Post Chapter Seven - Malcolm

The lantern was dark.

When Malcolm woke, he didn’t quite know where he was. The edges of sleep were ragged against his mind, trying to drag him back down. He was comfortable. There was a down comforter across him and a warm body next to him. He reached out, placing an arm on a bare side, frowning a bit in his sleep. There normally wasn’t someone in his bed. He couldn’t remember the last time there had ever been.

With some effort, he blinked himself awake, looking at the sleeping form across from him. Lamplight was lying on their side, lips slightly parted in sleep.  It all came back to him then. The kiss. The slide of their bodies together. The way the lantern had grown hot and then quickly cold again. Malcolm smiled a little, his thumb drawing small circles across their skin. 

There had been a time that he had thought this would no longer be an option in his life. He assumed his days were to be spent alone. Love was not to be reciprocated. Malcolm was the unlucky son of a bitch in life that only had the opportunity once, and it had slipped away. 

It wasn’t that he thought he didn’t deserve love. Love for Malcolm just felt ragged. Uneven. Like a stone that was meant to be polished but hadn’t yet tumbled. That, and Malcolm was too angry to give himself over to anyone. The last time he had, it had crashed and burned, and the hurt had yet to go away.

But Lamplight was different.

He had been in love with them since before he even knew them.

That was the funny thing, really. And maybe that was why he had the views on love that he did. There had always been something missing. When he spoke to the lights above, it was the closest he had ever been to being seen.  Maybe love was just something he was supposed to wait for. Until his Lamplight came down and showed him what it was supposed to be.

“Mal?”

Lamplight shifted, their eyes fluttering open. 

“Did I wake you?”

“You’re staring at me. I could feel it before I opened my eyes.”

He laughed a little. “I just woke up. I haven’t been doing it for long. Don't worry.”

“Everything okay?”

He didn’t know how to answer that. It was. Of course it was. But it was so much different than before. Like he was finally back from the dead. There was purpose. ;And with purpose, life became far more terrifying. Because purpose meant that there was plenty to lose. Malcolm was always the person that someone lost before. But now, the situation was reversed, and it clutched at his heart.

“Everything’s fine,” he told them. “My brain is overactive.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Lamplight, I think you will come to find that the list of personal and emotional things I want to talk about is almost always zero. I just do it because I like playing the role of a mature adult.”

“I would like to say a mature adult is overrated, but I also don’t want you to keep things to yourself.”

He reached out, hand tangling in their hair. “I won’t keep things from you,” he said tenderly. “Believe me. I’ve worked hard on not being emotionally constipated.”

“So what’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. I’m just thinking. About love. About us. I– did you feel something tonight? Other than the obvious.”

“I’m kind of consumed by the obvious.”

“I’m okay with that. Means I did good.” Rolling closer, he sighed, pulling them onto his chest. “I’ve never been that keen on sex,” he said. “It’s not that I don’t like it, it's just that there has been a lot tied up in it.”

“Why?”

“Trans,” he said with a shrug. “Unfortunately, my sexual awakening was right around the time of my transition.”

“Did we do something wrong tonight?”

“No,” he assured. “No. Not at all. I just, I felt good tonight. It felt right. And it hasn't always felt like that. And there’s some emotion mixed up there. I’m sad I’ve never felt that before and, at the same time, glad that it was with you alone. I of course have the romantic notion that I was just waiting for you this entire time.”

When Lamplight reached out, pushing the curled locks from his face, he leaned into the touch. “I like your romantic notions.”

“Do you?”

“Yes. You need to keep them. Makes me feel special.”  The two of them curled together, their legs intertwining. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Not tonight.”

“But will you?”

“Yeah. It’s probably necessary. I doubt this is going to be a one and done thing.”

“It better not. Come here.” Malcolm rolled onto them, resting against their chest. His hands came up to play, wandering around the skin.  “Say it again,” Lamplight requested.

Malcolm grinned. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”