Red Flags God Faster; Part 8-9

Chapter 8

“Motherfuckerballscuntfuckshit.”

The sound of Ed hitting the golf ball off the tee had been a clean, loud ping that almost left a ringing in the ear. Unfortunately for him and the ball, he also shanked it way left and there was a loud crack as it solidly hit a tree somewhere well off the fairway.

“Well, good thing we decided to play Best Ball,” Curtis murmured with a smirk, trying not to laugh at his older brother as Ed stomped around in the tee box, snatching his tee off the ground.

“You’re up, Paul,” I said, nodding our younger friend up next. We were only on the second hole, but there was no way that I wanted us to start lagging around - we had Curt and Ed's Dad, and Jeannie and Paul’s Step Dad, behind us with one of Curt’s uncles and a cousin. Bill and Brad were in the third group, probably just getting up to the first tee box along with a couple of cousins, but I wasn’t worried about them crowding us. The old men were much bigger on their golf, and if they started to push up on us then Ed would get even more agitated.

“Alright, now that I’ve made myself a fucking embarrassment, I want two things,” Ed said, coming back to the carts. “First, I want a White Claw from the cooler. Second, Rudy, it’s time to fuckin’ spill! Did you and Hottie McHotFace bang or what?”

I’d known this was coming. I’d avoided questions over breakfast, and the parental generation being around on the ride over to the golf course and on the driving range had kept things down to a wink-wink scenario. Honestly, I was a little surprised Ed, Paul, and Curtis hadn’t started in on me as soon as we’d made it onto the fairway.

“I had a great night with Amber,” I said, waving him off as he cracked open the cooler he had on the back of his golf cart. “And that’s all I’m saying. She’s a cool girl.”

“OK, but she gives off huge Freak in the Sheets vibes,” Ed argued. “Was she? Come on, you can tell the boys.”

“How about this?” I suggested. “You ask her sometime tomorrow when she’s helped Jeannie with her hair and makeup situation.”

“I’m dumb, I’m not an idiot,” Ed smirked, cracking open his can of booze. It wasn’t even noon, but it was a wedding weekend - you would probably down a couple of those before the end of the front nine yourself.

“I swear I recognise her from somewhere,” Paul said, set up to hit and doing a little butt wiggle and shimmy as he lined himself up. He cranked back the club and smashed it, the golf ball soaring out into the fairway.

“Lost it,” Ed said, squinting as he tried to track it through the air.

“Somewhere right, inside the big tree?” I guessed, losing it as well.

“Nice draw, Paul,” Curtis said. “You’re on the fairway.”

Paul pursed his lips, giving a little fist pump. He and Cutis were the most into golf out of your foursome, likely due to the interest of their mutual fathers. My Dad was more of a Football man and continued to be an assistant coach for the local U13 All-Star Pop Warner team in your county, filling his off time with game tape when he wasn’t watching the NFL or College ball.

I was up next and set up my shot as Ed continued to banter.

“You gotta at least admit if you got a blowjob,” he said. “Or something. I mean, you guys disappeared into the champagne room at the strip club for a while. You can’t tell us nothing happened. Why do you hate us so much?”

“Because I think it’s weird how much you want to hear about my penis,” I said, taking up my stance and glancing down the fairway. It was a long Par 4, with a slight right bend and bunkers on the left - not that that meant much of anything to me. I was more of a ‘just try to hit the ball and what happens, happens’ kind of guy.

I pulled back the club and swung, getting a satisfying chonk sound as I made clean contact.

“God fucking damn it,” Ed sighed as I watched the ball fly through the air. “I hate that you look like you’re fucking chopping wood every time you swing, and somehow you still hit it straight.”

“It’s all in the hips,” I smirked as I reached down and nabbed my tee out of the ground before passing Curtis on his way into the box. He gave me a laugh and a high five as I headed back down to the carts. I’d hit my ball clean and straight down the fairway, though I was sure I hadn’t hit nearly as far as Paul had - that was my real secret. I didn’t care about trying to crush the little fucker.

“You stayed at her place, though, so you had to have at least seen her naked,” Ed pivoted right back to his previous question. “Is her ass as nice as it looked in that dress?”

“You were looking at her ass?” Paul asked. “I felt like I was going to fall face-first into her cleavage. She was so hot.”

“We slept together,” I sighed, throwing them a bone. “In her bed. Anything else that happened is gonna have to live in your own imaginations, boys.”

“Leave Rudy alone, guys,” Curtis said, lined up for his shot and looking off down the fairway, picking his spot before adjusting his grip a little and focusing on his ball. “It’s probably for the best if they didn’t have sex last night.”

“What?” I asked, a little surprised.

Curtis paused in answering, letting it rip with his driver and cranking the ball off high down the fairway. I might have looked like I was chopping wood, but he had that classic stance you could see on any golfing program as he held his backswing, watching his ball soar.

“I just mean that you’re a romantic at heart, my guy,” Curtis said, still watching his ball as it flew and bounced down the fairway, outpacing mine by a good thirty yards or more. “You aren’t built for hookups. Hell, you brought her with you back to the hotel this morning.”

“Considering she’s saving Jeannie’s mental state, I don’t think I should be catching shit for that,” I said in a deadpan as he started coming down from the tee box.

“Oh. My. God,” Ed blurted, pointing at me. “You were gonna bang in your hotel room. You got cockblocked by brunch!”

Paul started coughing as he tried not to laugh.

“Fuck off, Ed,” I sighed, checking back behind us and seeing that the Dads group was already wrapping up on the previous green. “Come on, let’s get moving.”

I hopped in the cart beside Curtis, the Groom preferring to drive the cart rather than be chaperoned around, and he got us moving before Ed or Paul could say anything else. We followed the hard-packed gravel cart path down and around the little gulley the tee box overlooked, bumping along with our golf bags rattling behind us.

“I didn’t mean anything by that,” Curtis said. “You know that, right?”

“Dude, it’s fine,” I said, waving him off. We’d had ‘man talk’ about my dating habits before - and even more with Jeannie involved, since she was more of a meddler and wanted to see me with someone. He hadn’t said anything that I hadn’t heard before. 

“I just mean- Look, man. Amber is smokin’ hot, and I hope you did get to have fun with her however you guys… yeah,” he continued, weaving us onto the fairway from the path and making a line towards my ball. “And honestly? Last night I thought it was amazing timing that you two were clicking so you could have a confidence boost and shit going into this weekend. And I’m not begrudging adding her to the guest list as your Plus One or whatever.”

