Devil's consultancy 17

Tanya spent the rest of the day doing actual work. The office still hadn’t really calmed down over the Powdered Midnight, and the revelation of alternate conditions creating substances with different states of matter had led to a half dozen different variations of the moonlight ritual to see if they could find one that actually worked. 

But the full moon wasn’t happening tonight, just soon, so she mostly just held court, metaphorically, speaking with each of her project managers to see if there was anything they needed from management (i.e. her) to help them complete their objectives efficiently. She allocated a bit more budget to some, authorized HR to offer higher pay for some of the contractors, and clarified responsibility for a few matters that kept getting passed around the office instead of getting done. 

She also spent a half hour petting the rabbits that were to be sacrificed for the fertility ritual that would be occurring soon, but that was basically a perk of working in this office, most of the staff did it. Intellectual labor required the occasional relaxation aid for maximum productivity. 

It was when she was leaving the office of the on-site obstetrician (he wanted a third nurse due to availability issues with the other two) that she saw a surprising guest: “Diana? What are you doing here?”

Indeed, Wonder Woman was present, wearing a white toga that was what Tanya imagined was some kind of Amazonian… formalwear? It could be casualwear, but she was wearing an awful lot of gold… “Ah, Ms. Degurechaff, good to see you again.” Diana said, offering a hand to shake. 

Tanya shook her hand. “I’m fairly certain I would have been told if you were to be one of our clients, Princess.” She looked around, finally seeing another pair of Amazons sitting in one of the waiting room chairs. “Ah, you’re here for… moral support?”

“Something like that.” Diana replied vaguely, “Mala’s one of my dearest friends, and I wanted to visit Batman while I’m here anyway. The events of yesterday must be wearing on him.”

Tanya hummed. “Well, naturally I can’t help you with that, Rhine keeps Batman’s stuff pretty well warded against divinations.” She made a point to glance at the doctor’s secretary, who was sitting at her desk in the waiting room. “But he’s also not generally out during the day, so I’ll certainly offer to host you until dusk.”

“I’ll take you up on that.” They made a show of exchanging personal phone numbers, as they already did back during the sleepover, and Tanya went on to go to her next meeting. 

-----------------------

“So how did you meet Batman?” Diana asked after they made it back to Tanya’s penthouse, hours later. 

Tanya did vaguely remember how to cook, but it had been long enough that she wasn’t confident enough in her ability to serve a guest without embarrassing herself: thus, she instead picked up some pizza and ice cream, because Diana had mentioned them as favorites among dishes in ‘Man’s world’. “I’d really rather not lie to you.” Tanya said bluntly, “So consider it a compliment to your intelligence that I won’t give you a single hint.”

“Even after his face was revealed?” Diana asked, tilting her head in a small pout. 

“Wasn’t Batman’s real face.” Tanya said instead, “Unmasking to protect the hostages was an anticipated outcome.” She gave the amazon a warning glance. “That’s all I’ll say on the matter.”

“That does explain why the jaw shifted when the mask was on and off…” Diana said, betraying just how much she had studied the footage. 

“We did have an excuse prepared for that.” Tanya said, “The cowl’s enchanted to make the chin look powerful and heroic.” After a moment taking a bite from her garlic bread, she added: “Which is a lie. The enchantment does something else.” Specifically, it reinforces it as armor, which also helps to protect the delicate technology housed within it. 

Her phone pinged, and she glanced at it. Unknown number… yes, she does recognize it. Text from Barbie, huh? “Okay this is what bothers you? You’re the most shameless person I know. Bruce is a wreck.” After a beat, another message came in. “Well, y’know, not a normal person wreck, but… look!” After another beat, a picture of Batman brooding on a gargoyle was sent. She’d be concerned about infosec, but WayneTech owns enough cell phone towers to cover all of Gotham, and the phones held by all Batman affiliates refuse to use any other network when it’s available, get priority, there are automated record deletions, etc. 

By the looks of things… his favorite brooding gargoyle, the one that overlooks the site of his parent’s death. …It’s things like that that makes Tanya contemplate signing him up for a stay at Arkham. Y’know, if it was capable of actually helping people. She turned to Diana. “Good news and bad news.” 

Diana swallowed her mouthful of pizza. “What?”

“The good news is that Batman’s in uniform and can theoretically be spoken with.” Tanya said, “The bad news is that he’s in a foul mood and will be singularly unpleasant company.” When he’s upset enough to brood there, nothing will cheer him up. She’s tried. That’s the place he goes when Joker kills another dozen people and he needs to beat himself up over not taking the opportunity to put the bastard in the morgue.

The amazon considered this. “I should bring him some food, make a date of it.” She concludes. 

