Stupid Sexy Cryptids: [16-19]

16: Cultural War

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: I have Princess Aquillianne Quantivia Frontenachii in my custody. She appointed me as her planetary Administrator.

I half-lied.

The chat went silent for a moment.

[Rasputin (ʘ益ʘ)]: ...you have the alien Princess? The one they're looking for?

[Rasputin (ʘ益ʘ)]: Did you CAUSE this invasion by kidnapping their Princess?!

Napoleon (ᕗ ͠° ਊ ͠° )ᕗ: holy shit

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: No. I didn't kidnap her. She came to Earth willingly, seeking refuge from her family. She scrambled her Astral signature, hiding from the Scrutimancers and her family mistakenly presumed that she was killed on our planet.

[Sherlock Holmes (⌐■-■)و ̑̑]: You're harboring a fugitive alien princess and that's why they're here?

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Yes. But also no. They would have come eventually anyway. As you’ve read from Napoleon’s report, Earth is a "Grade-3 resource world" to them. The Princess's disappearance simply forced them to reveal their hand early. Do note that their high lords look like Wendigos, known cryptids from Algonquian native american folklore and that the Pradavarian Wolves who serve them are practically werewolves in their appearance. What does this imply?

[Sherlock Holmes (⌐■-■)و ̑̑]: That their scouts have been to our Earth centuries ago.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Exactly. The Princess sought refuge on Earth because she disagreed with her family disassembling human children into an arrangement of organs, kept alive forever as flesh batteries.

The chat became quickly populated with shocked and angry comments. Dax muted everyone except for me.

I switched to voice>text narration as pasta required stirring.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Understand that I took the mantle of Emperor of Earth not because I desire power but because their princess dropped herself on my lap. Even if I hand her over, they'll still classify Earth as harvestable. At least with her here, I have some leverage. More leverage than anyone else. I don’t really want this much responsibility, but that’s the situation.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: As it stands now, I am the only person on Earth with personal access to a Frontenachii highborn and it is my job to unearth their deepest secrets just as it is your job to unravel the weaknesses of the Dominion solders, the Pradavarian Scruts.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: We cannot fail. If we do, then Earth becomes a colony of the Frontenachii Dominion, humans become resources, and anyone who questions the Frontenachii rule will get to spend eternity as organic batteries in a suitcase.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Don’t assume things about the aliens, instead seek to understand how to best take advantage of their unique weaknesses. We humans are persistence hunters. Our ancestors would chase prey for hours, days even, until it collapsed from exhaustion. That persistence is woven into every aspect of our civilization.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: We write millions of books every year. Romance novels alone number in the hundreds of thousands. We produce thousands of movies, millions of YouTube videos, millions of songs, billions of images. We have been creating art for over 40,000 years, telling stories around campfires that became myths that became religions that became franchises worth billions.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: In war, we turned from clubs to swords to guns to bombs to viruses. We've poisoned each other with everything from hemlock to polonium. We've manufactured plastics that will outlast us by generations, created marketing campaigns that convinced people smoking was healthy, then convinced them it wasn't, then convinced them vaping was different.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: We spent centuries figuring out how to cure diseases, then immediately weaponized those cures. We mapped the human genome just to see if we could. We split the atom for the same reason. We went to the moon not because it was easy, but because it was hard.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: The Frontenachii think they can occupy us? They have, what, a few thousand Prad soldiers across the entire planet? We have 8 billion humans who get bored easily and love to create problems just to solve them. We invented bureaucracy, for fuck's sake. We can drown them in paperwork alone.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Every Pradavarian soldier MUST have a human friend or two within a week. If we achieve this goal, within a month, they'll be arguing about whether Batman could beat Superman. Within a year, they'll have favorite coffee shops and opinions about which Star Wars trilogy is best. We don't need to defeat them. We need to ABSORB them, take them from their Frontenachii masters.

I texted Dex to unmute the others, having run out of clever, motivational thoughts.

[Cleopatra (✿◠‿◠)]: So we're going to... befriend them to death?

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: We're going to do what humans do best: we're going to persist and outlast them. We're going to be so aggressively helpful, so overwhelmingly friendly, so loving and absolutely confusing that they'll either give up or join us. 

Every Scrut who accepts a drink from a human is one step closer to questioning their orders. Every novel they read searching for "magic secrets" is another layer of confusion. Every tour through “David Copperfield’s International Museum of Magic” will erode their understanding of our world.

[Sun Tzu ( ͡°_ʖ ͡°)☯]: ah. The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. 

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Exactly. They expect armed resistance or cowering submission. They don't expect billions of humans doing random irrational things in the name of their religion while some of us are actively trying to be their best friends while simultaneously using fiction to gaslight them about the nature of local reality. They came looking for a conquest. We're going to give them an experience.

[Galileo (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧]: Emperor, what about the Corpse Seekers and sentient guns? We can't exactly buy those crystal centipedes or metal spiders drinks.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Why not? According to the Warsaw report, the Corpse Seekers and guns are bred tools, not soldiers. They respond to threats and make jokes and care for their owners. Don't be threatening. Have children draw chalk art around them. Have street musicians play near them. Play magic series audiobooks next to them on loudspeaker. Show them card tricks or other basic ‘magic’. 

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Test their reactions carefully. Maybe they like certain frequencies of sound or light patterns. Everything has a weakness. Every system has a loophole. Figure out what interests and distracts them the most. Put on costumed shows next to each Corpse Seeker that never end around the clock. Maybe they have a limit of RAM that we can fill up with fictional nonsense. 

[Sherlock Holmes (⌐■-■)و ̑̑]: and if their weapons and tanks are fully sapient?

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: It's your job to understand how sapient their tools are. Maybe treat them as special, in a way that no subjugated species would treat a gun. Find someone brave and weird enough to ask a gun or a Corpse Seeker out on a date.

The chat descended into a brawl of shocked comments.

"PERSISTENCE CIRCLE!" Shady announced, wrapping her tail around my waist. "Emperor persists! BEEP BEEP!"