“Wait, why would I need confidence this weekend?” I asked, frowning as he slowed us down and pulled up to my ball. I jumped out and scooped it up, glancing ahead of us - I’d landed just left of the middle of the fairway, about thirty-five yards back from Paul’s ball and forty from Curtis. I sat back down and he took off again, headed towards his ball, as Ed and Paul paced us over to the left, veering towards Paul’s ball to pick it up.

“No reason,” Curtis answered me, immediately pinging my Bullshit Radar.

“Why do I need a confidence boost this weekend, Curtis?” I asked again, a little more firmly. He knew I wasn’t a fan of public speaking; if he was springing a speech on me…

He scoffed and then sighed as he pulled us up to his ball and put the cart in park. Then he looked over at me with a pinched expression. “Don’t shoot the messenger?”

“Depends on how he delivers the message,” I said. “If the mailman kicks my dog, I don’t care what letter he’s carrying.”

Curtis rolled his eyes - that particular anecdote dated back to our old High School principal. “Alexa is going to be at the wedding,” he said. “Actually, she’s flying in this afternoon.”

“Oh… kay?” I asked, not sure how to feel about that. I knew why he would say it like that, since Alexa had been in our friend group since middle school and we’d sort of danced around each other a lot before she went out of state for college. I’d always had a crush on her back then, but she’d been a pretty, popular girl who never lacked a date with a jock on a Friday night. That last summer after high school had been tough, and she’d basically pre-broken up with me without us ever having done anything or even gone on a date. “What’s that got to do with me?” I asked. “Isn’t she married to that baseball player?”

“Divorced,” Curtis said. “Or getting divorced? It’s filed and all that, they’re just in the waiting period or something before it’s legal.”

Paul and Ed pulled up next to our cart, and Ed immediately started smirking. “You told him about Alexa?”

“Why does he know this?” I asked, thumbing towards the other cart.

“Alexa called Jeannie to see if she could update her RSVP to attending,” Curtis sighed, pulling an iron out of his golf bag and moving to line up his shot to the green. “I don’t know if Alexa actually said anything, but Jeannie thought it would be a fun idea if maybe you two finally got to… I mean, it’s a wedding. Open bar. You’re both single. Maybe something happens.”

Both Ed and Paul started laughing at the look on my face. I wasn’t sure what that look was, exactly, but I had a feeling if it was on someone else, I would have been laughing too.

Alexa was…

“I think you broke him,” Ed snickered.

I shook my head and sighed. “Fuck off,” I told him again.

“Like I said, don’t blame the messenger,” Curtis said, pausing to take his swing. He got a good connection and sent his ball soaring, but hit it to the right side of the green and bounced just off the edge of it.

“Sure, because you didn’t think Jeannie’s idea was great,” I deadpanned.

“OK, maybe I did,” Curtis rolled his eyes at me. “It’s not like I was planning to push you two into a closet and giggle about seven minutes in heaven, but it’s weird you two never got together and you kind of hold every potential date up against her.”

“No, I don’t,” I said, taking my turn to scoff as Paul tossed his ball in the same general spot as Curtis had hit from and started lining up his shot. We needed to get a move on, or the Dads would start thinking it might be funny to hit a warning shot from the tees.

“I mean, he’s not wrong,” Paul said, doing his little butt shimmy as he prepped his shot. “You have a type.”

“What type?” I grimaced. “All three of my girlfriends have been different. Different hair colour, different heights, different physical stuff.” That last part, and the mild hesitation before it, got chuckles out of Ed and Curtis. Wendy, my second girlfriend, had been particularly blessed in the chest department, where Brin and Sarah had been skinnier. “Hell,” I continued. “Brin was Dominican. I don’t even have an ethnic or cultural ‘type.’”

“My guy,” Curtis sighed, patting me on the shoulder as Paul took his shot and just managed to float over the bunker on the front left of the green and stick to the short stuff. “Your type is High Standards. Both for the girl and what the girl expects. You date overachievers.”

“Hot overachievers,” Paul said, gesturing for me to take my shot. “Let me guess - Amber is actually a Pediatric Brain Surgeon?”

“That would track,” Ed added. “And explain why she knows strippers. She probably saved one of their kids from some rare brain disease or something. Pro bono. Do Doctors do that?”

“You guys are fucked,” I sighed, tossing down my ball and shaking my head as I lined up to hit.

“Yeah, well, the point is, Alexa is going to get here sometime this afternoon,” Curtis said. “So you should probably figure out if you want to push the brakes on the Amber thing. Alexa is thinking about moving back here. Maybe even back home.”

I swung and took a thick chunk out of the ground, my ball popping high and right. “She’s moving back?” I asked, frowning over at him. This whole thing was one hell of a burying-the-lead situation.

“On the fence right now, I guess,” Curtis shrugged.

“Look at him,” Ed stage-whispered to Paul in an awful David Attenborough impression as he was getting a new ball out of his bag. “The wild Rudy, paralysed by indecision, as two potential mates have made themselves known in the area. What will he do when-”

“Just hit the ball, Ed,” I sighed.

He laughed, and Curtis and Paul were both smirking a little at the teasing getting to me.

I didn’t know how to take what I’d just learned. Amber was… pretty fucking great, and while I didn’t have blue balls after what we’d already done, I was still hungry to complete the circle and find out what our chemistry was like when we went for a homerun instead of just an RBI double. But Alexa…

“You OK?” Curtis asked me after we’d finished up with the hole, Paul draining a long putt to keep our group score at par. 

“I’m fine,” I said automatically, then sighed and shook my head. “Alexa and I…”

“Alexa was a dumb teenager with too many options and her older sister yapping in her ear,” Curtis said, throwing his arm around me as we sat in the golf cart and started to head towards the next tee box. The Dads behind us had barely waited for us to clear the green before they started hitting, and we could hear the thumps of their balls landing. “You two should have gotten together.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Maybe, back then. I wasn’t going to beg.”

“No, you just made her want to break up with every guy she dated by being better than them at everything,” Curtis smirked.

“Not everything,” I snorted.

“OK, not grades in school, or getting big college scholarships or acceptance letters,” Curt said. “But everything else that mattered, you sure as fuck went out of your way to make sure you were the glaringly obvious choice for Best Boyfriend Potential. But you didn’t beg.”

