Lil Dee

Elopement

Added 2024-09-04 16:00:11 +0000 UTC

I shot my first elopement yesterday…while I like to think it went well, I have so much trauma I still need to work on and through. My social anxiety prevents me from seeing that I can be likeable, instead my mind tells me I am a big ball of cringe.

The couple and the photographer were all in their mid twenties, while I was feeling far too old in my early thirties. I felt the generational gap between us— and instead of focusing on shared laughter or how I fit in, my mind bullied me with insecurity of how I stuck out.

It translated many of my positive traits into negatives— it told me that I had an overwhelming need to be liked which is the only reason why I am kind, instead of having a healthy appreciation for my sincerity and genuine desire for connection, which also produces kindness.

I know ultimately, I did my job well. I recorded their day with all my experience of 10 years in the wedding industry, and they will be happy with the footage— but I can’t help feeling that socially I failed. That the product is more likable than I am— all these insecurities I will continue to work on and through.

I have come to the conclusion that I will use this platform in part to share, like a public journal. I hope these excerpts into my mind add a quality of depth into the person that I am, who I hope to be.

Maybe it’ll serve, maybe it won’t. Regardless it feels like a release, and almost an accountability to continue to do the work to become a more secure individual, a perpetual work in progress.