How I met your mother (An Uchiha Itachi SI)- Chapter 1

“Kids, Kids. Settle down, you little midgets!” I shouted at the crowd of redheaded children. Not a single one of them shared my jet black hair and considering I’d tried seven times, I was just a bit sore about it. We’d had them within a relatively short period so they were all within a few years of each other, and were all at the age where causing a nuisance was the primary goal. Fuck. I should have just told the elders to fuck off when they came to me with their demands of repopulating the clan. I’d had my revenge, though. All my children had their mother’s eyes.

“Tell us a story, Dad,” Little Kakashi said with a bright smile on his face, plopping down in front of me in a lotus position. He shared nothing in common with his namesake, but I knew the name would annoy Kakashi the elder wherever he was. “Yes Dadddd” The twins shouted, joining their older brother in plopping down in front of me. With three of them asking for a story, the rest of them wasted no time in settling down and demanding the same thing. Herd mentality with children could be truly terrifying. I had to stand up and fetch young Shisui when he seemed to have gotten lost on his way over here, distracted by a wandering butterfly.

With my youngest well in hand, I returned to my position on the mat. “Kids. I’m going to tell you a story I’ve never told you before,” I said, my face forming into a bright smile without my conscious input. Years away from active Ninja duty had robbed me of much of my skills with subterfuge.

“Boooo” The twins shouted, never missing an opportunity to cause trouble.

“I’ll tell you the story of how I met your mother” I said, watching with a smug smile as they fell into awed silence. Good. “Pay attention, kids. This story starts decades ago in the Village hidden in the leaves. I met my first love when I was five years old”

8 BI (Before Independence)

This wasn’t my first rodeo. It might come as a shock to you, but this wasn’t my first life. Not my first go on the roller coaster called life. I’d wasted my first one, spending all my time in front of a computer screen, reading manga, watching anime, or engaging in other related activities. Yes, there was a shit ton of hentai too.

When I was diagnosed, I cried, prayed and wished. The thought of dying without achieving a single thing had driven me insane. When I came to, in a new life, I’d made so many plans about how I was going to fix things. I was going to finally leave my mark. If only I knew how hard it would be.

It hadn’t taken me long to realise that I was doomed to be just as lazy in this life. I was more content to sleep away my days. Fugaku, my new dad- Did I mention that I was reborn as Itachi Fucking Uchiha?- was consistently hunting me down to engage in some training exercise or the other.

Why was I telling you all of this? Because he was hunting me once again. The fucker wanted to show me jutsu. Another jutsu I’d fail at performing and disappoint him. I wasn’t an idiot. The only reason Itachi had been so fucked up in canon was because of how much of a genius he was. What was my genius strategy for preventing the coup and all the madness that might follow without killing the entire clan? Being a lazy bastard. A simple foolproof plan. After all, the only reason the Uchiha had been foolish enough to consider it was because they trusted Itachi to be capable of killing Hiruzen. No genius Itachi, no stupid coup.

“Ahh. There you are. Come with me” I heard the voice sound behind me, and turned to see Fugaku standing on the roof, looking at me, unamused. I scowled and stood up. The last time I’d tried telling him to fuck off, I’d been forced to spend almost half the day training with him before being sent to bed with no dinner. It seemed to me that the less of a fuss I made, the more likely he was to leave me alone after I disappointed him.

Stuck in my head as I was, I didn’t even notice that we weren’t heading to the regular training field until I almost fell into the Naka river. Fugaku grabbed me by one of my obnoxiously high collars and set me on the ground beside him. “Since you’ve somehow managed to fail at every task given to you, let’s see if the blood of Madara in you will be stoked by some ninjutsu,” He said simply. If I was actually five years old, I might have even gotten hurt by his statement. The blood of Madara, huh? I’m very sure that was important for some reason but I hadn’t paid attention in clan history classes for months.

“Pay attention to me,” He said and then went through some hand signs I instantly recognised. Snake → Ram → Monkey → Boar → Horse → Tiger. “Katon Gokakyu no Jutsu” He breathed out, and I fell in love for the first time in either of my lives. The flames that came from his mouth were almost alive as they coalesced into a massive fireball and went screaming down the river. The river was steaming as the jutsu finally faded, and I didn’t even notice that I was breathing heavily.

“Finally interested in something, boy?” Fugaku’s voice broke me out from my trance and I jolted in shock. “Give it a try” He commanded, and the thought of resistance didn’t even come to mind.

“Snake-Ram-Monkey-Boar-Horse-Tiger” I whispered to myself as I went through the hand signs I’d just seen. “Katon Gokakyu no Jutsu” I breathed out, as I held the tiger seal. My mind was focused on the fireball I’d just seen and I was more surprised than I should have been when blue flames shot out of my mouth, forming into a pathetic fireball, when compared to Fugaku’s at least, and heading straight down the river. ‘Beautiful’ was the last thought I had before I lost consciousness.

A/N; Just a plot bunny that refused to leave me. Expect the new chapter of Oak soon.