I absently patted her head and reactivated my microphone.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Remember: We convinced people to pay $5 for coffee that costs a few cents to manufacture. We made pet rocks a million-dollar industry. We turned watching other people play video games as 2.5D anime girls on gwitch into a career. If we can do all that to ourselves, imagine what we can do to confused aliens who think that cultivation is real. Convince them that v-tubers are magic beings that are hiding amidst human civilization!

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Our vast numbers are not something they know how to deal with. There are people out there who are incredibly passionate about guns, cars and planes. The diversity and weirdness of humanity are our advantages in this war. The furry agents succeeded because they are humans who genuinely appreciate anthropomorphic aliens. In mundane times they exist at the edge of our civilization as a cultural deviation bubble, but now they are our living weapon against alien invaders who can read intent!

Dax posted the [Modern problems require modern solutions 😎] meme.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Document everything. Discover what makes them laugh, what confuses them, what they find attractive. Create a shared database of alien responses. This is anthropology in real-time. We're going to science the shit out of this invasion, just as we scienced the shit out of plants, animals, bacteria and viruses.

[Cleopatra (✿◠‿◠)]: The velociraptors are asking about "Jurassic Park" and whether we really brought dinosaurs back to life.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Tell them yes, but the dinosaurs escaped and are hiding really well in deep forests because they’re clever girls. Send them on endless wild goose chases. Every hour they spend searching for fictional things is another hour they're not dissecting humans and putting us into boxes.

[Joan of Arc ⚔(ง'̀-'́)ง]: The owl Scruts are now convinced the Louvre contains statues and bones that come alive at night because someone's memories of "Night at the Museum" were too vivid.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Perfect. Encourage that. Tell them that things come alive on our planet when they’re not being directly observed, aka the Toy Story plot. Take them to the Louvre and play snippets from Night at the Museum film on your phones to them. 

The pasta sauce started to bubble over. I quickly turned down the heat, stirring frantically.

"BUBBLE CIRCLE DANGER!" Shady helpfully announced, hopping around me. "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! This is a PASTA EMERGENCY!"

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Make our Earth the Florida of the multiverse - too fucking weird to understand. Make them perpetually preoccupied with dissection of our mythos instead of dissecting us. Understood?

[Rasputin (ʘ益ʘ)]: Understood! My men will show them illustrated children's books about Baba Yaga and Koshei, tell them that both are hiding in Siberian taiga.

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: See, now you’re getting it. Add a logic loop that cannot be easily disproven. Example: Koshei’s citadel of bones is packed with magic artifacts that cast a spell that makes many people believe that he’s not real. Baba Yaga brews potions that make people who encounter her forget that she’s real. The wizards from Harry Potter use memory-modding magic spells to hide from muggles. Men in Black is a real government agency that uses special flashlights that make people forget that there’s a fuckton of magic critters and alien monsters hiding amongst us. Apply this principle across the board and watch them freak the fuck out.

A chorus of acknowledgments flooded the chat. The lieutenants seemed to understand their jobs, promising that they’ll do their best to expand the resistance in all sorts of directions and to boggle the aliens down in a fictional mire.

My tablet buzzed with a private message from Dax.

[Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: Great speech, my Emperor, the people are hell-a-motivated now. How are u doin otherwise? Need anything?

[Emperor of Earth ಠ_ಠ]: Running low on food and funds. Can't exactly leave to look for work now or even visit a shop as I need to stay with the Princess 24/7. She's... high maintenance Wendigo who eats more than five people and she forgot how to appear like a dog on camera.

[Zorro(╯°Z°）╯]: on it

He went offline without another word. Classic Dax—all action. Maybe he finally fell asleep.

I turned my attention back to the stove where the pasta had finished cooking. Shady was now hanging upside down from the kitchen stool, antlers scraping the floor, making submarine periscope noises.

"PING! PING! Submarine circle detected PASTA coordinates!" she announced, rotating slowly upside down, spine bent at an absurd question mark angle. "BEEP! Engage eating protocols!"

"Right side up first," I said, pulling her to sit up. "Can't eat upside down."

"Can't eat upside down!" she repeated in my voice, then added in some news anchor's tone, "Breaking news: gravity exists! This is PASTA!"

I served the pasta onto two plates, watching as Shady examined hers with intense concentration. She picked up a single spaghetti strand with her claws, held it up to the light, and declared, "WORM! Circle worm! Very suspicious!"

"It's pasta, not a worm."

"PASTA WORM!" She slurped it up with a sound like a cartoon vacuum cleaner. "Acceptable worm!”

I watched her attack the pasta with excessive enthusiasm, getting sauce all over her muzzle. After being shown such, she eventually understood how to twirl the pasta on the fork but kept missing her mouth by several inches, decorating her cheeks with marinara.

"You've got sauce on your... everywhere," I said with a sigh, grabbing a napkin.

"Everywhere is a circle!" she announced proudly, slapping the plate and exploding the pasta all over her front. "Hard circle tastes of BEEP!" She added, pawing at the pasta on her chest and stuffing it into her mouth, getting even more coated in sauce.

The doorbell rang, distracting me from the pasta and sauce coated Wendigo.

"DING DONG!" Shady mimicked, stealing pasta from my plate. "This is bell circle! EMERGENCY sounds!"

I glance at my tablet. 6:43 PM. Too late for deliveries, and Jake the internet tech had fled hours ago. Maybe he was back because he forgot some tools or something?

I walked from the kitchen across the hall to the entrance.

Through the stained glass panels of the front door, I could make out a distinctive feminine silhouette. My stomach dropped.

North.

17: Northward

"Shady, TV room. Now," I hissed, grabbing her sauce-covered face.

"TV room circle!" she agreed, but didn't move.

The doorbell rang again. "Ash? I know you're in there. Your Jeep's in the driveway." She yelled.

"Shit." I grabbed Shady's arm, hauling her toward the den. "Important Princess business: watch TV and be quiet."

"QUIET CIRCLE! BEEP—"

I clamped my hand over her mouth. She licked my palm. "Silent circles. Very important silent circles."

She nodded solemnly, silver eyes wide. I shoved her into the TV room, cranked the volume on some nature documentary about penguins, and quickly locked the door. Then the hallway door. Then the kitchen door for good measure.

"PENGUIN CIRCLES!" I heard her shout through three sets of doors. "ACCEPTABLE BIRDS!"

