My New Normal Chapter 4

I was scanning the park for kids I might recognize. I didn't see anyone I knew. I was about as good at Tai-Chi as I was at Yoga or Tennis. It was at a much slower pace than I thought it would be. After Tai-Chi we went back to her apartment. We packed up my things.

Charlene drove me home. She insisted on talking with my mother about my breakthrough! As she called it. I considered it a nervous breakdown. I really didn't want to go through it again. I already convinced myself months ago that my Mom didn't care enough to listen. She didn't want to hear the truth before. I kept wondering why this time would be any different.

Charlene and I walked into the house. My mother rushed to hug me. Mom hugged me tightly. It felt different than before. I wasn't sure if I liked it. I wasn't as affectionate towards my mother as she was towards me.

Something was different about the house. It smelled different, it felt different. When you have been bullied as much as I have, you develop a keen sense of your surroundings. I wasn't sure what it was, but I knew something was wrong.

I was grateful Charlene was still there. The fact that she was still holding my hand was the only reason I didn't run outside. I stayed silent and kept my distance after my mother's hug.

My Mom could see my hesitation.

I made iced tea! My mom said.

I squeezed Charlene's hand.

I'd love one! Charlene said.

I looked at Charlene and she slightly smiled at me.

We sat at the kitchen table. My Mom poured us Iced tea.

How was your weekend? My Mom asked. Did you girls have fun?

We had a few laughs! Charlene said with a smile.

We went shopping for a tennis outfit. We played tennis for a couple of hours, and she did pretty well for her first time. We went to the California Pizza Kitchen for dinner. We went to my friend's gym. My friend taught her some basic self-defense. We just finished doing Tai-Chi in the park.

We had a lot of fun practicing with our hair and makeup. We did a lot of bonding! Charlene said.

I sat there smiling a little, inside myself I was angry and hurt. My Mom was smiling with approval. She was genuinely happy with Charlene and her report. I wanted to unload on my Mom about everything.

Charlene could feel my tension as I held her hand. She squeezed my hand softly and glanced at me with a friendly smile. I stayed quiet. I knew something else was coming. I had a really bad feeling about what was coming. I didn't have to wait long to find out.

I have a surprise for you, Donna! My Mom said.

Do you want to see it? She asked.

No! I thought to myself.

What is it? I asked.

Come with me! You too Charlene! My Mom said

Mom covered my eyes, and she led me to my room. Charlene had both her hands on my shoulders. I heard the door open. We took two steps inside my room.

Surprise! My Mom exclaimed.

I opened my eyes and almost collapsed!

My room, my personal safe space, my fortress of solitude was gone! Nothing from my room remained. I stood there in shock. I couldn't move; my mouth was wide open. My legs were frozen in place. I moved my head slowly looking around. The last remnants of Donnie were gone.

I knew I was in deep before, whatever hope I had of being Donnie was gone! Running in front of a bus started looking like a good idea again. Just when Charlene had me gaining some balance with everything.

My blood turned cold, my eyes went blank, and my face lost all color.

The walls were painted hot pink. The woodgrain moulding was painted white. The carpet was dark pink. My bed was brand new. It was bigger than my small single bed. The bedframe was white wood, the bed had a white lace skirt, and a white lace canopy. The sheets were hot pink, matching the walls. The pillows were hot pink and purple. Several new stuffed animals were arranged on the bed.

The furniture was all new. I had a new nightstand, dresser, desk, and makeup table. All White. All ordered from Xixini. If I were a girl, I'd love it. But I'm a boy, I said to myself. My closet doors were mirrors. The mirror on the makeup table had lights surrounding it.

Well? Donna? Do you like it? My mom asked.

No! I hate it! What did you do? Why are you doing this? What did I do to deserve more punishment? I get bullied and beaten at school! I lost my Dad, now I lost the last safe place in the world I had!

I broke down and started crying. I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I was in an angry rage. My whole world was destroyed. I had nothing now! No father, no mother, no identity.

5 days into my summer vacation I was in living hell! I'd opened myself up to an almost complete stranger. Somehow I thought she was on my side. I trusted her!

Now my mother has destroyed the one safe place I had. My whole world was turned upside down. Girls' clothes and dance classes I could take. But now I had no place to go! I was trapped in panties and a dress.

I started thinking about what to do! I couldn't go to a neighbor, how could I explain it? They would just spread the news and I would be more humiliated than ever, not that it could get much worse.

Donna! My mom said softly. Honey! Are you alright in there?

