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OnlyFans Girl Ch. 616-620

Chapter 616


“Oh, gaw-aw-aw-awd,” Emma moaned, full-throated, as her body was rocked by your heavy strokes. She was on her back on the bed but you’d manhandled her around so that her shoulders and head were hanging off the side, so every time you ploughed your cock into her hard enough for your pelvis to slap against her long, skinny thighs her whole body threatened to fall backwards.


She was flushed from her sternum to her hairline. Her nipples were rock hard from the both of you treating them almost cruelly. Her makeup was running down her cheek from the rough blowjob before, and the sweat and tears the brutal, energetic fucking had brought out of her.


“I love it, I love it,” she panted.


You grunted and thrust into her again.


“Please don’t stop, please don’t stop.” Despite her flush and her pleading, her face kept that stoic expression. It was almost eerie, but it was just her.


You pulled out of her, making her moan in loss.


That was the game.


Stepping off the bed, you grabbed Emma with a full handful of her long ginger hair right by the scalp, scooping another hand under her armpit to support her as you hauled her off the bed to her feet and manoeuvred her to the bedroom wall, pressing her back to it. Her eyes were fierce and demanding, her jaw clenched in defiance, and she tossed her hair when you let go of her. That expression changed as you pressed her to the wall with a hand around her throat, her eyes dilating a little and that fierceness leaving her gaze and turning into a mellow, horny simmer.


Your other hand slapped her thighs open roughly, and then you drove your ring and middle finger into her. She gasped, arching her back, and you started to fingerfuck her quickly, searching her.


“Having fun yet, Emma?” you asked, growling it into her ear as your fingers glanced off the little spongy goal of her g-spot deep in her pussy.


“Yes, Sir,” she mewed, her voice going up an entire octave.


Her pussy started to let out a wet sloshing sound as I worked my fingers hard and fast.


“Are you a tamed little brat now, or do you still think you’re in charge?”


“You’re in charge, Sir,” she pleaded, her body rocking forward as she fought to keep herself from falling into her orgasm. She knew the game as well now. “I promise to be a good girl.”


“What do Good Girls get?” you asked her quietly.


“Rewarded,” she gasped.


You let go of her throat and covered her mouth, pushing two fingers between her lips as she started tonguing and sucking on them immediately.


“Relax your pussy and come for me,” you ordered her.


She moaned into your hand, long and loud even though you were muffling her, and she almost fell forward as you pulled your fingers out of her cunt and drilled them across her clit as her orgasm boiled out of her in a surprisingly powerful stream of squirt. Three blasts of it, the first two accompanied by her howls, the third by a strained groan as her hips pushed forward as she chased that feeling of release and squeezed out the last while her whole body tensed.


Emma collapsed forward into your arms, gasping for breath, her entire body hot and sticky. You picked her up and brought her to the bed, your feet feeling the squish of the wetness in the bedroom carpet. You and Sabrina were going to need to steam clean the carpets before you officially moved out. And the couch.


“Holy fuck,” Emma managed to mumble as laid her down on the bed. “You fucking… killed me…”


“You’re still alive,” you chuckled, brushing her hair out of her face and then giving her the tip of your thumb to suck. She did, humming happily as she suckled on it and looked up at you with hooded eyes. Her makeup was even more racoony now, smudged to hell with sweat.


“Alright,” you said. “We need to get you your pictures. So you’re going to go into the washroom and fix your face back up. Then you’re going to come out here and we’ll take the photos.”


“Then can I get fucked again please?” she asked, putting on an extra-innocent voice.


You rolled your eyes and moved your hand down to her chest, pressing between her breasts. “Who gets to decide when we fuck?” you asked her.


“You do,” she replied eagerly.


“And who decides how we fuck?”


“You do, Sir,” she said, biting her lip and letting a grin slip through her stoicism.


“You’ve been a good girl,” you said, helping her sit up and taking her chin in your hand to force her to look you in the eye - not that she had a problem with that, but you knew the forcing was part of what was getting her off so well. “Don’t fuck it up.”


“I won’t, Sir,” she promised.


You chuckled and shook your head as you smirked. “Actually, before you go get cleaned up for the pictures, Emma, you should take a picture of the carpet.”


She gave me a look as you moved out of the way, and her eyes went wide and she snorted. The wet spot on the carpet was pretty obvious. “OK,” she said, the submissive tone in her voice dropping back to her more normal octave. “My fans will love that. I’ve only been able to get myself to do that once and didn’t record it, but the pictures of the little puddle on my bathroom floor were super popular. How’d you make me do it?”