I grabbed my house keys and stepped outside, pulling the thick front door shut behind me with a click.

North stood on my porch in a black peacoat and dark jeans, gray eyes scanning my face. The porch light caught shiny purple streaks in her dark hair, making them shimmer like oil slicks.

A car was parked in the driveway. It looked like a 1934 Packard, all swooping fenders and chrome details, deep black color and shaded windows. The kind of car Al Capone would have enjoyed.

"You didn't text me," she said without preamble. 

“Yeah,” I agreed. “Kind of preoccupied the whole alien invasion thing. Been watching TV all day. Sup?”

"Sup?" North's eyebrows arched. "That's your response? You're alone in a mansion that's practically falling apart, in the middle of nowhere, during an actual alien invasion, and you're going with 'sup?'"

"I mean..." I shrugged, trying to appear casual while listening for any Shady-related noises from within the house. "What else am I supposed to say? 'Hello, thanks for checking if the aliens murdered me yet?'"

"That would be a start." She crossed her arms, the movement making her silver rings catch the dying light. "Do you have any idea what's happening in town? People are losing their minds."

"About the aliens?"

"About everything, yeah. The Morrison's hardware store got cleaned out of generators and camping gear. Gas station's limiting fuel to ten gallons per person. Walgreens is already out of batteries, bottled water, and..." she paused, "toilet paper, because apparently that's still the best panic-buy of choice even during an alien invasion. Yumland’s already been cleared out of nearly all groceries and I didn’t happen to see you or your… dog stocking up there.”

From deep inside the house came a muffled "COME BACK, BEST CIRCLE! I NEED THE EMPEROR PENGUIN!"

North's eyes flicked toward the sound. "You have company?"

"Just the TV. Documentary about penguins. Very educational."

She studied me for a long moment with an uncomfortably perceptive look. 

"You worry about every random customer you give your number to?" I deflected.

"I don't give my number to random customers," she said flatly. "I gave it to you. The new guy who just inherited a creepy-ass fire-hazard-central mansion.”

“You think that I’m going to set my house on fire or something?”

“I think that if anything happens the fire department or police won’t come,” she said. “I didn't just come here to check if you were alive. Though that was part of it."

"Oh?"

North shifted her weight. "Things are getting bad out there, Ash. Not here in Cascade, we're too small and isolated by mountain roads. But Portland? Seattle? The big cities are effed hard. People are panicking, breaking into stores, stealing supplies. The power grid's already struggling in some areas. Water treatment plants are running on skeleton crews because half the workers fled."

"The aliens haven't actually attacked anyone who wasn't a government official," I pointed out.

"Yet," North said. "But people don't care about 'yet.' They see warships in orbit, giant crystal centipedes and animal soldiers with guns, and they lose their minds. The government's barely functional since the Vice President signed the surrender declaration to the Frontenachii Dominion. Supply chains are breaking down. It's only been less than a day since they dropped the moon on us. Give it a week and the entire nation will catch on fire."

“And?”

“And I want you to come with me.”

“Where?”

“To my family's place.”

"Love to, but can't. I'll manage."

"Will you?" She stepped closer, and I caught a whiff of something metallic beneath her flowery perfume. "You've got no supplies, no backup power, no way to defend yourself if things go sideways. The nearest neighbor is miles away."

"I said I'll manage."

"Come on," she insisted, "My family has a farm in the mountains. We've got a generator, a well with clean water, enough food stockpiled to last months. Even an old bunker my paranoid grandpa built during the Cold War."

"That's... generous," I said carefully, "but I can't leave."

"Why not?"

"I just moved in. I've got stuff to do."

"What stuff?”

“Work stuff. I gotta find work.”

“Job hunting during an alien invasion?" Her gray eyes narrowed. "Or is it… something else?"

"DOCUMENTARY PENGUIN EMPIRE! BEEP BEEP! Where did Emperor go? CIRCLE NEEDS MORE PASTA!" Shady yelled unhelpfully.

Something shifted in North’s posture. "That doesn't sound like a documentary."

"YouTube documentaries have weird joke narration sometimes."

"Ash," Her voice dropped to a low growl. "I'm trying to save you, damn it. My family... We're prepared for this kind of thing. We have resources. Connections. You don't have to weather this alone."

"Thanks, but I'm good here."

"You're not listening." She grabbed my wrist where Shady had bruised it. I winced, and she noticed, her fingers tracing the purple marks. "Someone did this to you. Someone strong."

I pulled my hand back. "I'm clumsy. A rope caught me."

"These look like thumb prints." She stepped even closer, close enough that I could see flecks of crystallized silver dancing in her gray eyes. "What are you hiding, Ash?"

"Nothing. I just prefer to stay here."

"Even if the power goes out? Even if the water stops? Even if those fucks," she gestured vaguely skyward where we both knew alien ships orbited, "decide to start harvesting people?"

"Even then."

Her jaw tightened. "You're being stupid."

"Maybe. Still staying."

"I'm trying to save your life!"

"I didn't ask you to."

She stared at me for a long moment. "Fine. I tried being nice to you, mageling. Emerge e sarcophago. Pacifica canem nigram."

I blinked as she inexplicably switched to Latin, her voice resonating unnaturally across the clearing like a gunshot.

The doors of the black car opened. Four men stepped out, and immediately, every instinct I had screamed wrong.

They wore suits, all black with thin pinstripes, complete with fedoras tilted at identical angles. But it was their faces that made my skin crawl. They looked human the way a mannequin looks human. All the right features in all the right places, but something fundamental was missing. Their skin was too wrinkly, like plastic stretched over a frame. Their expressions were fixed in identical eerie smiles, eyes hidden by reflective, round glasses.

Each carried a Thompson submachine gun, the old Chicago Typewriter style.

North moved faster than I could say ‘what the fuck’, kicking my feet out from under me. As my face and chest slammed into the wooden porch, her knee dug into my back, my hands pulled back. Handcuffs snapped over my wrists.

A dark shadow erupted from the side of the house like a freight train made of fury and antlers, a side door flying out into the woods. Shady moved faster than I'd ever seen her move, even faster than when she'd grabbed my tablet in the shower. One moment the four suited men were raising their Tommy guns, the next they were... pieces.