I sighed again, chewing on the inside of my cheek as I stared off into the trees as we broke out of the path and pulled up to the tee box behind Ed and Paul. “She still chose anyone other than me,” I said, and I wasn’t sure if it was logic or spite that I was feeling.

“Did she, though?” Curtis asked. “You two had that big blow-up thing that neither of you would talk about, and two weeks later you were in your thing with Brin, and she went off to college a month and a half later. From everyone else’s perspective, you kinda put the nail in the coffin.”

“That’s-” I started to argue, but he wasn’t wrong. I hadn’t ever told my friends what Alexa had said to me that night when we’d had the argument that put a seal on whatever could have been, and apparently, she hadn’t either. “I don’t know,” I eventually said.

“Come on, you’ve got time to figure shit out,” Curtis said, slapping my knee and then getting out of the cart. “Well, a little time. Don’t think too hard.”

I waved him off and grabbed my phone out of the compartment in the cart, opening it up and thumbing into my messages - ignoring the ones from Jeannie and Bobby-Jo teasing me about Amber.

Darlin’.

I’d handed my phone over to her to put in her contact info, and that’s what she’d put herself in as before texting herself so she’d have my number, too.

‘Have you ever been arrested?’ I texted her before getting out of the cart. Paul was already hitting, and Ed was ready to go next, so I took my time in joining them before rounding out the order.

Alexa was coming back, and she was single.

The What Ifs of everything from back then were hot coals in my mind.

My phone buzzed in my pocket as I was lining up to hit, and again as I was hitting, making me flinch slightly and top the ball, sending it skipping straight forward about fifty yards over the Ladies tee box and maybe ten yards onto the fairway. I ignored the jeering from the guys, not bringing up that Ed in particular had only just managed to hit his first decent drive of the day, and pulled out my phone as I slowly went back to the carts.

‘Three times. Twice for public indecency, once for reckless driving,’ Amber had texted back. ‘Have you?’

‘Twice. Battery both times. Both times security footage got the charges dropped,’ I replied.

She was typing a reply as I sat down next to Curtis in the cart, and he nodded to me with a knowing look and pulled us up towards the fairway so I could grab my ball on the way by it.

‘You’re the kind of guy that gets in fights?’ Amber asked.

‘People think I have a punchable face,’ I sent back. ‘I’m the stubborn idiot who finishes a fight when someone else starts one.’

‘That’s kinda hot as fuck, Beau.’

I grunted and slid my phone back into the compartment in the dash of the golf cart as we pulled up to Paul's ball, since it was better placed than Curtis’s, even though he’d hit about ten yards farther just on the left fringe of the fairway. Once we’d all hit and were headed towards the green, I checked again, and she’d texted more.

‘FYI - Public Indecency charges were when I was 18, and I had to do some community service for both. First time me and my friends flashed a cop, and he turned out to be gay - he didn’t appreciate it :P Second time was when I was just starting my Insta career and I was doing a collab with a couple of girls, filming ourselves doing dances in the park. They both decided to film one topless, and I was recording, so we all got arrested.’

I snorted softly, smirking a little at her stories. I also noticed she didn’t explain the reckless driving arrest, but decided not to pry.

‘How is hitting little balls with skinny sticks?’ she asked before I could respond.

‘Not my usual thing, but Curtis likes it,’ I told her. ‘How is your thing?’

I had to put the phone down again so we could chip onto the green, then putt. Thankfully, the guys had moved on to some of the more regular bullshitting topics so I wasn’t catching more attention than usual. Part of me wondered if Curt had given Ed and Paul a signal to give me some space.

Curtis kept me distracted from my phone until after we’d teed off from the fifth hole, and when I checked it again, Amber had sent me a cute selfie with her smirking and showing off her nails, which had been painted a dark blue the night before but were stripped bare now. ‘Pivoted plans with a friend to getting a fresh manicure now that I’m going to a wedding tomorrow :P’ That had been followed up with a close-up of a couple of bottles of nail polish. ‘Red or green? I’ll match my dress to it.’

Part of me wanted to flirt. Hard. How was I supposed to pick a colour without seeing her in the dresses?

But then… How much was I going to push this thing?

‘Green,’ I texted back instead, deciding not to fish for anything.

‘Green it is :)’ she replied after a moment. Then, ‘The red dress might be a bit much for a wedding anyway :P’

That made me groan a little. After the clingy little black dress she’d been wearing the night before, how much more daring could a dress be on her?

We were pulling up to the tee box on the eighth hole when Curtis and I found Ed and Paul giggling like schoolboys.

“What’s gotten into them?” I asked.

“No clue,” Curtis said as we both got out of the cart and grabbed our drivers before heading towards them. “You guys finally figure out there’s porn on the internet or something?”

“I told you I recognised her,” Paul said, waving his phone around. “Dude, you fucked a pornstar!”

“What?” Curtis and I asked at the same time.

“Was it crazy good?” Ed asked. “I mean, I assume it was, but maybe not? Was she into anything kinky? Did you do butt stuff?”

“Jesus Christ, Ed,” Curtis said.

“Amber’s not a pornstar,” I said, grimacing at the two of them.

“She’s totally a pornstar,” Paul said. “I finally figured out I recognised her from TikTok. She doesn’t post porn on there, but does a ton of thirst traps. And she’s super popular. She links to her Instagram, and there's more stuff like that there, and from there she links to an OnlyFans account.”

“Dude,” Ed said, almost giddy. “You banged a pornstar! That’s, like, mythic-status!”

Paul pushed his phone into my hands, wanting me to see the evidence. He had Instagram open to a profile, and… it was definitely Amber. Of the first six visible pictures, five were thirst traps. Three pretty skimpy bikini pictures, one in a big towel with wet hair like she’d come out of the shower, and one in booty shorts and a crop top. She looked hot in all of them, that was for sure. Almost uncomfortably hot. The sixth picture had a bunch of text edited onto it and looked more like an advertisement for something than a picture of her. The profile name was ‘Amberlee Austin,’ which wasn’t actually her name, but close enough I could guess it was something she’d come up with when she’d been starting out and wanted to be at least somewhat anonymous. And it did have a link to an OnlyFans account.

It also had 4.3 million followers.

“Jesus H. Christ,” I muttered.

“And here’s her TikTok,” Paul said, poking at his phone to switch apps. Same profile picture and name, but different video thumbnails from the pictures even though they followed the same themes.

16.3 million followers.

I moved to hand the phone back to Paul, but he directed it to Curtis. I pinched the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes as I tried to figure out what I was feeling.