“I’m pretty sure I’ve told you that he’s in a relationship with Catwoman.” Tanya said, thinking back. “I know you probably don’t keep up with Gotham Crime statistics, but she hasn’t committed grand larceny in over a year.” Petty larceny, on the other hand… 

“Is he married?” Diana asked. 

“Not yet.” Tanya replied, “Nor officially engaged.” This was actually Selina’s fault, not Bruce’s. Tanya didn’t know what goes on in that cat’s head, but something stops her from taking that plunge. Wait a minute… “Actually, go ahead and flirt with him. Their relationship could use a wedge issue.”

“What should I bring him?” She asked. 

“For takeout, definitely French Onion Soup.” Tanya replied immediately. “There’s this diner that serves it to the drunk crowd and will fill a thermos, he gets it all the time, I’ll give you directions.” She magically dipped into her personal pocket dimension and took out one of the Bat-thermoses that she had tossed in there and promptly forgot about (they were official Batman merchandise, from Batco, a non-profit Bruce used to funnel money into collateral damage control). She presented it, paused, then sniffed it. “Need to wash it first.” She decided. Then took out the other Bat-thermoses into her sink so she could wash the lot at once. One… two… three… four… no more. Four other Bat-thermoses. 

Magic was so useful, but she should really clean out her pocket dimension one of these days. 

-----------------------

Tanya had taken the time to do more things she had been putting off, in the interests of not discovered what horrible things she had left in her pocket dimension and forgotten about. Like going through the Justice League application backlog. Yes, there is an application process. Each one required the sponsorship of an existing Justice League member, so there weren't many. Batman then conducts a background check (which she frequently does on his behalf) and then is voted on during the next founder’s meeting. 

Hm, Black Canary, huh? Sponsored by Green Arrow… Well, sonic attacks were a bit… indiscriminate, but depending on the power level it could be useful if directed properly, particularly if she got some vocal training to hit specific frequencies. 

…Well, if Queen was being truthful about her recently gaining her license as a psychotherapist, that would probably be far more useful than her actual powers, to be honest. Being a meta would engender a level of trust from the other metas that would be invaluable to such a role. 

She tapped into her penthouse’s connection to the Bat Computer and started investigating the woman, checking to see if things were as they seemed. After seeing everything check out, she put the relevant info into an email and sent it off to Batman, copying the other founders of the League to it so they were warned of it before it came up in the next meeting’s agenda. Naturally, things like her real name and such were not mentioned, like she would if she were sending only to Batman. 

After two more applicants, her phone pinged with a text message again. Bruce again. At least he wasn’t calling… “I need help.” …What? She sent a question mark as a reply. 

“The Batmobile lost its wheels.” Bruce sent, followed by a picture of the Batmobile on cinder blocks. 

…What. “Did the Joker get away?” She sent. 

“Still at Arkham.” He sent back. “I’m serious.”

Tanya sighed. “True form’s guise, Rhine’s time, arise.” Tanya said, shifting forms. “Providing aid in this time of need, through the shadows, travel with speed.” 

Rhine arrived from Batman’s shadow, to look at… the Batmobile with stolen tires. Huh. They severed a small bat ornament that was there specifically for this function, and silently focused on the tracking spell. Some variation of tracking spells is pretty much the most common thing Batman actually requests of them, so it was well-practiced sympathetic magic. “...have no fear, they’re over here.” Rhine flew off, and Batman used a grapple to keep up. 

As it turned out, the tires were in the middle of being sold to a chop shop by a young teenager. The money had just changed hands when Batman burst into the room, the magical augmentation that Rhine took the opportunity to empower while here making him loom above them, seeming to be much larger than he actually was. 

The kid ran off immediately, of course, and the chop shop was promptly dismantled and reported to the GCPD. Finding the kid was not particularly difficult; he was clearly experienced at urban traversal, but his strategy was all speed, no stealth. Once he faced someone who could maneuver faster than him, following his trail was simple. 

He had made it to an apartment complex, and a brief magical scan cut short Batman attempting a more roundabout means of determining which one the kid was hiding in. The window had a broken lock, but the improvised alarm system was disabled with some subtle telekinesis as Batman ghosted inside. 

They appeared to be in a bedroom, and Batman settled in to wait just in time: The boy opened the door and turned on the light with a smug air of success; one could see his pride in having escaped The Batman. When he saw the Batman, he fell back on his fight or flight instincts: He produced a tire iron from his jacket and charged. Naturally, this led to him being disarmed and dropped on his behind in less than two seconds. He closed off his body language, crossing his legs and sulking while turning away from Batman. 

Rhine emerged from a pool of darkness in front of the boy, and they whispered hauntingly: “Naughty boys with technical skills, Crime does pay in cash and thrills.” They opined. The boy turned right back around, now facing Batman. 

