Cleaning Up After The Ancients - Chapter 61

Chapter 61 - Gods and Men

Of all the things Daniel Jackson had been afraid might happen when Vala Mal Doran had shown up claiming to have a tablet that would lead them to incredible Ancient buried treasure, ending up in Vala Mal Doran’s body hadn’t even been on the list. 

In hindsight it probably should have been, as this wasn’t exactly the first time something like this had happened to him. Which was really an unfortunate criticism of the absurdity that had become his life since first stepping through the Stargate.

“Well.” Doctor Carolyn Lam finally began as she hung the stethoscope back around her neck. “We've found a number of interesting things in your workup.”

The memory of what Vala had said after arriving at the SGC chose that moment to come to the forefront of Daniel's borrowed brain. “Please tell me she's… I'm not actually pregnant?”

“The blood tests came back negative for that.” Carolyn reassured him with an amused smile.

“For that?” Daniel repeated, cocking his head in sudden suspicion.

Walking over to grab her clipboard from the counter, Carolyn pulled a pen out of her coat and began filling out the forms on it. “Sorry Doctor Jackson, but that would be Doctor patient confidentiality.”

“But I'm your patient!” Daniel complained, unable to believe they were having this conversation.

“Technically yes.” Carolyn agreed with a nod. “However, it's Miss Mal Doran's body, so you'll have to get her permission before I can disclose anything to you.”

Daniel’s shoulders slumped as the logic hit home. “I hate that you're right.”

“I'll have a nurse bring over her clothes so you can change out of the hospital gown.” Carolyn offered as she headed towards the exam room door.

“Please not the leather corset and pants.” Daniel all but begged, still unable to fathom how Vala had squeezed herself into those particular items of clothing.

“I'll make sure it's a standard set of BDU's.” Carolyn confirmed as she walked out, leaving Daniel sitting on the exam table with his thoughts.

He had been about a quarter of the way through skimming over the Book of Origin when they had been disconnected. But even that had been enough to know he didn't like what he was reading.

Sure it had similarities to certain pre-Ascension Ancient practices, but most of what he'd read had completely missed the spirit of what those were trying to teach people. The focus on punishing others in particular was about as anathema as you could get from what the Ancients had believed.

Thankfully Jack had accepted his feeling on the matter as enough of a warning sign to lock down the stones and device until they could see if Eventus knew anything about the whole issue.

“Daniel?” A very familiar voice called out as his own head poked itself through the partially open door.

Daniel let out a sigh, having distinctly hoped he'd at least have a few more minutes without Vala's overly aggravating presence.

“Vala.” He returned in a droll tone. 

“Sooo.” She began in a drawn out tone as she slipped his body fully into the room. “How's my body doing? No odd rashes or uncomfortable feelings below the belt?”

“Whyyy?” Daniel asked as he narrowed his eyes in sudden suspicion.

Vala hunched his body's shoulders and gave a somewhat awkward smile. “I may have over indulged in a few things I shouldn't have at breakfast this morning.”

“Like?” Daniel asked as a sudden feeling of unease settled in his gut.

“Several of those long cream filled donuts?” Vala admitted with a slightly cringing smile.

“You're lactose intolerant?” Daniel deadpanned, that feeling of unease expanding into full on dread.

“I wouldn't say intolerant.” Vala returned. “More like we have a complicated relationship that sometimes results in me spending more time on the toilet then I would like.”

“Mind, it was a lot worse before I was…” She trailed off and shook her head. “Never mind.”

Given how open Vala had been about everything else so far that kind of rejection was extraordinarily suspicious.

“Vala.” Daniel began patiently. “As I'm currently in your body.” He held up a hand to forestall the obvious innuendo. “If there's anything that could affect your health I should probably know about it.”

Vala grimaced and looked slightly off to the side before walking over to one of the counters and picking up a jar of swabs which she began to fiddle with. “A girls got to have some secrets you know.”

“Oh, I think we're a little past those kinds of secrets given I'm currently inside you!” Daniel objected in annoyance, his voice slowly ratcheting up as he spoke till he was all but yelling by the end.