Black fluid, blood that was too dark, too thick to be human, splattered across the driveway. An arm still clutching a tommy gun went cartwheeling into the hedges. A fedora rolled across the driveway, its owner's head nowhere in sight. Wet tearing sounds mixed with unnatural bubbling and hissing noises, like someone feeding a variety of furniture and fluids into a woodchipper.

North yelped above me as seven feet of enraged cryptid princess reached us. She flew off me kicked by a dark furry foot, her body obliterating the wooden balustrade. She hit the gravel hard, rolling twice before Shady pounced off the porch landing atop the vampire girl.

"UNACCEPTABLE CIRCLE!" Shady roared, her massive jaws closing around North's throat. A low, rumbling growl vibrated through the air, making the remaining intact windows rattle.

"Shady, stop!" I wheezed, struggling to my knees, handcuffs rattling on my wrists. My body throbbed and protested where it was slammed into the wooden porch. "Don't kill her!"

"BAD CIRCLE MESS EMPEROR!" Shady snarled around North's neck, not loosening her dark clawed grip. "VERY BAD! BEEP! BEEP! REQUIRED!"

I limped off the porch, nearly tripping over a torn leg. The "men" weren't bleeding like humans. Their black ichor steamed in the evening air, smelling of rot, copper and something chemical, like antifreeze.

"Damn it. Should have brought more thralls," North hissed through clenched teeth, her gray eyes flashing in the gloom. Actually flashing, like a cat's, but the wrong color entirely. Pure silver.

Thunder rumbled overhead. Fat raindrops began to fall, mixing with the black blood on the gravel, creating oil-slick rainbows in the dying light.

"Thralls?" I asked, though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. "You're actually a vampire? Fucking count chocula over here, trying to do what? Thrall me up too?”

"VAMPIRE CIRCLE!" Shady announced, tail swishing aggressively. 

North stared at Shady, taking in the full seven feet of muscle, antlers, and barely contained violence currently pinning her down. "What the fuck?"

"Meet my lovely roommate," I said. "She's very protective."

"That's not an undead construct.”

"Never said she was."

“I don’t…” North panted, her face sullen. “...Understand. Why… is a Wendigo Omnid protecting a human? That… doesn’t make any sense.”

“You don’t get to ask questions, Miss Chocula,” I said. “I’m the one who asks questions and you better answer truthfully or my Wendigo will chew your pretty face right off. She can smell lies with her thought-catching hooks. One lie adds an inch of teeth digging in. Right Shades?”

“CIRCLE EMPEROR PROTECT. CHOCULA TASTY. NOM.” Shady growled, skull-head with pure white teeth closing like a vice, claws digging deeper, piercing skin.

North gulped, silver, sparkly blood welling up where pure Wendigo canines and claws dug in.

“A-ask y-your question t-then,” she let out. “I… I won’t lie! P-p-promise! I know that these fuckers can pull thoughts from anyone’s head.”

“Why did you just try to abduct me?”

"The… my glamour..." North let out, trembling. "You can clearly see through… glamours. You said I was a vampire. Mundane humans don’t notice these things.”

"BAD CIRCLE!" Shady stated, drooling on North's face. "EMPEROR MINE! NO VAMPIRE CIRCLES ALLOWED!"

Rain was coming down harder now, soaking through my shirt, washing the black blood into dark rivers that ran toward the storm drains. One of the thralls twitched, trying to crawl towards its master, the body missing everything below the ribcage. 

Shady's long tail whipped out like a gunshot, reducing it to scattered parts with a wet crunch.

"Your thralls," I said, "What are they?”

"Undead constructs," North admitted. "Recently deceased corpses, preserved with formaldehyde and animated with my blood."

"SMOOSHED CIRCLES!" Shady confirmed, grinning wide. "PASTA SAUCE EVERYWHERE!"

"You were actually going to kidnap me?" I asked.

"Recruit," North corrected. "My family needs people with unique abilities. Humans who can see through glamours and command constructs are incredibly rare. Valuable. Especially now with the Frontenachii fleet parked in orbit."

"So the whole 'come to our mountain bunker' thing..."

"We do have a bunker." She tried to shift, but Shady's claws tightened incrementally. "I really was trying to do this the nice way first. The invasion complicated things. Made my family… concerned… scared even."

“What are vampires doing in Cascade?” I asked. “What’s with the Latin? You from Transylvania or something?”

“No. We… we’re refugees from a dying world.”

“How’d you get here?”

“We used a gateway artifact to go through a randomly generated gate s-sequence.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Since 1922.”

“I see. Why does the Frontenachii invasion concern you?”

“The fuck do you mean why?!” North choked, silver eyes flashing at Shady. “This is why. Look at her!”

“Be more specific please.” I stated. “Don’t answer a question with a question. What are you and why do Omnids frighten you?”

“Ugh. We’re… crystalline-organic life. Entropic magic users. Omnids are little gods… with Syntropic Fractal Engine hearts. They can’t be stopped, can’t be reasoned with. The Frontenachii see everything as a resource like the pradavarian mercs whom they can bind with blood contracts, snacks like humans, or an… an infestation that must be purged from their… crops.”

“You’re an infestation, then? What kind? Be specific.”

“Ye-yes. C-crystalline fungi. We… we grow inside humans.”

“So if you infect a human what happens?”

“A crystalline organic network will very slowly bloom and grow in the bitten human, make them… tougher, faster, smarter… makes the infected human live forever, halt all aging and stop decay.”

“Sounds swank. Any downsides?”

“Sunlight disrupts our thoughts. We come from a world of twilight with a red star. The yellow sun of this planet is too bright. Makes it hard to think, like it’s screaming all the time, unless it’s cloudy and dark like it is now.”

"Hard SQUARES!" Shady announced in North’s voice. "EMPEROR, I NOM CHOCULA? VAMPIRES ARE FOOD CIRCLE! VERY NUTRITIOUS!"

"No, Shades, I’d like to interrogate her. No chewing on the vampire.”

“EMPEROR INTERROGATE! BEEP! CHOCULA ANSWERS! Princess nom!”