“Where are your parents?” Batman asked with his ‘speaking to civilians’ voice, it had the angry growl still, the same one that Rhine used to use to be taken more seriously, but it was softer, somehow managing to give the impression that it was just how Batman’s voice naturally was; like he gargled gravel every morning. 

“Gone.” The boy said immediately. “Two-Face killed Dad, Mom of an overdose.” Ah, an orphan. 

Batman hummed. Wait. They know that hum. “Absolutely not, not another tot.” Rhine immediately said, “You adopted the last and look what he’s done; do you really want yet another one?”

“What’s your name?” Batman asked instead of addressing Rhine’s concerns. 

“...Jason Todd.” He said grumpily, much calmer than he was before. “I’m not going with you.” He added firmly. 

“There, he said no.” Rhine said, “Orphanage, can he go?”

“I’m staying here.” Jason said firmly. 

“...There’s a boarding school near here.” Batman said, “Started last year. Got a decent donation from the Wayne Foundation to build a facility.” Tanya remembered that. Bruce had been annoyed that he couldn’t find any substantial information on the Australian widow due to there not being much of anything on electronic records, and couldn’t justify the trip to go search the paper ones. But he also couldn’t find any reason to refuse the donation, as she was fully qualified to run a small disciplinary school. 

“Ms. Gunn’s school for boys.” Jason said after a moment to think. “That place is where parents send their kids after they steal cars and shit.”

Batman smirked. “Sounds perfect for you, then. I’ll arrange for your tuition.”

Jason looked like he wanted to object to that characterization, but then realized that he really didn’t have a leg to stand on, given why Batman had pursued him. “...What was that about adoption?”

Batman looked at Rhine. “Well, there does appear to be an opening…”

…Oh that’s playing dirty. “No adoption, school’s the option.” Rhine said  firmly. “We’ll return tomorrow, pack up your burrow.” They had to seriously mangle ‘tomorrow’ to make it work, but it fit past the geas. 

Batman slipped out of the window, leaving behind one of his standard panic buttons, along with a note with instructions on how to use it. 

Once they were back in the Batmobile, nice and secure, Tanya shifted into her normal form. Ugh, chilly, that was a mistake. She was still wearing the same light dress she had on when Bruce got taken hostage. The Batman armor was fairly warm, so the Batmobile wasn’t. 

Before she could decide how to remedy this issue, Batman’s cape was wrapped around her, and the thermal function was activated, quickly making her quite toasty. She murmured thanks but turned away, not really sure how to start this conversation. 

Batman took off his cowl, and started to drive back to the Batcave. After a minute of silence, Tanya spoke: “...You sent Diana and Barbie away so I would help you.” It was not a question. 

“Just Barbara.” Bruce retorted, “Diana had already left.” He gestured to the cup holder, where the thermos was. “There’s still a little soup.” Tanya took the implicit offer and drank the tepid soup, there being just a mouthful and a half left. It wasn’t particularly fancy, but soup that was still good even after cooling down this much was an accomplishment. “Have you made a decision?” He asked. 

“...I’m too busy.” Tanya eventually said, “I don’t want a fourth identity.” It was one of the only things she was sure of: going through the effort of making her first life’s form something she could use would require that she put maintenance into. Fake identities aren’t something you can just leave alone, not in the modern world. What would she even use the ability to turn into a tall muscular man for? Getting laid? You don’t need a legal identity to get laid. No one asks someone his size for ID, this world wasn’t different enough for that to have changed. 

Bruce hummed in thought, probably psychoanalyzing her answer. She’d like to complain, but she didn’t even know what she thought about this whole… thing. What she felt was confusing and contradictory. “Well, we’re not talking about Pandora here.” He said after taking a turn. “We can just put that form back in the box.”

Tanya huffed with a half-laugh despite herself at the odd mythological reference. “I’d be jealous of myself, if my old self could see me now.” She said idly. Bruce hummed, intrigued. “I never would have dared to dream that I could be the CEO of a company, even if it is a subsidiary. If I had never died and spent another 20 years working instead of growing up twice as a girl, I’d have been a VP at best.” She recalled one of Being X’s more complex taunts. “I might have met someone, had a kid… but unless I lucked into seducing the CEO’s granddaughter or something,” She doesn’t remember what the girl looked like, at all, but Tanya did recall that the granddaughter in question was only three years younger than him, as her old self had seriously considered attempting it.  “my career would have been… a rather ordinary kind of exceptional, if it kept its course.” She knew statistics: retiring at just one rung higher than where she was when she died was far more likely than getting promoted one more beyond that, but it was the kind of exceptional event that happens to someone, the trick was ensuring that it was you that it happened to. 

