My New Normal Chapter 3

Friday morning I awoke to someone moving around in my room. My Mom was getting clothes out of my drawers. She laid out another yoga outfit.

Come on! We have class this morning. Your breakfast is ready!

I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes as I walked into the kitchen. Like yesterday, blueberry yogurt, toast, tea, and a small glass of milk.

I ate it, still surprised by the breakfast, but I wasn't as shocked as yesterday. After I ate I started getting ready. I was still reluctant about the clothes and going to yoga class. The thought of seeing Charlene again was both pleasant and intimidating.

Mom laid out a light green top and pink leggings. I put on the gaff and panties. I started styling my hair when Mom walked in. She helped me touch it up.

Okay, honey, I want you to apply your eye brow pencil and lip gloss.

Mom talked me through it.

Not bad! She said with a supportive smile. Let's go!

My mom started coaching me on everything I did and how to do it.

When you get in a car, sit butt first, swing your legs, and cross them. Hands in your lap. She coached me on everything, how to walk, how to talk. How to use my arms and hands. It was mentally exhausting!

Again, just like before, I was in the front row with my Mom and Charlene on each side of me.

Julie coached me through class again. I was blushing the whole time. I felt foolish, not as bad as yesterday, but it still felt wrong. The warm feeling of my outfit was giving me the strength to endure it.

After class, Mom took Charlene and me for coffee again. I wasn't paying attention to their conversation, I was trying to disappear. I just wanted to go home. That's when I heard it.

I'll pick you up this afternoon at 2, Donna! Charlene said with music in her voice.

Okay! I said. It was all I could say. It can't get much worse, I thought to myself.

Charlene hugged me and kissed my cheek. I'll see you soon sweetie! She smiled happily.

When we got home, I was given another bath. Mom made salads for lunch. We started packing up my things. Leggings, a leotard, a couple of skirts, blouses, and t-shirts. Mom grabbed two gaffs and panties. She packed my new flats and my makeup.

Mom, do I really need all of this? I'm only staying two nights.

A girl has to be prepared for anything, darling! I want you to have fun this weekend!

If you say so. I said in a voice of defeat.

Cheer up! Charlene has a wonderful time planned for you both!

I can't wait! I said in my defeated voice.

1:59 pm Charlene drove into the driveway. She was dressed in a very cute white T-shirt and tennis skirt. She was beautiful! How she always looked so perfect all the time, I'll never know.

Are you ready, Donna?

She's ready! Take good care of my daughter! Mom said. I saw my Mom stuff something in Charlene's purse.

No problem Rachel! We're going to have a lot of fun! Come on, little sister!

My Weekend with Charlene

Charlene drove a white Camaro with red stripes. It looked like something out of my Hot Wheels© collection. She was driving towards the mall.

What are we doing here? I asked in a worried voice.

We need to get you a tennis outfit!

Tennis! But I don't play tennis! I was getting very worried.

Don't worry so much! I'll teach you! I was the regional girls' singles champion in high school! You're going to love it!

Can I get shorts?

A short skirt, yes! Girls don't wear shorts, not while playing tennis!

But I'm not a girl! I said, try to regain a little humility.

Donna, you are a girl, and a very cute one too! Look in the mirror! She said.

She flipped down the makeup mirror on the sun visor. Take a look, Donna. What do you see?

Me! Dressed up like a girl!

Perhaps! But you aren't seeing it yet. She said.

What am I missing? I asked.

Look at your facial expressions, the way you move, that slight smile you make when you move and walk.

Mom's been coaching me for the last couple of days. I said.

Ohh, sweetie! Those mannerisms of yours can't be coached! Every girl makes those expressions subconsciously! She said.

Sub, What? I asked.

Subconscious. is a natural movement or action you make without thinking. It's your mind and body doing what comes naturally. It's nothing to be afraid of.

Great! I thought to myself. I'm acting like a girl without thinking! What's next! Kissing a boy? Yuck! I thought to myself.

She parked right in front of the store. She held my hand as we walked inside. Charlene took us right to the girls' section.