You shrugged. “Some girls can, some can’t. Sabrina and Gemma both can, depending on what kind of sex we’re having and how horny they’ve been through the whole day. I didn’t know it would work, but I had a feeling.”


She took a deep breath and let it out, then stood and wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me. “Thanks, John,” she murmured.


You hugged her back, not shying away from letting one hand land possessively on her ass and hugging her full-bodied. She relaxed into you, perfectly comfortable in the moment despite your hard cock pressed between you and both of you sweaty and gross.


Emma felt the most safe with you after rough, demanding, and even degrading sex. You just hoped you could give her all that she needed so that she didn’t feel like looking for it somewhere else - now that the door was open, you could see someone taking advantage of her and that was the last thing you wanted for your girlfriend’s sister.

Chapter 617


The photos were fairly simple since they were only meant to be teasers. When Emma came back out of the bathroom, her skin no longer flushed pink and her makeup completely redone to her usual standard, you set up a half dozen shots taken from both your point of view and hers in ‘selfie mode.’ Her fingers wrapped around your cock, one-handed and two-handed. Your cock next to her face. Your cockhead, angry and hard, resting on her chin. Your cock resting across her face as she looked at it side-eyed, always with that stoic expression.


The last two were meant to be saved for the days leading up to her first actual boy-girl photoset release - your cock on her stomach, ‘showing’ how deep it would be (though realistically it was some creative camera angles and subtle mispositioning that made the shot go from ‘kinda hot’ to ‘Holy shit how could she take that?’), and another one with your cock hot dogged between her ass cheeks.


Then you were all pictured out and you pressed her down with a firm hand on the small of Emma’s back and thrust your cock into her cunt.


“Yessss,” she hissed, pressing her face to the carpet and clawing at it with both hands over her head.


“Stay- Still-” you growled, thrusting into her hard.


Soon you were pounding her roughly again, her whole front rocking back and forth against the fibres of the carpet. Her head was sideways and you had one hand pressed flat against her cheek, pushing her down as she sucked on your thumb. 


You were ready to come quickly. It was sitting there, boiling in your balls, but you clenched your jaw and tore your cock out of Emma instead of pushing deep and unloading like you wanted to.


Her suddenly vacant feeling made Emma whine in her chest and hump her hips against the floor, begging you without words to keep fucking her.


That wasn’t the game though - or it was, but it wasn’t your role.


“Come on, Emma,” you grunted, scooping her up around her waist and picking her up. This time when you put her back on the bed it was an unceremonious dumping instead of the careful, loving placing you’d done early. She squirmed slightly, getting onto her back and hopefully grabbing behind her knees, spreading herself open for you. “No,” you told her, holding up a finger pointedly in warning, then pointed it at her. “Stay here. You are not allowed to touch your pussy.”


She pouted, her stoic expression breaking as her brow furrowed and her lips pursed, and she made a ‘Humph!’ sound in the back of her throat.


You gave her a look, daring her to challenge you, then turned away and went out of the bedroom.


Sabrina was at the kitchen table, laptop open as she was working on something. When you came out she saw you and gave you a questioning look and a smile, taking off her headphones. “Hey, baby,” she said. “All done?”


You closed the bedroom door, cutting Emma off from the conversation and walked across the apartment to Sabrina, sitting down heavily on the chair and grabbing her hand, kissing it gently. “Your sister is a handful,” you said quietly.


“Are you taking a time out?” Sabrina asked with a chuckle.


“Sort of,” you smirked, wiping your face with a hand. “More like daring her to defy an order.”


“What a little slut,” your girlfriend smirked. “How did the photos turn out?”


“They should be good,” you said. “At least for the purposes. She’ll need to figure out her style for non-solo content though.”


Sabrina nodded, getting a pondering look. “It’s too bad Gemma isn’t here, she could have worked the camera like she did for us.”


“It’s too bad Gemma can’t be here, period,” you sighed.


Sabrina took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, nodding again in commiseration. Then she snorted. “So, about Tommy…”


“Investigation is ongoing,” you smirked.


She flipped you the bird, rolling her eyes. “How long are you gonna make her wait?”


“Just one more thing,” you said, then stood up and leaned over the table, partially closing her laptop so you could kiss your girlfriend tenderly.