Bruce took a moment to digest her story. “It’s hard to imagine you as ordinary.” He admits, “Just being an office drone whose ambitions were limited to a corner office and a family.”

“It’s not like I’m stuffed with ambition now.” Tanya countered, “I have everything I could ever want.” She scowls. “It’s actually kind of irritating, how nothing I do can appreciably improve my life without resorting to hedonism.” It was the type of problem whose greatest annoyance was the fact that complaining about it just made you look like an asshole. “...Also, if it helps, I was always that size, so I did tower over everyone else in the office.” She thinks she was a bit thicker in the musculature, but she wasn’t sure. 

Bruce perked up, humming appreciatively. “That does help, yes.” He chuckled. “Yeah, I can see it now. Being the scary one in the HR department, always being sent the malcontents, probably handing out all the pink slips…”

Tanya coughed. “...Yes, it was exactly like that.” She muttered, embarrassed. “I got murdered by someone I fired earlier that day.” The start of the whole mess… 

The good humor in Bruce’s demeanor vanished. “...I understand more why you didn’t talk about this.” He said, hesitant. “So how did…” he gestured at her vaguely. 

“The only answer I can give was that Being X was in a bad mood when he got to my soul.” Tanya said, frustrated. “From the start, he was hostile towards me, and while I won’t say I comported myself well, I wasn’t even taking my death out on him, which I would imagine happens a lot.” Well, admittedly her memory on the exchange wasn’t… that great, and it was entirely possible she had misremembered things to make her sound better in her own head, but there wasn’t much point to worrying over it. 

“And then… the war-filled life.” Bruce finished. 

“I’ve always been…” Tanya struggled to find the words. “Masked? I guess? I say what people want to hear, I play a role. The dutiful son, the diligent student, the promising subordinate…” She sighed, “The jingoistic patriot, the relentless drill sergeant, the fearless commander…”

“The guileless child, the sadistic demon, the efficient executive.” Bruce finished. “None of them are really you.”

Tanya really wanted to agree. “Yeah.” She said, knowing she was lying without knowing how. Bruce had parked the Batmobile somewhere near the entrance to the Batcave. “Have you ever noticed how my demon form’s skin is basically one giant mirror that doesn’t actually reflect anything?” Bruce grunted in agreement. “I used to think that the lack of features was because I had forgotten stuff, all of it burned away. Now?” She shrugged, not finishing the thought. 

“As long as people engage with your current role, you’re comfortable.” Bruce said, a subtle confidence in his words. “But you panic when someone tries to engage past that, and that extends beyond your normal child act.”

Given how uncomfortable she felt about him even saying that, Tanya couldn’t dispute the point. Was this what therapy was supposed to be like? It sucked. “If you’re trying to get me to admit that I’m twisted, you’re decades late to that particular realization.” She muttered, loud enough for him to hear in the quiet Batmobile cabin but only barely so. 

Bruce winced. “No, that’s not it at all.” He said softly. “I’m pretty messed up myself, not that I need to tell you that.” He took a moment to compose his next few words. “It’s okay if you want to enjoy your third childhood. It’s always been okay. You said you were an adult when you died the first time before, and I didn’t really internalize that until now. But you’re still my daughter, and that won’t ever go away.”

Tanya blushed at the assertion, only now realizing that maybe taking on her form with the most emotional volatility was not the best move when having such a charged discussion. “...I’m tired.” Tanya said instead of addressing his statement directly. “I wanna go to bed.” She added in a more whiny tone, adjusting the cape slash thermal blanket so that it covered her head. 

Bruce chuckled and started up the Batmobile again, driving home. “Sure thing, Princess.”

Tanya didn’t even last a minute before falling asleep. 

-----------------------

With that, things more or less returned to form. The magical research trundled along, Tanya split her time between being what was probably seen as an incredibly lazy CEO, learning piano and figure skating while maintaining the pretense of also learning singing and tennis, completing incredibly easy homeschooling workbooks, doing a lot of bureaucratic maintenance on the Justice League as it steadily grew in membership, managing up-and-coming heroes who she couldn’t pawn off on actual members of the Justice League, helping Batman more directly with crime fighting using her own magical puissance, and finally, when her schedule opens up, playing the occasional videogame. 

There was one issue: apparently, Miss Kyle had met her limit of weird shit after getting informed that the little girl was, at one point, a thirty year old man, and had promptly broken up with Bruce. Surprisingly, he wasn’t nearly as bothered by this as he was the events following his own learning of that fact, so it didn’t disrupt things nearly as much as one would think. 

With Batgirl as a long-term addition, Gotham seemed to be making actual progress towards no longer needing Batman. 

Until, of course, Earth got its second alien invasion.