How can I help you today? The salesgirl asked.

My little sister needs a tennis outfit or two! Charlene said.

She's so cute! I love your hair! She said smiling at me.

What's your dress size? She asked.

She checked my dress size with the tag on the back of my summer dress.

Let's see what we have! She said. I was led to the junior section.

I tried on a couple of tennis shirts they fit tight around my chest and stopped just above my waist. The skirts were pleated and shorter than my old Bermuda shorts. Charlene disappeared for a moment and came back with several sports bras. I almost shivered in fear.

I tried everything on. I wanted to throw a fit! But I knew if I did, I'd be shipped off to military school. I also didn't want the added attention.

In the end, I wound up with two white pleated tennis skirts, three tennis shirts, and three sports bras. All White, pink, and purple. Charlene also got me socks to match the shirts.

Charlene had me dress in the purple sports bra and matching shirt with the tennis skirt. I noticed small pads in a sports bra.

When I came out Charlene was smiling.

The salesgirl was smiling.

She's a doll! The salesgirl said.

That's my little sister! 100% doll! Charlene said.

Can I put my clothes on? I asked.

No time sweetheart! We have a court time reserved! Charlene said.

I noticed Charlene paid cash. I felt so exposed, my shirt barely covered the top of my body, and my legs were on full display.

We were just putting my stuff in the car when I saw Tommy Pippen walking towards the store with his dad. They were staring at Charlene. I ducked behind Charlene and worked my way around the other side of the car. I got in the car and sat low in the seat.

Charlene got in the car and I was shaking.

What's wrong Donna?

Besides wearing a girls' tennis skirt? I said in a snarky manner.

Okay..... Charlene paused for a moment.

Yes, besides that! She said flatly.

See that boy in the red T-shirt! The one with his. Dad!

I see him! Charlene sounded concerned.

That's Tommy Pippen! He's the biggest bully in my school! He humiliated me all year in school!

It couldn't be that bad! Charlene said.

He shoved food in my face, dumped milk in my crotch, and tripped me all the time. He even threw my coat in the urinal and peed on it. Once he started bullying me everyone got in on it.

That's terrible! Why didn't you tell someone?

I tried! A couple of times! But it only made things worse.

You poor girl! No one should have to go through that. Did you tell your mom?

I tried at first, but it just made things worse!

Is that why you didn't sign up for any summer activities?

Yes, I'm safer by staying away from everyone! It was easier not to talk or say anything to anyone, my Mom included!

I can help you, if you want me to?

Dressing like a girl is only going to make things worse if they catch me!

Maybe! But I know a few things! I can teach you them! Charlene sounded caring and confident. I actually felt a little better, but not much.

We went to the local college. Charlene grabbed a big tennis bag out of the trunk. She held my hand and smiled. It's going to be alright Donna. Trust me!

Charlene started teaching me how to play tennis. I was as bad at tennis as I was at yoga.

Charlene never raised her voice. She walked me through serving and how to volley back and forth. She took it easy on me. After two hours of tennis practice, I was exhausted.

I was thankful I didn't see anyone I knew. We went to her apartment. She let me shower first. After our showers were finished she started styling my hair.

You have such beautiful hair! Can I try something?

Sure, I guess. I said.

Charlene let me watch in the mirror as she made my pixie cut spikey. I looked like a middle school girl! She put some foundation on my face and added blush. She brushed my lashes with mascara and applied soft pink lipstick to my lips.

My questioning look said it all, "This is so wrong!" But that warm feeling returned and I started to relax and enjoy it. I shouldn't have been smiling, but I couldn't help it. I was having fun for the first time in a very long time. Every time I thought this was wrong, that warm feeling crushed the thought.

She had me change into a denim mini skirt and a pink button blouse. She had me wear the pink sports bra and black flats.

Come on! I'm hungry! Let's get a pizza!

Now you're talking! I thought to myself. Real food!

Charlene took me to the California Pizza Kitchen. When we walked into the restaurant, it smelled wonderful. I was looking forward to anything with pepperoni or sausage, like my Dad and I would share.