Millions.

I had an Instagram account with 7 followers, and I never looked at it. I didn’t even have TikTok on my phone. A couple of the YouTube people I subscribed to had built up a couple of million followers, but not like that.

Millions of men followed her for her photos and videos. Hell, even if she had tapped into some lesbian market or something and half her followers were women, it was still millions of men. When she’d told me she was the top ‘non-nude cocktease’ or however she’d worded it, I don’t think I’d clued into what that meant by sheer volume of eyeballs that were lusting after her.

Curtis must have seen something on my face because he wrangled the guys onto the tee box instead of letting me get pressed further for the moment.

I avoided whatever I was feeling by going over to the ball washer post and cleaning my golf ball, pumping the plastic handle rigorously enough that the whole post was shaking. The ball came out clean, but I still felt off.

Millions was a lot of people.

And those bikinis had been… pretty tiny. Not a whole lot left to the imagination. And that didn’t even account for her dancing or whatever.

The depths of my lizard brain challenged whether that mattered. It wasn’t like she’d hidden it from me; I just hadn’t asked for details. I hadn’t known enough to know what to ask. And she had been surprised, and maybe relieved, that I didn’t know who she was.

“She told me she did online modelling stuff,” I blurted out as I went up to the tee box since all three of them had finished hitting. “And that it could be a little risque. I didn’t ask to see it, and I didn’t realise she was popular like that. She’s not a pornstar though. No sex, no nudity.”

“I dunno man,” Paul said. “I feel like I’ve seen her naked. Did you see that little red bikini on her Instagram?”

“If you haven’t seen her OF page, how do you even know she’s telling the truth?” Ed asked. “I mean, what if she’s actually some cock-gobbling BBC gangbang fanatic, but she’s a freak and wants to find some pushover boyfriend to slowly turn into a cuck to do all her household chores and shit?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that, and I just stared at Ed for a moment with my mouth half open before I shook my head and decided to ignore him, focusing on Paul. “She has a line, and says she doesn’t cross it and isn’t ashamed for her grandma to see anything she’s put out,” I shrugged.

“Wild,” Curtis said, shaking his head lightly. “I mean, wild that we’ve met a massive Instagram model randomly at a bar. And that you did whatever you did with her, and now she’s coming to my wedding. Like, she had more followers on any one platform than all four of us have probably met in our entire lives combined.”

“To be fair, we grew up in the same town,” Paul chuckled.

“We’re not at least curious if she does gangbangs?” Ed asked.

“Why, Ed?” I countered sharply. “It’s not like you’re getting an invite if she is, and we all know even if you did get one, Charlie would hang you up by your balls.”

“Hey, my wife doesn’t need to know we met a not-quite pornstar,” Ed said. “At least until after the wedding.”

I grunted. At least he didn’t try to argue he wasn’t just all bark.

They let me hit, and I cut left, but at least made it a fair distance even if I wasn’t anywhere near being the best ball. The guys were quiet until we were in the carts and heading out, and then Curtis leaned towards me in our cart. “So… did you have sex with her?” he asked quietly. “She’s stupid hot, dude. And your past girlfriends have all been hot, but she’s like…”

“I know,” I sighed.

Amber was fucking gorgeous. Physically, she was probably an eight out of ten, but her personality, the way she smiled, the way she engaged in a conversation and treated other people… Perfect Ten.

Except millions.

“We fooled around, but I didn’t have a condom,” I admitted as we stopped to pick up my ball. “We stopped for them on the way to the hotel, and she had them in her purse when we got pulled into brunch.”

“Oh,” Curtis said, then started grinning and wincing at me. “Fuuuuck, you got cock blocked so hard, dude.”

“Yeah, kinda,” I managed to chuckle.

“So… what are you thinking?”

“I don’t know,” I said, leaning back heavily in the golf cart seat. “She’s pretty fucking great.”

“Except she lives here in the city, and she does almost-porn,” Curtis filled in my thoughts.

“Yeah.”

“And Alexa is Alexa,” he guessed.

“Yeah,” I nodded.

We converged on the best placed ball, which was apparently Curtis’s, and we were on a Par 5, so he and Paul were hitting their Woods while Ed and I stuck to our long irons. I got the right line, but didn’t have the range to get the ball onto the green. Paul overshot the green by a good fifteen yards at least, while Curtis put his into a bunker on the right. Ed, surprisingly, plopped his ball on the front half of the green, and it bounced and rolled to the back without going over.

Another cart ride later and Curt and I parked behind Ed and Paul, but the other two didn’t get out of their cart. 

“Yo, come look at this,” Paul called. Curtis and I frowned at each other and went over to them before grabbing our clubs, and we flanked the two guys on either side of their cart and leaned down to look in. Paul was holding up his phone for us all to see. “She just posted something to her TikTok.”

I almost pulled away, not sure I wanted to know what she’d posted, but I hesitated long enough that Paul had already started the video, and I grumbled slightly in my chest as we all leaned in to watch his phone screen.

There was about two seconds of text overlaid over Amber as she started talking, reading ‘TMFH Ep 233’. That was decoded almost immediately by the strawberry blonde as she started talking. It looked like she was on her bed in her bedroom, wearing a black athletic bra that showed a good amount of cleavage squished below her chest in view of the camera, and a matching black thong with a thick white elastic waistband. The key with the thong was that she’d positioned herself and the camera in such a way that she was showing off her cleavage and a glimpse of her perfect ass cheeks, while looking up into the camera slightly with a smirk.

Not the smile. The one that could rip my heart out of my chest. Not that. Just a little smirk.

“To My Future Husband,” Amber said clearly, obviously as some sort of introduction that her followers might know the context of. “I’ve been dreaming of what you’ll be like for a long time now, and I think maybe I met you last night? Well, I hope I did. If you’re not him, then you’ll probably make me feel the way he did. You’re strong, and warm without trying, and make me nervous down in my guts with the way you look at me. You make me tingle, and I like that. A lot. You make me want to kiss your face, do things I’ve never done before, and say things I promised I wouldn’t say until I was sure I was ready. If I didn’t meet you last night, then I know the feeling I’m looking for now. I know it’s real. If I did, well, is it too soon to start hearing wedding bells?” She laughed musically, more controlled than when she would laugh in person. 