“Mmm,” she hummed into the kiss, deepening it a little as she pressed towards you, before finally pulling back. “Careful doing that in the future, I didn’t taste her on you and I don’t want to.”


“I made sure you wouldn’t,” you said, making it a promise.


Sabrina slapped your ass as you turned to head back to the bedroom, making you pause and glare at her as she grinned, scrunching up her nose.


When you opened the bedroom door and stepped back in, closing it behind you, Emma gave you a deeply guilty look as she closed her thighs around her hand where it was working a finger in and out of her pussy. But she didn’t pull her hand away.


You sighed, shaking your head, and didn’t go to her like she seemed to think you would. Instead crossed the foot of the bed and opened a bottom drawer in the dresser, searching around as you let the various toys in Sabrina’s collection clank together. When you came up you were holding a pair of leather, snap-closed cuffs connected by a little steel loop chain.


“I’m disappointed, Emma,” you said, putting on a Dom voice again. “I’m not mad, just disappointed.”


“I’m sorry, Sir,” Emma said as you came around the bed, finally pulling her hand from her crotch. But then she sucked on her finger deliberately, tasting herself.


“I thought we were making progress,” you sighed, shaking your head. She let you take her hand and you put the cuff on her wrist, taking a moment to silently demonstrate to her that with enough force she could pop the snap in an emergency. Then you raised her arm over her head and looped the short chain around a post on the headboard, brought her other arm up and fastened the other cuff. “Bratty girls lose hand privileges,” you finally said. “Now how are you going to play with that pretty little pussy?”


“Will you please play with my pretty little pussy, Sir?” she asked, biting her lip.


You let out another dramatic sigh as she spread her legs wide, begging to be fucked.

Chapter 618


“There,” you said, handing Emma her phone.


She looked at the picture you’d just taken and groaned in her chest, licking her lips. “Fuck, I can’t post that.”


“Probably not for a while,” you chuckled.


The picture was her flushed, well-fucked cunt with your pearly white cum oozing out of her. That definitely didn’t fit into the next couple months of content planning. Creampies were a valuable escalation piece for content, especially if she billed it as her ‘first one’ even if it wasn’t true.


“You probably should have come on my stomach or back,” Emma said with a breathy chuckle, her eyes still glued to her phone. “That would have been usable.”


Your answer was to shift forward, the back of her thighs pressing against the front of yours, and you pushed your mostly-hard cock back into her. The extra lube of your cum made her slick as hell and she gulped and dropped her phone onto her chest as you bottomed out in her, then pulled all the way out.


“Jesus, John,” Emma gasped.


You pushed into her again, though this time the wet sound of a queef rippled out of her as some air pushed out of her gapey, sucking pussy from the pressure. The look on her face - horror, embarrassment, wanting to curl up and die - made you bite your laugh and lean forward to kiss her instead.


“It’s nothing,” you told her in between kisses. “It happens all the time.”


“Oh my God, my pussy farted,” she groaned, still embarrassed.


“It’s seriously OK,” you murmured, kissing her again before pulling back and running your fingers through her hair. “Especially after you’re already full of cum.”


“What are you trying to do, make sure I don’t lose any of it?” Emma asked, her expression slowly slipping back to her stoic standard as she raised an eyebrow and put a hand on my hip, asking me not to pull out of her again.


“No, or not specifically,” you smirked. “You just have a very pretty pussy, and we’ve got to call it quits but I wanted to feel you again.”


She groaned, her brow furrowing a little.


“I know,” you smirked.


“You realise that this isn’t fair,” she said. “You take my virginity-”


“Got tricked into that,” you murmured.


“-stole it. Ripped it away,” she smirked and teased. “And then you made me your little subby pet-”


“You’re not a pet,” you interrupted again.


“-your little bratty fucktoy-”


“Better,” you chuckled, making her smile a little.


“And now I have to go back to my old life for a whole week and a half before I move to college. That’s a whole week where I’m going to have to fantasize about my sister’s boyfriend’s cock fucking me like the little fucktoy cumslut sex pet I am.”


“Still not a pet,” you sighed, grinding your cock in her and dropping your lips to kiss her neck.


“Mark me,” she asked you softly. “Like you do Sabrina?”


You growled softly and kissed her again.


“Please, Sir?”


You took your lips from her neck and sighed, putting your forehead on hers and looking down into her eyes. “Emma, honey, if I gave you a hickey on your neck, what exactly would your parents' reaction be when they saw it as you come home from a weekend staying with Sabrina?”