We ordered a BBQ Chicken pizza. I was a little worried about chicken and BBQ sauce on a pizza. Charlene saw my questioning look.

Don't worry! You'll love it! This is my cheat day! She said.

What's a cheat day? I asked.

That's a day you can eat anything y, ou want. The rest of the time you maintain your diet.

The pizza came out, it looked great, and tasted really good!

Just over halfway through dinner, I looked up and there was Tommy, his older brother, and his parents. I did everything I could to stay hidden. While I loved spending time with Charlene, her beauty was drawing a lot of attention.

I saw the waitress walking them towards us. I started getting very scared.

"I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead!" I kept thinking. Charlene saw my fear then she saw them. Charlene looked at me with her eyes and glanced down at the floor. As they got closer I bent down towards the floor like I was trying to pick something up. It was trick I, used in school to hide.

They walked past us and sat in booth. Tommy and his brother were facing away from us. The next thing I heard was Check, please!

Charlene asked for the check. I boxed up the leftovers. She paid and left cash for the tip.

I was having half a panic attack by the time we got to the car.

I was breathing heavily as I sat in the car.

Donna, Donna.... Charlene said softly. It's okay sweetheart! You're safe! Everything is okay, now! You're safe, darling.

Can we just go! Please! I exclaimed. Please Charlene! I was in tears.

Charlene started the car. I heard the rumble of engine made my heart started to slow down just a little. I was in tears all the way back to the apartment. Charlene held my hand all the way home.

We walked into the apartment. I ran into the bedroom, curled up with a pillow in fetal position and continued to cry and shake. I was curled up in fear and depression. It felt 100 times worse than anything I ever experienced before. I cried for what seemed like forever.

Donna, can I come in? Charlene asked softly.

I didn't answer.

Should I call your mother? Charlene asked with concern.

No, no, please don't call her! I begged.

Can I come in?

I slightly nodded my head.

Do you want to talk about it? She asked softly.

I shook my head, no.

Charlene got in bed with me, fully clothed. She spooned me from behind and wrapped her arms around me tightly.

You're safe now! No one will harm you! Charlene whispered in my ear. I want to help, I can help you!

I don't know! I continued to cry.

To Charlene's credit, she didn't leave me alone in my misery. I must have cried for over an hour straight. She stroked my hair and spooned me tight like my mother did when I had a nightmare. Her scent, her voice, and embrace started having a calming effect on me.

As my crying and blubbering began end she just slid her fingers through my hair.

Talk to me, Donna! I promise I'll listen! Just talk to me!

My wall colaspsed. For the first time ever, I explained everything to the most beautiful woman I'd ever met. A person I met two days ago.

I started with how happy I was in the Christmas play and at the farm over Christmas. I explained about my Dad's diagnosis and how much it shook me up. My Grandparents dying soon after. How the kids at school started bullying me after my father died.

I explained in detail the relentless swirlys, tripping, food in the face, milk in my lap. Messing up my hair, and the beatings I took.The constant humiliation and name calling. Even the few friends I had abandoned me. I wasn't just alone, I was a target. The worst part was, I prayed for death every night when I got home. I must have talked for an hour.

Charlene never said a word. She kept me tightly spooned. It gave me a sense of security and safety I never thought possible. I started to feel that warm feeling, just a little bit, but it was there.

It's okay now! I won't let anyone hurt you! No one will hurt my little sister!

But I'm supposed to be a boy! I started crying again.

Not necessarily! Charlene said. She squeezed me tightly.

What do you mean?

Your heart defines who you are! Not your body. She said. Trust me! You are more powerful and special than you realize. You have the heart and soul of a girl! That's a good thing! Donna you can be whoever you want to be! Only you get to decide who you want to be and who you become!

I don't understand! I said.

For now, relax and get some sleep! Tomorrow we'll talk more. I have a couple ideas! Trust me!

Okay. I said in my sad and terrified state.

Charlene stroked my back and hair. It had the desired effect of calming me down. She was still spooning me when I fell asleep.