North choked, eyes widened further. "Princess... Oh fuck. Oh fuck me sideways. She's the… the Frontenachii—"

I didn’t say anything, but North had already made the dire conclusion, potentially recognizing the distinctive stars sprinkled on Shady’s cheeks and antlers as shown in the broadcast.

"Slayer," North breathed. "You're harboring their missing Princess. That's why you didn’t want to leave. You… You’re… The Emperor of Earth... that was you on TV?!"

"EMPEROR BEST CIRCLE!" Shady confirmed.

"Fuck my life. This is so much worse than I thought." North sobbed out.

“What did you think, exactly?”

“That you, like your grandparents, had some minor power,” North confessed. “Value. Maybe a little domain. Astral sight.”

“And this is worse, how?”

“You… you’ve somehow enthralled the Frontenachii Princess to serve you.”

“Somehow?”

“Somehow. Perhaps, a unique artifact or incredibly high level Charisma magic? I don’t know! You don’t smell or look like an Archmage from beyond the stars. Abyss, what sort of an abomination are you?”

“I’m the Emperor of Earth,” I replied simply. “And I am not content with xenomorphs like you infesting my planet without asking.”

18: Bathtime

“What, like from War-Banner? That’s absurd, there’s no fucking way that you could…” Her eyes stared at me, igniting silver from within.

I felt something invisible reach out to me, like TV static sparkling across my mind. My mental response was instantaneous. Just as Shady taught me. 

Front of mind, back of mind. 

The front - nothing, empty static. The back, panicked thoughts that the vampire was digging through my head for my secrets.

I used the back of my mind to calm myself and then to portray a sharp image in the Front of my mind. A radiant, golden throne with a massive half-mechanized skeleton sitting on it, grinning down at cowering North in the front of my mind.

“Try digging into my head again, and my Wendigo Princess will bite your head off,” I stated sharply.

Shady’s teeth dug in another inch, making North cry out.

“No, no, no, that can’t be… you can’t be real…” North choked. “War-Banner’s just a game… it… you…”

The rain intensified, lightning flashing overhead.

“Shades, knock her out,” I said.  

A large Wendigo fist descended with a whoosh on the head of the vampire girl with a solid thunk. North's silver eyes rolled back, and she went limp in the mud.

"Chocula nap circle!" Shady announced proudly. 

"Good job. Now, can you snap these handcuffs off?" I turned and held up my cuffed wrists.

"Snap circle!" Shady released North's unconscious form and grabbed the chain between my cuffs. With a casual flex of her claws, the metal parted like tissue paper. "Emperor snap! This is a BEEP!"

I rubbed my wrists, then looked at the carnage in my driveway. Black ichor mixed with rainwater, body parts scattered across the gravel. One of the thrall torsos was still twitching, fingers clawing at nothing.

"We need to clean this up," I said, then headed to the black Packard. 

The interior smelled of old leather, rotting eggs and chemical antifreeze scent. In the trunk, I found exactly what I expected from a vampire about to abduct me: more handcuffs, heavy chains, rope and duct tape.

I grabbed the restraints and collected the four Thompson submachine guns from the scattered remains.

"Shady, I need you to completely destroy these thrall things. They're still moving."

"DESTROY CIRCLES!" She bounded over to the twitching remains with enthusiasm. "SMOOSH SMOOSH SMOOSH!"

What followed was less destruction and more... artistic expression. Shady stomped, crushed, and scattered the thrall pieces with the dedication of Peppa Pig jumping in muddy puddles. By the time she was done, the largest remaining piece was roughly the size of a quarter.

"MAXIMUM SMOOSH ACHIEVED!" she declared, almost entirely splattered in black ichor, the stuff dripping off her in rivets of rain. 

She came up to me with a wide grin. I inhaled and immediately regretted it.

“Jeez you smell.” I let out.

"I smell like BEEP! Bad circle smell!" She bobbed.

“Get the vampire.” I said. 

Shady scooped up North's limp, wet body. "CHOCULA SNACK TRANSPORT! Where vampire circle?"

"Kitchen for now," I said, opening the front door with a key and limping inside.

The kitchen light revealed just how thoroughly covered in thrall blood Shady was. Black ichor dripped from her antlers, matted her fur, and left dark footprints across the floor. The smell was overwhelming.

"Put her in that chair," I pointed to one of the heavy metal kitchen chairs stacked in the back.

After Shady positioned North, I went through the vampire's pockets. No weapons, but I found a smartphone locked with a password, car keys, a wallet with her ID, and a small vial of something that looked like liquid mercury.

I handcuffed North's wrists behind the chair, then wrapped the chains around her torso and the chair back multiple times, securing them with a padlock I'd found in the car. For good measure, I duct-taped her ankles to the chair legs and hands to chair armrests.

Feeling curious, I checked her pulse. Nothing. Her skin was cold to the touch, like she'd been in a freezer. No breath misted from her nose or mouth.

"Is she actually dead?" I muttered.

"UN-DEAD CIRCLE CHOCULA!" Shady bobbled.

"You really need a bath," I said, wrinkling my nose at Shady. "You smell like a toxic waste dump."

"NO BATH!" Shady crossed her arms. "No Emperor BEEP! Chocula circle!"

"Shady, go have a bath damn it."

"Death is circle is acceptable circle!" She rebutted.

I sighed. "Fine. Let’s bring the vampire with us to the bathroom."

"CIRCLE EMPEROR!" Shady immediately grabbed the entire chair with North still chained to it, lifting it with far too much ease. "BATH ADVENTURE! Vampire supervision circle!"

We trooped upstairs to the bathroom, Shady banging walls as she maneuvered the chair up the stairwell and through doorways. She placed North in the corner, the vampire's head lolling against her chest.

"Shower first," I said, turning on the water. "Need to get the worst of it off."

"SHOWER CIRCLE!" Shady crammed herself into the shower, making submarine periscope sounds again, sounding like a voice from some commercial or movie. "PING! PING! Detecting dirt at bearing two-seven-zero!"

I grabbed a sponge and soap. "Hold still.”

She didn’t hold still.

Trying to wash a seven-foot cryptid who insisted on spinning in place while making appliance sounds was like trying to bathe a caffeinated hurricane. Black water swirled down the drain as I scrubbed at her fur, occasionally having to dodge an enthusiastic antler.

