul tend to agree on almost all decisions. The elder soul would eventually subsume the younger mentally. You’re still thinking of us as individuals… Emperor. We are not. We are a tree, united in purpose. We do not argue. We do not change after solidifying fully, do not age. We act as one. We bloom from snipped branches given enough time and… fertilizer.”

“Fertilizer of mundane human souls,” I said.

South nodded.

“This is some effed up shit,” Nexxali voiced. 

“What, the Frontenachii never bothered to interrogate the vamps about their family lore?” I wondered.

“Nobody asks cattle about its family lore,” the Marshal shrugged. “The Frontenachii don’t care for such things, they care about usability of a thing. Chatting with the vamps about their history is a pointless waste of time, they’re far more helpful as crystalline weapon processors.”

“But they know things,” I pointed out. “Magical secrets.”

“Which were probably pulled out of them long long ago by the lucky Wendigo Commander who ran into them first,” Nexxali shrugged. “Probably. I dunno.”

“Things are different on every world,” I said. “Your rules of magic don’t work on our Earth.”

“I suppose,” the serval shrugged. “Regardless, the protocol is to blast ‘em from orbit to melt them to useful slag, otherwise they scatter like roaches via their dimensional gates.”

I leaned forward on my crystalline throne, studying South through the skull mask's eye holes. The teenage vampire's revelations had given me ideas, but I needed more information.

"Tell me about your resurrection process," I said. "How exactly does bringing back a family member work?"

South's eyes narrowed. "Why do you want to know?"

"Because understanding your nature helps me decide what to do with you," I replied. "The Frontenachii see you as raw materials. I'm trying to determine if there's another option."

"You mean besides melting us down?" South laughed bitterly. "How generous."

"Answer the question."

She sighed. "We need a host body with magical potential. The more potential, the faster the conversion. Then we inject our crystalline matrix into them via blood transfusions.”

“The host's consciousness gets... overwritten gradually as the crystallization progresses." I said. “Plus you can shift your crystalline skin around to be prettier, yes?”

South nodded.

“Could you make a bear into a vampire?” I asked. “Bring your grandfather back as an… animal?”

“That's insane and gross… grandfather would never…”

“If there was no other choice?” I asked.

“Maybe?” South shrugged. “That's not something we've ever considered.”

I turned to look at North, who was trembling in her chair. "North, if I fixed your jaw, would you help us?"

Her eyes went wide. She nodded frantically.

"Shady, can you reset her jaw without breaking it worse?"

"Can try!" Shady bounded over to North, studying her face with intense concentration. "Vampire vegetable, this might hurt like square."

Shady grabbed North's jaw and—CRACK—snapped it back into place. North screamed, then gasped, working her jaw experimentally.

"Thank you," North croaked, her voice hoarse. "Thank you, thank you."

"North," I said. "Your sister just revealed that you're fragments, copies of copies of an ancient magical family that's been body-hopping for millennia. How does that make you feel?"

"Like I want to get very, very drunk," North admitted. "I... I don't… really don't want to become someone else."

"You're denying your true nature." South said. “You cannot escape what you are. You will remember yourself. You will want to bring the others back. They will haunt your every waking moment until you do as they say.”

North shuddered.

I considered the situation. Two vampires, one mostly converted and loyal to the family tree consciousness, one resisting with everything she had. There was potential here.

"South," I said. "Your family's been running from the Frontenachii for how long?"

"Since their fleet found our colony on Seleniistar."

"The Frontenachii see you as materials because that's all they know how to see. Tools, weapons, resources. But you're obviously more than that. You're a distributed consciousness with thousands of years of magical knowledge. That has value beyond being turned into gun parts."

"You want to use us too," South guessed.

"Yes, but I will also offer you a choice," I corrected. "The Frontenachii won't give you that. They'll just melt you. I'm proposing an alliance."

"Against the Frontenachii?" South laughed. "You're mad. They have fleets, legions of blood-bound prads, planet-cracking weapons! What do you have?"

"This entire planet," I said simply. "Eight billion humans who are very good at being very persistent and creative when threatened. Rare people with particular mindset and skills who can be pushed in the right direction. And now, potentially, rare vampires who know things the Frontenachii don't."

"Like what?"

"Like how to make artifacts from souls," I said. "The Frontenachii don't know that's possible here, do they? They think Earth's magic is too weak."

“You want us to make artifacts… out of your own people?" North let out staring at me with a horrified expression.

"I want you to help defend Earth in exchange for protection and a place to exist without being melted down," I said. "Your knowledge, our resources. A partnership, not enslavement."

"Grandfather would never agree to that," South said immediately. "He doesn't partner with lesser, mortal beings."

"Grandfather got his entire compound atomized from orbit," I pointed out. "Maybe his decision-making could use some… review. Besides, can you prove that I am your lesser or mortal?"

South huffed.

Shady, who had been listening intently, perked up. "Emperor mine is wise circle! Vampires help, vampires stay! Everyone wins except square Frontenachii Dominion!"

"You do get that you need large numbers of human sacrifices to make artifacts, right?" South asked. "You'd have to cull your own people! Tens of thousands of them!"

"Nome of that," I said firmly, thinking of the fate of the 50k Emperor. "We're not mass murdering people."

"Then we can't make anything powerful or useful enough to matter!" The eternal teenager insisted. “Even after a century of living in Cascade we got insta-fucked by a single Corpse Seeker! Those fuckers have thousands of dragon tanks!”

