Entry 1

free flowing thought experiment. thinking of means to connect beyond the physical nature of things. beyond the confines of the way they appear. the energetic process of connection, or trite misnomered words like "chemistry." what is the process of longevity in reality? the quantifiable thing that makes the effort worth the energy it's poured into? witnessing patterns that are actionable , observational, like evidence or the materials that are needed to perform an experiment. experimentation as a means to describe relationship dynamics. are we experimenting on each other? is that either good or bad, or simply neither? fulfillment as the end product, or connection or usefulness or love or...a combination or it all into something as close as an observable truth? Are feelings true? are feelings, something acquired by what may or may not be a reliable experimenter( tee) existence thus far, meant to garner some semblance of..? what? is that supposed to be truth? or aren't they indicators that something about this experiment is going according to the preconceived hypothesis? allowing the participants to be, without expectation that the outcome will be in your favor. allowing for your hypothesis to be fallible. learning from that failure instead of externalizing the failure or internalizing it to a degree that it becomes harmful, a fine line indeed. a boundary to the self between self growth and harm. often the desire to be the one wronged enters, but is that the case? what is the nuance of the situation? are you able to observe its critical components without assigning blame? she they it he was were crazy to blame me-, a shift imperceptible, I wasn't aware of it- came as a shock, really the shock is how poorly we express these feelings we deem to be indicators of truth. I feel rejected, it makes me withdraw, I feel used it makes me feel angry and withdraw, I feel abused and it makes me lash out...what happened to these simple words we choose to act out in a sort of experimental charades that are in actuality imperceptible gestures instead of vocalization? Am I supposed to intuit something not communicated because you believe your body language, silence, etc- (which the reason for theses behaviors is only knowable by you) is supposed to have meaning to the observer? what if all they are observing is your incapability? your immaturity, you inability to say simple words like, " I am mad." the hilarity of it. vulnerability of communication as a means, act of a defiance to the system of accepted emotional charades. perhaps a step towards that connection or longevity you so seek, or maybe you're just too intense hahaha. chill its not that serious. but wait, is that the person you want to draw and spend your life with? it's not that serious person? nuance, balance, sincerity, vulnerability all screams into the void of human nonsense