“That’s only half a pun, you guys, but I’m not telling you why. God, I just met this guy and I need to make sure he really is who he seems to be. If he is, well…” Amber licked her upper teeth lasciviously, grinning widely with a gleam in her eye. “He’s the quiet type, but not shy. We’ll see if he texts me, but either way, I’ll see him tomorrow. I’m not even sure if he’s a texting guy or not, I could see him being a phone call only kind of man.” She let out a sigh that was clearly performative and dramatic. “Is love at first sight still something that can happen?”

Amber made a silly little grinning face, her tongue poking out of the corner of her smile as she looked up and away, and in the background of the video she waggled her butt, making her cheeks jiggle. Then the video looped back to the beginning.

The guys were silent for a long moment, and then like a rising storm they all started going, “ooooOOOOoooOOOHHHH!” and climbing out of the golf cart at me, bouncing with energy and slapping my back and shoulders, laughing and carrying on like damn chimps.

“That’s totally about you, dude,” Curtis was laughing.

“She’s thinking of wedding bells?” Paul jeered. “Cause she’s seeing you at the wedding tomorrow. But it’s only half a pun!”

“You’re so fucked, Rudy,” Ed crowd, shaking me by my shoulder. “You’re so fucked.”

“Get off,” I scoffed, unable to keep myself from grinning at the three of them or at the backwards way I’d just been complimented by Amber. She must have filmed that in between leaving the hotel and going to her manicure appointment with her friend. I’d been complimented before, particularly by girlfriends or when flirting with someone a bit, but never like that. It felt good, if a little weird and awkward.

Once the guys calmed down, we circled around the carts to grab our putters, then went looking for our balls before reconvening at Ed’s ball, looking at a medium-length putt that could double-birdie the hole.

“Man, you are so fucked,” Ed was chuckling as he grinned at me before stepping up to take his putt.

“How am I fucked?” I asked. He’d been saying that before, but this time I realised he was putting more meaning behind it than I’d thought.

“How are you not fucked?” he asked. “That was hot, yeah, but like… red flags all over? She’s crazy as fuck. Which makes her fun, sure, but that can change fast.”

“She was basically dropping an L-bomb there,” Paul said. “After just meeting you. Like, that whole thing had a ‘joking-not-joking’ vibe.”

“Jesus, you guys,” Curtis said. “At least let Rudy revel in it a little before you throw cold water on him.”

“Hey, it’s your wedding where the crazy might come out,” Ed smirked, taking his putt. It went wide right and long, missing the hole by a good four feet. “Fuck.”

“To be fair,” I said. “She told me one of her popular things she posts is doing messages to her future husband. She said people love it.”

“Wait, she already talked to you about that?” Ed asked, making way for Curtis to set his ball down to try his hand at the putt. “You’re so extra fucked. That’s like asking how many kids you want on a first date.”

“That sounds kind of practical,” I countered. “If one person wants eight and the other wants to be kid-free, better to get it out there.”

“OK, it’s like asking if you’re ready to have a kid in the next year or two,” Ed said. “Or… I dunno. Running a credit check on you to see if you’ll be able to get a good mortgage. You should call your bank or whatever, see if someone has tried to run one on you.”

“Fuck off,” I said, though I hesitated a little. He wasn’t wrong. I hadn’t really thought about it, and Amber had been up front about her usual intentions. I’d thought the conversation was pretty reasonable and we were trying to be fair about the circumstances, but thinking about it while not sitting directly across from a gorgeous naked woman put it in a bit of a different light.

“Think she’s gonna run a background check on him too?” Curtis asked, chuckling lightly as he took his but, coming up short by a few inches to the left of the hole and guaranteeing we at last got a birdie as a group.

“We better keep an eye out for a private investigator scoping us out from the bushes,” Paul teased, gesturing for me to take the next putt.

“You guys really know how to make a good thing feel gross,” I sighed as I dropped my ball vaguely in the right spot and checked my line to the hole.

“At least this makes it easy for you to decide who to focus on,” Ed said.

“How’s that?” I scoffed.

“Dude, Alexa isn’t crazy,” Paul said. “And she’s just as hot as Amber. Do you know how many guys in my grade back in high school would have killed for just one date with her?”

“Rudy might have killed them over it, I hear,” Ed smirked, then held up his hands defensively as I shot him a glare. “I’m teasing, Jesus. But for real, don’t piss off the crazy girl until after she helps Jeannie with the hair and makeup stuff, then just soft ghost her by being busy with wedding party stuff. There are way too many red flags going on.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll see,” I sighed, taking my putt. I got the line right but stopped about a foot in front of the hole, misreading the speed and coming up short.

“Get that out of my way,” Paul smirked, waving at my ball. “I’ll sink this.”

He didn’t sink it, rimming around the edge of the cup and shooting a foot off to the right of the hole. Curtis sank his ball for the birdie, and we all started back to the carts.

“Amber isn’t crazy,” I said before we climbed into the vehicles. “And maybe I sound a little crazy to you guys saying that, but I think she just knows what she wants and isn’t scared to put it out there. She’s not an ‘almost pornstar,’ but she does make… ‘spicy’ content. She isn’t dropping the L-bomb, she’s just expressing herself somewhere she knows is private from what I would see. Like texting a group chat of her friends.”

“Except her group chat reaches tens of millions of people,” Paul pointed out. “And you aren’t texting us all giddy about her, too.”

“To be fair, Rudy doesn’t get giddy,” Curtis defended me. “That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like her.” Then he turned from the others to focus on me. “He’s right, though, you aren’t telling us what you’re feeling. Are you into her more seriously than a fun hookup? The red warning flags are waving in the wind, dude.”

“I… don’t know,” I sighed. “I need to think about it.”

“He needs to think about it,” Ed scoffed, though he softened it with a grin. “A hot-but-crazy girl on the one hand, and a hot girl-who-got-away on the other, and he needs to think about it. Dude, if you pick Amber over Alexa, you’re fuckin’ insane and I’ll be saying ‘I told you so’ so hard when it crashes and burns.”

I flashed him the finger and sat down in our cart, ending the conversation.

Chapter 9

I was sticky from sweat, just slightly buzzed from the hard seltzers on the course and the round of whiskey the Dads had bought for everyone at the clubhouse after the game, and slightly light-headed from the combo of the long hours in the sun and the cigars that Curtis’s cousin had busted out. A shower and a nap were in my immediate future plans, preferably sooner rather than later, since we had the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner later that afternoon and evening.

