January 2025 Newsletter: 2024 Review

Apologies for the slow start to 2025. Yesterday I looked at the date and said, “Oh yeah - I should probably write a newsletter, shouldn’t I?” While I leave this coming year a fresh page, undisturbed by any predictions of what it might bring, I’ll take a glance back at 2024 and see where I came from, and came to.

Last year saw me facing some truths about myself that I didn’t like, coming to terms with blind spots I had in how I was treating others. For years, working as a creative independent allowed me to escape continually into my own explorations, my own version of the truth. The best, and hardest, lesson I learned last year was that sometimes I have to take good advice to heart, even if it seems intolerable to my personal truth. I have to leave some room to believe that others might know something I don’t. After a lifetime clinging to my own intellect and brightness, it was a heavy comedown to learn this. But in taking the first steps to accept this wider narrative, I can see that I've already grown a lot.

Along the path of learning this, I had a pretty wide span of experiences and travels. I played with Jandek twice, once in Los Angeles, once in Portland. It’s always a spiritual experience to meet up with the “Coordinator” and his companion Sheila. At every show, they meet different musicians, and come up with a performance that is essentially completely improvised. Although we’ve only met three times, it’s easy to feel close to people you perform with in that way. Backstage, I heard stories of meditating with yogis in the 60s, recovering from post-Covid, and being stuck in the youth church choir as a kid (the Coordinator and I shared a distaste for singing in robes). 

In LA, I also visited Wei Mountain Temple, to meditate and hear dharma from Master YongHua, whose Youtube streams I have come to watch regularly. From him, I got a new definition of “wisdom”: “when you’re doing something wrong, and somebody tells you to stop it, you stop it.” I learned a lot from him this year, and I’m grateful to have his streams as a part of my learning curve for letting go of my baggage. Back at home, I developed a new love for St. John of the Cross and his writings, going through ‘Ascent of Mount Carmel’ and ‘The Dark Night’. I’m currently working my way through his commentary on the ‘Spiritual Canticle,’ which is my favorite yet.

I also explored more in engaging with the furry fandom, creating a new fursona and attending several cons. I was very grateful for the kindness and enthusiasm I received from so many souls as I did, but by the end of the year, it seemed my path was detouring farther away from this sort of engagement. After finishing work on our album, I took a big step back from internet stuff in general, feeling suddenly that my next year would be a lot easier if I were able to do so. I stopped using my computer for much outside of work and some chatting with friends, allowing myself mostly to idle in the place where I was, not trying to escape into screen-world. I’ve felt a big improvement in my life in the months I’ve been able to do so, and look forward to continuing to cultivate my real-life space.

Working with the band to create and finish the album was a real bright, warm spot. Earlier in my life, I was obsessed with making good albums - albums that people would obsess over, that would win fame, that would outlast other albums. Now the good I want to work with is goodness of the heart, a deep goodness that is not competitive or flashy, a goodness that I know doesn’t come from me, but that can be conveyed and shared when one’s heart is right. This album came out of enjoyment and creativity between band members, a confidence and easy trust with our engineer, John, and a willingness to let patience reign and slowly gather the best ideas together in a way that worked. I hope that the album speaks of this goodness to others, but even if it doesn’t, it was a success for me in working in a way that felt joyous and sustainable. That’s all you can really ask for from life.