That made Emma smirk and snort. “Yeah, that would be bad,” she said. Then she ran her fingers over her chest. “What about here?”


Now you sighed again and shook your head. “I think, for now, we shouldn’t do that,” you said. “Not because you aren’t a good, sexy little sub. Just because it’s something we should talk with Sabrina and Gemma about. OK?”


She pursed her lips and let out an annoyed breath through her nose, but nodded.


You finally pulled out of her and gave her one last kiss before you separated, but as she climbed off the bed your eyes followed her cute little butt and you sighed, grabbing her hand and spinning her as you knelt on the edge of the mattress. She let you pull her in and kiss her again, and she pressed her chest to yours and breathed deeply before you pulled back and ran a thumb over the edge of her jaw.


“Are you done, or do you want one more task?”


“I want one more task,” she said immediately.


“Clean your mess,” you ordered her.


She glanced down at your cummy cock and grinned, then dropped to her knees and got her mouth on it, starting to lick you clean.


- - - - -


Sabrina groaned, long and loud, as she hugged Emma tightly. “Oh my Gawd,” she said. “It was so good seeing you, sis.”


“You too, Sabrina,” Emma said, hugging her back. “And… thanks.”


“You’re welcome,” Sabrina said, giving her another squeeze and kissing her sister on the cheek. It was still just a little funny that Emma had gotten taller than Sabrina and Katherine despite being the younger sister.


Your girlfriend waved you in and you wrapped them both up in a hug, and Emma pivoted a little to get her arm around you as well.


“Sorry for being a sneaky cunt,” she said quietly, looking up at you. “You didn’t steal my virginity, John. I tricked you into letting me give it to you.”


“I know, Emma,” you said. “Even if it was weird and wild, thanks for trusting me with that. I hope it’s a decision you’ll remember fondly.”


“Very fondly,” she smirked, just a little. “Sir.”


“What. A. Slut,” Sabrina snickered softly.


You were on the platform at the train station, her train already waiting as folks were boarding. Sabrina fussed over Emma a bit, making sure she had everything, making sure she would remember to pack stuff she would need for her first year at University. And then they were whispering and snickering some more, glancing at you, and you knew they were planning something.


And then they hugged, and Emma came and hugged you again, and then she boarded the train.


“What was that last bit?” you asked Sabrina as you took her hand and the two of you started walking back out of the station.


“Nothing,” Sabrina said with a smirk, knowing full well that you knew it was something.


“This is payback, isn’t it?” you sighed.


“What’s the Tommy story?”


You shrugged and made a zip motion over your lips, making Sabrina guffaw and yank on your arm. “Tell meeee.”

Chapter 619


“Gemma wants to know,” Sabrina mumbled around the bagel half hanging out of her mouth.


You smiled around your own mouthful of bagel as you tried to make sure you weren’t spraying the Everything seeds around the city bus. Once you’d managed to swallow you chuckled. “I know, I’m getting the same texts, baby.”


“Yes, but I’m reinforcing them,” Sabrina smirked before popping her last bite into her mouth. You were both dressed up for work and you handed her a napkin so she could wipe the melty butter grease from her fingers before it got on her cute red business dress. “I’m also reinforcing that now you’re making her sleep on it too. Which makes this cruel and unusual torture on two separate continents.”


You snorted, covering your mouth as you rolled your eyes.


“If you tell me, I’ll suck your dick,” Sabrina offered.


“Sabrina, my darling girlfriend, you already did that this morning,” you reminded her.


“Yes, but what about second blowjobs?” Sabrina asked, putting on a God-awful ‘hobbit voice.’


- - - - -


“Eric, make John tell me his secret,” Sabrina sighed.


“Wha’?” Eric mumbled. He’d just entered the Intern conference room, looking down at his phone. You and Sabrina had handled the morning coffee order together before coming in so he’d only needed to get there on time instead of early.


“John’s got a secret he won’t tell me and I’m going to die if he doesn’t spill,” Sabrina grumbled dramatically.


You snorted and smirked, shaking your head. She was really playing it up now, and you weren’t sure if it was because she was working herself up into her own little bratty episode so she could reclaim her roleplay in the relationship and the two of you could get a little wild that night, or because she was using it as a distraction from all the melancholy stuff going on - Gemma being gone, your last week of the internship, Emma’s visit being over.


“How am I supposed to get him to tell you?” Eric asked as he walked around her and slumped into his seat at the conference table, setting his phone down.