Leave me alone! I screamed. Better yet, just kill me! That's what's going to happen anyway!

Donna, please open the door, let's talk about this!

Go away! I screamed. Leave me alone!

Donna, sweetie! It was Charlene.

Please come out! We'll talk to your mother together! Please! We're a team now! Please! We can explain everything to her together.

She never bothered to listen before! She won't listen now. No one ever listened, except you! I screamed.

Donna, please come out, we can work this out! I promise I'll be right be right beside you! Charlene said.

No! I'm not coming out until she leaves! I screamed.

I had no intention of giving in to my mother's request. I had no idea what was going to happen next, but I knew I had to take a stand. Gosh, I need my dad!

Sweetheart! I'll make popcorn! My mom offered.

Eat it yourself! Go away! Leave me alone.

Sweetheart, you have to come out sometime!

What are you going to do if you don't? Break down the door and shove my head in the toilet! Beat me! You might as well! Go away!

You didn't listen to me before! You destroyed my room! I can't trust you! You don't love me, you don't care about me! Just leave me alone!

I was in the bathroom for almost two hours. I stopped talking to them altogether.

My mom destroyed what little I had. I ignored the one person I thought was a friend. My mind was spinning. I had a panic attack in the bathroom. I fell and hit my head on the sink and was knocked out.

It was almost 7 pm when I woke up in my girly bedroom. I was dressed in a pink nightgown. There was a bandage on my head. The lights were off but the door was open.

I could hear Charlene and Mom talking. My mom was actually listening to Charlene about the story I told her. My mom gasped a couple of times.

I pushed him too fast, Mom said as she cried softly.

I'm afraid so! Charlene said. He has a lot of feminine mannerisms that come naturally to girls. But he's a 9-year-old boy. He doesn't know anything else. He's been severely traumatized for months. He wants to kill himself!

He needs love and professional help. Charlene confirmed.

If he didn't before, he hates me now, my Mom said.

I doubt that! Said Charlene. But you did lose his trust. That's going to take a lot of work to regain. The one thing I can tell you for sure. He isn't lying about anything.

I'd recommend seeing Dr Marcia Ried. She's my instructor and board-certified Psychiatrist. She specializes in childhood trauma.

If he hurts himself, I'll die! He's all I have left! My mom said.

You have to watch him closely. He needs you! More than anything he needs your love and understanding. You need to ensure he knows that being Donna isn't a punishment, it's a new beginning.

My mom was crying when she hugged Charlene at the table.

I have to ask, how did you get him to open up to you? My Mom asked.

I listened! I made him feel safe and just listened. He broke down several times. Each time he opened up a little more. He didn't know what to do or ask for. I just listened and offered to help him. I shared my past experience with him. We bonded.

If you want your child's trust back, you are going to listen. He needs you more than ever. Charlene said.

Do you think I should let him return to Donnie? My mom asked.

I'm not a therapist, yet! Charlene said. I would consult with Dr Ried first. My opinion is that he likes being a girl. But he has so much anxiety about it. He harbors an extreme amount of fear of other children in his school. Especially Tommy Pippen!

I know the Pippens! They are nice people! My Mom said.

According to Donna, his son Tommy is the king bully in school.

After the way I saw him react to seeing Tommy in public, I believe him. He had a panic attack and cried for over an hour. No one reacts that way without a significant amount of physical and/or psychological trauma attached to it!

Donna feels like no one believes her. The teachers and principal all believe she provoked all the kids and their reactions. Donna is not a provoker. She is a soft sweet girl with a heart of gold. Donna is a girl at heart.

Donna is at peace dressed as a girl. Her mannerisms come out naturally without her realizing it. But that bedroom! It's over the top. She's in shock. What's worse is the progress we made over our weekend is gone.

Her wall is broken, but the trust you two shared is gone. Charlene said

What am I supposed to do now? My Mom asked. He starts. Dance classes tomorrow!

Have him start dance class. It will give him structure and exercise. You're going to have to stand behind decisions. But you can't push him anymore. He's at his limit.

Thanks Charlene! I owe you big time! My Mom said.

I listened as the door opened and closed. I snuck back into my room and bed. I pretended I was sleeping. I heard my Mom coming down the hall. I laid down on my side with my back to the door.

I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, Donnie. My mom said softly. My mom closed my door. Soon I was asleep.

The next morning, Mom was in my room getting my clothes and dance outfit ready.

Donna, breakfast is ready!

Okay. I said.