"Stop twirling. Your antlers are still gross," I said, attacking them with the sponge.

"ANTLER CIRCLE MAINTENANCE!" She lowered her head so I could reach better. "Emperor provides circle service! Five star hotel, book now! BEEP!"

After what felt like an hour of scrubbing, the worst of the thrall blood washed away. Shady's black fur was back to its normal black and silver shade instead of toxic-waste-black.

She still smelled kind of off, but I felt too bruised and exhausted to wash her any further.

"Aight, have a bath," I said, putting the plug in and starting to fill the tub. “Maybe that’ll help.”

Shady immediately sat in the rising water, making motorboat sounds. "BRRRRRRR! This is a boat circle! Navigate to clean!"

I dug through my unpacked bathroom box and exhumed a bubble bath bottle. I poured it into the bath, which excited Shady to no end. As the water rose, she discovered she could make even more bubbles by blowing into it. This occupied her completely.

"Eeeeeeee! BUBBLE CIRCLES!" She declared and started drinking the bathwater.

"Shady, no! That's soapy water!"

"SOAPY WATER CIRCLE!" She agreed, then drank more. "Tastes like BEEP! 19’99 hand soap for antlers! Acceptable flavors!"

I gave up, sitting on the floor with one of the looted Tommy guns across my lap. The weapon was heavy, all metal and wood, smelling of gun oil.

Shady was fully invested in creating what she dubbed a "circle fortress," piling bubbles on her chest and head between her antlers. 

I glanced at North, still unconscious and chained to the chair. In the bright bathroom light and bonked by Shady, she looked even less human. Her skin had a slightly crystalline, surreal quality to it, like frosted glass or slightly orange scales.

"EMPEROR THINKING LOUD!" Shady observed, splashing. "Vampire is circle problem?"

"Yeah," I admitted. "I don't know what to do with her."

"EASY CIRCLE PROBLEM!" Shady submerged completely, then erupted from the water like a breaching whale. "NOM NOM NOM! No vampire circle!"

"We're not eating the vampire, Shady."

"But NUTRITIOUS Chocula! Full of sparkly this is a square! BEEP!"

"No eating people."

"Vampire no people! Vampire mushroom square!" She blew more bubbles, looking thoughtful. "Vegetable!"

“What?”

"All circles in the circle of life!" She declared and started singing what I deduced was supposed to be 'Circle of Life' from The Lion King, but the words included a lot of "BEEP!" and "Circle."

I tiredly checked my tablet. More reports from the resistance. 

"EMPEROR SAD CIRCLE!" Shady observed, reaching out with a wet, soapy hand to pat my head. "Happy! Shady protec circle!"

"Thanks, Shady."

"Acceptable welcome!" She went back to drinking bathwater. 

North stirred slightly, a soft groan escaping her lips. Her eyes fluttered open, silver irises focusing slowly. She tried to move, realized she was thoroughly bound, and then noticed where she was.

"Why," she said slowly, "am I in your bathroom watching an Omnid take a bath?"

"MUSHROOM CIRCLE!" Shady bobbed in the bubblebath. "WITNESS MY CLEAN!"

North stared at Shady, then at me holding the Tommy gun, then back at Shady slurping bubbles.

"This might be the weirdest kidnapping in history," she muttered.

"You started it," I pointed out.

"Fair point." She tested the chains. "These are mine, aren't they?"

"Yep."

"The irony is not lost on me." She looked at Shady again. “Why is she behaving like that?”

"Temporary technical difficulties," I stated.

"Technical difficulties?" North repeated flatly. "The Frontenachii Princess, heir to a multi-dimensional empire, the star that launches a thousand warships… is having 'technical difficulties' that make her act like a drunk toddler?"

I shrugged, refusing to elaborate any further.

"Look, Emperor," North said, straining against the chains. "Whatever stupid game you're playing here, you need to understand something. The Frontenachii Scrutimancers will eventually find you. They can read minds. They can sniff paths forward in the Astral. 

I leaned forward, ignoring her concerns. "Tell me about your family, North. How many vampires are in Cascade?"

North's jaw tightened. "I—"

Shady's head snapped toward her, teeth bared with a deeply unnerving growl that made my bones ache. "TASTE LIKE EXPIRED CIRCLES! NOM NOM INCOMING!"

"Twelve!" North said quickly. "There are twelve of us. My grandfather, my parents, my siblings, hundreds of thralls. We own the old Cascade Hotel, three apartment buildings downtown, and a few hundred acres of farmland in the mountains."

"How long have you been feeding on the locals?"

"We don't feed on locals," North said, looking offended. "We're not stupid. The chances of infecting someone is too high. The crystalline fungi takes a long time to bloom in a person, the human body rejects it, unless it's daily injected in, the process can fail.”

“How long is the conversion process?”

“Depends on a person. Sometimes years. More compatibility equals faster bloom. Missing persons would draw attention.”

“Do you eat human blood or is that nonsense?”

“Yes. We get blood shipped in from Portland. Medical waste, blood bank supplies close to expiry."

“Uh-huh, you’re all harmless vampire vegetarians, I’m sure,” I said.

“VEGETABLE VAMPIRES!" Shady cackled, blowing bubbles. "BROCCOLI CHOCULA!"

"Your family," I continued, "they know you're here?"

“No.”

"You came alone. Why?"

"Because I thought I could handle one low level human and what smelled like a slightly magic, dog-shaped talking construct," she said bitterly. "I didn't expect..." she gestured at Shady with her chin, "A fucking Frontenachii Omnid Princess.”

"UNEXPECTED CIRCLE SURPRISE!" Shady agreed cheerfully.

"Listen," North said urgently. "We need to leave. All of us. Now. My family has gateway fragments - pieces of the original artifact we used to escape our dying world. We could open a small portal, get off this planet before—"

"The Admiral said they'd detect any dimensional gates," I interrupted.

"Only large ones!" North insisted. "A small jump, maybe to a parallel Earth, something close in dimensional frequency. We'd be gone before they could triangulate our position."

"And go where? To another Earth that might be worse?"

"Anywhere is better than here!" North's composure cracked. "You don't understand what the Frontenachii do to crystal fungi like us. They don’t just kill us outright, they harvest our eldest, overwrite what we are. Our blood, the network of thought, gets turned into processors for their weapons. Our consciousness becomes trapped inside, aware but unable to disobey. It's worse than any hell you can imagine!"