“Beat him up or something,” Sabrina waved at you. 


Eric lifted a loosely held fist and shook it. “Argh, I’ll beat you up if you don’t tell her… whatever,” he deadpanned.


“Sorry, baby, didn’t work,” you chuckled and said to Sabrina.


“I tried,” Eric told her.


“What’s up, Eric?” you asked. “You seem…”


“Worn out,” Sabrina finished for you, her attention finally diverted as she leaned forward and narrowed her eyes. “How was your weekend?”


Erica cleared her throat and actually blushed a little. “Uh, it was… good…”


“Eric,” Sabrina scoffed. “You didn’t!”


“I didn’t, I swear,” Eric said, holding up his hands. “Wait, what did I not do?”


“The crazy chick?” Sabrina asked.


“No. Nonono,” Eric shook his head.


“Lucy?” you asked dubiously.


“Definitely not,” he said.


You and Sabrina glanced at each other at the same time. “Killjoy?” Sabrina asked cautiously.


“Ew, no, God,” Eric said. “No. I… spent the weekend with Beth though.”


Sabrina started to grin a little lasciviously. “All weekend?”


Eric cleared his throat, running a finger along the inside collar of his shirt. “Uh…”


“You dawg,” Sabrina chuckled.


“It sounds like you had a great weekend,” you grinned, happy for him.


Eric’s smile was silly and beaming. “I really did,” he said. “It was a little stressful though. We were ducking, like, a lot of calls. Her roommate was calling both of us, I assume for different reasons. Joy was calling Beth multiple times a night too, wanting her to go out. One time when Beth actually answered she suggested they call me again for another threesome if that’s what Beth wanted, but Beth dodged going out with her so that didn’t have to happen.”


“So you had a weekend of sex, where, at your place?” Sabrina asked.


“Pretty much. We, uh, burned through an entire 12-pack of condoms,” he blushed again.


“Nice, putting in the work. I like this girl,” Sabrina chuckled. “Though she could use better friends.”


“Yeah, well, there’s a problem. I like her too,” Eric said, wincing a little. “And I might have fucked it up.”


“Oh, Eric,” you groaned softly.


“What did you do?” Sabrina sighed.


“On Friday night I… kind of reminded her that I’m leaving this next weekend, and suggested we might want to keep it casual,” Eric said. “But then she slept over. Twice. And, like, waking up to a gorgeous naked girl walking around my apartment making me breakfast is fucking amazing? And she’s super chill and it turns out she’s ambitious because she’s working while doing her Masters in Anthropology part-time. And the sex was like…”


“Eric’s falling in love,” Sabrina grinned over at me.


“Whoa, whoa, it’s too early for that,” Eric said, holding up his hands.


“I dunno, man. You kinda sound smitten,” you chuckled. “Even if it is a little complicated with her friends.”


“Yeah, OK, I’m smitten,” Eric sighed. Then he turned to Sabrina. “Please ‘Dating Coach’ me again. How do I fix the whole ‘casual’ thing? How do I tell her I’d kind of like to be less-than-casual?”


“I think you mean more-than-casual,” you pointed out.


“Whatever.”


“Alright, I’ll Dating Coach you some more,” Sabrina said. “But I’m going to need more details about what exactly you said, and how she responded. And what all happened on the weekend.”


You groaned. It was going to be a long morning listening to this.

Chapter 620


“John,” Gemma said. “Why are you doing this to me?”


You laughed, shaking your head as your heart thudded hard in your chest at hearing your girlfriend’s voice. It was just before lunch for you, which meant it was late for her, but she’d been texting you and Sabrina that whole morning keeping you updated as she was out with Birdie drinking with her Uni friends. She’d already sent a couple of pictures, and Sabrina had been keeping her informed of Eric’s new love life developments.


“What am I doing, love?” you asked her. “And God it’s good to hear your voice.”


“Oooh, it’s good to hear your voice too, love,” Gemma groaned. She’d already gotten home and was on her wifi, so the only time limit you had was how long you could hang out in the office stairwell without someone ‘catching’ you. “Fuck, I miss you.”


“I miss you too,” you sighed heavily.


“I miss your cock.”


“Gemma,” you chuckled.


“Well I do,” she laughed. “And your face. Fuck, I miss your face.”


“I’ll send you a picture when we’re done to prove it’s still here,” you said.


“Do it,” she sighed.


“Now, what am I doing to you?” you asked.