There were a couple of things I had to do before I could let myself relax, though. I generally did my best thinking in the shower - maybe it was something about the heat, the sound of the water, or just the beating of strong water on my back, but it usually put me in a thinking mood. The problem was that I knew if I went and had a shower now, my mind would just be running in circles without any better ideas.

There wasn’t a point to running in circles if I didn’t confront some shit.

So while most of the guys headed off to the elevators to go up to their various rooms, and the rest headed into the bar to keep the party going, I stopped in the hotel lobby and collapsed onto one of the leather-cushioned benches in the air conditioning. I gave myself a solid minute to just breathe, trying to clear my mind, before I pulled out my phone.

‘Hey. The guys figured out who you are. They know.’

Quick. Simple. I sent it to Amber.

She texted back about a minute later.

‘Well… balls. It was kinda nice being anonymous there for a minute :/ It was bound to happen tho. Was it Ed?’

‘Paul,’ I texted back. ‘But Ed was the most vocal about it.’

She sent a grimace emoji, and then started typing but the three dots started and stopped a couple of times before it finally came through. ‘Shit. They saw my post earlier, didn’t they?’

‘I did too. They watched it in front of me.’

She sent another grimace face, and then a blushing one.

‘I promise I’m not crazy. Or a stalker. I cut that lock of your hair for purely scientific reasons :P’

I snorted and smirked a little, shaking my head. At least I knew she had a sense of humour. ‘Gonna grow a clone of me, aren’t you?’

‘Just of your penis,’ she replied, along with a crying laughing emoji. ‘But for real, what are you thinking?’

That was the question I was afraid she would ask, and I sighed heavily and shook my head before I started texting back. ‘You warned me, so I wasn’t that shocked by what I saw. I’m trying to wrap my head around the SIZE of it though. I’m not sure how to feel about it.’

‘Can I send you something?’

I frowned and sent her back some question marks, not sure what she meant.

She replied with an eyeroll emoji and, ‘Are you alone, or is someone able to see your screen, Beau?’

I looked up and around on instinct, and there wasn’t anyone from the wedding party around. There were a couple of hotel staff working at the front desk across the lobby, and a couple of other people in the lobby, but no one was near me. ‘I’m alone, Darlin.’

The picture came in after a moment and I gulped. It was Amber in the driver seat of her truck, hair blown around a little from the window being down as she was driving. She was grinning, nose scrunched up and her tongue stuck out playfully, and she was pulling down the elastic straps of her athletic bra and the tank top she was wearing over it, one of the tits hanging out like a perfect… well, a perfect tit. She was cute, and gorgeous, and it was hot. All three of my previous girlfriends had sent me sexy pictures before, but they were always in their underwear, or just teasing. Never just… casually. Playfully.

‘Now you have something that no one else does,’ she texted as a follow-up. ‘I’m trusting you not to burn me with that and post it or leak it or something.’

That brought a second gulp out of me. No one had a picture like that of her? What about her exes she’d briefly referenced?

Why trust me with… her career, really? Her professional boundaries?

‘You can trust me, Darlin. And that’s sexy as hell.’

‘Trust IS sexy :P’ she replied.

I scrolled up and took another look at the photo, having a brief, vague moment of sensory recall of sucking on that perfect tit the night before. It was an absolute crime that we’d barely spent any time on those breasts. Or her ass, for that matter. It had almost all been kissing lips and giving each other head, from what I could remember. Looking at the picture again made me frown, though.

‘Wait. Who took that picture? You have both hands on the wheel.’

Another picture came in after a minute of me trying to figure out if she could have taken it with her phone on a mount or something. It would have had to have been on a swivel arm to get the angle, so that didn’t make sense.

The picture loaded, and I had to clear my throat to stop from coughing and snorting at the same time. It was a selfie, but not of Amber. It was the dark-haired stripper who had danced for us in the champagne room the night before. She was in the passenger seat of Amber’s truck, grinning in the light of day, and she looked a little younger than she had at the strip club. Less striking, but more… cute-pretty.

She also happened to have her lime green top pulled up over her small chest, flashing both her little boobs with their puffy nipples as she gave the camera an exaggerated wink.

‘Remember me?’ she texted. ‘Sorry, Amber is driving, so I’ve been typing what she tells me to type.’

‘I remember you,’ I sent back, not thrilled that someone else had been in on the conversation this whole time, but also understanding how it had happened. It was easy enough if I had texted, and Amber had asked her friend to read it, and then the conversation was off and running. ‘You look cute as hell today. I promise not to spread that picture around either.’

‘You’re sweet, but IDGAF. I’m a dancer, guys see my tits all the time,’ she responded. Then, ‘This is a message from me now, not Amber, and I’m not telling her what I’m saying until it’s sent. My girl here is HAPPY, man. With her whole life. And it took a long time for her to find that. So you’ll be a massive fucking asshole if you try to make her feel like shit for any part of it. And don’t play with her heart. It sounds like you both need to get laid, but don’t get twisted up. She has her life, you have yours. You’re cute and well-behaved, but you aren’t her Dad, her brother or her boyfriend. Got it?’

‘Yes, ma’am,’ I replied, this time actually clearing my throat.

‘She’s mad I sent that, and wants me to apologise, but I won’t,’ she sent.

‘The last thing I would want to do is hurt her,’ I sent back. ‘Or piss you off. What’s your name? I’d like to know if you’re this close to Amber.’

‘I’m Iris,’ she replied.

‘I promise to treat her with all the respect I can muster up, Iris.’

‘God, you’re such a country boy,’ Iris replied, then a trio of crying laughing emojis. ‘Amber is flipping out now. Feel free to masturbate to our titties, Rudy-Poo. She’ll text you later.’

On the one hand, it sounded like Amber had friends with as strong feelings about her as I had. Curtis played it cool on the golf course, but I knew he was worried about me with all this shit. And I still had to confront Jeannie for this whole thing going around, talking behind my back and making plans, but I knew she was doing it because she cared about me.

On the other hand, I was pretty fucking sure that conversation hadn’t really helped me figure out where I was at. Which was frustrating. Every time I thought maybe I understood where I was going with this whole thing, Amber threw me another curveball. That picture she’d trusted me with wasn’t just a fun little flirty thing; that was trust. And trust took… feelings that were strong enough to have faith in them. It didn’t change the uncomfortable feeling I got when I considered the big numbers on her social media accounts, though. Or that now my friends, along with at least Ed, but probably Jeannie and Bobby-Jo by now too, had all seen way more of Amber than I would have been comfortable with even if we all took a trip to the beach or something. Those bikini pictures were fucking skimpy. Hot, sure, but only in a carnal, disposable way.