“So the Corpse Seekers and their guns…” I said.

“Are made from well-aged crystalline fungi colonies like me,” North let out. “The Corpse Seekers absorb us, remake us, turn into more weapons wielded by their Prad Divisions! Why the fuck you think it’s called a Corpse Seeker? It seeks things like me!”

“Walking Corpses,” I said.

“I’m not exactly a corpse,” North let out. “I’m alive.”

“You’re corpse-adjacent,” I pointed out.

"Crystal corpse-adjacent shiny!" Shady observed, scooping bubbles onto North's head from where she sat with long ass limbs.

North sputtered, trying to shake the bubbles off. "Will you control your—uhh—Omnid thrall?”

"She's having a fun, happy bathtime. You're happily educating me about your xenotype. Everyone's happy!" I insisted, not feeling even slightly happy about this development.

19: Overrated Sanity

"What? Happy?!” North sputtered. “I'm chained to a chair!"

"Because you tried to kidnap me," I reminded her. "Not so nice, is it? Tell me about your gateway fragments. How do they work?"

North sighed. "Each fragment is a section of a crown that amplifies bending the boundary of Space. Combine them into one, feed them enough power, and you can punch a small hole between dimensions. My grandfather knows the full process."

"Power from what?"

"Life force, usually—from the sacrifice of blood and soul—" She stopped. "Fuck. Why am I telling you this?"

"Because Shady's hungry for vampire noms," I said simply. “Also, we’re definitely not sacrificing any human souls to open your gateway.”

"HUNGRY CIRCLE!" Shady confirmed, snapping her teeth. "Slurp slurp!"

"You can't seriously be considering staying here. Even with… her protection, even with whatever local influence you have, the Frontenachii landfall legions will figure things out, sniff your location out sooner or later. And when they do… they’ll take this old-ass mansion apart, turn me into one of their Eva guns and put whatever remains of you into a suitcase for ten thousand years!”

“You seem to know a lot about the Frontenachii.”

“We’ve an Astral radio,” North let out with a shudder, eyes blinking sparkly, silver tears. “It… lets us hear broadcasts from other colonies. The Frontenachii fleet follows the same pattern. First, they drop a moon piece. Always. It's their calling card… fuckers demonstrating orbital superiority, showing the locals that resistance means annihilation. Most nations surrender immediately after that."

"Moon square boom!" Shady contributed, making explosion sounds while splashing.

"Then," North went on, "they deploy their damned Pradavarian Scrutimancers. They're the intelligence gatherers, sniffing out power structures, identifying threats, locating anyone with magical abilities, unusual traits, or artifacts. The Scruts are harvested from conquered worlds themselves, prad humanoids uplifted by Systemfall and bound by blood contracts into eternal service."

"The ones in the pubs right now."

"Drinking themselves stupid to forget that they're essentially eternal slaves to the Frontenachii Colonial Dominion," North confirmed. "They're lonely, traumatized soldiers who've been separated from their males for decades, sometimes centuries. The Frontenachii learned long ago that mixed-gender military units are less... controllable. So they separate them."

"Separate how?"

"Males get shipped to pleasure worlds or serve as nurses, concubines and butlers aboard the warships. Soft work. Safe work. The females?" She laughed bitterly. "Eternal frontline service. Die, get resurrected, die again. Each death makes them a little less themselves, a little more broken. Perfect foot soldiers. Eventually they forget their home worlds, forget everything except for the grind of unending conquest.”

"BROKEN CIRCLES!" Shady announced sadly, then cheered up immediately, pawing at the bubble bath. "Wet pop-circles fix sad!"

"After the Scruts identify targets," North continued, "the real harvesting begins. Anyone with magical potential gets a blood contract shoved in their face, forced into signing it with Charmchain magic. Anyone who fights back..." She winced. "Get chopped up into living organ banks. Consciousness trapped in pieces. Flesh art designed to suffer. The Wendigo bastards are the worst kind of demons that feed on suffering and fear."

"What else?" I asked.

"Unique specimens become experiments. The Frontenachii are collectors, hoarders of powerful artifacts and knowledge. They find something interesting… A new type of magic, an unusual biological trait, a different form of consciousness… And they take it apart to see how it works. If it's adaptive, they look for more of it, weaponize it. They don't manufacture things like you humans, they harvest, adapt and breed tools from captured species.”

"Like crystalline fungi turned into weapons?"

"Yes,” North ground her teeth. “We're particularly useful because our distributed consciousness can be reprogrammed, combined and split without problems, given new instructions. A mature colony like my grandfather could be turned into a Corpse Seeker processing hardware or several combat symbiotes." North's eyes met mine. "That's why we ran. Why we've been hiding on this odd, human-filled planet for a century. These fuckers hunt our kind down to increase the number of their weapons." She glared at Shady.

“Found you!” Shady agreed. "Vampire vegetable broccoli!"

"The pattern is always the same," North said. "Threat, compliance, identification, harvesting. They'll catalog every human, determine who's useful for what. The smart ones become administrators. The strong become laborers. The beautiful males..." She exhaled. "Become entertainment. For the officers. The Frontenachii Matriarchy has... vast appetites."

My stomach turned. "And our Earth?"

"Earth is perfect for them. Don't you get it? Billions of humans, no organized magical resistance, no understanding of blood contracts. Like finding an untouched orchard." North wiggled on the chair. "They'll be methodical. Systematic. They've done this thousands of times across thousands of worlds."

"They're confused by our fiction," I said.

"A temporary delay. The Scruts aren't stupid, just... culturally unprepared for this world. Give them a month and they'll have adapted. Hell, we’ve adapted and fitted in just fine. Nobody even noticed our existence in Cascade."

"ADAPT CIRCLE!" Shady suddenly stood up in the tub, water cascading off her. "Emperor! Vampire education complete? Time for vegetable chomping?"

"Not yet," I said.

"Awwww. When chomping?"

"Maybe never, if she remains useful."

"NEVER IS TOO LONG!" She sat back down with a splash that soaked both North and me.