I walked into the kitchen. Blueberry yogurt, toast, and tea. I didn't say anything. I ate breakfast quietly. I went to the bathroom and started getting ready. I got dressed in another sundress and my sports bra, gaff, and panties. I packed my black and pink dance bag with a leotard, tights, and dance shoes.

My mom noticed my silence. She tried talking to me. I kept my answers short. Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. I could tell my Mom felt guilty. I wanted her to feel really guilty! I figured if she felt guilty enough, she would change her mind about Donna and dance classes.,

Good morning Donna!

Good morning Mistress Miller! I said.

Are you ready to get to work?

Yes Mistress! I said trying to sound positive. I was praying no one would recognize me or figure out I was a boy.

I'll be back in two hours to pick you up for lunch between classes! Mom said.

I love you sweetheart! Mom said kissing my cheek.

I just froze up, I didn't offer a hug in return like I normally did.

Bye Mom! I said softly.

Mistress Miller led my into the changing area. I was assigned a cubby with my name on it. There were several girls already changing into their leotards and tights. I was careful when I changed into my leotard and tights.

You want some help?

Please! I'm Donna!

I'm Amy! Nice to meet you!

You too! I said.

Is this your first ballet class? Amy asked.

Yes, my Mom wanted me to have an activity this summer. I'm starting Tap class tomorrow too! I said.

I'm in tap class too! Amy exclaimed.

I smiled! I liked Amy. She was very pretty. She had long blonde hair and dark brown eyes. She had the face of an angel and a voice to match.

They're were twelve of us in class together.

Mistress Miller started us with stretching out. I realized mom was right about yoga class. I think I was the least graceful person in class. I tried my best and stayed quiet. Mistress Miller was constantly correcting me.

She didn't humiliate me, thank goodness. A few girls giggled at me. Mistress Miller put a stop to their giggling immediately. I was grateful. Amy never did. Amy softly encouraged me.

I kept trying as hard as I could. As difficult as it was, Mistress Miller was really nice to me.

It's Okay Donna! Keep at it, concentrate, move slow. Mistress Miller instructed.

We practiced for two hours. We finally finished up. We started stretching out at the end. The stretching was easier for me than the dance practice.

My Mom was waiting when I finished changing.

Come on Donna, I'll take you to Starbucks! Mom said.

I'll see you at this afternoon Donna! Mistress Miller said.

Are you taking two classes a day? Amy asked.

Yes, Mistress Miller said it would help get me catch up to the rest of the class. I said.

Mom! Can I go to the afternoon class? Amy asked.

I don't know sweetheart! I can't afford two a day classes for you.

Lynn! I'll make you a deal, if you keep it a secret.

What are you proposing? Ms Miller? Lynn (Amy's Mom) asked.

If Amy agrees to help Donna with her dance practice. I'll let Amy attend the second class for free!

Deal! Lynn said.

Amy would you like to go to Starbucks with my mom and me? I asked.

Mom, is it okay if I to Starbucks?

I don't see why not. Do you have any money?

I have some. Amy said.

It's my treat, Lynn! My mom said.

Let me grab my purse! Amy said.

Just like that, I made a new friend. My Mom didn't like me inviting Amy to Starbucks. But I didn't care. I knew she wanted to be alone with me to talk Right now, the last thing I wanted was to be alone with my mother.

We ordered frozen Hot Chocolates and my Mom had a cappuccino.

Amy was really nice, she explained to me about the little tricks she used and how to position my arms and legs to make the movements more graceful. For someone my age she knew a lot about ballet. I really liked Amy , the way she looked at me, her smile, the way talked to me. She felt like an Angel to me.

My Mom tried to interrupt her a few times. But my mother saw me listening to her. She watched as we talked. My mother stayed silent. I thought thank goodness for small favors.

We went nextdoor to the deli and had small salad for lunch. Amy and I talked about everything, music, TV shows, our favorite superheros. I learned Amy was Star Wars fan just like me. We both like Ahsoka.

Mom was getting a little upset with me because she couldn't get a word in edgewise. I was smiling and giggling like Amy the whole time. I started adopting some of Amy's mannerisms. My Mom was smiling, behind that smile I knew she was angry. I was hoping she felt guilty too!

Mom took us back to the studio early.

I have to check on laundry and start on dinner, she said.

Bye mommy! I love you! I said pouring it thick. I didn't mean it! I hugged her like Amy hugged her mom. My mom smiled with a slight look of shock.

I love you too sweetheart! Mom said.

Amy and I changed into our leotards and tights. This time I tied my dance shoes correctly. Amy and I started stretching out early.

Amy walked me through the basic steps for about 20 minutes before the second class showed up.