Saturday morning I woke up to the smell of bacon. Charlene had changed me into a nightshirt in the middle of the night. I went straight to the kitchen.

I made you a cup of tea! Charlene said in a perky manner.

What smells so good? I asked

Bacon! I'm making scrambled eggs too! I hope you are hungry!

Starving! I said. I was hoping my slight cheerfulness would avoid the subject of my breakdown of last night.

Good! Eat! We have a busy day today!

What are doing? I asked

You'll see soon enough! Eat! Charlene said with a smile.

After breakfast we drove to the next town about 15 miles away from from our so-called city. We parked in front of this woman's gym.

Charlene! Good to see you! Liz is in the back! She's all ready for you!

Thanks Mandy! Charlene said.

Morning Char!

Morning Liz!

Who is this? Liz asked.

This is my friend, Donna!

Liz is former Marine and woman's self-defense instructor! Charlene said.

Hello. I said softly.

Liz was slightly more muscular than the average woman. She had mousey brown hair and no makeup on. She was pretty but not nearly as beautiful as Charlene. She had nice smile , but she was also very intimidating.

Donna, Charlene tells me you have a bully problem!

Yes! I said with embarrassment.

Do be embarrassed! It's more common than you think. I help you! Liz said.

Really? I said with a small amount of hope..

Yes!

Let's get started! Liz said.

Liz led me through a half a dozen different defensive moves and a series of "counter strikes" as she called it. We ran through them for almost three hours. I had to practice over and over until it was almost second nature. I had to try and throw Liz to the ground, that wasn't very easy, she was strong as my Dad.

Nice work Donna! Come back next Saturday and we'll practice some more, Liz said.

I'd like that! I said.

If your mother can't bring you, I will! Charlene said.

I cracked a small smile. I liked the idea of spending time with Charlene.

After class, Charlene took me to McDonald's for lunch. I forgot how good their food was when it's still hot.

Charlene and I went back to the apartment. We each took a shower. Charlene and I practiced doing my hair. She showed me how to apply full makeup and eyeshadow and blush. Charlene showed me how to apply eye and lip liner. She showed me how use mascara correctly without clumping it.

We started giggling and laughing. I was actually having fun. That warm feeling returned. I enjoyed it. I liked how I looked and felt. I was smiling. I didn't want this weekend to end.

Charlene, ordered Chinese food for dinner. I forgot about the episode from the night before.

Donna, I'd like to talk to you about last night!

I really don't want to think about it. I said.

Donna, you have to talk about it. If you don't that anger and depression you're holding on to will only get worse if don't talk about it.

You don't know what it's like, I started to cry. I had to eat in the class room so the kids wouldn't throw food all over me! I couldn't use the bathroom between classes because I always was either be beaten or my head was getting shoved in a toilet.

Tommy almost drowned me! His friends helped hold my head in a toilet full of piss! I'll kill myself before I go back to that school! I said in tearful rage.

This whole time, I never told anyone the truth in detail. I started shaking uncontrollably.

I had a full blown panic attack right in front of Charlene. My walls colaspsed! I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop thinking about it! I made it through school without thinking about it.

Charlene poured me a glass of water. Charlene hugged me tightly. She pressed my face into the side of her warm ample breast. Her hug made me feel safe. She squeezed me firmly. It felt firm but gentle.

I didn't understand why I broke down. I couldn't figure out why she had such an effect on me. As painful and depressed as I was. I felt a certain amount of relief. I returned her hug, grateful she wasn't upset with me.

Donna, she said softly. Let out, let it all out! This isn't your fault. We can get through this! I will help you. Would you like me to help you?

Yes, please! Help me!

Let's finish eating, and I'll run a bath for you!

Okay! I said weakly. I wasn't going to argue.

Charlene started the bathtub. I took off my clothes and put on a oversized pink towel around my waist. The towel was so big I had to wrap around myself twice.

Donna, sweetie! Girls don't wrap towels around their waist! Let me help you!

Turn your back towards me. Charlene instructed.