Maybe I really was fucked. 

I was planning on trying to find Jeannie to just get that conversation out of the way, and was working up the will to stand up from the surprisingly comfortable bench to do just that, when the wind was let out of my sails by a sudden change in the metaphorical barometric pressure in the room.

Alexa walked back into my life.

She also walked into the hotel lobby, but that was less significant.

I’d had it bad for her when we were teens, but then so had everyone. She was tall, almost six feet in her socks, and at the time, she’d been lithe in a graceful way that most girls our age couldn’t manage. She’d been a dancer her entire life, which showed in how she moved and carried herself - with confidence, coordination and a peppy bounce to her step. She’d always worn her chestnut hair long and wavy, and it still was, though she had it tied back in a ponytail now. She’d also filled out a bit more since I’d last seen her that summer before everyone left for college. There was a lot more boob tucked away in her t-shirt, and her hips had filled out a bit more as well, giving her even more of a sexual sultriness even though she was wearing comfortable, loose cargo pants that hung low on her hips.

Alexa was pulling a pair of matched suitcases behind her and was lifting a pair of chunky sunglasses up onto her forehead, blinking at the change in lighting from the bright outside to the cooler, dimmer inside.

If anything, the last seven years of maturing had only made her more beautiful. More of a woman.

“Rudy?” she asked, recognising me immediately and breaking into a huge smile. “Oh my God, Rudy!”

She started coming over, and I stood up, and then she was hugging me, and I had her in my arms. The hug was tight and hard, and I matched it, squeezing her to me automatically. She was only a few inches shorter than me, and feeling her chest pressed into mine was… well, she felt all woman against me, and not shy about it.

“It’s so good to see you,” she said.

“You too, Lex Luthor,” I said, using my old nickname for her.

She laughed, pulling back and smirking a little as she looked over my face. Those sexy blue eyes were just as bright as ever.

“OK, Scrappy-Doo,” she said, hitting me right back with her old nickname for me. “You weren’t waiting down here for me, were you?”

“No, no,” I shook my head. “That would be- Well, it would be something. I was just cooling off. The wedding party boys and some of the relatives were out golfing.”

“Mmmm,” she hummed, smiling again. “That’s why you smell like that.”

“I smell?” I asked, letting go of her since we were still hugging.

“Not bad,” she assured me, leaning in a little and taking an exaggerated sniff. “Just like man. I like it.” She smirked again, meeting my eyes. “I must look like a mess, and smell like an airport.”

“You look great, Lex,” I assured her. “And you’re wearing that perfume you used to love.”

“You remember that?” she asked with a chuckle. “You know you bought me that first bottle, right? I never found one I liked better. Here, let me check in, then help me get my stuff up to my room?”

“Sure,” I agreed.

“Thanks,” she said, blowing a little air kiss to me as she finally let go of my waist and backed away. “You always were the perfect gentleman, Rudy. I’ve missed that. God, I’ve missed that.” She turned and left me with her bags, heading to the front desk. I was pretty sure she worked her hips a bit more than necessary as she walked away.

“....Fuck,” I exhaled, muttering to myself.

Alexa looked good, even having just flown in.

Really fucking good.

I ground my teeth for a moment, eyeing her from behind as she was dealing with one of the front desk agents, then gathered her two suitcases and made sure they were out of the way before sitting back down on the bench.

“Fuck,” I muttered again.

My head was a fucking mess, and I knew it.

I didn’t get it anywhere near sorted by the time she was done checking in, and I stood up again to meet her.

“You’re looking really good, Rudy,” she said, openly eyeing me up and down. “I’m surprised to see you in a polo by choice, though.”

“Golfing,” I reminded her, smirking a little. 

“Right,” she chuckled. Then she grabbed one of her suitcase handles and waved her room key packet. “Come on, I’m all set.” I grabbed her other bag and followed her towards the elevators. “How are the happy couple?” she asked.

“Curtis is good,” I told her. “No cold feet yet, as far as I know. A little nervous, but I guess that’s normal. Jeannie had a minor disaster this morning with her makeup and hair person, but I think that’s been sorted out.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Alexa said. “Something always goes wrong with a wedding, so getting it out of the way now means tomorrow should be perfect. I- Um, look, Rudy, I’m sorry I didn’t, uh, invite you…”

“It’s alright, Lex,” I said, shaking my head. “We…”

“No, I should have invited you,” she said, then sighed and shook her head. “You would have been the perfect guest, and we could have been talking for the last four years. And you probably would have given me the kick in the ass I needed, too.”

“Curtis told me things aren’t great,” I said, grimacing a little in empathy with her as the elevator arrived and we got on.

“I caught him cheating, red-handed,” Alexa said, matching my grimace. “I’d been pretty sure he was cheating, but I’d kind of- I don’t know. I decided as long as I didn’t see it, I wasn’t sure I cared. I knew like five other couples who were ignoring each other’s shit like that, so it didn’t feel so wrong. But seeing it right in front of my face kinda knocked some sense back into me. So far, he’s been cordial with the divorce proceedings, so I’m playing nice and not letting everyone in his family know. Or see the security camera footage.”

“That sucks,” I said, reaching over and giving her hand a squeeze.

She shrugged, shaking her head and smile-frowning at me. “Yeah, well, that’s life, I guess.”

I wanted to tell her that wasn’t how life should be, but I knew enough to keep my mouth shut. It wouldn’t be helpful.

We reached her floor, and I followed her out as she led me down the hall.

“So, are you seeing anyone?” she asked. “Got a hot date for the wedding, or are you riding solo?”

Was she actually curious, or was she trying to lay some groundwork?

“I’m not dating anyone,” I said. “I do have a Plus One for the wedding tomorrow, but we just met. She’s helping with the makeup and hair disaster I mentioned.”

“OK,” Alexa said, stopping at her door and tossing her hair before looking over her shoulder at me with an expression that seemed normal, but could have been masking anything. “That’s good of Jeannie to get you to help the saviour of the hour to make sure she’s welcome at the wedding. You’re probably the best date any gal could ask for, for something like this. You’ll need to save a dance for me, though.”

“I’ll save a dance for you,” I grinned a little. The last time we’d danced together had been at our Prom, and she’d spent most of the event with me instead of her date.

“Good,” she smiled, then pushed her bag into the room and reached out to put her hand on mine, holding her other piece of luggage. “It’s really good to see you, Rudy,” she said. “Really good. I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Lex,” I sighed.

