NEVER STOP, pt. 3

LINK TO PHOTOS: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B7MlCEoEDaftZ2hhWnhxdWxXYUU

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NEVER STOP

August is usually a month of introspection for me, mainly due to my birthday (today, August 2nd), but this year I’m turning 40. I’ve never put much stock into milestone birthdays, but I did wake up feeling extra positive on my 30th birthday. For some reason, proably because I don’t have a wife or kids, I feel like 40 is more of a brick wall, as though it’s a reminder that I haven’t accomplished much in the last 40 years.

Yes, I know I’ve done and seen a lot. But I was raised with the idea that having a family and passing on your name was vitally important, and for as liberal and progressive as I am, I can’t help but feel trapped by that old-fashioned mindset.

So now here I am, 40, overweight, relatively well-traveled, having done decently on a reality television show, having taken photos with over 600 different women, Eagle Scout, loyal son/brother/uncle. I do my best to make people feel valued and special, or at least the ones I think deserve it. I’m moderately clever, have above average creative sense, and get laid occasionally more than a fat, middle-aged guy deserves. Still, none of that really fills the emotional hole.

Things could be worse, they could ALWAYS be worse, and don’t think I’m thinking “woe is me” while throwing my hand against my forehead and fainting on the nearest sofa. I’ve always had a healthy and relatively mature perspective on the world. But I can’t help but share, or rather write down, all my frustrations, fears, and regrets somewhere, if only to get it out of my head. So you lucky patrons get to read it all. Lucky, lucky you.

Patreon has definitely changed my life in the last two years, getting me out of debt, allowing me to put some coins in the bank, and allowing me to not struggle financially for the first time in my adult life. My dad always said there are two kinds of people in this world, the Lucky and the Talented, and unfortunately, he said, I am very talented. But I’ve also been extremely lucky in my life. I’ve needed and then survived on the kindness of strangers. I’ve been clever and inventive when necessary. Constantly humble. And confident when required. But when you finally hit a comfortable plateau, you can’t help but want to strive for more.

I’m moderately healthy but not well. I don’t feel great most days. I feel even less creative lately. Maybe I’m just a worrier, as most Mexicans are. Maybe I’m afraid to take bigger risks. Maybe I just need a drink.

But try not to worry. I’m doing ok. I’m powering through, as I always do and always have. I can’t ever sit still, and for the most part that keeps me from dwelling on the things I’m missing. Thanks for your continued support, as well as for putting up with my selfish ramblings. I never know if being too honest on here will drive more people away or give you a more complete view of my work and life. And though none of this has to do with Lillias, I figured I’d share a sexy, beautiful series of images to counteract this lunatic rant. Enjoy!

Please send me your notes, opinions, or questions in either the box below or in my DMs. And thank you as always for your continued support!

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Here’s that link again: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B7MlCEoEDaftZ2hhWnhxdWxXYUU