FBC 003. Annual Jade Beauty Competition Ends In Chaos, Again!

FRAGRANT BOWL CITY'S ANNUAL JADE BEAUTY COMPETITION ENDS IN CHAOS, AGAIN

Judges Default to “Jade” for 1047th Consecutive Year of Violent Inability to Agree on a Food-Based Beauty Standard

By Chi Dajia, Beauty, Combat & Combat Beauty Correspondent

MIDDLE DISTRICT CULTURAL BUREAU — The 1047th Annual Beauty Descriptor Competition has once again ended in violence, property damage, and at least eighty-nine extra-tournament duels, forcing judges to maintain “Jade Beauty” as Fragrant Bowl City's official standard of feminine aesthetics for yet another year.

The competition, which began over one thousand years ago as an exhibition tournament to find a more flavorful alternative to “jade,” devolved into chaos by the second round when the Caramelized Onion Beauty (rep. Zenith Root Vegetable Sect) accused the Ginseng Chicken Beauty (rep. Triple Thunder Soup Gang) of “shameless thievery!”

The accusation arose due to the similarities in their answer to the question “What makes your beauty standard more Heaven-defying than the others?”

“They stole our 'requires true patience to achieve' argument!” shouted Caramelized Onion Beauty Mei Cong, activating a Yang-To-Yin-Sear-To-Brown formation.

“Patience? PATIENCE?” retorted Ginseng Chicken Beauty Ji Tang. “You think the patience to sauté on medium heat equals ten hours of herbal spirit-soup refinement? Wow, I’d almost call you a brainless beauty … except ONIONS ARE NOT AND WILL NEVER BE A BEAUTY STANDARD!” She then activated a High Pressure Cooker formation. This reacted with the Yang-To-Yin-Sear-To-Brown formation, causing their cooking platform to explode in flames.

Simultaneously, on a separate platform, the Black Vinegar Beauty (rep. Sour Saintess Sect) and the Pressed Oils Beauty (rep. Merciful Plant Fat Fairy Maidens) had also come to inflamed blows. Black Vinegar Beauty Hei Chuchu called Pressed Oils Beauty Ya Youyou a “bland, overrated newcomer riding on virgin coconut oil trends.” Six Flame Temple Elders were needed to contain the resulting oil fire.

Traditional Rivalries Resurface

The ancient feud between the Thousand-Layer Holy Cake Contingent and the Golden Swan Egg Custard Sect erupted during the semi-finals when both of their representing Beauties claimed superiority in the “delicate yet complex” category.

“Custard? CUSTARD?” shrieked Thousand-Layer Cake Beauty Wan Gaogao. “You're just eggs with one-dimensional pretensions! We have A THOUSAND LAYERS OF NUANCE!”

Egg Custard Beauty Dan Haohua’s response was to demonstrate their sect’s Smooth-As-Void technique, which harnesses the Smoothness-Intent of their egg custard to slip through to inter-dimensional pocket realms.

“FOLD YOUR THOUSAND LAYERS WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE,” she screamed, as she qi-blasted Wan Gaogao into the opened void.

For violating the competition’s rules regarding inter-dimensional techniques, the Phoenix Egg Custard Faction has been disqualified for the next thirty years. That is roughly how long it will take for Thousand-Layer Cake Beauty Wan Gaogao to return to this dimension.

Dark Horse Candidates Bring Fresh Chaos

This year's wildcard entry, the Fermented Shrimp Paste Beauty (rep. Eternal Hero Condiments Hall) cleared the entire Eastern viewing platform within moments of their presentation.

“We represent bold, uncompromising beauty that announces itself from three li away,” declared Fermented Shrimp Paste Beauty Xia Xia through a Spirit Voice Talisman (no one would stand close enough for regular speech). “True beauty doesn't hide behind sugar and spice!”

She was immediately challenged to immortal combat by all other contestants.

The Mushroom Incident

Perhaps the final round's most dramatic moment came when Mushroom Beauty Gu Momo (rep. Prophetic Fungi Pavilion) attempted to prove her domination of “beauty that transcends ordinary understanding” by force-feeding spirit-enhanced oracular mushroom soup to the judges.

Judge Tai is still recovering at the Wood Temple. His last coherent words were: “The secrets of Heaven ... cannot be revealed ... does one truly need … to rehydrate dried mushrooms …?”

Judges' Final Statement

After sixteen days of Beauty cook-offs, forty-three formal duel challenges, at least forty-four unauthorized duel challenges, two declarations of sect wars, nine collateral casualties, three cripplings, and one highly alcoholic closing ceremony, head judge Elder Xiang Yi made the inevitable announcement:

“For the 1047th consecutive year, the committee has decided that 'Jade Beauty' remains the best descriptor for a socially stable beauty standard. It's bland, yes. Flavorless, absolutely. But at least no one dies over it.”

Judge Wei Ming, nursing a black eye from a stray flying ladle during the Braised vs. Steamed subcategory battle, defended the decision to retain “Jade Beauty” as the standard:

“Look, jade is terrible. It's inedible, politically problematic given the Jade Leaf treason scandal, and about as romantic as calling someone Nice Rock Beauty. But you know what? No one has ever started a blood feud over jade. Thus, as the least deadly option, I once again cast my ballot for peace. But, speaking personally, when my Dao Partner calls me his Chili Wonton Beauty, I know it’s because he thinks I'm the whole plump, juicy, fiery package. Isn't that a great standard? Maybe next year the Wonton Chaos Sect will prevail?”

Next Year's Outlook

The Misty Egg White Sect has already announced their intention to compete next year with a “purity and simplicity” high-protein platform, which immediately prompted the Priceless Treasure Rare Meat Assembly to declare they would “destroy those pathetic albumen advocates.”

Meanwhile, the Hall of Hot Pots has submitted a sixty-four page preliminary menu to support their argument that Hot Pot Beauty “allows for personal customization while maintaining communal harmony.”

Until then, the Jade Beauty standard remains unchanged.

In Related News: The Men's Fillet Knife Eyebrow vs. Vegetable Peeler Eyebrow vs. Cleaver Eyebrow Debate Society has been permanently banned from all public venues after last week's Eyebrow Shape Debate resulted in three beheadings. Sword Eyebrows remain the inoffensive standard for men’s grooming.