carontearts

Absence

Added 2022-01-30 20:07:53 +0000 UTC

Hey, it’s been rough, sorry for the absence. I wasn’t sure if to share this but I feel like venting.

Christmas time was terrible for my mental wellbeing, I have never had a happy Christmas but this year was really rough. However, after getting rid of the “Christmas Spirit” I pushed myself to get back on my feet.

However, two weeks ago, I had a panic attack followed by an anxiety attack. For the first time my body, not my mind, said enough and I found myself frozen looking nowehere for, maybe 10 mins? My head was pulsating and I felt like puking.

I thought that venting with a friend would help and it did but, this time it went too hard on me. I turned airplane mode on and went to sleep early. Next day I tried to make as if nothing happened but my body said otherwise.

To prevent worse outcomes I went to the doctor, and I got some pills. They make me feel dumb and while it feels good to think less, it is clear that I don’t feel “myself”. This treatment is ending soon, if the doctor sees improvement but, this was a clear signal that I have to do something about certain things in my life.

My damn luck played against me, on Wednesday I had to turn my phone on again because I was reached by a friend who was concerned about no replies from my part, nor calls. Turns out that the only time I spent with a friend, their girlfriend had COVID, so I needed to be reachable. I thought to myself, well, now covid? I don’t care anymore. I didn’t get it though, so, thanks, I guess?

Work, my family, and this f**king pandemic. The first is stressing enough, the second is madness and the third is a constant pressure in the back of my head. I want to keep certain things private, however, the family situation is such a nonsense that I’d love to get into details if I could express how much pain it is bringing to me but even though, it’d be hard to piece it all together, it’s too much to take.

If you guys are still sticking around, I just want to say thank you. I’m not fully recovered and I’m taking it easy but if I can, I will read messages and draw.

- Caronte