Mistress Miller went through the same exact routine again. I did a lot better than I did in the morning class. I was still a bit rough but it was better. Mistress Miller was happy. I actually had a little fun this time.

Mom picked me right on time. I hugged Amy goodbye and thanked her for her help today. My Mom thanked Lynn for letting Amy spend time with us. Mom took us home.

Mom baked Chicken Breasts with spinach and cottage cheese.

Thank you, this smells great I said.

I'm glad you like it! Mom said trying to sound happy that I said more than three words.

Amy seems very nice. It's great to see you made a friend! Mom said.

I like her! I said. Amy is very helpful. She helped me with my shoes and movements and positions. Amy was big help! I said. I was trying to rub it in. I was still mad at my mother.

The one thing did change between last night and today. Instead of killing myself, I decided to make my Mom feel guilty. I wasn't going to give her the silent treatment. I decided to only tell her what I wanted her to know.

That also meant I couldn't talk to Charlene anymore. Because I knew she'd tell my mom everything. I wasn't sure how this was going to work, but I knew if they wouldn't listen before, they couldn't be trusted. If I'm getting punished or sent to school as a girl or military school, I knew I had nothing to lose!

For now I'd play along. But I decided to do something very girly. I'd start a secret diary.

I'm going to make popcorn! Would you like some? We can watch TV together! My mom said sweetly.

I'm really tired, I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning. I said.

Okay, G'night sweetheart! I love you.

I walked to my room without saying goodnight.

Love me! If she really loved me she would have listened to me months ago instead believing everyone else! Gosh I hate her!

I went upstairs and cleaned up. I wore a red nightgown she bought me with the matching panties. The warm feeling returned and calmed me down. I started writing in my Diary.

I started it from the day my father found out he was dying. I wrote by a small nightlight in wall socket of my room. It was almost 11 pm when I fell asleep.

Tuesday morning I went to Tap dancing class. Amy greeted me with a small hug. We stood next to each other. I did a little better in Tap class. Maybe because I was actually having a little fun with my friend Amy. I had that warm feeling through the entire class. I really liked the tap skirt I wore over my leotard and tights. I liked the tapping noise too.

Mom took Amy and I to lunch and Starbucks again. Amy and I talked over my mother again. My mom was smiling, but I could tell she was very upset. But she never acted angry. That made me smile.

The second Tap class was a little better. Mistress Miller was happy. I worked really hard for Mistress Miller she was always patient with me. With Amy beside me I felt more at ease with myself.

Great work girls! See you tomorrow or Thursday! She said.

You worked really hard Donna! I'm proud of you! Keep it up! Mistress Miller said.

I hugged her in front of my mom.

I haven't hugged my mother since I left for my weekend with Charlene.

Wednesday and Thursday were the same. I was getting a little better every practice. My mom was making health food, but it was at least it was hot food. I went to bed early every night. I didn't touch her popcorn. I was writing in my diary every night.

I would talk to my mom about dance class and Amy, but nothing else. She tried a couple times to get me to open up, but instead of lashing out, I just said it doesn't matter anymore, I'm okay!

I lied! It did matter, a lot but I wasn't about explain myself to her again. She had her chance. If my Dad was alive, none of this would have happened! But I didn't throw a fit. I refused to give her the satisfaction of breaking down again.

Friday morning I slept in until 9 am.

I woke up to the smell of bacon and French toast. No yogurt, Yay!

Mom laid out my girl jeans and my white sports bra and a white girls T-shirt. I had to wear the gaff and panties again. I wore white lace ankle socks and my white and pink sneakers. Mom drove us to the medical center.

She stopped at the doctor's office next to the hospital. The sign said Reid Therapy Center. We walked up to the reception desk together.

Can I help you? The receptionist asked.

We have an 11 o'clock with Doctor Reid.

Name? The receptionist asked.

Donna Sinclair. My mother said.

And you are? The receptionist asked.

Julie Sinclair, I'm her mother.

Very well! Here, fill this out and Doctor Reid will be you shortly. The receptionist handed my mom the clipboard and we sat down. 

I distanced myself from my mother. I sat one full seat away from my mom. I stay very quiet. I knew this doctor was different from the last therapist. My last therapist was an idiot! He wanted to talk about my early childhood. He always changed the subject when I tried to talk about my Dad and school. 

I was trying to think should I share with this new therapist or should I open up and unload it all. I knew this doctor would tell my mother everything. I figured Charlene already told her everything. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, I just hoped my mom wasn't going to be in the room.