Codename: MILF Commison; First Half (Alpha draft)
Added 2022-11-22 21:42:58 +0000 UTCThe following section of story is just over
Comments
nice one you sure this is only going to be 2 parts seems you have set it up nicely for at least 4 or so. The slow build in this really works nice one!
Bruins Fan
2022-11-28 18:12:47 +0000 UTCBit of a slow build, but enjoyed nonetheless. Look forward to seeing what he does with her hedges
Rick Shaw
2022-11-25 23:26:08 +0000 UTCVery interested
Anthony Samora
2022-11-24 05:16:34 +0000 UTCJessica is more worldbuilding and work colleague than a specific interest. Sort of a character that Trevor can bounce off of a little and make him see what he's doing and not be in a bubble. I also laid the groundwork with her that more of the of-age Club Daughters are going to be coming to the Spa now that he's there, so he won't always be working with old folks and a couple MILFs. That being said, now that I type that out, it feels like setup for a longer story and that's not my intention, just my instinct, hahaha. Part of the editing process will likely trim some, but not all, to leave some seeds for a potential sequel but not derail or delay the story. Rachel (the other MILF) and Marissa are both going to serve specific purposes in the story so they are definitely staying, though some of Marissa's part here is going to be changed up in the next draft.
BreaktheBar
2022-11-24 03:58:47 +0000 UTCThis commission was originally talked about back in September, and I have another one on deck at the moment. I think I'll likely do a revision of how I do commissions and include it in the December update, so keep an eye out for that.
BreaktheBar
2022-11-24 03:52:44 +0000 UTCKnowing my plan for the back half, I think a sequel would work better than anything else. I appreciate the desire for more though!
BreaktheBar
2022-11-24 03:50:55 +0000 UTCLove the story, my question for you is this a one time story or the beginning of a longer tale? If it’s a one time story why the flirting with Jessica? Why ia he going after Marissa? Clearly we can see where this is heading with Rachel and Eden. But if this is one time story why two milfs? I love the story and woud love to see it grow into on ongoing tale? If it’s a one time story I think you need to focus on only one or two of the ladies. Just my thoughts and I have enjoyed all of your stories.
Smcrae5639
2022-11-23 22:17:56 +0000 UTCI really like the world building. It’s one of the things that makes your writing so good. That said, to fit this into your desired length I agree with the previous comments regarding cutting backstory. On a related note, how much do your commissions cost? Because I really like this one.
Kevin Matheny
2022-11-23 13:50:13 +0000 UTCI would love to see this as a long-running story, but based on your previous comment, that's not feasible. So maybe make it an episodic thing somewhere down the line.
SovietDegendays
2022-11-23 09:25:02 +0000 UTCThis is super valid! I'm currently so used to needing to add layers to build up future conflicts and make the world feel 'real,' and it's not necessary for this story. I was feeling it, but was unsure, which was why I wanted to post before I pushed through the next 10k words. There will definitely be a big edit!
BreaktheBar
2022-11-23 07:12:13 +0000 UTCI agree with both comments, particularly "harmonizing". Definitely feels like a lot of ground work for these other characters later. The first boss, then another. Maybe this comes naturally to you because you usually write novel or novella style, whereas this can be short story. I guess my suggestion would be to take out any backstory that doesn't have frontstory. And then only backstory that pertains to what's coming. Kind of foreshadowing in reverse. Or I could be full of it and talking or of my butt. I like the previous commenters am not a writer, sooo... Hope it was helpful.
Zeke NoScooter_8
2022-11-23 05:05:26 +0000 UTCYou've made some great points. One of the things I've found as I've taken on this story is the focus I put on trying to make things feel 'real' in the minutiae of the day to day stuff. That helps build out scenes, settings and characters in the longer works, but for a story like this I'm probably going to need to do some trimming to keep things a little tighter. That doesn't mean losing all of the little details and interactions, but a Beta draft will definitely see some of it getting streamlined.
BreaktheBar
2022-11-23 02:08:58 +0000 UTCAt the moment, I'm hoping that I'll be able to fit the whole story in to a long one-shot. The idea of doing a long series with the set up and characters is tempting but I can't fit it in to the writing schedule at the moment, and I could see it being similar to OFG in terms of the flow and pacing as Trevor works his was through various problems at the club. I think, overall, I need to practice tighter storytelling to get some of these ideas out even if it means we don't get to spend so much TIME with the characters. The trade off is we'll get satisfying endings, and maybe I can go back later to revisit with sequels.
BreaktheBar
2022-11-23 02:04:22 +0000 UTCI know you did this as a commission and you also have a lot of other longer stories, but I would enjoy having this as a full length story. Atleast eventually, it doesn't have to be anytime soon.
christopher dalessio
2022-11-23 01:26:00 +0000 UTCVery much enjoyed it, but I think you’re correct about the world building throwing off the pacing, if you want this to be quick. Certain things that you included made sense, but don’t have to be explained in a one-shot; why include the 1pm lunch break when the 12pm one was more interesting? Why explain in detail the steps he had to go through on his first day, when you could just introduce the important characters and leave his interaction with the spa manager as a brief summary? Why throw in details about other clients, we know it’s a country club for wealthy people, we don’t need details about their names and that they’re old and wealthy. Granted, I’m no writer, so I could just be missing the effects these things have on the reader, but it feels like there are several places that would be pretty convenient to skim from if you want a faster pace. also, the fact that they’re already written might be a reason to keep them in. It’s not like it makes the story worse, it’s just a different product, and the commissioner could very well feel the extra flavour adds to the value of what they bought.
Harmonizing
2022-11-22 22:19:57 +0000 UTC