“Tell me what this Tommy thing is,” Gemma said. “How did this guy die? What’s his connection to Mosche? Why didn’t you know before now? Was it a secret, or just Mosche being Mosche? And while we’re on the topic of Mosche, how did he take you moving out? You told me he’s still with Iris but you didn’t give me all the details.”


You grinned to yourself, just listening to Gemma drunkenly ramble a bit. Her accent was stronger than when she’d left - probably from a combo of being back home and being tipsy.


“I’m going to find evidence for the Tommy thing and send it to you, love,” you said. “It was Mosche being Mosche and downplaying it, not thinking it was a big deal. Which was just as insane as the Tasha saga.”


“OK, but just tell me, and I promise I’ll not tell Sabrina,” Gemma said.


“Why do I feel like this is a double-cross mission you’ve been sent on by Sabrina?”


She giggled on the other end of the call. “Because it is. What if I send you a picture of my boobs? I just started my period and they look huge.


You groaned. Before your relationships with Gemma and Sabrina you hadn’t even known that was a thing that happened. Boobs getting bigger had always been tied in your mind to pregnancy - you hadn’t realised the hormonal waves women rode every month could do it too.


And Gemma’s period-time boobs were fucking bonkers.


She laughed again. “OK, fine. Don’t tell me. I’ll send you a pic anyway because I love you.”


“Love you too, love,” you sighed.


“What about Mosche and Iris?”


“Still going. Like I texted you, I gave him a bit of the riot act in being better at communicating with her. And I think she’s clued in a bit that he can be bad at that based on some of the looks she’s had on her face. But she’s also young and latching onto him to get out from under her parents, so I have no clue where it will go and I’m kind of just washing my hands of it now.”


Gemma sighed, and you could hear her moving around on her end of the call, imagining her lying on her bed. “That’s probably for the best, I just worry she’ll end up like Tash. But she’s been warned. How is Tash? I text with her but it’s hard to get her feeling.”


“Tasha was great when I saw her and Becks on Saturday,” you said.


“Are they hooking up yet?”


Your split second of hesitation thankfully went unnoticed, likely only because your girlfriend had been drinking. “Not that I know,” you chuckled. “We definitely had fun though.”


“Good,” Gemma sighed. “I’m glad she’s good. And that she still has you and Sabrina. And Becks, now. How are you feeling after the weekend? I seriously can’t believe Emma tricked you and Sabrina into losing her virginity like that. What a little sneak!”


“I’m doing fine, love,” you said. “She was a bit more… more than Sabrina in her likes. But I adapted, and the weekend ended up good. I’m just a little worried that it might be more than agreed in her head. It’s gonna be a talk, I think.”


“Mmm, OK,” Gemma said, her voice drifting a little. “I trust you.”


“Thanks, love,” you said.


“I’m sleepy.”


“I can tell,” you chuckled. “Thanks for calling me. I miss your everything.”


“I miss your everything too,” she mumbled. “Fuck, I need to sleep, love. It’s so fuckin’ late.”


“Goodnight, Gemma,” you said softly.


“‘Night, love,” she sighed. “But I’ll take a pic of m’ boobs first.”


You snorted softly and sent her a kiss through the phone, and she sent one back and hung up.


It took you a minute, alone in the stairwell, to get yourself right again. Happy you’d had a minute to talk to her, sad she wasn’t there.


Then the text came in and you couldn’t help but snort and grin. It was Gemma, in bed, wearing one of your sweaters but with it pulled up and showing her tits. It came with the message, ‘Love you, Love.’


God, you missed her.

Comments

I am patiently waiting for the next chapter.

AJ Head

from context I'm assuming it should be "Eric cleared his throat....."

expat953

Yeah, just read the first chapter and it´s really bad this time. Changed between you, me, i all the time.

Darkflint

AGH. I forgot to do my usual checking for 2nd PoV slips! Shit!

BreaktheBar

Erica cleared her throat and actually blushed a little. “Uh, it was… good…” who is Erica?

Bryan

Too many switches between referring to the narrator as "you" and "me"... its disorienting. Example: "She gave me a look as you moved out of the way"

Bryan

The whole keeping the Tommy thing under wraps idea has turned into phenomenal teasing and that slice of life stuff that's important to a longer story like this, you've don't yet again another 10/10 job BTB

ReadingRed

"I’m just a little worried that it might be more than agreed in her head" Yep - I can see that being a problem not too far down the track.

Graham Cairns


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