"What about people who are already dying?" Kawathra interjected, looking up from her charts. "Earth has approximately 60 million deaths per year from various causes. If even a small percentage volunteered their... essence... for planetary defense..."

Everyone turned to stare at the magpie.

"What?" she said defensively. "It's just data optimization. Waste not, want not."

"That's..." South paused, running mental calculations. "That could actually work. Voluntary donation of souls at death. We'd need infrastructure, collection methods, but..."

"Alternative solutions clearly exist," I said, shuddering internally at the prospect of grinding souls of the dying into tools. "You just never looked for them because your grandfather was stuck in his old patterns. Because you’re all the same thirty three souls, making the same dumb ass decisions on every world you infest.”

North stared. South frowned.

“Hang on. Do local bugs have souls?” I asked. “Do animals have souls? Do plants have souls?”

South opened and closed her mouth. Her eyes bulged.

“What, you’ve never considered harvesting mosquitoes, algae or cows to try to make a Philosopher’s Stone?” I asked, smiling under my mask at South’s shocked face. “See, this is what I’m talking about!”

“You’re all squares!” Shady stated with a regal nod like she was the wisest person in the room.

“Abyss Eternal. Compressed biomass… to create artifacts,” Nexxali muttered. “Slayer, Emperor. If this is how your world works then this is very, very dangerous knowledge. Knowledge that the Frontenachii high command cannot be allowed to gain, or they will build human and animal compressing factories here to mass produce artifacts.”

"Say we agree to this insane plan of… compressing mosquitoes or whatever,” South huffed after a minute of contemplation. “What happens to me and North then?"

“You get to live,” I said. “In my mansion. As statues. Maybe inside suits of armor. Or inside bear pelts. Thinking very slowly. Experimenting with bugs, thinking outside your boxes, understanding the nature of magic on my planet, making artifacts and thralls for me to confuse the Frontenachii with.”

"The Scruts will smell us eventually," South pointed out.

"Not if you're thinking like trees," I said. "Slower thought patterns, different frequency. They're looking for active crystalloid consciousness."

"That's... really fucking weird," South admitted grudgingly. “But not stupid weird, if it works… I suppose.”

North nodded.

"I have my moments," I shrugged. "So, do we have a deal?"

South looked at her sister, then at Shady's intimidating form, then back at me. "I want guarantees. Protection. Resources. A place to rebuild without getting fucked."

"You'll get them," I said. "But in exchange, you share your knowledge. Help defend Earth. And absolutely no murdering or compressing humans into artifacts. Also, no moving faster than people or thinking faster than people."

"Voluntary donations… thinking slower…" South pursed her lips. "This is going to be so weird explaining to Grandfather when he manifests."

"If he manifests at all," I said. "Thinking slower might delay and interfere with such. Hell, what if you learn a new language and think only in that? Would your grandfather even understand you if you thought in binary code, for example?”

“He’s in every crystalline cell. He knows what I know,” South said. “So he obviously would.”

“Whatever,” I shrugged. “This agreement is with you as your family’s primary carrier and with North as an independent vampire. Do we have a pact? Will you join our circle as our… equals?"

South was quiet for a minute. Then finally: "Yes. Fuck it. Yes. Thinking slower is… better than being melted down."

“Is she being honest?” I turned to Shady.

“Yes, vampire square is terrified of being unmade,” Shady said. “She will cooperate. North will cooperate even harder. She truly does not wish humans to die to make magic rocks.”

"Excellent." I stood up, "Kawthy release South but keep her under surveillance. We have work to do."

As the crystalline wall released the teenage vampire, I couldn't help but think I'd just made either the best or worst decision of my odd new career as Earth's self-appointed Emperor.

Time would definitely tell which.

“Shady, snip North off the chair,” I added. The Wendigo let go of the cat, stood up and snipped the ropes and chains, freeing North from her bindings.

South rushed to North and hugged her fiercely. The two sisters wept into each other’s embrace. 

“North,” I said.

“Yes… my Emperor?” The immortal goth asked submissively.

“As the crystalloid who’s still mostly human, you’re in charge of your sister,” I said. "Keep her human. Help her remember what it's like to just... be a person."

North looked uncertain, wiping sparkling tears from her face. "I don't know how to—"

"Start with normal sister stuff," I suggested. "When was the last time you two just hung out? Watched a movie? Painted each other's nails? Had a pillow fight?"

South scoffed. "We're ancient consciousness blooms, not—"

"You're also teenage girls," I interrupted. "At least physically. And North works at a grocery store. She's been living as humanly as possible. Learn from her. Don't get bogged down in your collective, repetitive thoughts.”

"SISTER BONDING CIRCLE!" Shady clapped. "Very important!”

I looked back to the vampire sisters from the happy Wendigo. "Look, you're going to be living in my house. I'd rather have somewhat normal roommates than creepy undead consciousnesses plotting world domination in my basement."

"We don't plot world domination," South protested. "We plot... survival, growth."

“Being human is essential to your survival here! The Fronetanchii are but a few. Their weapons aren’t vast in number, limited by how many vampires they’ve scraped from other worlds. We humans, on the other hand, fill this planet in the billions. If you wish to live here with us you must enjoy human things, become more aligned with humanity.” I pointed out. "North, what's something normal you've always wanted to do with your sister?"

North bit her lip, looking at South shyly. "I... I…”