North sputtered, spitting out soapy water. "How long is she going to be like this?"

I squinted at her, not answering.

"My family will come looking for me or abandon me, leave me behind. The Frontenachii will narrow their search grid. They will find us! Please, come with me. I'm begging you. I'll inject myself daily into your blood, make you immortal… and my family will welcome you as one of us! You clearly have talent!”

I pursed my lips.

“You’ll turn slowly, like the Ship of Theseus, one by one crystalline bloom will replace your nerves, neural connections, organs, bones, skin, hair. You'll look perfect, be the optimal version of you. We can be supportive friends, family for millennia! You will never get sick, never…”

“Tempting,” I said. “Except for the problem of being hunted down by the Frontenachii for being a parasitic infestation and gun microchips. Say, how far can the Prad scruts smell you?”

“Uhm,” North twitched. “Depends on the level of a Scrut. Some can smell us from miles away, others can only smell what I am close up.”

“Exactly. Not sure if I want to be smelled from afar as a walking crystal mushroom.”

“You think that being human is somehow fucking better?!” She snarled. “They see you as cattle now!”

“Harmless cattle, one amidst eight billion other cattle,” I agreed, pointing at myself. “Dangerous, smelly mushroom.” I pointed at North.

“Clever Ding-dong! Emperor!” Shady bobbed. “Smelly BEEP! mushroom!”

"You're insane. You're both clearly insane and we’re going to die."

"Sanity’s overrated and everyone dies eventually," I shrugged. "The question is what we do before that."

I picked up the tablet and slowly went over more reports.

"The Scruts are all female," I said to North. "All separated from males. All lonely. All gradually losing themselves to repeated deaths."

"So what?" North asked.

"So they're vulnerable. Not to weapons, but to love, to friendship. To human connection."

“Friendship?!” North's eyes widened. "You're not seriously suggesting—"

"I'm suggesting we give them what the Frontenachii took from them. Love."

“LOVE CIRCLES!" Shady stood up again, completely covered in bubbles like some sort of soap monster. "EVERYONE GETS A CIRCLE! You get a circle! You get a circle! BEEP!"

She started flinging bubbles at us with enthusiasm, turning the bathroom into a war zone of soap suds.

"This is my life now," North muttered, thoroughly covered in bubbles. "Chained up in a bathroom while an alien princess has a bubble fight with reality."

"Could be worse," I said, wiping soap from my eyes.

"How?!"

"SHARK CIRCLE!" Shady announced, then began humming the Jaws theme while circling the bathtub. "Dun dun... dun dun... BUBBLE SHARK ATTACK!"

"Never mind," North said flatly. "It just got worse.”

I wondered if Shady saw a commercial for Jaws or was remembering us watching the movie together.

“North, why are your family residing in Cascade?” I asked, considering the unlikely probability of me meeting not just one but two alien species in town.

“Darkfall valley is a fault line, a natural fissure in the dimensional curtain. The Astral radio barely works outside of the valley. It's easier to open a gate to this place or to escape from here than anywhere else.”

“Could there be other fissures?”

“Maybe,” North shrugged. “Grandfather doesn't allow me to move the radio around. He wants to stay updated on colonies in other worlds. It's easier to raise the dead here. I thought that you were a natural… necromancer.”

I chortled.

“Sometimes… When the mist rises from the valley, it can bring up otherness from elsewhere, an echo of the Abyss. I don't like those days. They remind me of home.” She sniffed.

“Home? You remember stuff before 1922? How old are you then?”

“I don't know,” North thumped her head against the bathroom tiles. “I remember and dream of being other people. My father, my grandfather. His mother. This me was born in 1984, was slowly turned at eighteen.”

“You remember being other vamps? Not very Thesis Ship is it?”

“It's not terrible. It's less lonely this way. It doesn't dilute what I am.”

“What are you?”

“A nice girl.”

“Real nice. Sic’d undead gangsters at me with Tommy guns.” I fired back.

“I didn't send them after you,” North groaned. “I sent them to put down your undead dog. I… I just wanted to help you off planet!”

“Uh-huh,” I rolled my eyes. “If Shades was fully coherent now she'd probably call you a vampire hussy.”

“Vampire BEEP! hussy,” Shade agreed, emerging from the bath. “square wet cold.”

“No, I…” North choked. “If you can see past glamours and have some psychic power you’re a valuable resource for those bastards! Don't you get it? They'll harvest you first!”

I offered Shady a towel. The Wendigo stared blankly at the towel, tilting her head at me, either not comprehending what to do next or being difficult on purpose. I sighed and began drying her off. Her eyes turned into half moons and she began to purr like an oversized cat, feathers fluttering, tail wrapping around my leg.

“What the fuck is happening,” North commented.

“Affection?” I shrugged. “Trust? Friendship?”

“Not possible.” North shook her head. “She's an Omnid. You are a human. Farmers do not fall in love with cattle. You are somehow controlling her! I just don't understand how because I don't see any Astral threads.”

“Says the mushroom with a distributed…” I began. “Wait. Are you in contact with your family now via your network consciousness bullshit? Because if you are and you’re sharing things about me to them then we’re going to have a problem.”

“No, I am not,” North stated with a shudder. “I haven’t been since the damned Omnids made landfall.”

“Why?”

“Their weapons are made from us!” She snarled. “Don’t you get it? They share the same Astral network wave as we do. If I reach out to my grandfather, I would hear the bound weapons too and they would hear me in turn. I would hear their pain, drown in the ocean of their suffering, become mired in the intelligence network that serves the Frontenachii fleet. They’d notice me and tell their ‘owners’ exactly where I am. A Corpse Seeker would be dispatched from one of the warships in orbit to find and consume me!”

“And the Thralls?”

“I disconnected them from the network too, had to order them to come out of the car with my words.”

I came closer to her, examining her lattice-like skin. The more time I spent with her, the less human she looked, whatever glamour she had on, now completely gone.

“You are crystals all the way down?”

“No shit, Sherlock.” 

“Interesting. Can you stop moving, stop breathing?”

“Yes.”

“Can you think faster than a person?”

“Yes.”

“Can you think and move… slower? Like a tree?”

“Huh? Why would I want to do that? If I think and move slowly, someone could take advantage of me.”