Charlene took the towel off my waist and wrapped it under my arms. . She showed me how tuck it in the middle of my chest.

There! That's much better! Charlene said.

I watched as Charlene dumped milk and lemon juice in the bathtub. The water turned into a cloudy white fog that smelled like lemons.

Charlene left as I stepped into very warm water. The bathwater and scent of lemon relaxed me.

Charlene came back with a cup of tea for me.

Did you ever explain any of that to your mom or a teacher at school? Charlene asked.

No, not in detail. I answered.

Why? She asked.

Because no one wanted to listen. I would start to explain it and everyone would listen for 30 seconds and tune me out. No one cared. I think my mom stopped caring after a while. So I decided it was better for everyone if just went into hiding. The less I was seen the less things happened.

I'm not going back to that school next year! I'll walk out in front of a bus first.

Donna! Don't say that! Killing yourself won't solve the problem! Charlene said.

Maybe not, but I won't face anyone again. I said.

You can't think that way! She said.

What else is there? Almost no one there will talk to me. The boys all gang up on me. The teachers won't listen, the principal thinks I bring it on myself. I have no father to protect me or help me. I'm a dead man if I show up as Donna!

Donna, it's going to be alright! You need to trust me, trust your mother! She loves you!

If my mom loves me why wouldn't she listen or help me make others listen? I asked.

I'm not sure, Donna! I can tell you, if she had known about this, she would have done more. 

I know what you're going through! I wasn't the pretty girl you see today. 

I was bullied too! Not as bad as you, but pretty close.

Really? I said with surprise! 

How did you handle it? I asked. 

I was in seventh grade, I was cornered by two girls. I knew things were going to get really bad. I don't know where it came from but I was determined to get a piece of each of them. I fought like hell. I was able to land a couple punches on their faces. As soon as they realized I wanted blood, they left me alone. 

I used all my rage and hate to defend myself. It saved me, but it scared me too! Charlene looked a little upset as she explained herself.

I'm so sorry! I said. I had no idea! 

There's no way you would know!

Well it's too late for me now. I said. 

Nonsense! It's never too late to stick up for yourself. She said.

Charlene, he's bigger and stronger than I am. I said. Plus I'm always outnumbered! 

If you go after the biggest one and fight like your life depends on it, the others won't join in. No one wants to end up looking bad or explaining how they got a black eye. 

I guess I'm going to get the opportunity very soon dressed as a girl! I said.

Did ever consider, that deep down, you are a girl? Charlene asked. 

I never really thought about it! I said. As I soaked in the tub scrubbing my skin with her loofah. 

Charlene was smiling at me. She watched me carefully as I scrubbed my skin. 

Look at yourself! You wash your body just like a girl does! I didn't teach you that! 

I've always washed myself like this. 

Your mom didn't show you that? Charlene asked.

No. I said. 

Charlene had broke my resistance completely. We talked for over an hour before I got out. 

She showed me how pat myself dry. She grabbed my panties and gaff and turned around while I put them on. 

Charlene showed me how moisturize my skin. 

We played with our hair until I was exhausted. It was almost midnight before I fell asleep. 

Sunday morning, I woke up with my warm feeling and a little less weight on my shoulders than yesterday. I smelled coffee and something cooking. I walked into the kitchen wearing my pink nightgown. 

Morning sleepy head! Sleep well?

Actually I slept pretty good! I said. I sounded a little happier than I did yesterday. 

Great! After breakfast I thought we could walk through the park before I took you home. 

Okay.... I said with hesitation. 

Something wrong, Donna? 

The kids I go to school with hang out there! 

Maybe, but I doubt they'll recognize you. Charlene said. 

We put on leggings and leotards. 

Charlene made me do my hair in a spikey style. She added a little mascara and pale pink matte lipstick. 

We walked to the park and gathered with a group of people from my age to much older. 

What are we doing here? I asked. 

We're going to Tai-Chi! Charlene said. It's a Chinese exercise. It promotes, balance, focus and eye-hand coordination. It's a very slow paced exercise. You'll see! Charlene said.