“Do I need to give you two kids a minute?” Jack inquired in a teasing tone as he joined them in the increasingly crowded exam room.

“Better make it ten.” Vala put forward, wiggling his own body’s eyebrows suggestively at Daniel. “I can be something of a slow starter.”

In that moment the sudden realization hit Daniel that for the sake of his own sanity it would probably be for the best to never leave Jack and Vala alone in a room together.

“Something wrong Jack?” He asked, pretending to ignore Vala's words on principle.

“These Ori.” Jack began with a worried frown. “Bald, pale, carry a wizard's staff with a glowing crystal on the end?”

“That sounds like one of their Priors.” Daniel confirmed, not liking in the slightest what his question suggested. “Please don't tell me one of them has shown up?”

“On P3X-421.” Jack confirmed with a grim nod. “We sent Mitchell to investigate, and he’s saying the guy knows you and wants to come to Earth. General Landry's thinking yes, but my instincts are saying that would be about as bad of an idea as inviting old Apophis to a meeting with the joint chiefs.”

“They did heal me after that whole burning alive mistake.” Vala offered in counterpoint, the reminder enough to make Daniel visibly flinch at the still vivid memory of holding Sallis Cicera’s burnt body.

“It wasn't a mistake.” Daniel corrected with a shake of his head that sent Vala's long hair flopping across his vision. “Death by fire is the response encouraged in the Book of Origin for those who stand against the religion.”

“Oh… Well… Then fuck them.” Vala said simply.

“There are still a lot of questions I’d like answered.” Daniel admitted, the suspicion still rattling around in his brain that they were dealing with yet another group who had deified and misinterpreted the Ancients and their teachings. “But at the very least that staff of theirs can do a credible impression of an Ancient healing device.”

“It also fixed Sallis’s clothing.” Vala added in before tilting his body’s head slightly in seeming compilation. “At least I assume so since I wasn’t naked after that whole thing.”

Jack pursed his lips and nodded. “So could be their version of the Goa’uld hand thingy.”

“Oh!” Vala suddenly exclaimed, hopping slightly on the balls of his body’s feet. “They controlled the ring platform with it too! And used it to make the doors open and close as part of their whole mysterious powerful beings act.”

Daniel gave a grudging nod of agreement, a tiny bit impressed that Vala had been paying that much attention to what was going on around them given the constant commentary she had kept up on their walk to the city of Celestis.

“I’ll put it down as a device of generally unknown capabilities.” Jack admitted with a sigh before running a hand through his hair in an instantly recognizable sign of tiredness. “But that’s enough to nix the idea of letting Mitchell bring him back here on the first date.”

“Sorry we can’t give you more Jack.” Daniel apologized, pursing his lips together as he began to wonder just what was taking the nurse so long to get back with some actual clothing. “Might be a good idea to spend the night going over everything we retrieved from Merlin’s cave again to see if there’s anything we might have missed.”

“You certainly will not.” Vala protested, turning a glare on Daniel. “My body needs it’s beauty rest.”

She paused as a considering look fell onto his body’s face. “Though I suppose if you want to do some experimenting together?”

“No.” Daniel immediately rejected, the slow realization settling over him that he was probably going to need to be on constant guard for his body’s chastity till they were able to fix this.

“Oh.” Vala returned, pouting a moment in seeming disappointment before perking up as something else seemed to occur to her. “I guess I’ll just have to try things out myself.”

“You most certainly will not!” Daniel told her, moving to jump to his feet only to realize just what position that would leave Vala’s body in given the somewhat lackluster covering the gown provided in the rear.

“I’ll tell them to prepare a room with a double bed for you two.” Jack put forward, chuckling in obvious amusement at their plight.

“That’s not…” Daniel began, only to cringe as the slow realization settled over him that such an arrangement probably was the only way he would be able to make sure Vala didn’t step over the line. “Oh dammit.”

“Yay!” Vala cheered, clapping his body’s hand’s together happily. “Room buddies!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author’s Notes: I was originally going to go right to the next day with Eventus being asked to deal with this issue, but then I realized Daniel’s suffering was worth at least an extra chapter of his POV on the whole issue. Fun for me, less so for him.