“I guess now you know where you can find me for the rest of the weekend,” she smirked a little, glancing at the room number mounted next to her door and then back at me. “Feel free to come knock if you’re feeling lonely. I’d love to catch up with you more.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest.

“See you soon, Scrappy,” she said and winked at me as she pulled her other bag inside and stood with the door half open.

“See you at dinner,” I agreed, backing away without turning.

She grinned and closed the door.

I turned, headed for the elevators and held my breath the entire way until I’d pressed the call button. Then it came out in a rush and I had to suck in another.

“Fuck,” I muttered, shaking my head. “Fuck.”

I pulled my phone out of my pocket when the elevator arrived instead of getting in, putting my foot in the way of the door closing as I quickly went to my texts with Jeanette. ‘Where are you right now?’

The elevator ended up buzzing in complaint of me holding the door before I got a text back, so I let it go. Of course, immediately after it closed, she responded. ‘Upstairs. About to go to the pool. Something wrong?’

‘I’ll meet you down there. No emergency,’ I replied, then hit the call button again. I rode the elevator back down in silence, then wound my way through the hotel until I got to the pool area out the back. It wasn’t some big, extravagant resort like I’d seen in pictures or movies, but it was a nice, shaded area surrounded by trees and shrubs, and a big oblong-shaped pool with a half dozen people around on loungers, including Jeanette’s Grandma and one of her aunts. I stopped off to say hello to them, because that was only polite, then circled around to another part of the pool where there were a bunch of open loungers, since I had a feeling Jeanette wouldn’t be coming down alone.

I sat and pulled out my phone again, contemplating opening my texts with Amber, but I wasn’t sure what I would say to her.

She was… pretty fucking amazing.

But so was Alexa. If anything, Alexa was even more classically stunning than Amber, who had a bit more of a cute-quirky beauty with her personality.

I didn’t open our texts. Didn’t go back to look at the picture she’d sent, or the one of Iris. Not that I would have been swayed by that one - I appreciated that the petite stripper had sent it, but the one from Amber was the one that could probably get me rock hard in my shorts if I looked at it too long.

There wasn’t anything else on my phone that was going to help me either. Texting Curtis, or one of the other guys, wasn’t going to help me with this one. I could text my Dad, but he wasn’t likely to be super helpful.

The wave came on fresh as I realised the person I really wanted to talk to was my sister. She’d been gone almost three years now, and I still wasn’t used to that.

Alexa hadn’t invited me to her wedding. She also hadn’t come to the funeral.

To be fair, I hadn’t exactly been mad about that at the time. My sister and Alexa hadn’t ever been that friendly, and looking back, it had probably been because Mel hadn’t liked how Alexa never seemed to give me the attention I was willing to give her. Melina had never said that, or even really said a bad word about Alexa, but she also hadn’t been as warm to her as she was to all my other friends.

Did I feel any sort of way about Alexa not coming to the funeral? Not saying something now? There was no way she didn’t know. But it was also kind of an awkward conversation, and we’d just said hello.

I shook my head, shoving my phone in my pocket, and closed my eyes as I leaned back in the chair lounger with one foot propped on the ground.

Jeanette and the bridal party’s arrival was accompanied by a lot of chatter, and I realised I’d almost dozed off in the warmth of the day. I sat back up, and Jeanette waved to her Grandma and aunt but came right around the pool to me while her friends went over to say hello to the older women. They were all wearing bikinis of various levels of coverage, though my brain immediately filed away that none of them were anywhere near the skimpiness of those photos of Amber.

“Hey,” Jeanette said, plopping down onto the lounger next to me and chewing on the inside of her cheek as she eyed me.

“Hey,” I said, and let out a heavy breath.

“Curtis told me you know about Alexa now,” she said.

“Mhmm,” I hummed. “I also just met her in the lobby and helped her up to her room.”

“You did?” Jeanette asked, eyebrows rising. “I didn’t realise she was here yet.”

“Just got in,” I shook my head. “You really couldn’t have warned me?”

“I just figured…” Jeanette said, but trailed off and shrugged. “I thought if you had time to think about it, then you’d get all wrapped up in your head. You do that, you know.”

“Maybe I do, but still,” I said.

“OK, I’m sorry,” Jeanette sighed. “So… what did you think?”

“About Alexa?”

“About… Well, I didn’t know things were going to be more complicated, obviously. Curtis told me about Amber, too. Dude, she’s like super popular online.”

“I know,” I grimaced.

“She’s got great tits,” Jeanette smirked.

“Yeah, well, so does Alexa, apparently,” I snorted.

“She showed you her tits?” Jeanette laughed.

“No,” I scoffed and chuckled. “They’re just sort of… there.” I held my hands up in front of me, trying not to look too much like I was honking a pair of boobs.

“Fair,” Jeannie smirked. “So what are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking I’m fucking confused, Jeannie,” I said.

“Well, could you do me a favour? Could you not bail on or ghost Amber until after I’m married?” Jeanette winced. “If that’s the way you go?”

I gave her a look, and she winced harder. She knew I wasn’t one to play games or string someone along. “I’ll keep that in mind,” I offered.

“Thanks, Rudy,” she sighed, reaching over and grabbing both my hands, giving them a shake and a squeeze. “For what it’s worth? I thought Alexa and you hooking up was an awesome idea, but I also really like Amber. I don’t think there’s a wrong choice, OK?”

“The guys think Amber is a bunch of walking red flags,” I said. “Ed in particular.”

“Yeah, well, maybe,” Jeanette shrugged. “But relationships are about figuring out the kind of crazy that matches your own, and which red flags you can ignore. Curtis and I aren’t perfect, but I think we’re perfect for each other. And I’m like ninety-five per cent sure he thinks that too. And if that other five per cent rears its head between now and game time, I need you ready to club it like a baby seal and make a hat out of it.”

“Jesus, Jeannie,” I laughed at her dark humour.

“I’m serious, Rudy,” she smirked. “But for real? Amber, Alexa? Just be you, OK? That’s all either of them should want, and you’re more than enough. Not that you’re the kind of guy to lose yourself for a girl. Just trust that the right thing will happen.”

“You know I’m going to get you back for not telling me about Alexa, right?” I asked her.

“Oh, I know,” she snorted. “Just do me a favour and wait until after my honeymoon?”

“Of course,” I promised her. “But after that, you’re fair game.”