December Livestream
Added 2024-12-19 23:49:04 +0000 UTCcome on in!
Comments
Thank you. This is very good advice. I am on a lot of medications and go to a lot of therapists and doctors. I just wanted to ask people who might have similar experiences to me, as people who gravitate towards Car Seat Headrest usually have similar problems. (Depression, Isolation, Self Hatred, Sexuality, etc). (You don’t have to respond to this, you already gave great advice) The only thing I’d say is that the ideal version of me is part of the self hatred. I’d like to be the opposite of me, or nothing. And some of the things can’t be changed, like sexuality, gender, inherent traits and interests I’ve demonstrated since I was four, autistic stuff, etc. I try not to think everything about me can’t change but I tried for two years to repress myself to the point of not moving, eating, drinking or talking. (Not for the entire two years). And all I got was my old, “bad” traits back, just with a much higher cost of bending to them. I flip between the idea that I should embrace myself slowly or just continue to attempt to change. Not to sound edgelord-y but the way I am now, I don’t think I’ll ever be understood by anyone. I don’t think I’ll even ever get a “friend” that isn’t some kind of queer, neurodivergent “quirky” person. And (no offence to like, 80% of the fan base) I don’t really want that. Obviously it’d be good to have some but they all remind me of my worst self too much, are usually way more flamboyant in their different-ness than me, and have so much pride that I feel kind of embarrassed. I dunno, I guess I genuinely am “torn between trying to be a better man and trying to accept the man I am”. But the best way to describe how I feel (cringe alert) is probably “When I die I won’t become a ghost, because I’ll have nowhere to haunt. Fuck this town and fuck my dirty hands, when you’re strange, if they like you, then they gotta be stranger. But they’re just strangers.” Anyways, thanks.
Alex
2024-12-29 09:01:58 +0000 UTCThank you. Neutrality is what I’ve been aiming for for a while. It’s very good advice. (You don’t have to respond to this, though you can if you want). I have an OCD thing where I need to punish myself for happiness/kindness to myself. So it does put an extra layer on things. If I allow myself to go unpunished for even one thing, I can’t stop thinking about it until it gets what it wants. I’m getting better at it though. The funniest part to all of this is I’ve got doctors and medication up to my ears but I thought someone who actually went through it might have some experience that leads to advice. (Especially with the sexuality stuff) I do love Car Seat though, and I hope it helps you as much as it helps me. One of my favourite happy lines, or, at least, lines that I consider happy is “I know there’s a full moon every night, it’s just not always bright/But it’s been so long since I saw the light, but maybe I haven’t been looking at the stars” and “I know there’s a full moon every night, when I dress black it snows white” from Maud Gone. Maybe it’s because of the soaring sax solo, but interpret the first bit as saying “The world can be beautiful, I’m just not ready to see it yet. But it is always there, unchanging. The moon is full every night” and the second bit as saying “I know there is support and goodness, and no matter how much I am in pain, there will be light. Even if I don’t want there to be. Even as I dress black, it will snow white.”
Alex
2024-12-29 08:43:42 +0000 UTCi have two particular reflections on what you talk about: the first is that you are a complex existence made of many layers of experiences and memories and beliefs - there are hateful parts and loving parts and neutral parts, too! if loving feels unreachable right now, how about neutrality? consider your feet. they are very helpful, perhaps a little ugly as far as body parts go. sometimes they’re sore, sometimes they’re not - do you feel very strongly either way? (i hope not haha, otherwise sub in some other part of yourself you feel more neutral towards…) perhaps you can gently direct your mind to feel similarly neutral about yourself? like feet, there are many states of You, and evidently there are parts of yourself that are loving - since you said yourself you love CSH! you don’t have to love your feet every moment of every day in order to not hate them - you just have to accept the multiplicity and embrace the neutral. perhaps you can extend that to yourself? you don’t have to love everything about yourself at every moment - embrace that there are many parts of yourself; some are frustrating, some are enjoyable, some are kind, some are selfish. this is how i personally manage struggling with self-hate… i try to float in the neutral in-between. the second reflection is that hateful parts of ourself have needs and often are desperate to feel seen and heard. i try to turn inwards, drawing on compassion, and sit with the hate and let it tantrum and cry and shout. i try to hear it out, being natural and accepting. for me, this could look like journaling from the perspective of the hate, or just imagining what it might be doing or saying. i thank the hateful part for expressing itself.. i don’t suppress it or tell it to shut up, i assure it that it’s allowed to shout and cry as much as it wants - the caveat is that i don’t necessarily take on the hate wants or agree with it. this can be really hard, and i try to make sure i have support if i find it hard to step away. the goal is to turn towards the hate, to have compassion for it and understand what it might want or need beneath the surface. then, when you feel the hate rise up, you may have some leverage to ease its pain and not be completely overwhelmed by it, or drawn towards hateful behaviour. does that make sense? when i feel overwhelmed by self-hate, i try to turn towards it with a non-judgemental gaze, and say, “i hear you, i see your pain. what do you need?” often, i find that the answer is connection, or acceptance, or kindness. and then i can try and seek those things out. truly, that’s just my own experience with dealing with chronic self-hate. i hope something here is relevant to your own experience!
Luka Buchanan
2024-12-22 03:54:17 +0000 UTCTo quote CSH, "And now I'm torn between trying to be a better man, and trying to accept the man I am." (Pressed comment too soon). I can relate to feeling like you hate yourself and not knowing how to change. Ultimately, I don't believe there's a true panacea for it, but I do believe it can get better. Things like therapy or meditation can help, but also just trying to accept yourself. There may be things you can change, things you want to change, but it's important not to think of it as improving yourself for others, but moreso doing something for yourself because you want to become more like your own ideal image. I'm still figuring things out myself, but I try to have empathy for myself when I can.
Cooper
2024-12-20 21:11:10 +0000 UTCThis was beautiful, thanks. Was having a shitty day until this. If anyone sees this, band or otherwise, I’d like some advice. What do you do when you’re something you hate and you can’t change it? I can’t be normal no matter how hard I try and I refuse to accept that I might not be who I want to be. I hate myself more than I like anyone or anything else except maybe Car Seat Headrest. (Probably not but it’s my favourite thing). I thought CSH fans would probably have some experience in this area. Also, does anyone know if the PO box is still open?
Darren B
2024-12-20 09:05:25 +0000 UTCthank u for singing songs while i paint christmas cards
bee
2024-12-20 00:35:23 +0000 UTC
